Although I’ve cut him out of my life I still feel as if I carry a part of him with me. It’s been two months and I don’t believe a single day has passed where I haven’t thought of him. I cycle through periods of acknowledging the abuse as truth and periods of crippling self-doubt. I manage to convince myself that I was the abuser and he, the victim and vice versa. Narcissism is a difficult concept to grasp and hold onto when you’ve been completely brainwashed by covert manipulation for 3 years. After the first step I took in getting rid of him I was only able to hold onto the idea as truth for 24 hours. I panicked that night, thinking it was all a delusion, while fighting the urge to re-contact him and apologize for asking for some space. I quit my job the next day, (we were coworkers) having convinced myself on the ride there that he might kill me with his car. It occurred to me that the ditch he’d driven us into with miraculous control not a week before was directly beneath a cemetery sign. My gut was screaming at me as it had been ignored for so long and I decided I needed out regardless of whether this was a coincidence. By the end of that day I had totally broken down thinking I’d made a horrible mistake in quitting. I lost my identity and my livelihood to him and I was left with nothing. The cycles grow longer and fewer in between as time passes but I still feel this chronic impulse to hide away forever knowing he is still out there. I don’t know if I can trust anyone with my empathy again.