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I find that no matter how hard I try to become interested in healthy, nice guys, I am only really interested in the ones who seem dangerous.

My friend describes the guys I like as "edgy".

I have mulled over this for a long time, as obviously it's very difficult to have a sane, healthy, long-term relationship with a dangerous sort of guy... and maybe I'm just destined to be made unhappy in love after all.

I would really love to hear from other INFJ women on this topic.
 

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From what I've been able to experience firsthand, edgy or otherwise dangerous people are usually attracted to a softer, calmer temperament because they seek to be understood. They can candidly discuss what they'd like and are not immediately persecuted if they choose to stay silent.
However, in one particular experience I had with a friend (though I adjusted to his sporadic, detached communication, chiding sense of humor and his slapdash "hang out" style) he was one-dimensional and used me to provide some sort of challenge or intellectual stimulation (which his others friends didn't provide). There was frequent undermining of my thoughts, exhausting challenges, etc. which he found to be normal. I eventually reacted in kind. He acted and spoke without thought; he also decided he had a "selective memory" so every offense I might remember, he conveniently forgot. Many times, I'd meet with him after months without receiving a text and it would sound like he were re-introducing himself.
"Hey sorry, I don't know if I told you, but I'm awful with being on time." The last time I saw him, I told him, "You've told me that three times."

The longer you ignore your own intuitions about a person, the more they move in and begin to dominate, or even worse, control the dynamic through behavior which will most likely express a perpetual noncommittal attitude both toward defining the friendship (or whatever connection you may have) or worse yet, to personal change.
I wouldn't say I'm attracted to dangerous men, but I've had my experiences with a jaded individual. There was a psychological co-dependence that ensued, the longer I allowed the sad excuse for a friendship to continue.
I sought a deeper understanding, to jar me into reality about the role I'd assumed.
This is what I think happens: The person in the role of counselor/adviser makes it a personal mission (almost sacred) to get the other person to adopt softer qualities, to reveal a depth that perhaps the other person has not delved into on their own and therefore, seemingly requires help.
Meanwhile, the other person can sit back on their haunches and play at fitting the counselor/helper's ideal, because the counselor/helper's sense of self-belief is incredibly strong and inspiring. The counselor/adviser may even go so far as to think they are this individual's sign post to their inner light.
Intentions may be pure, but come off it: The anxiety you feel is not excitement, butterflies or the jitters of love--those are the first signs of uneasiness and hesitation because you are around a person who is largely made of sharp edges: they will eventually hurt to know, but you blind yourself to this until a perceived unforgivable offense happens.
A dangerous individual to me is someone who purposely keeps going around in circles, to possess your attention and that sense of devotion that you have to the cause of providing them with your insights, hoping they'll change, offer their depth, thank you for your help and eventually reward you with the pursuit of a true, healthy relationship.
Beware not just of manipulative individuals but of self-delusion.
Have you ever read "A Ring of Endless Light" by Madeleine L'Engle? The grandfather of the main character tells his granddaughter (in answer to a self-destructive friend she has feelings for, but whose judgment she simply cannot believe in): "There is a sense of vanity in goodness."
They are a learning curve, in any case: impetuous, risky, unpredictable individuals.
But, someone looking to preserve self-love and achieve a high quality to their life, will eventually have to leave others to their own devices, their own journey.
I personally feel a strong duty to people, especially when I know they have potential; however, I also know that though I may nurture in someone a sense of self-respect, self-love and determination, those feelings already have to exist in the person and they have to accept them.
Romance isn't even an option, if the person is not complete.
And this is where the dilemma begins for us, helpers, advisers, loyalists, etc.
You have to know when to draw the line, for your own sake.
 

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omg.

Ok, first off, I want to tell you that I mentioned "A Ring of Endless Light" to my daughter this afternoon. Just a few hours ago. I told her that I loved the book when I was her age, and when I read it again, years later, I'd realized how much it had shaped my spiritual views.

How cool that you mentioned it.

There is so much to what you wrote. Really, that hit me on several levels.

There is more I want to say (or ask) but it feels too personal to put here... Really, you hit home with a lot of this. Thank you.
 

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omg.

Ok, first off, I want to tell you that I mentioned "A Ring of Endless Light" to my daughter this afternoon. Just a few hours ago. I told her that I loved the book when I was her age, and when I read it again, years later, I'd realized how much it had shaped my spiritual views.

How cool that you mentioned it.

There is so much to what you wrote. Really, that hit me on several levels.

There is more I want to say (or ask) but it feels too personal to put here... Really, you hit home with a lot of this. Thank you.
You're very welcome! That book was incredibly eye-opening for me as well. Feel free to send me a PM if you have questions and thank you for posting this topic; I find it's very important! :D
 

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"Because in reality, when you get a dangerous man, you're on an episode of "Cops" in a tube top hanging out a trailer door going, 'Lock his ass up! Lock his ass up!' " -Jeff Foxworthy

:laughing: Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

In theory, sure, a dangerous, edgy kind of guy is attractive. Who doesn't like the anti-hero?

However, in reality, I would rather date a nice guy who isn't psychologically damaged beyond imminent repair, thanks.
 

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Honestly Ladies.....for 'dangerous' I think you mean good looking and attractive. I have heard this so many times.

A cousin of mine was talking about splitting up with a boyfriend because he didn't give her a sense of 'danger'........I suggested she find herself an axe murderer! What she really meant was she wasn't attracted to him on a 'gut' level - and when we got right down to it, it was physical. It always is.

Here's what to do. The guy is edgy, challenging, you think HE wants to be understood? Try and observe him around OTHER MEN......when he doesn't know you are there. THAT is how he will behave around you, sooner or later. It isn't usually very pretty.

Dangerous men? Bollocks!
 

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I find that no matter how hard I try to become interested in healthy, nice guys, I am only really interested in the ones who seem dangerous.

My friend describes the guys I like as "edgy".

I have mulled over this for a long time, as obviously it's very difficult to have a sane, healthy, long-term relationship with a dangerous sort of guy... and maybe I'm just destined to be made unhappy in love after all.

I would really love to hear from other INFJ women on this topic.
You just want ESTP's. They're actually incredibly safe to be around. Your friend is probably just jealous that you get all the hot guys.
 

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Don't think like that, OP! There's someone for everyone :)

Hm...I can't say I'm into 'dangerous' guys....they honestly freak me out. I've always had a thing for scrawny, long-haired nerds.

Or 'underdogs' in general, I guess you could say.
 

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I'm embarrassed to really admit this, but YES. 100% attracted to the "bad boy," the "dangerous" ones....
My husband was the dangerous off-limits type, and I fell head over heels for him. Lucky for me it turned out to be a phase, and I actually got a very nice and responsible man to spend the rest of my life with. :)

But seriously, I'm like a puppy dog for a really bad guy. Tats, chains, low-riding pants...geez. Seriously, gangsters are some of the most attractive people to me.
What's funny is that, if you knew me, you would be rolling on the floor laughing at me right now.
None of those guys take a second look at me, because I am so....oh, I don't know. Suburban? :)
 

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Uh, I was always turned off by the bad guys, in a way that I couldn't even be around them, they would irritate me on so many levels...
Once I was attracted to a guy who seemed to be nice, but I felt sth wasn't right and when he eventually showed his real side I got the feeling of a loathing, it's that extreme with me...

Since I was a little girl I have only liked what you would call nice guys...
I can relate to them, I guess....
There is nothing attractive to me in feeling intimidated by someone, I love feeling safe and at ease...
Yeah, nice guys all the way... :D
 

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O yes bad boys >.>

Always makes me laugh, I've always disliked them. They always act like tough shit but rarely are, and those who are, are worse for it. Don't know how selfishness is attractive but it seems to be to some people, well to be fair they are attracted to the confidence, which I think is the case for those who have posted here. Just find someone confident who isn't selfish.



To each their own, I'm happy with my kind independent free thinker. Good luck to you all on your journeys.
 
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Nah... I need the good guy with a sense of humour who doesn't make a fuss over himself. I never know what to do with the bad boys. I mean, where do you go on dates? what ever do you talk about? what happens when he hates the world, and you want to just stay home and watch a romantic comedy?
 

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I completely understand. I think it's partially the INFJ-ness but partially astrological signs and stuff like that. If you're strong in fire and air signs you might feel bored by guys who seem too regular. But if you're stronger in the earth signs you might like that stability, although you will probably still crave a little something that's different. I find that though I'm an Aries and I don't like to be bored, I'm strong in Taurus because of my moon and Asc. This makes me like guys who are INTJ-like. Their smart, stoic, stable style attracts me and because they are so different than I am, trying to understand them is a journey within itself. I can see most of the "bad boy" types are not my cup of tea. I can't keep up with them and I usually don't attract them to me anyway. I always seem to attract guys who want serious relationships and are called "weird" or "awkward" by my friends. -_-'

But for you, I think you crave edginess but instead of looking for it in guys, just do it yourself. Go out there and do all of the crazy or not so crazy things you've always wanted to do. Just being you and enjoying yourself will attract a guy who's perfect for you, and he can be a healthy-for-you type of guy.
 
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