Personality Cafe banner
1 - 4 of 4 Posts

2 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I and my ESTJ's boyfriend have been in a relationship for more than 2 years (from Jan 2013). We rarely had problems with communication, we talked through phones and texts everyday.

7 months later, when he came home, where is far from the city we're living and working now, an old friend of him expressed her feelings, she wanted to date with him (they were very close before, I think). Oneday I saw their messages and yes, they were like in a relationship (in distance) even thought he was dating me! I cried a lot, and he cried more than me, promised that he would never be like that, he apologied, I accepted this. (Recently, he said to me that in that period, she tried to get in touch with him, but he refused it all).
4 months later, I was in a crush with another boy after a hard time trying to understand and fix my bad feelings about our relationship, I felt that he's not take care of me anymore, like he tried to distance from me, I was so lonely in his love. So I told him "We should break up", he tried a lot to ask for the reason (At that time I didn't told him about my crush), he didn't want to break up, I agreed. One week later, he showed me the messages between him and THE GIRL (Oh God, right after he returned home the 2nd times, they went out holiday together, and likely to be in a relationship and I knew nothing about this!) to show his honesty and told me that FROM this time, he would never ever let this happen again. And I told her about my recent crush with another boy too, he was shocked, but we figured things out.
The 2nd year has no problem, I believed him completely.

After the 3rd time he came back home. The problem was severe (Right before the time he came back, our relationship had been likely no conflict, we had talked about the future more and more, but wait?). After 2 months he came back to the city, he sent a text message to a wrong receiver, this was me! The text included 2 picture of HER, and the content "Do you see my GF beautiful?", I was shocked, completely shocked! When he realised this, he told me "We break up.", when I asked "Are you sure?", he cried, and not sure. This hurts me a lot, because he broke all of his promises just after 2 MONTHS of seeing HER again. He told me:
+ he could come back to me oneday
+ he loved me more than her.
+ but she would be his rational choice, and they might build a strong relationship after she moved to the city in the next 2 years (Although our hometowns have far distance, but both decided to live and work in the city together, so why?)
+ and we were so different (he could not know what I really want, where I want to go)
+ he tried too hard to make me happy (that he would be happy too) and was so tired
+ he believe that he would love her like he love me now IN THE FUTURE
I had no idea, he was so conflict! I didn't believe him. I thought that he's in a crush with her but still want me to wait for him, and that's all. I asked him to try to fix our relationship, he agreed, but I felt like he put too little effort to fix, to make me believe, he just let me alone in our relationship, I just could not stand this coldness and rudeness, and asked him a breaking up, he surprised and cried, but still let me go, no word, no action. After that, I tried so much to asked him for a final decision, the more I asked, the more indecicive he was, the more I hurt. We've been through this situation for 1,5 months, I was nearly mad and forced him more and more.
The GIRL went from his hometown to to city to met him a few days ago. In this time, he texted me that "I miss you, I love you, but it hurts so much". I just cannot understand why? And I asked him for a decision one more time, 2 days after. He texted me "Let be friends, it's too late to comeback". I called him 2 days ago and he answered coldly, yesterday I texted him again.
I really want to understand why he acted like this, is he lying and being so selfish (that he want me to wait for him, if his relationship with HER breaks oneday, he will have me right then?)? What could I do now, ask him to comeback or giving him space or letting him go? And what would be the results of each decision?

Premium Member
6,856 Posts
Drop him and move on with your life. Do not try to find a way to be friends.

He has habitually lied to you and taken advantage of your trust and forgiveness. You do not deserve to be treated like this.

He only wants you in the picture to be a fallback in case it doesnt work with the other girl. Make no mistake, you will ALWAYS be only the fallback. If they do break up and he comes back to you, he will only use you to pass the time until he finds another girl to cheat with.

You do not deserve this hurt. You do not deserve to be treated like second-hand goods. You do not deserve to be a fallback for a guy who can't be a decent human being.

Please, please, please do yourself some good and remove this guy from your life. Don't rationalize his behavior, don't negotiate with him. He is not asking for a friendship with you because he cares about you.

Delete his contact info, block him from your social media. Remove those things that remind you of him or make you want to contact him. It's going to suck. It's going to be hard. But you will be much better off for it. If you continue to let him control you by your feelings, this will drag on for years until you are emotionally used up.

Don't do this to yourself. Don't let him do it to you. Stop forgiving him and leave now.

One of my current friends is going through almost an identical situation to yours, and she hasn't been able to pull the plug on it. It has made her a miserable shell of herself. Please don't do the same.

452 Posts
I don't know about whether the guy is ESTJ or what, but if your description is accurate, the guy's actions speak for itself.

There are selfish pricks of every kind. ESTJs too.

What is different here is that ESTJs tend to judge others and themselves by behaviour. Repeated dishonest behaviour is not tolerable, especially by ESTJ standards.

So if he can't even be bothered to make a change, get rid of him. It's painful, yes, but better now rather than let it go deeper and increase the hurt.

2 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thank you for your advises.
I'm back with the good new, and I also wish those who are facing the same situation may find the way.
Right after that, I decided not to contact him and saw what happened. It hurt me the most I've ever been for sure.
They have been in a distance relationship until now.
He stalked my blog almost everyday and he did know I knew this. I found it affected me in some ways, I wrote to express my feelings to him, about our relationship, about them, everything, he knew it all. Because of that, I couldn't get over him.
After 3 months, I made an all or none decision, I wanted to know why he cared that much. I called him. He refused me, told me he was not the same person, he wasn't fit to be with me anymore, he cried.
I decided to move on.
Yesterday, that girl texted me that she felt sorry for me and she was happy I don't see any guilty conscience in that satisfying attitude. I've just unblocked her from facebook for 2 days, how could she do that to me?
Birds of a feather flock together.
It was really hard, for almost half of the year, I could not believe that person could be so cold whenever I told him to tell me all the truth (he acted so pitiful like he was facing a dilemma). He was all like:
- Let it go, it's too late.
- I'm not worthy, if we come back, our relationship won't be the same. (I asked whether he felt guilty or not? He said NO)
To make it clear, whenever I asked him the truth, he always thought that I wanted him to come back and told me he couldn't, rather than told me the truth! What he lied about, I hadn't known any of them until yesterday (that girl told me "something" and I realised)
I don't know, the more I recover, the less I respect him (and NOW, hell NO). My friends tell me it's not because of me being prissy, it's because of him, he lies all the time, he deserves this.
Anyway, there're lots of fun now, more friends, more valuable things to focus.
1 - 4 of 4 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.