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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello everyone ESPECIALLY INFJ MALES,

I have a question relating to an INFJ male who I have been friends with for about 5 years now.
INFJ males please give advice! I am so confused.
This is kind of a long story, so please bear with me :]. I met this INFJ in college, 3 years ago, we started
hanging out a lot, like every day. At that time, I was dating one of his best friends, so I assumed it was safe ground. But during that time period, this INFJ male told me that he didn't think his friend and I were compatible or that it would go very far, so we ended up breaking it off. For the rest of that time, I guess our relationship went on the path of most relationships that INFJ males go on? It seemed like he could relate to my every word, we got along so well, and everyone thought something was going on. Eventually I began to like him and all his friends knew, but (according to his friends) he refused to believe it, so we continued to hang out. But as time went by, I in the end, came away being very very confused about his feelings because he never told me anything. I did confess to him that I liked him but he never was explicit about his own feelings but just told me that he felt like he was "cheating" on his future wife by how close we were. So we drifted apart.
3 years later, and 2 boyfriends later for me, we got close again. Now he lived in a different city, we chatted every single day for about 3-4 hours, if we were away from our computers, we'd text each other. This happened so that we both would tell each other almost everything that went on. 3 months into our re-kindling of our friendship, I had to go to his city for a work trip. When I was there, it seriously felt like a vacation (haha). Everything was back to how it was 3 years ago. We just get along so well! We spent all 5 days together. During that time though, I started to get odd signs. For instance, he'd ask me "so you're not going to date for 2 years?" (I had decided this since I had just gotten out of a relationship 3 months ago). One night we drank and he asked me for about half an hour 'why did you like me' and demanded an answer from me. Even though I gave him some answers, he wouldn't believe it and even said "I can't believe you'd like me." Another night, I asked him what he's non-negotiable for a future girlfriend/spouse was, and he didn't know so I told him "Musical." Then the next night he asked me if I thought he was musical. The last day, I even caught him looking at me when we were on a bus going somewhere, I had closed my eyes for a second but when I opened them, I looked over and he gave me this sheepish smile.
After I came back, I felt very vulnerable, I didn't want to engage in a another ambiguous relationship with this INFJ male again because I had been so hurt 3 years ago from him and I didn't want to be placed in the same situation again. So I asked his best friend, who was also one of my closest guy friends, about the INFJ male 3 years ago. The best friend told me that the INFJ did like me 3 years ago, but that he would never admit it to anyone. The best friend also told me that one of the INFJ's closest friends told him not to date me, or to really think about it.
Back to the present time, shortly after my trip from D.C., the INFJ and I had a conversation where he just brought up all of a sudden how he feels uncomfortable being this close to me and it was more a "Lets give each other more space" thing. But I agreed with him because I didn't want to be placed in a vulnerable situation.
But now about 1 week later after that trip and I felt like we had made so many memories and we could really be good friends or have a good relationship, we don't talk to each other anymore. I mean, I blocked him on various places and so on but...
I need advice INFJ males. What is going on??? Does he like me or not? He has many many female friends whom I feel like they could feel this "connection" similarly but I am already aware of his capacity to do that on a wide level, but this time I really felt like we did connect.
Please be blunt if necessary. I keep thinking about this INFJ and have no idea what to do.

Sorry it's so long!
 

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But as time went by, I in the end, came away being very very confused about his feelings because he never told me anything. I did confess to him that I liked him but he never was explicit about his own feelings but just told me that he felt like he was "cheating" on his future wife by how close we were. So we drifted apart.
This part sounds so bizarre to me. Do you know anything about this bolded part? Are you aware of if he had a fancy for someone else during this time, someone who he would consider a possible "future wife"?

The fact he keeps saying that he can't believe you would like him suggests to me that he may feel you are out of his "league," possibly?

Part of me thinks he is self sabotaging what could be a good connection. Another part of me thinks he isn't telling you the whole story. I personally believe his interest in you is beyond obvious, yet his contradictory behavior suggests either self sabotage or something hidden.

Thats a toughie. I know we can be elusive and all, but that seems a bit extreme.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
well, this is how I tried to understand the bold part: his male close friend told me that this INFJ male doesn't believe that a guy & girl can be close friends, because he believes that his wife will be his best friend. all my senses tell me that he is self-sabotaging as well, but i can only guess as to why... do other INFJ males do this too?
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
i was also thinking that maybe it is because he knows i won't date for 2 years?
also: does a really close guy friend telling you not to date someone have a very strong effect on INFJ male that he would not do anything? possibly any guy in general though right?
 

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If it were me - and given your history and past closeness - I'd just put it right out there, be direct. I'd ask directly what's going on - Does he like you? Why is he giving you mixed signals? Why does he keep pulling away?

I'm not INFJ, nor a male for that matter, but I know my INFJ boyfriend speaks in bloody riddles - even the simple things like not being able to outright ask if I'm busy and can he come over lol.

I make a point of putting him out of his misery and ask him outright: Where do you want to go tonight? Do you want to come over? - and back when it was all starting up - What do you want from me? Are we in a relationship? If I hadn't taken this approach, we'd have gone nowhere fast.

Direct, direct, direct - don't beat about the bush.

Also, don't be aggressive/too pushy.
 

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well, this is how I tried to understand the bold part: his male close friend told me that this INFJ male doesn't believe that a guy & girl can be close friends, because he believes that his wife will be his best friend. all my senses tell me that he is self-sabotaging as well, but i can only guess as to why... do other INFJ males do this too?
I do all the time. I used to think in terms of "could she be my wife" (for religious reasons) and it was very extreme and quite polarizing. I look back and see missed opportunities because of it. I can also come up with some wacky reasons why I self sabotage. It is amazing what I can convince myself of when left to my own devices.

It doesn't sound like he is left to his own devices though, quite the contrary. It sounds like he has influences in his life he confides in and listens to (his close friend that told him not to date you.)

The only thing I can think of is straight communication. You certainly dont want to be aggressive with it, but assertive, and just laying it on the line. That is surely easier said than done, but it sounds like you two are split at the moment anyway, and I don't see much other option for figuring out his conundrum. He sounds conflicted though, maybe you can ease that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
the reason why I can't be straight or direct about it is because I'm not going to date anyone for 2 years... I was hoping that we could just remain as friends as we were but because of our decision to be more distant, this is seeming to become not a possibility.

we also are religious so I can relate to your question of "could she be my wife" especially for him.

and actually now, I'm not completely sure if he does have influences in his life that he confides in, because he is so darn private~!

this is kind of off topic slightly, but could you share some wacky reasons that you self sabotaged? haha. i'm curious what goes on in the head of an INFJ.
 

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i was also thinking that maybe it is because he knows i won't date for 2 years?
also: does a really close guy friend telling you not to date someone have a very strong effect on INFJ male that he would not do anything? possibly any guy in general though right?
A close guy friend for me is something like a brother. This person would go thru in depth scrutiny to be my close friend that being said. Yes I would trust my close friend. Any other guy... nah.

Is there a friend of yours talking in his ear? Mutual friend maybe?
 
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this is kind of off topic slightly, but could you share some wacky reasons that you self sabotaged? haha. i'm curious what goes on in the head of an INFJ.
As a future oriented person I am constantly looking in the future and making decisions based on it. Its easy for me to come to a conclusion and stick to it. Consequently this can be viewed as someone stuck... What I mean is that in a hypothetical like yours... If I believed there was no wife possibility with you I would make choices right now to stop that from happening. Sadly this can be a fault with someone like me. And possibly someone like your INFJ. For what ever reason he could have seen you with anyone else but him. Therefor his choices and language would appear as though he is purposely sabotaging a romantic relationship with you. Even if he likes you, even if you are perfect for him... Sad isnt it. :( Many INFJs find them selves oblivious to what is happening around them because they are living in the future or in a frame of mind created by judgement.
 
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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
hmmm, we have many mutual friends. most all of them would not want us to date because i just came out of a relationship 3 months ago. about a month ago, INFJ male asked our mutual guy close friend "what if i dated *kara," to which the mutual guy friend said "i would never talk to you two ever again"
lol.

this mutual friend said this because he knows of our past history, he was the one that was there 3 years ago and saw it all happen. he always said to me "just hurry up and make up your damn minds" ...

so im gathering from the replies that he does like me? even though he does have many girl friends?

oh & he also has a male twin who is an INFP (like me), so lately we've been hanging out because the INFP and i are in the same city. i don't feel anything towards this INFP except comaraderie haha. could me becoming friends with his twin affect him at all? should i stop? i dont want to mislead or hurt the INFJ if this is a problem.

so much easier if i could just directly ask him or talk about it with him. but he is the most private person i've ever met. he even told me "no one in the world knows the real me."
gah!
 

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I self sabotage as well. I think sometimes I look for the reasons why a relationship won't work more than going by how I feel about her and how it could work. I think this partly has to do with looking for an ideal mate and partly because I'm pretty guarded with most people.

I don't mean to pry but you say you're not going to date for 2 years. Your reasons are your own and your decisions are your own. I just found it odd that you seemed so adamant about keeping to your pact. I wonder if you're looking for a reason to make an exception?

Also, I agree with directness. I try to be direct but it usually doesn't work out as I plan.
 

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hmmm, we have many mutual friends. most all of them would not want us to date because i just came out of a relationship 3 months ago. about a month ago, INFJ male asked our mutual guy close friend "what if i dated *kara," to which the mutual guy friend said "i would never talk to you two ever again"
lol.

this mutual friend said this because he knows of our past history, he was the one that was there 3 years ago and saw it all happen. he always said to me "just hurry up and make up your damn minds" ...

so im gathering from the replies that he does like me? even though he does have many girl friends?

oh & he also has a male twin who is an INFP (like me), so lately we've been hanging out because the INFP and i are in the same city. i don't feel anything towards this INFP except comaraderie haha. could me becoming friends with his twin affect him at all? should i stop? i dont want to mislead or hurt the INFJ if this is a problem.

so much easier if i could just directly ask him or talk about it with him. but he is the most private person i've ever met. he even told me "no one in the world knows the real me."
gah!
Oh my... you are hanging out with is brother...... :shocked: ahhhhhhh


Let me tell you this.. If his brother even says something like "Man, Kara is really cool" or pretty even. It could be all off. period.

I cant speak for him but I know how I would feel. I believe a relationship happens naturally.. its an organic growing blooming thing. SO.. it almost has to happen like randomly or magically or passively. Does that make sense? If his brother says anything that makes your INFJ believe there may be something between you two. He would totally back off. AND could even start prepping his brother for you. THE only way you could stop this is to tell his brother you like him and hope that he tells your INFJ.
 
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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
oh no~! :shocked:
hmmmm... i talk about the INFJ when i'm around the INFP brother alot haha.
but this is alarming...

also-- for an INFJ male, how is the INFP female lol....?
 

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My intuition tells me that he likes you but there exist an inner contradiction that let to self-sabotage. There could be also some self-stem issues at some level...wonder if he had a bad experience in a past relationship. He has difficulty ascertain his own feelings...hence the mixed signals and why he didn't wanted to admit to anyone his feelings for you 3 years ago. A part of him wants to be with you and see what happens but the other part is imagining multiple reasons of why doing that is a bad idea. There is also some self-doubt..a part of him feels that he is not lovable...hence the constant pondering when he was drunk of why did you like me?. But he is interested in you yet because he asked so you're not going to date for 2 years?. In his mind he have all these contradictory feelings and emotions that leads to the current predicament that we have in our hands.

I am more curious about you than him. What do you truly want?..forget about him for a moment..or what might or may not happen and reflect about it for a few minutes. Now lets say that he likes you....what will you do?. To be in a relationship means to be vulnerable. To love someone you have to lower your barriers and let someone in. There is also your decision of not want to date for 2 years...do you decide to take that time off to figure some things on your own?. Once you know the answer to these question you will figure what to do...I am sure of that :).
 
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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I am more curious about you than him. What do you truly want?..forget about him for a moment..or what might or may not happen and reflect about it for a few minutes. Now lets say that he likes you....what will you do?. To be in a relationship means to be vulnerable. To love someone you have to lower your barriers and let someone in. There is also your decision of not want to date for 2 years...do you decide to take that time off to figure some things on your own?. Once you know the answer to these question you will figure what to do...I am sure of that :).
to agape:
thanks for your thoughtful response! :) it definitely shed some light onto the whole situation. as to what i want, i guess for right now, i want to remain friends as i was with the INFJ for the 2 years, because honestly after 2 years and we're still close friends, i'd want to date and move forward. so what i want is friendship... but with a future internal expectation...

also! i found something where we chatted: can you decipher it for me? *changed the names :]

me: ur so confusing
since u knew me for 4-5 years now
what would u say my type is
1:19 AM INFJ: hmm
lol
um
1:20 AM it's going to be weird saying this
but i think you need someone like me
lol
but just not me
hahhahah
1:21 AM so you're goign to need someone that is more on the blunt sensitive side
who appreciates the little things
who enjoys talking
who has a heart of a child
who likes to play
and make things like a game
1:22 AM someone that puts life into perspective
that doesn't make problems seem such a big problem
 

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also! i found something where we chatted: can you decipher it for me? *changed the names :]

me: ur so confusing
since u knew me for 4-5 years now
what would u say my type is
1:19 AM INFJ: hmm
lol
um
1:20 AM it's going to be weird saying this
but i think you need someone like me
lol
but just not me

hahhahah
1:21 AM so you're goign to need someone that is more on the blunt sensitive side
who appreciates the little things
who enjoys talking
who has a heart of a child
who likes to play
and make things like a game

1:22 AM someone that puts life into perspective
that doesn't make problems seem such a big problem
Ill put it bluntly:
He doesnt want to be with you.. He wants you to be with his brother.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Ill put it bluntly:
He doesnt want to be with you.. He wants you to be with your brother.
to TxWolves:
your response caught me off guard, seems like an abrupt statement to me. does everyone else agree or think the same?

i never hung out with his brother at the time of this convo which was like 3 months ago, also, when i interpreted it i was thinking that the "but just not me" was more of a self-sabotaging comment.

what do you think?
 

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Ill put it bluntly:
He doesnt want to be with you.. He wants you to be with your brother.
I do not agree with your statement about him wanting his bro to be in a relationship with the OP. It just seems weird but I do not have a twin or a brother for that fact so I have no clue.

I think he resents you on some level back to when you were dating his best friend and not him. He figure you are just trying to "make up" to what you did to him. If it was me in the situation, I would be the same way. Or he is seeing someone right now and just trying to get back at you.
 

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I like the answer of TxWolves offer a distinct perspective on the matter. Nonetheless all we can offer is that...a perspective. Each one of us lives in his/her private world..at best one can make a good guess about how this INFJ feels about you.
At least you know what you want now :p. You really like this guy and enjoys his company...I can tell because you are reading old conversation logs..so he matters to you. Don't really have a clue what he said that...maybe the brother like TxWolves said but also the fear of intimacy self-sabotaging again or maybe something different lol.

Focus on the friendship and drop the expectations of a future relationship with him. I say the expectations not the possibility. The relationship could happen...who I am to know what will happen in the future? but the expectations put pressure in you and when they aren't fulfilled there is always pain. Life is waiting for you. You don't know what you are missing until you move on. He has some issues on his own that he needs to figure out, like everyone else. You told him bluntly that you like him in the past...I think that he is afraid of emotional intimacy at some level..so even if he liked you...that fear paralyzed him. Maybe as a friend you could help him to overcome this issue but move forward. You are a great girl and deserve someone that could reciprocate those beautiful feelings that you hold inside you without all these puzzles and detective work. Relationships are really simple...I love you and you love me...that's it.Do we need to play all those guessing games? lol..we people complicate it too much.
 
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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
thank you agape!
you are so right... can only speculate and guess.
either way, i'm glad i got to hear everyone's perspective and thoughts, especially from INFJs.
INFJs have always fascinated me :D, and they're all so interesting and kind lol.

i will definitely have to just think more on this issue (haha typical infp :]_)
 
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