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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hey guys! New to the forum but have been lurking off and on for a while. Haha.
This will be a bit of a long story and maybe I'm posting it in the wrong place but I'm having a hard time navigating with my Tapatalk app so feel free to move it or correct me as necessary.

I'm an INFJ, pretty much textbook. My best guy friend is an ENFP. His best guy friend is an ISTJ. The three of us worked together (they trained me) for a short while before ISTJ found a different job and now goes to work/school an hour away. We still all belong to the same group of friends so we see each other about once a month or every couple months. Basically my entire family thinks I am dating ENFP because we spend so much time together and have grown very close but we are both clear that we aren't attracted to each other as more than friends.

SO, one evening sometime before the holidays the three of us were out playing pool and I bought them both a beer at which point ISTJ jokingly asked me to marry him. I jokingly accepted and it's been a running thing since.
The last couple times we hung out with a group some other mutual friends have suggested afterward that we should actually give things a go, that we'd be a great couple. I just shrugged these comments off, thinking that I actually don't know him very well (though we always have a great time and laugh A LOT when we hang out even if we are the only ones laughing at each other's jokes) and that they were mostly joking.
About two weeks ago now, a few of us - not including ISTJ - were out and they took my phone, put in his phone number (which I didn't even have, a testament to the casual nature of our acquaintance) and began texting him. I figured there was no use fighting them and really, if anyone would be a good sport he would, so I just let it ride.
To our surprise, he immediately contacted ENFP to find out who was messaging him and once he figured out what they were doing he just played along. I didn't see any of the messages, which were mostly playful and harmless, until I got home - at which point I apologized and explained. He was, just as I thought, an excellent sport about it.
We just kept texting for a while and he said he wouldn't be opposed to going out except he knew I am planning to move away (which I am) so he never pursued anything.

NOW HERE'S THE THING:
Since that day, we have been texting on a daily basis. Not constant like teenagers since we both work, etc.. But it has quickly become a part of my evening routine to hear from him between 8:30 and 9 pm and then continue until one or both of us falls asleep. And occasionally between 2 and 3 pm, which I assume is his lunch break from work. On the one occasion where nearly an entire day passed between messages, I simply assumed he was busy (or got bored with me) and then received a message saying he had indeed been busy and wanting to catch up...

I know INFJs can tend to read into things when there isn't anything to read - hence my appearance here. Haha!
My question is, does he just want to be friends? Or do you think he may actually be working up to asking me out?
It's useless going to ENFP about this because he is just so caught up in the childlike "yay! My best friends are gonna get married" thing. Lol.
 

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Hi @akakat

Welcome to the forum.

I'd probably suggest posting this in the ISTJ sub-forum or have a look through some of the threads in there - there are various relationship threads which might also be useful for you. I don't really spend time there, but asking fellow INFJs might also be able to help in the INFJ sub-forum.

I'm hopeless with relationship advice, but, to be honest, the way I read it, he's already answered your question in some ways.

he said he wouldn't be opposed to going out except he knew I am planning to move away (which I am) so he never pursued anything
ISTJs often steer clear of commitment if they don't feel they can give 100%. If you're going to move away in the near future, then he probably sees it as hardly worth starting. We tend to be very deliberate in our thinking and don't take half measures. He may not be interested in pursuing a long distance relationship and sees that that is where any relationship with you would end up. It might sound cold, but he's more likely to be trying to justify the situation with practical arguments (we don't interpret feelings as well or as readily as an NF) rather than focusing on whether he does/doesn't like you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks @AllyKat! Sorry it took me so long to respond to this post but I think you saw that I did get some great advice in the ISTJ forum thanks to your suggestion. :)

For @Quiet Minute, @Klaro26, and @%1; a little update:

To be honest, it's a little disconcerting (in a good way) how quickly this ISTJ has integrated into my daily life, despite not having seen him for a couple weeks! Texts back and forth (still beginning faithfully between 8 and 9 pm - if not earlier) and harmless Snapchat silliness has become all but normal. I mean, as mentioned above we were casual friends already so he has the approval of the group, haha - but still.

For instance, as I mentioned in the ISTJ thread: Last night a few of us went out to play pool for a while and have a couple drinks, I ordered a twist on my usual whiskey by adding ginger ale - per his recommendation. So I sent him a picture and thus began our now nightly ritual of texting. I usually don't text or check my phone except for the time when I'm out with friends as I think it's rude and I'm working on being present; but I'm allowed to text him since he's my "husband" and he's part of the group as often as possible anyway.
Near the end of the evening ENFP snatched my phone as I was texting and proceeded to try and trick ISTJ into thinking it was me texting "when are we gonna hang out". But since we've been communicating almost exclusively through text ISTJ caught it right away and responded pretty strongly in all caps saying I use proper grammar and would have ended a question with a question mark and that we can hang out whenever I want.
ENFP wouldn't give me my phone back for a while but whatever, he kept trying and failing to trick my "husband" (Who later told me that ENFP is his Loki except his tricks are not very good - which has already become a running joke).

Anyway, things have not changed. As usual he's a good sport about the games our friends all play and - it being Saturday - the pictures (he's having breakfast with Loki, haha!) and texting have already recommenced before 11 am...

Now, being INFJ... Should I respond to the hanging out comment? I'm kind of an idiot about this stuff in general, guys. I haven't had a serious relationship in nearly a decade (and even that was actually quite short lived, though not because of me) so I don't even know how dating really works and the whole thought of games and stuff just frustrates me beyond belief because I analyze so. freakin. much. I'd rather have someone just be honest and tell me they like me and what they expect from me at the get-go and I tend to reciprocate when I get that. So I'm considering saying something like:

"Re your convo with Loki last night: I need to get through this week first but we can hangout whenever you want thereafter. Just please specify the context of said hanging out (friends/date/etc) - Honestly, I'm game either way, I just like to know where I stand. :p"

Thoughts?
 

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@akakat
just go for it. The best way not to analyze is not to analyze. Put yourself out there and trust me, ISTJs like things developing "naturally". That's what they seem to keep saying. Go for it!
 

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Agree on the letting things develop "naturally." My steadying thought when I started to analyze and over-analyze was, "Am I OK with how things are right now?" Phone calls, hanging out.... if everything was fun and I was still happy when I heard my phone ring, no need to change anything or try to figure out what's going on.

As far as trying to decide if you should follow up with the hanging out comment... I'd keep texting and just see what happens. Like you said, you're too busy to hang out this week anyway. Whatever you do, keep answering his texts, keep talking. Communication is key :)

Since I asked my husband for advice on your behalf, it got us to talking about back when we first met... we weren't dating exclusively, but we were hanging out and talking on the phone so much, we may as well have been. By the time we did have our first official date (dinner and movie), we were best friends and it was really easy and fun. Now, we jokingly call that span of time, "back when we were friend-ing." Haha! Nothing wrong with the friend-zone for a little while. The friend-zone created a really great foundation for us. We're still best friends, and that foundation has gotten us through some really tough times in the past few years.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Agree on the letting things develop "naturally." My steadying thought when I started to analyze and over-analyze was, "Am I OK with how things are right now?" Phone calls, hanging out.... if everything was fun and I was still happy when I heard my phone ring, no need to change anything or try to figure out what's going on.

As far as trying to decide if you should follow up with the hanging out comment... I'd keep texting and just see what happens. Like you said, you're too busy to hang out this week anyway. Whatever you do, keep answering his texts, keep talking. Communication is key :)

Since I asked my husband for advice on your behalf, it got us to talking about back when we first met... we weren't dating exclusively, but we were hanging out and talking on the phone so much, we may as well have been. By the time we did have our first official date (dinner and movie), we were best friends and it was really easy and fun. Now, we jokingly call that span of time, "back when we were friend-ing." Haha! Nothing wrong with the friend-zone for a little while. The friend-zone created a really great foundation for us. We're still best friends, and that foundation has gotten us through some really tough times in the past few years.
Excellent advice! I am okay with how things are right now. The pressure is coming from obvious external sources. haha. ("When's your guys' first date?" "How's your hubby?" "Who you texting? ... Hiiiiim?") I mean, I'd like to see him in person more often because I can tell a lot more from body language, but I also like texting a lot because.. well, INFJ. I like being able to word things the way I want to and it's generally much less awkward, especially during the getting to know stages of any relationship.

I don't think I could not answer his texts at this point, either. He usually ends with a question or some other sort of prompt, not that I mind. It's only more confirmation of his interest - if only in communication itself. :) I really won't have time to hang out this week, and he only has a few weeks of school left before he's off for the Summer anyway, so that timing seems more fortuitous.

Love the term "Friend-ing"! It's so appropriate to that specific stage of a relationship. One that I actually really like, because of the foundation of trust that it builds. It does seem like we're heading in that direction, with the inside jokes mounting, and so on. Good to know it's worth it!
 
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