INFJ I think I am headed to be single the rest of my life

Ok you're describing the exact kind of irritability that comes along with being in a long term relationship and being around the same person way too much. The little things they do start to really bother you. Its hard to deal with because they're little things in and of themselves but they add up to something that you can't ignore. Everyone has experienced this at some point their lives, whether its spouses or parents or siblings or kids or even friends...

But if you're going to act like a dick to your wife in the car, you need to just not ever ride in the car with her, if at all possible and explain to her simply that the way she acts in the car makes you annoyed and you'd just rather not ride with her. I had a similar situation with my mom-- I absolutely hate riding in the car with her, either with her driving or me driving. I take measures to avoid it at all costs, and I even tell her that I'd just rather not. Don't wait til its actually happening, because then you'll just get angry all over again-- explain it beforehand, when you're not angry, to set your boundaries. Sometimes we just can't tolerate the things other people do-- and you just have to figure out how to avoid the situation-- without necessarily avoiding the person altogether. You have to figure out how your emotions work. If you know ahead of time that you're going to act like a dick and not be able to stop yourself, and if you really would rather not act like a dick towards your wife (which I'm assuming is the case), then take action to remove yourself from those situations which you know will set you off. Don't just simmer and try to tolerate it, or say obnoxious things like how you described.

them pleasing you, you pleasing them isn't what a relationship is supposed to be like.

Being alone is a state of mind...etc...etc..pseudo-intellectual philosophy and so on.

Eh alone is not a bad state. People are just a nuisance and get in the way of the more interesting aspects of existence. Unfortunately you can't escape your own species, at least not yet. I personally am desperate for the time of uploaded consciousness, although I doubt we will reach that stage.

Join the club.

But how are you going to talk about being single and have a wife? I may have to decline your application to join the club of Forever Alone INFJs. Subs payers: me, and, umm.. Nobody else.

Put some music on & chill

Well yes, it seems like your problems might be deeper and some irritability might be the last drop. Are you more bothered she doesn't trust you or that she has the freerides while you do the work or do you find it more annoying that she won't change her habits?

It sounds a lot less like people don't care how you feel and a lot more like the things you're describing probably have nothing to do with you personally. Your wife is a backseat driver because she's anxious. Might be annoying and frustrating, but if she already knows her reaction bothers you, then clearly her fear is strong enough to override her desire to not create pointless conflict. People who don't text back and email back get distracted with other things in their life. It's not like they're always purposefully blowing you off. Why not opt-out? Because it'd be boring and lonely. I don't know about you, but I put up with annoying things that my fiance does because I still can't help smiling every time I see him again, even if we've been fighting. In order to live with other people we have to put up with how they're different than us. I like to think that it makes us more patient, more accepting, and more wise in the long run.

angelfish said:

It sounds a lot less like people don't care how you feel and a lot more like the things you're describing probably have nothing to do with you personally. Your wife is a backseat driver because she's anxious. Might be annoying and frustrating, but if she already knows her reaction bothers you, then clearly her fear is strong enough to override her desire to not create pointless conflict. People who don't text back and email back get distracted with other things in their life. It's not like they're always purposefully blowing you off. Why not opt-out? Because it'd be boring and lonely. I don't know about you, but I put up with annoying things that my fiance does because I still can't help smiling every time I see him again, even if we've been fighting. In order to live with other people we have to put up with how they're different than us. I like to think that it makes us more patient, more accepting, and more wise in the long run.

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Agree, however if this " I still can't help smiling every time I see him again " doesn't happen, it might become a chore and a mental torture. I would look into the real reasons underneath. I think rest could be handled easily. If the man is happier alone, it doesn't make sense to keep it for the sake of not being bored. Some people -are- happier alone than with the wrong person to be around. I am sure though there are many equations and others' lives involved to evaluate if it were to get there.

"It just seems like life would be so much simpler that way. No worries about pleasing anyone, or about them pleasing you. No annoyances. "
If you don't live "alone",you don't have any obligation to please someone and don't expect others to please you. That's why I'm not that much introvert right now..I realized that shit.

Thanks to all who took the time to read my post and extra thanks to the responders. I'll try to elaborate a little. I do feel like I am with the wrong person. I have been living with a lot of frustration due to money/job struggles. I am not getting much validation in any area of my life. Boo hoo for me, right? LOL. Seriously, I take responsibility for me, and I am moving towards trying to make the life I need to be overall less frustrated.

I know what it feels like to love someone, and like @nichya said above, with that person, I could love her even when she made me mad. I've been married for 25 years and have never felt in love with my wife. So yes, lots of things she does can get on my nerves, and yes I can be a total dick sometimes because I do not control my emotions sometimes, but I'm not a bad person either. I'm very introspective, and my wife is a great person. Just not the right one for me. We have a functional marriage. We have two great daughters. They are now all of age, so I've done my job raising them and putting them through school (one is finishing college). I've always done my job and provided. I'm just in a damaged state for deciding to stay in this marriage for all these years. It's spilling out. I don't like it when I'm a jerk to someone, so you'd think that would be motivation to suppress or direct my emotions in a more positive way, and I do think I am a "good boy" most of the time. Being more aware of my emotions, and moving myself to a better place for me, will allow me to be a better person for everyone around me.

@charlie.elliot Maybe it isn't as bad as I described it. I've driving thousands of hours with her in the car and am able to handle it. I do think she is an anxious person in some ways. It's always better if she drives and I navigate, or if I drive I navigate with my phone because she can't navigate (map challenged, even with a blue dot on map that shows where we are). That's another thing, I think I just feel like I have carried the burden of a lot of things over all these years, and when you add that to no feelings of love, frustration flourishes.

I am very content being alone. I'm not lonely.

nichya said:

Agree, however if this " I still can't help smiling every time I see him again " doesn't happen, it might become a chore and a mental torture. I would look into the real reasons underneath. I think rest could be handled easily. If the man is happier alone, it doesn't make sense to keep it for the sake of not being bored. Some people -are- happier alone than with the wrong person to be around. I am sure though there are many equations and others' lives involved to evaluate if it were to get there.

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Certainly.

I think what I was picking up on and trying to address is that there seems like there are two layers here. One is the issue of husband and wife. The other is the issue of individual and others.

But, fundamentally, it boils down to the same question, at least in my eyes: is the satisfaction and meaningfulness you receive from interaction greater than what you can generate on your own?

inmymind said:

I have been living with a lot of frustration due to money/job struggles.

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Aw, that sucks. I think a lot of us can definitely understand and empathize with that.

I do feel like I am with the wrong person. [...] my wife is a great person. Just not the right one for me. [...] I'm just in a damaged state for deciding to stay in this marriage for all these years. It's spilling out.

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Well, at this point, you are soon to realistically be able to separate if that is what you think would help solve a lot of your issues. Your kids will both be out of college soon.

I think I just feel like I have carried the burden of a lot of things over all these years, and when you add that to no feelings of love, frustration flourishes.

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Do you think there's anything you can do to spark those feelings? As @Retsu asked, I'm curious to hear why you married her, as well. It seems like it's at least worth trying before you decide to separate, because it's hard to return from that. Have you two ever gone to counseling, either you yourself or with her?

inmymind said:

I know what it feels like to love someone, and like @nichya said above, with that person, I could love her even when she made me mad. I've been married for 25 years and have never felt in love with my wife. So yes, lots of things she does can get on my nerves, and yes I can be a total dick sometimes because I do not control my emotions sometimes, but I'm not a bad person either. I'm very introspective, and my wife is a great person. Just not the right one for me.

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Why did you marry her in the first place?

Sorry, internet issues, didn't mean to double post.

Retsu said:

Why did you marry her in the first place?

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It sounds like a heartbreaking story especially with the part "I know what it feels like to love someone" I really don't understand why men or ..well women step in those marriages in the first place. I can't imagine marrying a person I am not in love with. I know one INFJ has, with great hesitations too, because he didn't wish to be alone then get wrapped up in the conditions he created himself. She is a good person. But, it is just hard to understand. I assume 25 years earlier things must have been more difficult, although, is it ever easy really?

angelfish said:

Certainly.

I think what I was picking up on and trying to address is that there seems like there are two layers here. One is the issue of husband and wife. The other is the issue of individual and others.

But, fundamentally, it boils down to the same question, at least in my eyes: is the satisfaction and meaningfulness you receive from interaction greater than what you can generate on your own?

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Then again if he is not happy, how can he make the other person happy? There must be a common ground at least and he sounds like he tries to be -good and responsible-, she seems to as well. It is just that there is no romance. Oh well, I get to hear it a lot, that many people regret marrying -not the one- because they thought it would make more sense that way. Although of course it will ever be a question if the one were the one. I don't know. I have heard this so many times, heard so many heartbreaking stories, confessions, regrets. It has become my fear for life and I think life decided to make me taste some of my fears too It is just heartbreaking, that is all. @inmymind Sorry for the third person sentences

Retsu said:

Why did you marry her in the first place?

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A couple of reasons were that I got tired of getting my heart broken and being frustrated. It's the age-old I loved them, but apparently they didn't love me, and I had some relationships where the girl loved me, but I didn't love them. Another reason was I knew she would be faithful and be a great mother. I was right on those accounts. A third reason was I really wanted to have a family before I was too "old" (men feel the biological clock ticking too). I know I could have waited, but I didn't want to have young kids and be an older father like my dad was (he was 38 when I was born). Perhaps we should have more courses about love and relationships for kids in high school and make them mandatory? There were none when I was in H.S. I feel pretty dumb for making the decisions I did, and its why I often don't trust my own decision process when it comes to relationships. I have gone to therapy for that. I'm getting much better. I love my wife, but I love her more as a friend or acquaintance. I recognize her positive attributes, but if you don't love the person passionately, at least in the beginning, there are no fires to rekindle. Use me as an example young or single people. Do not ever settle. If you do, correct course as soon as possible, if it makes sense.

angelfish said:

Certainly.

I think what I was picking up on and trying to address is that there seems like there are two layers here. One is the issue of husband and wife. The other is the issue of individual and others.

But, fundamentally, it boils down to the same question, at least in my eyes: is the satisfaction and meaningfulness you receive from interaction greater than what you can generate on your own?



Aw, that sucks. I think a lot of us can definitely understand and empathize with that.



Well, at this point, you are soon to realistically be able to separate if that is what you think would help solve a lot of your issues. Your kids will both be out of college soon.



Do you think there's anything you can do to spark those feelings? As @Retsu asked, I'm curious to hear why you married her, as well. It seems like it's at least worth trying before you decide to separate, because it's hard to return from that. Have you two ever gone to counseling, either you yourself or with her?

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I wrote about why I married her in the first place in another response below (or above? Not sure how this site will order my posts yet as I'm very new to this site). As for counseling, we both had two or three joint sessions, and one short individual session with the same counselor. It was a difficult spot in the marriage about 8 years ago. The counselor tried to get her to realize that my bad behavior at the time was more of a symptom, and that there had to be other reasons. My wife was unwilling at that point in time to understand that, and got angry with the counselor. She didn't want to continue, because I think she was afraid we were heading to divorce at that time. And she was probably right. So, instead, I started going to a different counselor by myself. It was during those times that I admitted to myself that I had made a mistake to get married in the first place. During the same period, I began to establish good healthy boundaries any marriage should have. I would do more or less what I wanted to do in my free time, as long as it didn't disrespect the marriage. I never went out partying with friends or anything like that. Occasionally, I might go visit a friend, or go to a mini-class reunion and I would invite her, but she would not ever go with me which was probably better for both of us since she is not comfortable meeting a large group of new people, and I was able to talk all day/night with my old friends. She slowly built back her trust in me. We got back to a pretty normal marriage. Except for the part that I still didn't love her, which was its own misery, but I just kept doing my part (working, spending time at home around family, fixing up the house, fixing the cars, etc.). That said, we still live at a distance, but we do still have sex, but its reduced to once every week or two.

There are other things about her that are a bit repulsive (kind of personal, but it has to do with odors, saliva production, body grooming, and so on). I have addressed the issues with her, but I don't think she doesn anything to change those attributes. I also don't get any validation for my hard work around the house (and I mean, moving boulders to build retaining walls and flower beds, and things that build sweat equity). I just get a quiet acknowledgement. I get my own satisfaction from those activities, so I don't "need" validation, but it would help if there was some.

Living this way, and seeing other pretty and smart women out there makes one long for a better life. 8 Years ago I told myself I would wait until the last child was 18, and that time has come. In just a few months she will graduate from H.S. I almost didn't make it these 8 years. I considered leaving earlier, but when severe economic problems arose after I lost a great paying job I had been at for 14 years, priorities shifted for me and us. It just added to my burden. I sucked it up and worked small contracting jobs to help make ends meet. We have slow burned through a lot of our savings. We still have some, but if things don't get better I will have to sell our house.

It's never too late or a wrong time to make a fundamental change in ones life, and I do not want to "blame" my economic condition as the only reason for not leaving this marriage in the past three years. I just hope I don't stay stuck for much longer.

It sounds like you should see a licensed and qualified marriage counselor, not a bunch of strangers on the internet whose average age is under 21 and who generally have limited to no experience with dating, let alone marriage.

Coburn said:

It sounds like you should see a licensed and qualified marriage counselor, not a bunch of strangers on the internet whose average age is under 21 and who generally have limited to no experience with dating, let alone marriage.

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Excuse me, I am over 21 though I think he is just venting, that is welcome

@Coburn Great advice, and yes, @nichya is correct (and very insightful I might add), I am venting because I have slipped into some depression here the last few days, the likes I haven't had in a couple years. I have been to counseling, as you can read above in a recent reply to this thread. My counselor helped me through some events and helped me learn what feelings to trust, and which ones ot know are just passing feelings (and I think they are all passing if you want to get technical). I also wanted to share and get to know other INFJ's, because as they must know, life is a special kind of hard for us as far as knowing others who "get" us.

Obviously, the best relationships have challenges, but as my counselor said, "a relationship should deliver more positive than negative" otherwise, what's the point of being in one? Yes, I know they take work, but I think with the right person, it would be fantastic, even in "shitty" times.