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I'm not sure if I believe in "soul mates" or "the one" anymore. Believing in the perfect mate can easily become a recipe for disillusion and part of me wonders if this is the reason why dissatisfaction in marriage is higher for INFJs. Sometimes we can fall in love with an idea or ideal and find ourselves disappointed when reality is different than what we expected.

I believe that anyone can learn to love someone else. I also believe that are certain people who are more compatible than others as a potential partner. It's important to know ourselves (what we want and need) but to set realistic standards. A lot of people don't know what they want or they get scared and settle for someone who is not right for them long-term.
 

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I'm not sure if I believe in "soul mates" or "the one" anymore. Believing in the perfect mate can easily become a recipe for disillusion and part of me wonders if this is the reason why dissatisfaction in marriage is higher for INFJs. Sometimes we can fall in love with an idea or ideal and find ourselves disappointed when reality is different than what we expected.

I believe that anyone can learn to love someone else. I also believe that are certain people who are more compatible than others as a potential partner. It's important to know ourselves (what we want and need) but to set realistic standards. A lot of people don't know what they want or they get scared and settle for someone who is not right for them long-term.
Haha, you and us both. INFPs can struggle with the same thing. I think it's important to realize that real love can love people through their faults and accept love from others in spite of the glaring faults they see with themselves that others may or may not see or care about. It's important to be realistic without settling at the same time. It can be a little tricky, but I think it's especially important for INFx's hearts. We need to realize that understanding a fault and loving past it can show degrees of love that are far greater than some are willing to give or receive. Nobody is perfect, but we strive.

In yearning for finding perfection in others, we should seek to cultivate it within ourselves.
 

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The girl I love, when I first met her she was just a very distant and uninteresting person to me. I didn't see much common ground at all with her, except that we had mutual friends, so I humored her, this was all primarily online. She saw me as a blunt, offensive, but mature guy who likewise had very little of interest for her to cling to. For about three years we were only passingly talking and then one day it was just the two of us online, and we decided to talk a bit more in depth.

Over the next 6 years we've grown closer and closer, despite having very little interest-wise in common. I'm now far closer to her than anyone else in my life, even my own immediate family, and am ever hopeful that some day soon things will progress beyond merely friends. Using her as a case study though, I now know that while my intuition is very good, I can't write someone off simply because there is no immediate spark.
 

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Is anything less than instantaneous attraction or "spark" considered settling or lowering one's standards? Please read the exerpt from my response from the other thread.
Yes :p

Here is what I ponder. I'm not sure it's so much about finding the "perfect" person for you but rather someone who cares enough to work at it.
Why work at it otherwise? Relationships are Hard. They're time consuming. Romantic feelings are different than feelings of friendship. If you're just feeling friendship feelings...than have a friendship. Re-define partnership if you decide to enter into one with a friend. Maintain your freedom. A lot of relationship "rules" were created to protect feelings that aren't present in a simple friendship anyway.

(Also, the person whom you feel a spark for is rarely the person you initially would think is "perfect" for you).

(Edit - also, I based my response more around the word spark and less around the word instantaneous, lol. Still though, if someone hangs around in your life without that initial spark, and without your trying to create one, than perhaps it's because there is a dormant one that you haven't discovered, yet can sense somehow subconsciously. Do I believe in Trying to create one though? No.)

Just my opinion :)
 

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Its not about finding perfection, its about finding respect, fostering a stable emotional base, and feeling safe enough to give a lot of love and be open to receiving it. Being highly efficient and independent, a relationship is something I consider an extra and worth entering only if there are no games and the person is developed to a point of self awareness.

I move on quickly after the start of a new relationship if one of the following becomes apparent.
1. They are not looking for a serious relationship
2. They are unreliable
3. Energetically unbalanced
4. I sense doubt
5. Maturity

Trustworthy, open hearted, balanced, giving, non-binding in trust and freedom in love is all I ask ;)

 

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I move on quickly after the start of a new relationship if one of the following becomes apparent.
1. They are not looking for a serious relationship
2. They are unreliable
3. Energetically unbalanced
4. I sense doubt
5. Maturity
This isn't at all an attack, and if it's too weird and personal for you, and you don't want to answer, I totally get it :)

What brought you to this checklist? Have you found yourself still attracted to it's opposite, on any level, at all?

Is it somewhat guarded from personal experience?
 

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This isn't at all an attack, and if it's too weird and personal for you, and you don't want to answer, I totally get it :)

What brought you to this checklist? Have you found yourself still attracted to it's opposite, on any level, at all?

Is it somewhat guarded from personal experience?
You know its funny, I hadn't made the list until I responded to this thread. I can still be fascinated by people at its opposite but the romantic emotional aspect is removed. I'm more observing their thought process at that point.

Relationships take a great deal of energy. When one begins I dream of all the things I'd like to do and then set about happily doing them. Finding someone who accepts and stimulates me on all levels gets me pretty revved up.
At this point my life I'm looking for a life partner, someone who has goals and is working towards them, at whatever stage, and is cool working alongside me towards their fruition.

As for past experiences which may have led to my being guarded, I think the lesson my parents came here to give me was 'do not rely on people'. I disagree and am set to break my preconceived perceptions of what to expect from a relationship. No more abuse. No more neglect.

Also, the opposite thing made me think of something called shadow work. The idea that by confronting sources of resistance you can find a temperate medium. I do feel I have an even approach at genuine mistakes, forgetfulness etc. and readily forgive things that I myself am certainly capable of. At a certain point each person has to make out the blurry line in the sand.

So much in this culture is disposable. People are happy to replace and replace for the new. I don't consider people disposable. Its when I feel I am that I disengage.
 

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Also, the opposite thing made me think of something called shadow work. The idea that by confronting sources of resistance you can find a temperate medium. I do feel I have an even approach at genuine mistakes, forgetfulness etc. and readily forgive things that I myself am certainly capable of. At a certain point each person has to make out the blurry line in the sand.
Super cool :)

I feel like I'm the same way, and I realize that I've probably hoped that others have felt the same towards me when I've made realizations, seeing their perspective, that have caused me to understand my true nature better. We all want your checklist, and it's awesome that you were so honest about what brought you to it :) Some people have it, yet are not honest. You gotta have that in place for yourself though to attract it. Then, that attraction will likely be something other than what you expected, that you have to dig at. It's all a never-ending, confusing mess, lol.
 

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I think that what the thread title calls as "the one" or "soulmate" is actually more like "twin flame" or "twin soul"? Twin flames/souls are our souls' other half, while soulmates are more like people with whom we are deeply touched and transformed.

As for the thread's question... What I see is that in this world, each person is more or less unique, and then we can find people with whom we are very compatible and people with whom we are not compatible at all. But I see them as many different "plug-in" stuffs, and then we meet others by chance, and our compatibility and how much we connect depends on us.

As an INFJ, I also had a very idealized way of seeing relationships and soulmates. What happened is that I met my husband who is an ISTJ, and thought he broke my unrealistic expectations, he actually taught me a precious lesson about relationships.
He was not like what I expected. He would never really get my NF musings. I do feel this lack of connection through my deepest chore and emotional nature. But then I came to love him, I came to have this strong affection for him, and I came to realize that our relationship is precious to me and that it makes me happy.

So what if he's not completely like what I idealized? Should I throw all these precious feelings and our relationship away, so that I can still have a chance to meet a perfect one? Maybe I can meet a perfect one, maybe I cannot. But then our relationship and our feelings for each other are real. He is my life mate.
It is not exactly the ideal that matters - it's the people we come to fall in love and the relationships we come to have.
I have a friend who is INFJ and that we both had feelings for each other before. Maybe I could have ended my relationsip with my husband back then so I could be with this INFJ with whom I shared some understandings of each other, but then I love my husband and he's the one I want to be with.
Also, by time I came to realize that me and my husband, despite some differences as me being a complex artistic type and him being simpler, we are actually quite alike in our beliefs, interests, values and lifestyle.

My husband is not the deep and complex type like me, he might not understand my inner chore. But I came to love his sensitivity, him melting when seeing cute animals, him acting like a silly big kid when he's playing with them, him genuinely and selflessly putting other people first and caring for them, him making evil but funny jokes, his simplicity and honesty... And the fond memories we built by time, and the life we have together.
Our relationship was rocky at the beginning, but our feelings for each other motivated us to solve it together. We still have some rocky parts, but we came to understand each other much better. He might not be an empathetic supporter, but he tries to be better and then he also accepts my uglier sides. I have friends that could understand me easier, but then they actually understand me less and are not as accepting compared to my husband.
 

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I think that what the thread title calls as "the one" or "soulmate" is actually more like "twin flame" or "twin soul"? Twin flames/souls are our souls' other half, while soulmates are more like people with whom we are deeply touched and transformed.

Yes and your twin is a reflection of yourself, mirroring your traits in opposites, for the total experience of acceptance. A life mate is not about being 'like yourself'. How boring!

Soulmates are here to teach us the hardest lessons. Often abandonment, rejection, abuse and control stem from past lives. Twin Flames come with no Karma, no power issues, no hate. Love is living in unison towards each other greatest good while cherishing who the other is in their entirety. Wanting to change someone is wanting control, the mask of power struggles and ultimately rejection.

I just finished this fantastic book called Karmic Connections by Judy Hall. Highly Recommended. A dissertation on astrology, soul mates, karmic patterns and how to break them, made it an overall enlightening and healing experience. For anyone wanting to understand more about relationship patterns and move beyond them. The ultimate relationship is with yourself.
 

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I believe there is such thing as the 'perfect partner', and that it's a completely ridiculous notion that anyone should be able to find such a match within their allotted lifetime. That's not to say that we're incapable of loving someone who's a less than perfect match, and settling for second best wouldn't necessarily lead to an unfulfilling relationship. I'd say upward of 99% of people do this, and they all seem perfectly happy. They'll never know what a truly 'perfect relationship' is - but then, they probably have no such desire to experience one; their current relationship is probably already perfect in their own eyes.

As for me, I think i'll just continue on clinging to my ideals until I either find what i'm looking for, or bump into someone who makes me want to discard my ideals and then take up new ones, because it turns out they're ten times better.
 

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I really liked your opening post, waterviolet.

The idea of the existence of (for lack of a better word) "magic" connection between two people may very well be the ultimate fantasy for any INFJ simply because there it touches the innermost desire of us all.

Furthermore, I find the idea of not exactly having a "soul mate", but being able to find someone who is able and willing (and I can't stress enough how important the latter is) to bend and tear in the process of becoming the one for you - is simply beautiful.

And precisely there lies the intriguing conflict between the logical rationalist and the dreaming idealist in me. Simply put - I'd like both to be true! ... That soul mates exist AND that people are so wonderful and flexible to conform one to another.

At the end, I'd like to suggest another view on the topic - regarding the original question itself: perhaps the question could be more something like this: "If we are here - on this world - to find and share love, isn't anyone we're able to love and loves us back 'the one'"?
 

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I view soulmates or your "other half" more as a best friend. I think it's really difficult to find your perfect match in a world with so many people, close to it is good enough.
 

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I am a romantic, but I do not believe in the 'perfect match' or soul mate. I believe in timing and connection. Even though I strive for perfection, I know perfection is an impossible task and I have to remind myself of that daily. This goes for seeking perfection in relationships as well. Nothing will ever be perfect.
 

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Both of my friends have found it seems "soul-mate" matches. I think it depends on if a person is doing spiritual work or not. If a person isn't they may not draw their ideal partner. I'll be attending a wedding in July! It seems that I'll never find the "one". I think imagining it, and meeting great people who don't like me, just make things worse ): Ah well, another thing I learn as I get older is that love isn't for everyone!
 

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Consider this: All my life I knew in my hear of hearts I'd meet my destined true love. That he'd find me again. Well he did.
All these years I was justified to an extent in criticizing the glaring misconduct of my previous mates and looked pretty mature and wise in comparison. Then I meet someone who is always encouraging and just wants the best for me and never says a bad thing about me and I start to see where I stumble, where my erratic feelings and bad sense of self worth have skewed things in the past and where I'm trying to sabotage myself now. How I howl in the night for no reason. It's really painful to see all that. Ultimately for the best but lord is it embarrassing. Lol.
 

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Vanishing Point

Wow your post is a Jewel. I shed a tear. It seems like I'm posting only misery but I'm actually upset not at the person I recently cared for. I'm more upset at myself. He was caring towards me, but I self sabotaged and I hate myself because I saw that I'll never be good enough for someone like him. He was so good to me, I didn't know what to do with myself. I don't believe I deserve good things. And I can't really live up to a man's expectations anyhow. My own stuff is causing sadness. I'm happy for you that you have found "the one". Thanks for sharing.
 

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Vanishing Point

Wow your post is a Jewel. I shed a tear. It seems like I'm posting only misery but I'm actually upset not at the person I recently cared for. I'm more upset at myself. He was caring towards me, but I self sabotaged and I hate myself because I saw that I'll never be good enough for someone like him. He was so good to me, I didn't know what to do with myself. I don't believe I deserve good things. And I can't really live up to a man's expectations anyhow. My own stuff is causing sadness. I'm happy for you that you have found "the one". Thanks for sharing.
Oh no... Don't be hard on yourself! Truth be told you don't need to live up to anything. That's what special about love. It just is and can come when ever. When I met my husband I'd broken up with my ex, I was penniless and living on my (ENTJ to the rescue!) friend's sofa! I'd given up my job and struggled to find train money to go to my non prestigious art school to study for a degree which ranks a bit higher than toilet paper on the job market. I had nothing people put on those lists of what a person should work on to be ready for a relationship. Well I didn't really want one for the first time in my life. Point is when the time is ripe things will fall into place. Despite how "unperfected" we are. My dad was in his forties, with a very bad alcohol problem, nearly on the streets and he found a partner: His old love who had travelled half way across the world years ago had returned to find him. It doesn't always happen in the way we expected. I know I sound a bit naff and possibly spacey but I genuinely believe that if you keep open to it a redeeming experience of love will come, eventually. It's not something anyone has to qualify for because it's a birthright. It's just the right pieces clicking. Sometimes the experience comes from within and that's good too. If we seek it it will. I have problems with self appreciation and it's something I'm working on. Trying to be kind to myself. Sometimes we externalize someone to reject us if we fee like we deserve it. It's just odd being accepted, as is, major depression and quirky character and all. My first love was also a very very nice guy but I couldn't handle it back then. It did start me on a road to try to find love and self worth so it was meaningful though it didn't work out for us. I was devastated at the time though. That relationship I had a hard time getting involved into 100% because I intuitively felt it was not going to work out for reasons I could not find words for. I beat myself up about it afterwards for years though. In retrospect I know I was right.
I don't know...things happen for a reason, but don't think it's because there's something wrong with you. Anymore than there's something wrong with everyone. Everyone is a bit broken. We're all in the same boat. It may be that it's just not the right time but that it will be your and the right person's time to meet in future. :)
 
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