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Discussion Starter #1
INFJ thoughts on "the one", "soul mates", and the idea of settling

I've been mulling this over ever since responding to the thread on whether or not an INFJ will ever be satisfied in terms of love and relationships. I'd love to hear more thoughts on the INFJ view of a satisfying relationship and how they expect it to happen. Is anything less than instantaneous attraction or "spark" considered settling or lowering one's standards? Please read the exerpt from my response from the other thread.

Here is what I ponder. I'm not sure it's so much about finding the "perfect" person for you but rather someone who cares enough to work at it. At some point, someone will have to appreciate us for who we are to the core but it may be up to us to communicate (in their terms) who we are. If they care, they will see it - otherwise they may just laugh it off and tell us we are nuts! I've always believed that there is the possibility of that so-called perfect, "meant to be" relationship. Two souls that touch one another and stick, soul mates, "the one"...how many other terms can I come up with? In any case, we need to accept that there will be euphoric highs in a relationship, just as there will be heart crushing lows. When you have 2 people that have separate emotions - unpredictable are our emotions - it will not ALWAYS be perfect. As INFJ's we strive for perfection because we know it's possible - if we can imagine it - it has to exist. This in some respects is one of our pitfalls. We fear the term "settling" or are haunted by the fact that maybe the next person is better for us. Maybe, we were meant to inspire someone past a point they are naturally able to.

Ponder this. I see myself as being the type of person that can see from point A to point Z, and everything in between. Someone else may only see what's possible between point A and point T. If I were to choose to enter a relationship with said person, does this mean that I'm settling because they can only see to point T? Or, if I communicate and lead this person past T and they are open enough to explore that...will they eventually reach Z? Some may argue that perhaps this person will never reach Z, and that is a real possibility. What we live with as NIFJs is wondering if the person standing next to the A/T guy or gal is an A/Z person just like we are. Maybe they are an A/X person but they don't have the openess to move beyond that or maybe they are only an A/D person - it's hard to say! And to futher ponder...what if that person were A/ZZ? Just imagine what some people think we may be missing out on!
 

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I find this romantic idealism really attractive and beautiful, but you may be making it a bit hard for anyone to fit that 'perfect' soulmate partner.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Willy -
That's just it. That is why I pose the question. Perhaps we do make it too difficult to find that "perfect" person. Maybe that person and ourselves need to be cultivated into the type of relationship we desire. I just wanted to see what everyone else would say about it. Considering where I live, the odds of me meeting my "cosmic" companion is pretty much slim to none - so it made me ponder!:happy:
 
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Reality would more likely reflect something along the lines of:

- You, Waterviolet, can see [A1 to Z1]. However, while you like [G1, L1, S1, V1 and X1], you want [B1, L1 and V1] and you need [G1, H1, V1 and X1].

- A potential partner of yours can see [A1 to T1] and [R2 to U2], likes [insert whatever], wants [insert whatever] and needs [insert whatever].


Fine, you might be able to "see everything in-between" the limits of the two points along your perceived line (segment), but whatever we are talking about probably has more dimensions.

Basically I'm extending your "they might be able to see from A to ZZ" point*, except, you probably cant see "everything in-between" yourself (nor would they), and there is bound to be something they can see between A and Z that you missed.

(*= Well, I would have said "E to AC" to convey that you two are bound to be able to see (some) different things and it would be unlikely that one of you could see everything the other can plus more.)


Say that there is just one thing they can see that you don't - would they be settling for you? If you want to think that way, well at least you're settling for each other (if you can see at least one thing they can't).

But you know what? If they can't see something that you think is meaningful or whatever, drag them past their sight to experience it and you shall be the mystical entity who allowed them to do so.


Also my other point is that some of the things you can "see" you probably don't like, want or need anyway.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Oh boy...instead of inspiring me Garm you totally made my mind seize up! I'm sure there are lots of things I can't see, and even if I were to clone myself - my clone wouldn't have the same exact thought processes at the same exact time. So my clone wouldn't be the same person, with the same experiences defining my life even though we are genetically the same. Hence, I'm sure there is a lot of stuff I'm unaware of between A and Z but it was just a general idea of what could be ultimately possible - admittedly, others might see something different. Assuming that everyone starts out at A and general assumption that Z is the end of the alphabet it was just a fact of trying to visualize the possibilities in a way that everyone could imagine it. Anyhow, I think I need a nap now - reading your post wore me out. It would make for a good debate though! Now I can ponder what it is I want while at the same time not knowing what I need.
 

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I'm sure there are lots of things I can't see, and even if I were to clone myself - my clone wouldn't have the same exact thought processes at the same exact time. So my clone wouldn't be the same person, with the same experiences defining my life even though we are genetically the same.
But at the same time, an individual who is not a clone of you could still have experienced similar situations as you had throughout life. Such an individual could end up seeing the same or at least a very close scope that you can.

However, where is the benefit in that? One can't devleop and learn from a copy of themselves. Sure, sometimes the difference between two people is too much for anything to happen, in that area, between them, but once they are compatible enough, surely the more they can learn and develop from each other, the better?


But anyways, basically I'm just saying that it's not so linear, we don't all start out at A (different cultures and upbringings and etc) and we all end up with crazy combinations at the end, and to be honest, I don't think there really is a "Z" unless it's omniscience or something.


Nap well.
 

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I don’t think I believe in soul mates not because I'm not romantic but I believe we can get along and love more than one type of person and I don’t mean settling by that. What worries me the most is someone not accepting me for who I am that I have to hide some aspect of myself from them because if I do something part of my personality and I get criticized for it and they would want to change it then that would just be unacceptable...behaviors or habits can be changed no problem but the essence of who I am no. So I'm always afraid I won’t find someone like that and settling would mean I would have to hide part of me to get along with that person.
 

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Any chance you could clarify the difference between these a bit more? Maybe an example or two.
Ok I have a habit of leaving certain things out of place but my sister wants things in order always so she would nag me to return them to their place, I can change that and I'm better at it now. On the other hand, I'm not what you call the follower types and the most hated thing for me is being told what to do if a man comes and starts tell me to do things his way without even asking me about my opinion or if I agree then I can't handle that actually if I have to settle for someone like that I would prefer to be alone.
 

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So with your sister's nagging, you at least agree that you should be (or at least it would be more ideal if you were) more orderly with poessesions in the home.

However, if you didn't agree with the above, then would you have a problem with your sister's nagging/demands?
 

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I was trying to explain what I'm willing to change what is not part of the essence of my character. I can change behaviors to get along with others because there has to be room for compromise. The nagging is annoying but I can see her way so in a way I do agree things have to be in place.
 

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If an individual demanded that you do something, without asking you how you felt about it, but you actually agreed with them, would this be compromising the essence of your character or not? E.g: if a partner of yours demanded that you be more orderly with possessions around the home (does your sister do something different? Does she say "I'd like for you to be more orderly" or does she order it, but nicely?).
 

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So with your sister's nagging, you at least agree that you should be (or at least it would be more ideal if you were) more orderly with poessesions in the home.

However, if you didn't agree with the above, then would you have a problem with your sister's nagging/demands?

Thanks for asking the question, it made me reflect on the issue more and connect the dots so to speak. The difference between the two issues is that yes it might appear that I did what my sister asked even though I said I hate to be told what to do but she never asked me to change who I am to always do what she wants and never to have a say in anything and that is what I meant if I’m with someone who would ask me to be something I’m not meaning I would have to be an actual follower of all he asked without question which is what I object to. The behavior my sister has an issue with I agreed to change it because I saw it is a good idea. Now the question is if I didn’t think it was a good idea would I change it then no I wouldn’t and had arguments with my sister about having different opinions or ways of doing things. I have found out today she is an ESTP, which explains a lot about of our level of agreement though she is an accepting person so she may nag sometimes and want things to go her way but she accepts me as an individual even if some of my behaviors are annoying to her (that applies to me also).

If an individual demanded that you do something, without asking you how you felt about it, but you actually agreed with them, would this be compromising the essence of your character or not? E.g: if a partner of yours demanded that you be more orderly with possessions around the home (does your sister do something different? Does she say "I'd like for you to be more orderly" or does she order it, but nicely?).
I would grumble about it in front of them or say something snappy like "I know" if I was actually going to do it without them telling me to do it. But as I described earlier I wouldn’t see that as changing my character just something I find annoying.
Demanding something of me is not accepted for sure and I would tell him that but I still wouldn’t see that as changing my character but if he said please I would do it out of respect and because I agree with him and if I don’t agree I’m willing to be convinced of the change if there is any usefulness or necessity to it. My sister just says “put these back” or “why is this still here?” which sometimes makes me say “I’ll do it later” and in reality she ends up putting it back. Actually, I’m an orderly person but sometimes I just like something out of place because I thought I might use it in the future and want it infront of me but my “S” type sister doesn’t see it that way. :laughing:
 

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I don't like terms like soul-mate... :laughing: to new agey, although nothing wrong with that, but it makes me cringe a bit even though I think such a thing does exist, in some ways, but a little bit different.

I believe a person attracts the quality of their life. I also believe a person attracts their mate. If I change myself in a positive way, maybe I will be deserving of that woman who I desire to be in a relationship in my mind. Maybe the desire of my heart will become the reality of my existence.

But I don't want to think I have thrown away so much time simply for a unrealistic imagination. I have never been in a relationship, as I felt that I was saving myself for a partner who would match me and accept my, despite my obvious flaws. And together, like two spiritual seekers, grow together and be.

I think it is completely unrealistic now, the more I interact on this forum, as this isn't something peculiar to myself, but an idealistic thing from being a INFJ.
 

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Ok, I think I get it now MoonLight; it's as you said before: the part of your character/essence that we have been analysing is simply that you refuse to be ordered around. Well, I think it's a little bit more complicated that - you refuse to be ordered to do things which you don't agree with (doing things you don't necessarily agree with for people who ask nicely or who are being reasonable does not compromise this of course, as they aren't demanding).

Aye?
 

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Haha, is anything ever simple anyway? :laughing: I refuse to be ordered around in any case but if put nicely and I agree with it or if I'm convinced of it even though I disagreed at first then I would accept the situation.
 
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