[QuintessentialINFJ]

I am an INFJ female in a long-distance "relationship" with an INFP male for about 3 months. Short version of the background story--knew each other growing up, kissed once in 8th grade. Fast forward 20 years, we randomly reconnect and decide to have dinner. We immediatley connected immensely and spent every spare minute together for about 2 weeks until he moved back home half-way across the country. It was a life-changing experience for me because I've never dated another NF and found being with an INF to be a dream-come-true and I believe he feels the same way. He says what he loves best about me is that he can talk to me about anything, like he can with his best friends. We also have an incredible physical chemistry, which we'd always had since 8th grade. I've been out to spend 2 long weekends with him and it has been incredible for us both.

As I have now learned with INFP's...he's slow to trust. As an INFJ I am as well but once I let you in I'm all in. Our J-P difference is rearing its head--he'd rather enjoy our relationship and live day by day. He doesn't want to say we're boyfriend/girlfriend, etc as he thinks labels are the curse of death and he wants this to work. He trusts me but admits he's still holding back. I, on the other hand, knew I'd found someone special immediately and am willing to give him my all. I am driving for some kind of closure and need to know where he sees our relationship going because carrying on a long-distance relationship is expensive and takes a lot of maneuvering on my part (I'm a single mother of a toddler). He, however, continues to say we are great and wants to just take every day as it comes.

My question is this....should I date other people or continue to give my all to this man whom I adore, without knowing where it will head? I'm struggling to understand if his ambivalence about direction is due to his P and I therefore should not take it personally...in which case I would NOT dare jeopardize his trust in me by dating others. If, however, this is not a P thing and I should take it personally, how do you other INFP men think he would react if I told him I plan to date other people?

 

[itrick]

Have you talked to him about this? That you are having a hard time dealing with a long-term relationship and that you both might want to date on the side during the interim?

I'm not sure we'll be able to help you. If I put myself in his position, I wouldn't want to make a serious commitment either. Seeing as how you seem to both have very seperate lives right now, despite the fact that you had a real emotional connection.

I do know that INFP / INFJ can have an amazing relationship though.

Good luck to you both. I hope you find a way to make it work, but my advice is that you need to work this out between the two of you.

 

[QuintessentialINFJ]

Thanks for the advice! Yes, I've talked to him about it and he admits that being slow to trust is baggage that he has from previously falling too hard/too fast in relationships. He says he's going slow and doing things differently this time because he wants it to work, but because of the long-distance I'm afraid that I might not be as intuitive about knowing his motives as I usually am. I fully believe that we both feel like this is an awesome relationship that has potential, however, I also have to resist the temptation to give too much of myself if I'm not sure it's going to pay off for me.

P.S. he has no interest in dating anyone else but that is not because of any level of commitment between us, moreso because he is fulfilled with one relationship at a time.

 

[PanolX]

Hopefully you and him talk about it soon, let him know what you think and how you came up with the thought and how important this is for you, and for him.

 

[wanderingone]

If i was in a long distance relationship where a connection exists that is as wonderful as yours sounds, i would be terrified of losing it, and probably default to the carefully-see-what-you-get-don't-plan-too-far-ahead-for-fear-of-fucking-it-up mindset. For P's (well, for me anyway), plans are just something that can go wrong, where the instinct of the moment never seems to fail. (I'm sort of all over the place in my head right now trying to explain this so bear with me) Ok, personally, if i felt that a relationship had the potential to be THE relationship, my immediate thoughts would be about what i had to change to make sure it worked. In your situation that means someone has to move, probably get a new job, etc etc.. but if the connection was real, such a thing wouldn't even phase me. Love is always more important. So my thought is that he wants to make sure, before he commits to any changes (different from committing to you! please don't misread, heh).

So here comes the J-P difference... where you'll likely not entirely jive with what i've got to say. You said you want closure about the future in a sense, you want to be sure of where it's headed. For me there is no sure about the future, ever, all that's real is right now, and right now it seems like you guys are crazy about each other. You said you had to resist giving too much of yourself until you know it will pay off. Unfortunately, it pays off for him the instant you give all of yourself.

My advice is that you get all this time business out in the open. That's where your friction is coming from... find out what it will take for him, tell him what it will take for you, where you want things to go. You'll always perceive the future differently, but that doesn't mean you can't agree on it. I think that even bringing up the possibility of dating other people is going to shake his perception of your feelings for him and slow things down significantly, so i would stay away from that. From his perspective there is his life with you, and his life without you... your life with someone else just makes you that much farther from him, even if it hasn't happened yet. (that doesn't make much sense, hearing it... but that's the only way i can think to describe it) It probably has a bit to do with you so readily accepting the possibility that you could have something as good with anyone else. From a P's moment to moment perspective, certain instants shine so brightly that other possibilities may as well not exist, so if you're seeing other possibilities, he probably thinks you're not feeling it as deeply.. even though you're probably just feeling it in a different time-sense.

Maybe just bring up living closer to each other, to get a feel for his thoughts on that.. like, not in a way that you're ready to up and move, just feel him out and see if it's "worth it" for him, you know? really just be open. as an INF you know when people are being real and complete, and so does he, and only that kind of conversation will let him move forward.

anyway that was terribly convoluted, i hope you get my intention.. i'll definately try and clarify if not.

 

[amanda32]

Noooooooooo, don't date other people.

I think if he's dating you, he's really interested and not dating anyone else. You're probably constantly on his mind. He's most likely learned to go slowly, not because of you but perhaps because when he falls it's intense.

If you said you wanted to play the field? Well, I think he'd be quite hurt. But that just may get him to commit also. Idk.

 

[velociraptor]

when it comes to relationships, I staunchly (foolishly? naively?) believe that if you're meant to be, nothing's going to stop you. I want to believe that things will always work out, that things aren't going to fall apart because of one wrong word or lack of foresight. for that reason I'm not adverse to long distance relationships at all -- I know that they have their difficulties and their problems, but I want to believe that that's not going to stop me. in fact, I think I said the exact same thing to a guy I liked as your INFP said; I wanted to just live day by day and see where things took us, and he just kept coming back to the fact that he lived in the UK and I was returning to the US in three months and so really there could be no future. it was frustrating, and in the end I gave up, but I still believe that things could have worked out if he gave it a try. I don't think anything is going to shake me out of this belief, no matter how many bad experiences I have. I don't know if your INFP is as stubborn as I am, but chances are he's got that romantic view of love and relationships and doesn't see the same problems that you're seeing.

your emotional welfare is just as important as his, so if you're not comfortable with his idealism, it's just as important for you to make your discomfort known as it is for him to remain in his comfort zone. what you eventually do should be entirely decided, in the end, by what sorts of compromises the two of you can come to. all I can do is to provide a bit of insight on what might be going through his head, and to assure that you that, at least for me, taking things as they come would not, by any means, be a sign that I am less invested in the relationship.

 

[QuintessentialINFJ]

Thank you all for your INFP insight on this issue, it is exactly what I was hoping to hear! I will take your advice and definitely continue on in this journey with him. What makes an INFJ/INFP relationship as awesome as it is is our shared ability to idealize life and certainly our most adored aspect of it, which is our relationships. I think we both do believe we can overcome the distance, I just need to relax and we both need to trust! I recognize what a rare gem I have found in this partnership so I don't want to do anything to jeopardize it!

 

[Miss KABE]

i think if you really want him in your life at any cost you know what to do

 

[gaudy316]

Infj and infp relationship is one of the best relationship either can have in my opinion. Once he realizes how special and different you are I believe he will open up to you and trust you more and more. Believe me, infps can overlook something or someone before they find out how much they truly value. I don't know what your bf has been through but we can easily forget things once we realize how special the next person (you) comes along. That may take some time. To speed things up, ask him nf questions directly. Where does he see you two in the future (because as an infp he's already thinking about this, the day by day thing is a cautious excuse I believe)?

The only thing I'm really worried about is that you two are in a really long distance. Are either of you willing to move? What are your career statuses? I think this is what he worries most.