Personality Cafe banner

1 - 4 of 4 Posts

Registered
Joined
2 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
looking for any advice on how to deal with my often [inadvertently/unaware] snarky, offensive ESTP husband - I am a sensitive INFJ rooted in validation, manners & social niceties and need to figure out how to help my ESTP husband learn to filter more & speak with more sensitivity (or at least neutrality, he is straight-up Donald Trump jackhole sometimes) --- I know he is who he is, but I'm a firm believer that while I am working to think & talk to him with my head & not always my heart in order for him to get what I'm trying to communicate more clearly, its fair to ask he reciprocate with working on sensitivity- how can I help him with this without "changing" him, or belittling him?
 

Registered
Joined
10,016 Posts
Do not imply suggest or say, 'help' him for starters.

I would be pissed if someone was implying to me they were helping me learn social etiquette. First thought would be, helping me or helping yourself.

Instead of trying to teach him social niceties. Maybe just actually be direct and say that you would appreciate he use his filter in some cases more.

I know some INFJs like to help people and teach. But if you would like to stick a knife in an ESTP soul than patronize him with an etiquette lesson and present it as a gift of helping him.
 

Registered
Joined
1,845 Posts
This is unfortunately not a great match when it comes to communication style. I sort of have experience with my Mom and her best friend from childhood (who are INFJ and ESTP women respectably) and this pretty much describes their relationship. My Mom has pretty much just learned to stop sharing her problems and downright ignore her friend's blunt nature, but it's a bit harder with relationships.

I would suggest being direct about saying what hurts your feelings or not, but try not to be pushy since it may make it worse.
 

Registered
INFP 4w5 sp
Joined
5,261 Posts
I was in a similar predicament with a snarky INTJ roommate.... We have a more functional relationship now, but we also don't live together anymore - not to suggest you end it though.

It sounds like a lot is going to depend on his interest in putting effort into solving this issue between you, but don't take for granted that he may think he IS doing a lot of accommodating which you just haven't noticed because it either isn't enough (because you're on a completely different scale) or because it's stuff you take for granted because it's natural for you and you wouldn't expect it to take effort on his part. It would probably be good to find out his perspective on this. I know my friend was pretty unaware of how many of her mannerisms affected others, but at the same time she actually wasn't as thoughtless of others as it appeared to me.

Definitely be direct, BUT unfortunately, if there is any hint of 'hurt' emotion while you say so it may be brushed off as 'whining'. Returning a snarky or blunt comment to make that point may work, but then again people don't always take those well from people who don't naturally talk like that. so yeah.... I've found that Thinkers often bristle at 'weak' emotions like sadness, but seem to deal a little better with outward pushing emotions like irritation/annoyance.

Text conversations have been a lifesaver for me and my friend because I'm hearing less of her snarky tone of voice and seeing less of her eye rolling, while she's hearing less of my 'sentimental' or sympathetic tone of voice and expressions which irritate her. When she learned to just type a smily face sometimes instead of whatever comment she might have thrown at me it really helped.

I found things worked better for me with her when 1) I had other people available to vent to or to give me comfort and affection so I was still fulfilled in that and could then just enjoy the more intellectual conversations with her. 2) she was not under a lot of stress so she had more energy to be accommodating with and was not quite as inclined towards severe snarkiness (things got really bad for me when her work environment became one that grated on her too much all day so she had nothing left to give when she was at home). Obviously in a romantic relationship you're going to want to share some of those emotional conversations, but some fulfillment in that realm may need to come from other girl-friends or family of yours (if it doesn't already). And his level of stress (if that's a factor) may not be something you can do much about if it's coming from his workplace. I know, not helpful. But something to consider if he seems very closed to your attempts to bring his hurtfulness to his attention is that maybe he's 'hurting' more than you realize and something needs to change for him to be in a better place emotionally/mentally.

For me and my friend it took me moving out to get through to her that she needed to take other people's emotions more seriously, and it also took a drastic change in her work environment for her to get to a place where she wasn't in such a harsh mindset all the time towards others. Ultimately what we both needed when under stress was exactly the opposite, so when we were both under stress we were in the least able state to be what eachother needed and it became a vicious cycle. I sincerely hope you can work things out without things becoming too drastic. When you're feeling hurt and resentful it's really important to stop yourself from brooding over those things mentally, and to actively remind yourself of the good things about that person and your relationship with them. It also really helps when dealing with a difficult relationship if you can find outside support to help heal yourself and get you to a place where you are better able to be gracious and reasonable (that goes for both parties).
 
1 - 4 of 4 Posts
Top