[millionbucks]

I'm hoping to gain some insight on a recent weird fling I had with someone I've determined to be an INFJ. He is very charming, friendly, almost coming across as ENFP. But he seems to be a bit more withdrawn and harder to read when we are alone..lots of things make me think he was INFJ. We met through mutual friends, and he pursued me. A week or so after we met for the first time he told my friend he found me attractive and more or less asked her to give us a reason to bump into each other. We went on a few dates, things were going fine in my opinion. I sensed that I had some walls up and wasn't on my best behavior (being kind of awkward/talking too much--accidentally cut him off even *cringe*). We were physical (never slept together though..not really my thing with relationships that aren't established) and on our last date everything seemed great, he told me we would hang out soon. He never initiated much contact in between dates but when he did/I did he was always very enthusiastic and pleasant. He had a very endearing mix between being cool and being really dorky and sweet. Anyways, after our last date I never heard from him again. Fell off the face of the earth. This would appear to be a typical case of he's just not that into you, but he sent me incredibly mixed messages from the start and I'm just not sure what to make of it all. He is leaving for an internship overseas following the new year (we met in September), so maybe he just did not see the point in continuing it. But why would he bother starting things at all? Nonetheless, I was wondering if anyone could provide insight into why an INFJ might just disappear while actively giving me signals that he enjoyed my company and wanted to see me again? After pursuing me actively? Would an INFJ do this or was he actually not into me after all? I would be willing to be friends with him even if it doesn't work out because I got along with him so well. But he has been so distant that it's impossible to initiate contact without it seeming like I'm trying to get him back. I'd like to think that if you had a connection with someone, you would never just drop them completely. Thanks for any help.

 

[FearAndTrembling]

INFJs don't like goodbyes or endings. I'll often be out a whole night with friends, and just disappear without saying a word to anyone. We can definitely send mixed messages.

If he told a friend he found you attractive and all that, he likes you. Or did anyway. Communicate your concerns to him that you did in your post. Only real way to know. I don't know the guy.

 

[B. Toast]

INFJs don't like goodbyes or endings.

This, this, and this.


I hate goodbyes because they're the most awkward thing ever. Much better to just vanish. Dating and suddenly realize that person isn't for me? Spend forever and a day trying to figure out how to go about cutting things off, and then, suddenly, without warning, end the relationship and disappear. I've gotten better about this type of thing over time because I've learned how much it affects the other person, but that's an INFJs natural instinct. Something's not working? Get out of there. Immediately. Then figure out what's going on. That's generally the thought process.

If you want to know why he suddenly disappeared, the best thing you can do is try to contact him and find out, but don't get your hopes up in thinking he'll reply. He may, or he may not. Remember, INFJs crave isolation and will seize any opportunity to trade stress for being alone. We hate stress, and we hate conflict. Rather than confront the issue and go through the conflict, the INFJs instinct would rather just get out of there and leave it behind, even if it means sulking in regret later. Perhaps the best thing you can do is just give him time to come out of his shell on his own.

 

[MrINFJ]

I hate goodbyes because they're the most awkward thing ever. Much better to just vanish.

Haha. I went on a date with an INFJ once. We got on incredibly well, but deep down I knew she wasn't what I was looking for. At the end of the date we talked about meeting up again and where we could go on the next date. Anyway, we said bye... and never spoke to each other again, haha. I guess we both knew we weren't for each other and didn't want an awkward goodbye

 

[musicalpyramid]

I have done this before but only when either

a) the other person was clearly not that bothered so my lack of contact was simply a mirror of what I perceived their enthusiasm (or lack of) to be

or

b) from the very beginning I was - whether i acknowledged it to myself or not - already in love with someone else, and although perhaps I did like the new person and part of me wanted to make it work, in truth it was half hearted and I - by 'vanishing' - self sabotaged the new relationship to stop it going further.

To be clear though, one of the most terrible things I can imagine having to do would be to tell someone they wern't for me and it was over, if I thought they did have feelings for me. I did that once and it was just horrible. Just vanishing sounds cowardly and it probably is, but the horrible pain of having a 'break up conversation' is to be avoided at all costs.

For the record, from your story, my guess is that for the guy you were dating, it was option B. He gave mixed signals from the start and as things got momentum he disapeared. He probably genuinely liked you, a lot, but if I had to guess I would say he was already hung up on someone else, perhaps an ex.

 

[Valnadis]

I don't do this on purpose, (side note: not that I date, but when spending time with people I'm interested in or when I've been with friends). Sometimes after social interaction I'll automatically shut everything social out and not realise that I haven't been in touch with anyone unless they've reached out for me first. Or if something bad happens that makes me feel bad, I'll do the same.

Did you try to get in touch with him? Maybe he's waiting for you to contact him. If you're comfortable, my tip is that you tell him how you truly feel about him. We, I, love honesty like that. Tell us how it is so that we can work it out.

 

[millionbucks]

Hi Valandis--I thought this may be the case, so I did reach out just to see how he was doing. He took a week to respond, which for me gave the answer I needed about how he felt towards things

 

[B. Toast]

Haha. I went on a date with an INFJ once. We got on incredibly well, but deep down I knew she wasn't what I was looking for. At the end of the date we talked about meeting up again and where we could go on the next date. Anyway, we said bye... and never spoke to each other again, haha. I guess we both knew we weren't for each other and didn't want an awkward goodbye

Oh, now, that just makes me want to find an INFJ. Darn you.

 

[musicalpyramid]

If he really was interested, no amount of ''going into his own head'' (we do that a lot) and detatching from life would have prevented him contacting you or doing something to show you he was still interested.

He took a week to respond, like you said I'm afraid that says it all.

 

[LostTheMarbles]

I never lead people on in terms of dating, I'd never let anyone think I love them if I didn't but what I might do is let them down or push them away so gently that they may miss the hints.

The other problem I have is that EVERYONE thinks they're a friend even if they're just someone I talk to occasionally. My real friends will probably be hidden within the group but I treat them totally differently.

 

[Mermerce]

Hi @millionbucks,

My NF is very moody and down about attending medical school and leaving the country come new year's too, so that makes two. Apart from what the INFJs have said here about preferring to not face the goodbye scene, if your wishes are to continue a relationship with him (be it a friendship or romance), seek him out and tell him honestly how you feel. If anything, perhaps consider leaving him a letter/email, as those allow him to go back and view the content at a later time and are nice for sentimental people. Tell him that you appreciated his company, and [insert your thoughts in concise manner]. You never know, even if he is determined to cut connections at the moment, he might still appreciate you actively reaching out to him.

Sometimes I think what matters is that you were honest with yourself, and you did what needed to be done.

 

[OldManRivers]

Been a long time. . .yeah, I did that, shame haunts me 50 years later. Especially since I did it again . . .
On friendships, I have been accused of running hot and cold with no apparent reason. Beats me. Did not realize that.

 

[Elvish Lives]

I think you might be right about him not wanting to start something he couldn't finish, i.e. that he's concerned about getting hot and heavy when he's going to be leaving soon. The reason he may have initiated this relationship with you knowing that he'd be leaving is that he couldn't help himself. INFJ males are very impulsive when pursuing a new woman, so he may have initiated with you without even really stopping to consider his future. What's more likely is that he considered his future but this was overruled by his desire. This brings up a point that doesn't get made often. INFJ males who aren't trapped in self-loathing or awkward inexperience can be overt and powerful lovers. The typical portrait of the shy, stilted INFJ male certainly doesn't tell the whole story.

 

[Cross]

I am sometimes guilty of it; yet I am unaware. When I notice it or even get hints of it, I always ask, confirm, and apologize for doing so if it was not my intention. I think sometimes people see this person in me, that tries to charm them and give reasons for them to love me, because I am so interested in their experiences. It sort of gives the impression that I want to know them and be with them for a very long time. I am very interested in others' opinions and perspectives; but I am also a very private person too. I do not like pursuing if I don't see signs of things working out. Furthermore, I sometimes take a lot of time to consider whether something like a relationship will work out. I don't just throw it out like that. If I can help it, I would rather be alone than with someone on a regular basis.

 

[dai]

Sadly yes, albeitmostly unintentional.

Mixed with a houdini act

+

Feeling regeet later on..

What weird screwed ppl we are...

 

[StElmosDream]

Aside from disappearing mid conversation and sporadically engaging with people as a whole, I'd imagine that such spacey aloofness leads people to assume incorrect intentions (or too many intentions perhaps when I zone back in on people).

 

[BostonCEO]

I've done it in the past, unintentionally... but now that I am cognizant of the action/behavior, I have curbed it. Now I struggle with walking that tightrope where being "aloof" versus "intense" is equally as confusing and/or detrimental. Girls don't understand the "aloof" behavior and think I may not be interested... where they misinterpret "intensity" as something more than what it really is. I've begun to be very blunt and/or direct with people and I've had mixed results.

 

[RubiksCubix]

I always try to act confident in social interaction.

 

[Pleeb]

He is very charming, friendly, almost coming across as ENFP. But he seems to be a bit more withdrawn and harder to read when we are alone..lots of things make me think he was INFJ.

I understand where he's coming from. I try to act "lively" in social situations in order to communicate with others. Though, after a certain point of intimacy, I tend to become really terse, apathetic, and withdrawn; I think that most INFJs paradoxically can understand others much better than they can figure out their own emotions. I would assume it's because we tend to have a solid grasp of outside customs, norms, and social interactions (Fe), but inside, we're nothing like the naturally warm xNFPs. From the information you gave me, anyway, INFJ is a reasonable type.

Now, as @FearAndTrembling mentioned, goodbyes are awkward for us and mixed signals are common. Have you heard of the "door slam"? Whenever he manages to think about you, there are probably a million different conflicting thoughts in his head, and because of that goddamn Fe, he's not gonna say anything until after he's done sorting out his impressions, perhaps out of fear that he'll offend you or make shit even more awkward. I think it's fair to say that he DID like you (and probably still does), but for some reason (the overseas thing, maybe?) he instinctively chose to stop speaking to you to avoid any additional damage (y'know..."Out of sight, out of mind" or something).

Having said that, you should probably reach out to him. INFJs tend to need closure, especially in regards to relationships. I honestly doubt he'd take it the wrong way, and he'd probably be glad to hear from you.

 

[Melchiz]

Yes.

Quite.

When it feels right, with a friend or a frieeeeeennndddd, I pursue.

Edit: Oh wait. Isn hate hat you meant?

I meant that I tend to initiate relationships.