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As INFJ's we're bound to overthink everything to the point where it's like not even overthinking anymore.

We analyse, dissect, constantly shift our perspective and angle to view and understand things in so many different points of views that it seems we're "picky" when it comes to finding a partner. And we are and I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. But sometimes we forget to live in the moment and just enjoy being with someone without thinking about the future. Being an INFJ, it's next to impossible to do that, we can't NOT think about the future and if things will work out. We're probably already solving arguments that will happen in 10 years from now. :D

I think to combat this problem, we should make a checklist. Not a detailed one, just a few points that meet your criteria about looking for a soulmate. Note that usually when having a list of things you want in someone, it's mostly if not always focused on characteristics. Try to change characteristics to mentality instead.

See if that persons psychology is compatible with yours.
See how the react when they get angry.
See what makes them angry.
Learn their limits.
Learn how their mind works so you can get wrap yours around it and learn the best way to interact with them.

That's what we should be focusing on. I see too many people talking about the characteristics they want in a guy. Fun, loving, honest, caring, funny etc.
 

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I learned the hard way that if someone mirrors you, seems to be the perfect match, and convinces you that you're soulmates... you may be about to be reeled into a relationship with a narcissist or sociopath. I no longer believe in such a thing as a defense mechanism.
 

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I don't believe in soul mates. The idea of locking down one person as yours is possessive and narcissistic. Saying they exist on this planet simply for my whims is a sickening thought to think of. Hardly romantic. I think there are numerous populace in our society that can spark your soul and provide you with that "magical" experience of love and wonder. I think it comes down to time, location, and circumstance. An intertwining moments of steps in life that leads you into the fantastical journey of devotion and affection.
 

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idgaf, "settling" is horribly cynical, and "soul mates" is hyper-romantic pablum. Let's just be people that sincerely desire and agree to spend life together or whatever, that already seems at the peak of any kind of romanticism I'd want to adopt, to the point that I get little pangs of painful-honesty in my chest from all the realistic and unguarded sincerity.
 

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idgaf, "settling" is horribly cynical, and "soul mates" is hyper-romantic pablum. Let's just be people that sincerely desire and agree to spend life together or whatever, that already seems at the peak of any kind of romanticism I'd want to adopt, to the point that I get little pangs of painful-honesty in my chest from all the realistic and unguarded sincerity.
Who would ever want to just "settle?" That makes it painful just to think about. :shocked:
 

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I kind of do believe in "the one", but not necessarily in the traditional sense.

There is a limited amount of people we will each meet in our life time, somewhat influenced by the decisions we make. Within that pool, there is a certain amount of people we would be willing to date based on character, attraction, values, etc giving or taking different criteria for what we want and what we are willing to settle for. Within that smaller pool, there is a limited amount of people who would be willing to date/marry us for various reasons. You can keep narrowing down the list until there is a small handful of people who you could basically date/marry and be happy with. Within that small handful, you're probably going to chose the person who you like the best or who likes you the best.

Looking at it that way I do believe there is basically a "right person for me;" however, whether or not I end up with them is still dependent on my decisions and their decisions.

I don't think it's reasonable to expect that I never get a job, live in my parents basement and never leave, eat ice cream all the time and never wash my hair or work on any of my character flaws, and yet somehow prince charming will come knocking on my door ready to unconditionally accept me and start a relationship with me.
 

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I'm definitely romantically idealistic. Completely in love with love. But I would never, ever expect someone to be perfect.

My first, and only pre-requisite of a relationship is to be able to utterly sense someone, to feel that connection somewhere in my soul. Do I believe in love at first sight? Not really. I believe in love at first words. I know for a fact that that exists, There have been people who I've met who I've just instantly experienced that electricity with. Who I've had weird premonitions about. With my first and only relationship, I knew from the second we met that something was different, and that that person was going to be a massive part of my life.

Usually for me it's the IXTJ's. I've only met two INTJ's ever, and in both instances they were in more of a mentoring role so the electricity was non-romantic. But my instinct is that I'll probably end up with an INTJ. My main relationship was with an ISTJ and though I was madly in love with him it was completely hideous. There was crazy chemistry but we were completely out of sync.

INTJ's though, there's always something there that's on another level. Sometimes when I'm with an INTJ I feel like we're the only types in the world who kind of get each other.
 

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I don't know, I have been through failures, and it seems, at present, that any relationship I do get in will just fail at this point. LOL. I just dont think I believe in any of it anymore, I just dont know.
 

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There is no such thing as a perfect person or perfect relationship. When I was younger, I do believe on the idea of soul mate but as I'm getting older, I no longer believe in such thing because human itself compromise with different character and attribute. For me, as long as you are able to get along and understand each other is more than enough but on the contrary, I rather be single then getting someone who doesn't get or understand you at all.
 

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It's a hard thing to explain.

I can't say if I believe it or not. I just want to meet a person I click with on deep and many levels. It won't be a seamless match; no such thing. But it'd be more soul stirring than dating a nice guy who doesn't excite me.

I guess I will only know when I meet that person.


I had tried the settling thing, again and again. I used to talk myself into believing that as long as guy is nice and responsible, I could get used to being in a committed relationship with him. Failed.Every.Time. When my heart wasn't in it, I wanted out, regardless how good a guy is in a worldly stand point.
 
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Here a few examples of how I've found myself to be in relationships.
I have never been madly, head over heels in love, and I wonder if I have the capability ie, have I just not met "the one"?
I have never seen myself getting married to anyone, even my current partner, who thankfully doesnt care about marriage.
I have an awful habit of getting sick of people, or the relationship :(
I have the most wonderful partner at the moment (3.5 years) we never argue, he does everything for me etc. But I can't help but wonder if he is the one I'm meant to be with. Life feels very mundane
I find it exceptionally hard to let go of past relationships, even when I hate the ex, i will dwell on how awful he was etc. I still think of my first love often.
I can be jealous depending on the trustworthiness of my current partner
I am ridiculously, childishly affectionate.
Can you guys relate? Especially about not wanting marriage (or kids for that matter), wondering if you are with the right person, never fallen madly in love??
 

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I have never been madly, head over heels in love, and I wonder if I have the capability ie, have I just not met "the one"?

Love is subjective. There is no "the one" unless you convince yourself that there is. Does this person have enough predictability to make me feel safe while being rock star enough to keep me excited? What percentage do you give those two extremes? Deal-breakers aside, consider instead whether what you get out of the relationship is sustainable if that percentage should change. If the answer is yes, perhaps that person could be the one. If you are yawning just thinking about it or have fear in your gut, then the answer is a definite no.

I have never seen myself getting married to anyone, even my current partner, who thankfully doesnt care about marriage.

He sounds like a nice rug. When you're done walking all over him, can I use him for a bit? Don't worry: he likes it.

I have an awful habit of getting sick of people, or the relationship :(

This sounds incredibly selfish. My wife suffered from this and choked through another ten years while I tried everything to keep the spark alive. In fact, it has been another four since then and we are still married, though separated. It's a loveless marriage, in each other's orbit, but unable to break free. She's not sick of me, but was. She doesn't want that to happen again and watch her best friend suffer heartbreak again. That's conceit talking, where believing that I would do things just the same after being hurt has become law in her mind. Let your partner know what's going wrong and offer a chance to change. Wait for it as long as you can and realize that you too must change to keep things alive. First and foremost: start thinking about their perspective and research similar scenarios.

I have the most wonderful partner at the moment (3.5 years) we never argue, he does everything for me etc. But I can't help but wonder if he is the one I'm meant to be with. Life feels very mundane


Mundane is as mundane does. Do something different and show him what you find exciting instead of waiting for it to happen.

I find it exceptionally hard to let go of past relationships, even when I hate the ex, i will dwell on how awful he was etc. I still think of my first love often.

The grass is always greener when time gels what we liked and disliked about the past into easy-to-grasp feelings. We dwell on it to remind ourselves what was good and bad, then compare it to our present and the possible future. It is the medicine we should be able to use to seek more good and avoid more bad. For people who spend too much time in judgement, however, those feelings are more like a drug, overly inflating good where little exists and sending you backpedaling against the bad trip your mind has constructed that was only a detour instead of a wrong turn.

Your first love is not who you still love. It is the potential you saw in another human being and it was unadulterated - until it was and ended. Still, that feeling of total trust and opportunity is never again present. "In every cynic is a disappointed idealist." - George Carlin

I can be jealous depending on the trustworthiness of my current partner

Follow your gut. Mine was right, even if the infidelity wasn't physical. If our partner is unfulfilled, they may look to fill that empty ache, so seek the cause of that emptiness and tend to it if you want a successful relationship. This could be anything from spending too much time online to vegging out on the couch to locking and hiding their phone to spending six hours "helping a friend." Try to nip that one in the bud!

I am ridiculously, childishly affectionate.

It may be overcompensation as a means to convince yourself not to leave what is going well. Maybe you could look up a way to show romantic gestures that are characteristically not how you would do it and try them out. Watch a few youtube videos and learn what smoldering eyes of intense lust and all-day teasing as foreplay can do for you.

Can you guys relate? Especially about not wanting marriage (or kids for that matter), wondering if you are with the right person, never fallen madly in love??

My wife wanted neither marriage, nor kids until she met me. "If it is going to happen, then this is the one," she thought. No regrets on birthing an amazing child after marriage and getting one with the marriage. She fell out of love after about six years. Still loved me, but wasn't "in love" anymore. Instead of working on it, she suffered through the loss of love and disappointment, then let her mind work Machiavellian bullshit into my every word for the next six years. For two years, we sussed it out and went through changes that amounted to her believing it was over and waiting for something magical instead of doing anything different when I thought we were finally understanding one another and building a new foundation for the next leg of our life's journey.

On vastly different seas, we split up.

I never wondered whether I was with the right person. I would not have married her otherwise. She wondered whether I was ever the right person and "blames love for making (her) stupid." So I suppose that's one tally mark for an INFJ who fell madly in love with an INFP.

I've been madly in love twice - first love and first marriage. Now I'm hoping to find someone who is not so cynical and wakes up happy to be alive. Maybe I'll be madly in love again. Until then I am going to make the world better for my kids and find some friends to care about and laugh with.
 

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I do feel like there is some mean to be in life.
I don't really believe in coïncidence, it is either plotted by someone, or orchestrated by something higher. Wether it is mother nature or god, I still doudt.

About love, I think that there are so many variable that determine the attraction between two being, so of course for me there are some people that I could consider Soulmates or likewise.

I believe in the physical body, which is constituted of atoms, and who by those, has an magnetic charge. I don't think we have all the same kind of charge; Because whether we grew up near the sea with a ground that is sand constituted or in a place where the place is cconstructed on a limestone ground the magnetic charge that surrounded us was different so it made us different on a certain level. So Just like two magnet either reject each other or stick together, I think that it is a basis of physical attraction just like the hormones we are producing, and how our microbiome affect the other person.
It is also the overall appearence.

I believe in the spririt, which for me is every memory we have and every things we know, it's kinda related to the personality. It is what we have aquired in our lifetime in knowledge... It's the "concrete abstract" if I may say so. It is what will make you stick to the person, if the person has a certain sense of humour that you appreciate or is a bright minded person, if that person has real fight for a cause she/he holds dear. It's there that some of the super pretty/handsome become just boring because they are dumb, mean... And on the other hand, it is also there that we find the charisma of medium people make them become top models in our eyes.

Then I believe in the soul, which is that part of you that will stay unchanged. It is the pureness, the weirdessness, the uniqueness. It is what I consider the ground of the spirit, it is something that you had since the moment you were. Your values, the basics of your essence. The vocation, the thing that if everthing else is erased you know you are or want to be That gut feeling, it comes from there, it just feels wrong and you can't explain? Just your soul saying to your sprit to stop doing things.

Quite complicated, but I coming to the point :playful:

So for me with all those various possibilities, the physical attraction really matters and some people are more specific on the overall of the thing. If we're talking about me :hands, smile, overall height/shape, should be a certain way.
Then someone curious, intelligent, funny that is not a total douchbag. Someone that can think by himself, and that I can have proper discussion with. Probably someone outgoing to conter balance the way I am, (also good at math and with good orientation sense:proud:). I don't want a pot smoker or a drug addict of anykind because of things that I went through as a kid.
Finally, the values should be the same exactly, or else I don't believe a relationship will survive three fights... So yeah soulmate I guess.

Then I don't feel like I will have a lot of relationship because, having these kind of relationship seems sacred to me... Not in a puritain way, in a connecting deeply with another person way more like...
 

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I don't believe in "the one" or a "soul mate", I'll settle for "someone".
“Settle” for someone or “Fall” for someone, same thing. I’m with you and my INFJ partner and I have discussed this. It’s a social and emotional spectrum that we both vibe on. It helps that we are both deeply emotional and intuitive and constantly blow each other’s minds with conversations that could last forever. We’re glad that we have each other and maybe it is an odd happenstance, but I’m objective enough to know there are many others we could be just as happy with.

The main concern that I see reflected on this thread is that we want to be accepted for who we are in the relationship. I think everyone shouldn’t “settle” for anything less and we should recognize each other’s superpowers.
 

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But if you are truly into said person then who cares about point z? If you are so concerned about point z then take them there yourself...Right? If I am so into this person, so mesmerized, so star struck, I could never think about any 'what ifs' down the road, I would be with this awesome person down the road and beyond. I don't understand this entire though process that takes you to a place that may never happen. Yet this person, is real, is happening. That is reality.
 

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I don't believe in fate, I don't think life is predetermined in any way, therefore, I don't believe in "the one" or "soul mates". You can call "soul mate" someone that you get along very well with, but that doesn't mean they are only one or that that was meant to happen.

There's no such thing as the perfect person. Find someone that you love, loves you back, have similar interests, can get along well with, has a good character, has things you admire about them, you also have to have things that are worth admiring, etc.

Do not settle for broken or toxic relationships that give you more misery than satisfaction. Were you feel dominated, weak, ignored, disrespected, used, the backup plan, etc. That relationship has no future. Don't allow people to disrespect you and stand up for yourself when necessary. Leave that relationship where you are disrespected or feel like the third wheel or there's nothing to look forward to.
 

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In my honest opinion, Perfection is Utopian concept and ideally never exist.

The so called "The ones" and "Soul mates" are also subjective.

If I see myself as being the type of person that can see from point A to point Z, and everything in between. Someone else may only see what's possible between point A and point T, and If I were to choose to enter a relationship with said person, does this mean that I'm settling because they can only see to point T?

Yes I am "Settling" if that is what makes sense, my context of settling here means that I am being considerate and accommodate of the person to see from point A to point T, and I would really be happy and grateful to God that my partner could see at least from point A to point T, I would certainly not have any expectations on my partner to see beyond point T to Z, and I definitely don't care about what others think about my partner. Why should I expect my partner to have openness to do something which they don't want to do or can't do? I will not impose my views, or advice my partner which is against their will. In doing so some may argue that the relationship may not be balanced, or one partner giving up to another. Relationships are never perfect, and you might not always receive the same amount of love, care and affection that you think you give, then what sustains the relationships - its the Compromises, Sacrifices which one is willing to make for the sake of other makes the relationship seem to be BEAUTIFUL, HARMONIOUS, PERFECT, and regard those individuals to be called "Soul mates" or "Made for each other".

My view of a satisfactory relationship

"The One" - No particular or stringent criteria to be "The One" happy with anyone who feels happy being around with me.

"Soul mates" - What my body needs could be different from what my soul needs, when I get someone with whom my needs of Soul is met.

"Idea of settling" - Try to be more considerate, and accommodate people, willing to acknowledge their flaws and accept them for who they are and Not for who I want them to be.
 
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