INFJ ideals and expectations

I think it all comes down to trust. We are so aware of our vulnerabilities and yet so aware of the destructive capacity of humankind in general, and we have often been hurt or disappointed in the past, that we are reticent when it comes to letting anyone into our inner world. We do not want to get hurt, because when we hurt, we hurt deeply. And we are very private people because we know that divulging our hearts puts us at risk for hurt or betrayal. For us, closeness always involves that vulnerability - we do not hold back our inner selves from those whom we consider as close friends (which may be a small subset of the people who consider us their friends) and we desire to have very intimate friendships. So the combination of the vulnerability and the innate distrust of people makes us very guarded about who can get close to us.

Think of it as self-preservation. It's nothing personal, really ~ whether we let you in or not, we still care about you and would help you out if you were in need. We don't like to cling to negative feelings against others and we aspire to be benevolent to everyone. We just keep a guard stationed at all times around our hearts.

What we must see in a person in order for them to break the trust barrier (to be welcomed into our inner lives) that they are worthy of our trust - therefore, complete honesty, authenticity, and a (proven) genuinely kind heart. That's not all, but the rest of the requisite traits would vary by the individual INFJ.

moonlight_echo said:

INFJ's aren't the only ones with ideals. I have plenty myself, and you don't have to be a certain type to have standards. I suppose the way INFJ's express their ideals is distinct, and seems more all or nothing to me than other types.

I should've mentioned this before but just thought of it. You say you get worn down after awhile of having ideals and expectations unmet. I've noticed this with other INFJ's, but the thing is that to me it seems to come out of nowhere. I will have absolutely no idea that an INFJ feels this way inside, and then suddenly they're expressing how worn they are and how it built up over time. I wish there was a way to know that they're getting to that point.

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I apologize if I made it sound like I meant INFJs were the only one with ideals. Every type, to a certain extent, will have their ideal mate. To me - it seems like a lot of INFJs cling to theirs and don't budge or aren't as willing to sacrifice for 2nd best. Of course, that is a stereotype... and no one fits into a box.

In response to the statement about INFJs suddenly springing the idea of unhappiness upon someone.. I believe that pertains well to me too. My last ex was an ENFJ and things were going fairly smoothly.. she was a bit too directive (although her heart was good) and bossy for me... and after a little bit it just wore me down. I showed no signs of being not content but then about a week before we broke up, I had reached the breaking point and by then it was too late for any reconciliation.

Umm something about the ideals and myself:
I don't like confrontation. I abhor it. I can do it fine with the public but when it comes to romantic relationships, I just can't handle it.

Because I don't like confrontation, I avoid speaking about any problems. This thinking is flawed mainly because problems might be solved when things are spoken about..

But tied to the previous point, I don't like people to feel bad about themselves or to think they aren't doing something wrong so that also brings about me not wanting to talk about issues.

I would say the way to tell if they are getting to the point is to see if there is a change in their behavior towards you. For me - I'm a very giving person. If someone crosses my boundaries or takes too hard of a stab at me (crossing a moral line) then I can cut them off for good. To be honest, I will begin to withdraw.. to the point where I tihnk it is obvious that Im behaviing different.

Okay I'm too drunk to be cohnerent, Goodnight if this thread continues, I willa ctually mak a anothr post ok i just passed out and woke up and saw this post not posted. lolololim gonna post it before i pass out completely

avalanche183 said:

I apologize if I made it sound like I meant INFJs were the only one with ideals. Every type, to a certain extent, will have their ideal mate. To me - it seems like a lot of INFJs cling to theirs and don't budge or aren't as willing to sacrifice for 2nd best. Of course, that is a stereotype... and no one fits into a box.

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No, you didn't make it sound that way at all. I was just typing my thoughts and it came out that way. I agree that we all have our ideals and a picture of what a perfect love interest would be. There does seem to be a theme with INFJs clinging very tightly to that ideal, which makes it stand out.

In response to the statement about INFJs suddenly springing the idea of unhappiness upon someone.. I believe that pertains well to me too. My last ex was an ENFJ and things were going fairly smoothly.. she was a bit too directive (although her heart was good) and bossy for me... and after a little bit it just wore me down. I showed no signs of being not content but then about a week before we broke up, I had reached the breaking point and by then it was too late for any reconciliation.

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That's exactly it. One minute things seem fine, then suddenly it's too late. I know now how INFJs fear conflict (much like myself). I always wondered if they thought it obvious what was wrong without getting that across, but from what you've told me it's more of a way to avoid conflict. If I ever get involved with another INFJ, I'm going to make sure to ask them what their vision is for a relationship, and try to pull that from them even if it's tough to get out. That sounds like the only way to avoid getting to that breaking point.

Umm something about the ideals and myself:
I don't like confrontation. I abhor it. I can do it fine with the public but when it comes to romantic relationships, I just can't handle it.

Because I don't like confrontation, I avoid speaking about any problems. This thinking is flawed mainly because problems might be solved when things are spoken about..

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I should say too that I absolutely fear and hate conflict, but what that means is that if someone is truthful about something that's bothering them or something they'd like to see change, I try to stay as calm as possible. True, it might hurt at first, but I wouldn't attack a friend or someone I'm in a relationship with for telling that truth. What would get me upset is if they attack me over a perceived fault. That's where I can get upset. But, if they approach it maturely and honestly without accusing me, I will think it through and in depth. Sometimes things do need to be changed or adjusted. It doesn't always mean that you're asking the other person to change themself, just that they need to change a certain behavior that might be taking away from the relationship.

I would say the way to tell if they are getting to the point is to see if there is a change in their behavior towards you. For me - I'm a very giving person. If someone crosses my boundaries or takes too hard of a stab at me (crossing a moral line) then I can cut them off for good. To be honest, I will begin to withdraw.. to the point where I tihnk it is obvious that Im behaviing different.

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I'll admit that I do this too. There are certain lines, and then I will withdraw.....but it's very hard for me to give up on someone. Sometimes too hard.

Okay I'm too drunk to be cohnerent, Goodnight if this thread continues, I willa ctually mak a anothr post ok i just passed out and woke up and saw this post not posted. lolololim gonna post it before i pass out completely

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HAHA. Drunk posts are the best.