Personality Cafe banner

INFJs and BDSM

7K views 50 replies 22 participants last post by  Giga Blender 
#1 ·
So this idea has been in my head for some time. I have control issues, I'm a very unhealthy INFJ in that regard. I had a rough childhood and that lead me to developing stronger T while suppressing F as much as I could to control everything to protect myself. Until the past few years I tested INTJ in fact which is actually fairly common I've found in male INFJs, either from situations like what I endured, or from the social stigma for men to not be as emotional or more so than women. But nonetheless the core problem is control. I simply cannot bring myself to let go, even when someone else is taking the lead I have a strong tendency to "top from the bottom" and suggest or explain things in a way that directs the person in charge. To a degree this is also a trust issue, not trusting in another to have everyone's best interests in mind, and the fear of having my sensitive nature abused as well. I finally caved in after years of being unable to talk to anyone about my problems though and trusted in an ENFP friend of mine. She has always been a tremendously helpful and understanding person and she confirmed a lot of what I had been thinking; I had control issues, I needed to learn to take more risks, I needed to trust in others, I needed to embrace my nature and let go.

So I took her advice and did what I had only toyed with as a thought experiment, and admittedly as a fantasy. I'm a lurker on Fetlife, have been for quite a while, but with newfound confidence I contacted a domme who lived nearby that I had been keeping tabs on and had a few discussions with in various groups. Being so used to all my plans falling through you can imagine my surprise when she replied back asking to kik. We chatted for a few days and decided to meet yesterday. Words cannot describe how much I was trembling at the thought of meeting this woman, I seriously wasn't sure if I was going to be able to even make it to the store we met at, and we weren't even jumping into anything BDSM related, just talking, feeling each other out.

After yesterday I am definitely tremendously confident that she is very empathetic and understands my issues, we talked for a good three hours (and did a thing or two other than talking), and when she had to go she texted me that she really loved just spending time with me and my friends. I just can't put into words how much good I feel she is doing for me. I'm definitely going to be going for a swim in these new waters to explore myself and hopefully improve my life with my mistress. She makes me embrace who I am and above all she pushes me to be confident in that, to own my nature and be proud of it, and make her happy too of course. She knows as well as I do that all I want is to see her smile for me. For me this is as much therapy as it is a lifestyle.

So I'm curious if other INFJs, or what other personalities, find themselves to be submissive and drifting towards or considering the BDSM lifestyle. What is your opinion on the dynamic of true BDSM, not just as a fetish (we all know it's hot)? If you're a dominant personality though feel free to respond as well, I'm curious what doms and dommes get out of the exchange. I'm not entirely sure on my mistress' personality but I know she cares a lot about changing people for the better and there's only one other person I know like that and that is an ENFP.
 
See less See more
#2 ·
I'm considering it, and a very good friend is trying to get me into it. I've subbed exactly once, and I didn't find it to be exactly my cup of tea, but it was good nonetheless. Seems like I'd be able to do it were I in exactly the right mood. I am unlikely to be able to effectively dominate anyone until I get over my strong negative reaction to causing pain and humiliation.

As a lifestyle... I couldn't do it.
 
#3 ·
I think it's very healthy to experience the feelings we crave in the bedroom rather than seeking out shitty relationships. I tend to seek a lot of reassurance if I'm deeply involved with someone, and from my experience, I think I just need a person who can swith but who can give me that dominant feedback - so I'm not sitting there anxious without reassurance. This might sound twisted for some but think about it. If I have issues where I'm over thinking, I just need a more intense feedback than most and actually, I personally feel from things I've read, experience and opinion, that it's healthy to seek out that feedback sexually rather than outside of the bedroom.

I do not believe any power exchange stuff should leave the bedroom, nor would I want it to be the only type of sex enjoyed. not that I'm able to enjoy it. I never get that far. I have a REALLY hard time putting myself out there in that community as a submissive or switch, let alone at all, because I find most people to be crazy. And actually, I found myself trying to counsel everybody :tongue: so I never get anywhere. lol!
 
#5 ·
(we all know it's hot)?
Uh I think thats pretty subjective. I am seriously not offended by it and enjoy listening to people talk about it (as its kind of entertaining from social science type of study way). But really thats not really my flavor in the bedroom. I never said I was vanilla. But I am not into BDSM. No pun at all. I just wanted to say it really is a subjective fetish. No its not uncommon. But its not for everyone either. I just don't get off to that style.
 
#6 ·
I don't think any one type is into (or not into) sexual fetishism/BDSM, it's a matter of personal tastes, which I suspect are driven more by our own unique experiences and temperaments, more than just the four traits of your MBTI type. As others have stated, it's a subjective thing.
 
#24 ·
there are for sure mbti types which are more likely to be into bdsm. And types less.

There are VERY few SJ's. Lots of NF's. NT women are VERY well represented. A few SP's.

I've done polls, and others have also.
 
#7 ·
Seriously if you feel comfortable physically hurting a woman you’re a worthless sack of dung. I don’t care if she “consented” to it. I don’t care if she “enjoys” it. I don’t fucking care.
I do not understand how some people cannot grasp the fact that YES YOU CAN HURT PEOPLE WITH YOUR PERSONAL CHOICES. Like participating in bdsm CAN AND DOES forward the oppression of all women everywhere! It doesn’t matter if it’s all consensual because the center of bdsm says that women are supposed to be subservient and submissive! And it just reaffirms the misogynistic tendencies that are already ingrained your partners brains. And YES that does affect everyone, whether or not you choose to acknowledge it.
also, stop painting sex as liberation, sex is not a universal want or need, it is not the form of my liberation from anything
And to add some quotes: The s/m concept of “vanilla” sex is sex devoid of passion. They are saying that there can be no passion without unequal power. That feels very sad and lonely to me, and destructive. The linkage of passion to dominance/subordination is the prototype of the heterosexual image of male-female relationships, one which justifies pornography. Women are supposed to love being brutalized. This is also the prototypical justification of all relationships of oppression—that the subordinate one who is “different” enjoys the inferior position.
 
#8 ·
I am very submissive by nature and have been in and out of the lifestyle over 15 years. I've never lived as a full-time submissive, nor would I want to. I do enjoy the security I feel in a relationship with a dom though and making him happy by doing the things he likes. Relinquishing control in (and out to a degree) of the bedroom is such a liberating experience and I find it takes the relationship to a different level because of the amount of trust required to fully submit.
I don't want that to be the only flavor in my sex buffet, but I've come to realize it is important enough that I won't enter into another relationship without some degree of that dynamic.
 
#12 · (Edited)
@tanstaafl28
I cant think of any good words know, but my friend has some good sources on her tumblr that basically explain my pov
(this is her tumblr)
i built a levee of the stars
This assumes that all BDSM is about male on female violence. I assure you this is not the case. The truth is that some men and women get sexual satisfaction from pain just as if it were pleasure. They tend to like role-play and the consensual/healthy ones all have "safewords" to keep things from going too far. It isn't one-way: women can be just as active in the inflicting of pain as men. Also some men prefer to be submissive and let the women be the dominant.
 
#14 ·
I am trying to explain the sub-culture in a non-threatening way for those who do not understand it, as far as I understand it. My only real experience with pain & pleasure during sex experience with this was smacking my head hard on a metal headboard at the same time as I was experiencing orgasm.
 
#17 ·
I think regardless of what aspect you choose to engage in: the b/d or s/m or the D/s ... It's about trust. It's intensely intimate and deepens a bond from an experience that increased each parties trust - like those dorky games you had to play at camp where you have to fall backwards and let another camper catch you (I always hated those :p). Lol!

But i think to it like that., and it by no means impedes a couples capacity to be passionate in their vanilla life(sex), on the contrary, I imagine it would increase respectful passion in other areas of the persons life.
 
#18 ·
What I like about BDSM is that it allows me to show specific sides of myself that I purposely suppress, and in a consensually (and mutually pleasurable) way. I have a natural inclination to be controlling. I have very firm views that I subconsciously want people to fall in line with without question. However, my urge to control others goes against my staunch belief that every individual has the right to freely determine the course of their own lives.

What BDSM allows me to do is exercise my commanding side. I can and will give orders, and expect them to be followed (only in the bedroom, and only when BDSM is being practiced). Though I really want my partner to disregard my orders, because then I'd be able to bind their hands, or lay their body across my knee and discipline them with the unyielding intensity of a dictator. A compatible partner will naturally be defiant, but yet fully desirous of being punished by me for their insolence. She/he will lust for the sweet pain of my hand or whip. And hopefully they'd be okay with performing the same type of things on me lol.
 
#19 ·
Only so much about the ridiculous assumptions made by those who very obviously don't have a clue what BDSM is, and who also seem to think that all BDSM is S&M, has to involve pain etc:
Many "vanilla couples" pretty regularly do things that can be considered BD or D/s (some even border on SM behaviour) but say at the same time they're "not into BDSM at the slightest". That's how stupid it really is, not to mention that it really has nothing to do with misogyny (btw, well done for avoiding the question about female dommes so eloquently by just pointing to a random tumblr. Much easier of course).
Misinformation never empowered anyone, no matter if it's brought forward by men or women.

To the OP:
I am INFJ and dominant, but I doubt this has anything to do with MBTI/cognitive function. It's simply a sexual preference for me, it's not 24/7 and has no place outside the bedroom. I stand on my own two feet in "real life" nevertheless, and have always done so.
I am not a lifestyler (although I used to date one many, many years ago), and I also never actively sought out a partner who shares my sexual preferences. The scene has always been a place I like to avoid, because there are (both male and female) predators out there, in much the same way you find them in the "vanilla" scene, and both can get dangerous. It's simply not my cup of tea, but I don't have problems with anyone who enjoys it.

I never liked the idea of being reduced to just that part of me either. For longterm relationships, the emotional connection has always been more important, and the rest develops a dynamic of its own (sexual compatibility does of course play a part in it, but I also had partners without a sexually submissive bone in their bodies, and that was never the reason why a relationships didn't last). None of my longterm relationships have developed based on kink. We met like everyone else.

I was never into inflicting extreme pain or humiliating someone, so the S&M part is pretty much out for me. I mainly enjoy D/s and light bondage/discipline, but I can also have "vanilla" sex. I can switch, but I need to trust someone deeply to submit. I've been with my current partner for nearly 10 years, and whilst there's a definite sexual dynamic, it's not the be all, end all. And before the radical feminists get their knickers in a twist: No, he's not an "alpha-male" outside the bedroom who can only get his kicks through role reversal during sex.

Having said all of this: Sexual gratification alone is not satisfying for me longterm, no matter if through casual "vanilla" sex/relationships (and I went through that as well) or play parties/clubs (which I always avoided like the plague). I need to be in a real, trustful and committed relationship. If that's the case, whatever is supposed to happen will happen anyway. It's a thing between two people, the dynamics are yours, and yours alone.

@Giga Blender: I am not sure if whatever you're seeking will be a cure for what you perceive as "unhealthy" about yourself (control issues, fear of letting go etc). I can only speak for myself, but my sexuality has only really developed positively after I had fought my other demons. I don't want to say what you're thinking of cannot help, but I'd personally be wary to see it as some kind of psychotherapy.
Be safe, emotionally and physically, and take it slowly.
 
#22 ·
Wow, I actually wandered into this forum expecting that I would have to create a thread on INFJs and BDSM.. and this magically appeared.

I'm a sub, and strangely enough, pretty much ever since I was a kid, the idea always turned me on (I don't know how strange it is for a little kid to have sexual feelings?).

The strange thing though, is that I also grew up around a lot of very real physical and mental abuse and control. None of that ever appealed to me, of course, but I wonder if there is a connection...
 
#23 ·
My situation as a child was one of constant uprooting and moving which devastated my feelings because I was always losing every friend I ever made. It made me shut down very very early, developing a controlling persona to protect myself from any harm. As far as sexual interest, well, when I was 12 I found my aunt's collection of kink magazines, namely a series called Variations which was mostly reader-submitted fetish stories, and that intrigued me. But as I've said before for me BDSM isn't about the sex, really. It is the psychological power play which really excites me, and having a domme who understands me and pushes me outside of scenes to just be comfortable with myself and enjoy my life.

I'm still naturally hyper aware of everything she may require me to do and vigilant for any signs that she might abuse or hurt me but so far every day we talk and talk and talk about everything, vanilla to kink. Communication is essential to me in any relationship and I was extremely pleased to find that she felt the same way and would do nothing without extensive debate and negotiation. The psychological impact of just having someone who is so confident and has that aura of trustworthy power has been greatly improving my stress levels.
 
#25 ·
The Dom I am - Blogs - PersonalityCafe

To the OP, fetlife seems to be the site to hang out on for kinkier people.

I have run into a LOT of INFJ's, quite a few ENFJ's over there, but I'm also interested in a lot of the things they are interested in.

FWIW, I'm headed away from Dom. I have fun playing Dom in scenes, but don't want a relationship with a special lady where I have to be Dom very often, if ever.

My wants coincide with my Sx stacking. I NEED variety, but variety can easily happen with a creative, dynamic lady in any number of ways, and in a perfect world, she will happily come up with some of the creativity.
 
#26 ·
I've played with BDSM on and off for years. Since we're talking about INFJs, my ex was one. He was primarily dominant and very experienced, but he was also a phenomenal switch. My INFJ best friend is also dominant but enjoys switching. I would never be into it full-time D/S relationship. Unthinkable lol. But yeah, I do enjoy the scene and the lifestyle without being some kind of pretentious 'purist'. I enjoy so-called 'vanilla' sex as well. Variety keeps it all fun. ;)
 
#30 ·
they call that voyeur.

kinky. and fun.
 
#32 ·
I'm definitely being careful, "sub frenzy" as its called is a serious concern for any submissive, the overwhelming desire to trust and delve too deep too quick when new to things. She's been into BDSM for more than 5 years and is a switch herself so she knows what I'm feeling and constantly reassures me, telling me to be patient and trust her to choose when to take me deeper. I talked with her yesterday about what all we expected to get from each other and a big part of what she liked about our relationship was that it is helping me to improve my quality of life. A good discussion I came across on Fetlife was discussing what submission means to you; is it about safety and security, sex, or what? For me it is first and foremost about achieving gratification knowing that I've pleased someone, no matter how simple or complex the task (a habit which extends far beyond BDSM and is why I'm the #1 auditor in the district I work in). Second comes security, but not just feeling secure with her, secure within myself.
 
#33 ·
I know this thread is a tad old, however I must make my comments. This has always been a point of interest to me, as every other INFJ I know (2 others) are submissive. I'm not entirely sure if it's simply how our minds work, or if it is due to our environments. All I know, is when I personally am being dominated, I feel right at home. I feel as though thats where I am suppose to be. As a lifestyle? It's not really that big of an issue lifestyle wise. If thats how it ends up, then I can do it. If not, then I can do that as well. It really fascinates me how all INFJ's I know are submissive though, I'd love to look further into this topic! :)
 
#35 ·
Lately I have been getting into the study of BDSM with a newfound curiosity.
I used not to think of it that much and to rather disregard it as something I would be never interested in, but I was wrong!

I have never tried BDSM before – I would mostly be interested in Dominance & Submission, the least in Bondage.
I consider myself as someone rather Submissive with Masochistic tendencies, though I am not on the extreme spectrum regarding both orientations. I could also switch, though being in the submissive position would be more exciting for me.

I would never let BDSM transfer into my lifestyle, though – I am pretty big on (power) equality in a relationship, outside from occasional power shifts in the bedroom. Nor would I ever seek out a Dom on a BDSM website. Too many risks, besides the fact I do not crave BDSM on its own, but rather with the right person involved – someone I am in a relationship with. As @FallingSlowly has mentioned before, the relationship comes first and then BDSM.

I am currently single. If I would be getting together with someone who wasn't into BDSM at all, I would not be disillusioned and leave them. I see BDSM more as an interesting, appreciated "spice" in a relationship, opposed to a requirement. However, I certainly would try to get my partner a little into it, so we try a few things out. Only if they are willing, of course.
And yes, I would prefer a Dominant partner over a Submissive one.

By the way – anyone out there who is in a Dom-Dom or Sub-Sub relationship? How is the dynamic, how do you make it work?
 
#36 ·
By the way – anyone out there who is in a Dom-Dom or Sub-Sub relationship? How is the dynamic, how do you make it work?
I've been spending a bit of time with a lady who has been a friend for a while. She does not submit for shit. She can sort of pretend, kind of, but she's a bit too honest to do that.

Is she dom? No, she just is not into power exchange at all.

How does it work? Sometimes I slip into Dom mode, and she says "No." and then I slip out of Dom mode.

Habits.
 
#37 ·
I have been fooling around with a self professed domme but at the moment she seems either insecure about it or she's not what she thinks she is. I've been with her twice now and both times I've had to, infuriatingly, use subtle cues and sometimes just straight up ask for her to do things, which completely negates my desire to relinquish control. For me a sub-sub dynamic just isn't possible, it irritates rather than excites.
 
#38 · (Edited)
This has been a very illuminating thread! The moment I read up on Ni romance styles I've been wondering whether or not that would translate to a preference for BDSM and/or a domineering, physical partner.

As for the folk(s) who are talking about how BDSM perpetuates the oppression of women: talking about how BDSM has the potential to come from a harmful place with a woman as a sub and a man as a dom is great and inviting people to be critical of their kinks is great! However, ignoring consent, undermining and infantilising women, and ignoring the autonomy of women who choose to be the sub in BDSM relations is not. You can invite discourse on the potential harmfulness of kinks re: products of the patriarchy without shitting on the women involved.
 
#39 ·
This has been a very illuminating thread! The moment I read up on Ni romance styles I've been wondering whether or not that would translate to a preference for BDSM and/or a domineering, physical partner.
That sounds very interesting! Could you provide us with some links to information on Ni romance styles?
 
#40 ·
@SisOfNight Sure! Warning for socionics. I'm pretty sure I still can't direct link but here it is:
the16types(.)info/vbulletin/content.php/101-Erotic-Attitudes

The Ni-doms are the IEI (F) and the ILI (T). Both are "Victim" types.

IEI: "These are the types who unconsciously throw a "gauntlet" down for their opponents. They know on an almost subliminal level exactly who they are looking for, and anyone who does not fit the bill will be subjected to a rather flakey, hot-cold game of courting tag. As a result, they may appear (both to others and to themselves) rather amorphous and can take on qualities of the other romantic attitudes, depending on the situation and who they are "challenging."

They may, for example, give the victim half his aggressor, the psuedo-aggressor a little victim, the caregiver a bit of his child, etc. They react best, however, to those who do not "break" as a result of their games, but grant them a level of autonomy. Healthy examples of this type will have a sense of self-esteem, and may think of themselves as the "prize" that will be given only to the rightful owner."

According to their theory this is their preferred romantic partner:

"These are assertive types who do not flinch at their own sexuality. They will express their own desire without reservation. They are won over by direct shows of submission (only after feeling that they have earned it). He will be insulted if his romantic interest gives him his title without question, and bored if the fight is too easily won. He, like the Pseudo-Aggressor and the Challenger, is questing to find his equal. Someone he can play his almost sadistic games with without "breaking.""

There's also a good article floating around somewhere that goes into the specifics of the dynamic between SeTi and NiFe but I can't find it right now.
 
#46 · (Edited)
Wow. This is scary accurate... I'm so guilty of playing the hot-cold game with people I know I don't necessarily "click" with, who don't understand me on that sort of level. I keep waiting to see if I might like them anyway especially if they're invested in me-- but nope. I'm awful, I know... I have a really good idea of what I want, though I can't articulate it. I just know it when I see it.

Also super guilty of having whoever I'm dating dictate certain parts of myself. I'm too impressionable, perhaps, always trying to be "perfect" for them, molding myself to them, being whoever they want me to be. I don't mind it, though. Not at all.

Can I just say-- help me find them, to that description of the ideal? Yes. Ideal indeed. Though I don't know if I could connect with an ESTP in that way.
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top