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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
What the heck is with being Taken for Granted?

I see this mentioned a lot in the INFJ forum and want to understand it better. A lot of us seem to have this thing where if we are being taken for granted or not being given back in an ideal or mutual fashion, we just have a huge issue over it that can lead to depression or door slamming.

My question is........ Why????

Because I don't think I have ever used that phrase to describe how I've felt towards others. If anything, I would be the one guilty of taking OTHERS for granted because I'm emotionally fickle/ambivalent and detach fairly easily from people, even if they were considered "very important/close to me."

Why is this such a difference and why can't I relate? Is it a functional thing? Enneagram thing?? Instinctual variant???! Lol Or is it simply an individual personality thing beyond type? I want to know what other INFJs have to say about it as well as their own experiences in being "taken for granted." I don't think I get it, or maybe I have never felt like I overextended myself to others. Either that or I don't make a bigger deal of my own personal wishes and concerns, and I feel no one owes me anything back no matter how much of myself I may offer.
 

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I will give you an example of mine. Please stick with me if you can. I won't break out grandma's alphabet MBTI soup so don't expect Si, Te function talk. But here we go..

This usually happens when dealing with what I describe as socially damaged people- not of their own fault (see I am doing it). I will scan the room or person around me and because of my subconscious lens, I get a feel if they are overly sensitive or not. I tend to put on that hat and walk on egg shells in order to avoid confrontation and not hurt their feelings. If it is in a group environment, I want to make sure everyone is at ease. But if I am surrounded by A-types, then I put on the aggressive/leadership hat.

Now, if I am met with individual scam artists and I feel that my extra efforts to avoid confrontation are being misinterpreted as weakness or someone is trying to shit test me by being dismissive of me or what other members in the group are trying to accomplish, I will see it as them taken my kindness for granted- or taking advantage of the situation. I become like a lion protecting myself and her cubs. I really do not like dismissive behavior.

Therefore, the result will be a full out push-back, not necessarily door slam, but as a way to protect the integrity of the other members of the group and or what I am trying to meaningfully accomplish. Most often it is a black out by which I may get overly aggressive in response but often regret doing so. I mostly experience this at work or in forums where people are dismissive and may prevent others from learning about a subject matter.

However, some people, who subscribe to the INFJ personality, and may have not been able to employ this push-back due to low esteem or character issues, can be overwhelmed and not be able to confront it- resulting in total avoidance or the "slamming of door".

Another example is if I hold the door open for you or let you cross on the street and you don't acknowledge this good deed, I will literally walk up to you and ask you where you manners are. It's like reminding your child to say thank you- we have to be good doers in life.

So the more A-types INFJs are around, the hardened one becomes and are able to blow past these doors without actually slamming it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 · (Edited)
I will give you an example of mine. Please stick with me if you can. I won't break out grandma's alphabet MBTI soup so don't expect Si, Te function talk. But here we go..

This usually happens when dealing with what I describe as socially damaged people- not of their own fault (see I am doing it). I will scan the room or person around me and because of my subconscious lens, I get a feel if they are overly sensitive or not. I tend to put on that hat and walk on egg shells in order to avoid confrontation and not hurt their feelings. If it is in a group environment, I want to make sure everyone is at ease. But if I am surrounded by A-types, then I put on the aggressive/leadership hat.

Now, if I am met with individual scam artists and I feel that my extra efforts to avoid confrontation are being misinterpreted as weakness or someone is trying to shit test me by being dismissive of me or what other members in the group are trying to accomplish, I will see it as them taken my kindness for granted- or taking advantage of the situation. I become like a lion protecting myself and her cubs. I really do not like dismissive behavior.

Therefore, the result will be a full out push-back, not necessarily door slam, but as a way to protect the integrity of the other members of the group and or what I am trying to meaningfully accomplish. Most often it is a black out by which I may get overly aggressive in response but often regret doing so. I mostly experience this at work or in forums where people are dismissive and may prevent others from learning about a subject matter.

However, some people, who subscribe to the INFJ personality, and may have not been able to employ this push-back due to low esteem or character issues, can be overwhelmed and not be able to confront it- resulting in total avoidance or the "slamming of door".

Another example is if I hold the door open for you or let you cross on the street and you don't acknowledge this good deed, I will literally walk up to you and ask you where you manners are. It's like reminding your child to say thank you- we have to be good doers in life.

So the more A-types INFJs are around, the hardened one becomes and are able to blow past these doors without actually slamming it.
Ah I think I get it. So the experience of being taken for granted for being kind or integral, and not being appreciated or recognized for that effort is what you're trying to compensate or find redemption for? Like protecting and confronting in attempt to gain/regain the acknowledgement you tried to achieve (of being a decent person).

I suppose I never thought of it that way. In my experience though, whenever I heard people say they were being taken for granted and didn't like it, I think I assumed they were asking for more consideration than they even provided themselves with... if that makes sense. For example, with myself I don't feel I ever offered or done enough to even need "proper association" with my efforts. Even if I were to be told I have done a lot or if I were aware, I still wouldn't do anything to draw attention to it. Not to good deeds or yieldings etc. I suppose my paradigm on that... is that people who are manner-less or incapable of recognizing your good acts more, no matter the degree, still do not have to respond in a way we good-doers were to be. Idk if I am making sense. Lol But it's like I wouldn't even open my ears wider to hear a simple thank you even if I held a door open for someone. Secondary conditioning or something, is the term in psychology text books. I don't know, I think because I treat social situations more directly and objectively, strangely my Fe isn't as into it. I mean if someone is being rude or picking on another ofc I will empathize and feel bad. But if it is something considerate I did for another, I don't even think of it more. Because all I process of my actions is my actions and not my feelings or values that I would like to reciprocate. Like doing something just because, and because I can't hold others to the standards or ideals of behavior/response that I hope to. I have to be realistic that not everyone will do that and it still doesn't mean I should hold them by the collar and cop them for it. That'd be like alluding to a contract they never signed, or something in my mind. Sigh these metaphors. Lol

Going back to what I said on feeling like I just don't give enough, I always feel despite whatever I do I can always strive to be kinder or more on-call for people. And part of me wants to be that kind of person. However I personally feel far from it. That makes me not want to ask for anything, not even a thank you or a returned favor, no matter how painfully obvious it were for me to be in the right to receive one. I feel it isn't anyone's job to cooperate and make it harmonious for/with me, it's my job to choose where I would like to create that and to know beforehand how I will receive back of my efforts, if any, and not to complain of its blunder if someone outside of me isn't doing what I had felt they should've... because I don't feel that. I won't hold anything against the other, maybe it is also a pride thing but I would rather be more aware of my shortcomings and intentions than to assume reform or neglection of/from another. That allows me to not dawdle too much and just find the people I want to be around who naturally allow for a mutual exchange easier. The idea of being taken for granted correlates to the idea that one feels they deserve dollars to their pennies, in my mind. Again, this is through the concept that I "could" give more, even though I would've given the shiniest handfuls of pennies a time. They really were, just pennies.
 

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For me to put those kinds of expectations on the behavior of other beings is worse than useless.

False expectations act as active obstructions on my perception which must be dislodged before I can perceive things clearly.

Let people value what they want to value. If they want to appreciate me then fine. If they don't then fine.
 

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I have a bit of a complex about it. I'm afraid of being taken advantage of so I go out of my way to secure situations where it's not possible for me to be. It's possible you're better at moderating how much of yourself you give, you are able to give yourself freely without feeling like you've given too much. I guess it's a hyper-awareness of the limited reserve of my energy and not wanting to waste it on anything or anyone that isn't worth it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I have a bit of a complex about it. I'm afraid of being taken advantage of so I go out of my way to secure situations where it's not possible for me to be. It's possible you're better at moderating how much of yourself you give, you are able to give yourself freely without feeling like you've given too much. I guess it's a hyper-awareness of the limited reserve of my energy and not wanting to waste it on anything or anyone that isn't worth it.
I can understand that I think. I wonder though, are many INFJs not aware of the risks or potential "net losses" of interractions with certain people? I think maybe the reason I don't have this issue is because I sniff any issues out beforehand before giving anything I would miss or want back.

I think I have a certain limit to how much energy/effort I can spend on someone as well. However I have detachment phases where I kinda forget every little thing we exchanged or did together or what I did for them, I don't keep up with those things well and have to be reminded of it... Then again, who would actually keep a tally on that stuff.

In matters that are more personal and serious than not being told thank you for holding a door open... Do you usually stand up or confront the issue of being taken for granted like the above user does, or do you sort of just let it go and retreat elsewhere?

I find I treat most relationships like business, coldly but with good intentions in mind and in hand. And I am always continuously communicating with the other person what the status is and what's going to be done so that there are no misunderstandings or false accusations. If one of us in the dynamic gets overly concerned with its exchange (usually it's the other person) then I'm inclined to ask "what do you want? tell me and ill tell you if i can do that." And be honest about it and make my adjustments. This is for if I even cared that much to keep the person in my life though. If I am just letting it be and "door-slamming" them then I take it as a sign that my OWN intentions to be giving or with them in general have been faulty and delusional.
 
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I wonder though, are many INFJs not aware of the risks or potential "net losses" of interractions with certain people?
I can't speak for others, but I'm aware of the risks and potential net losses only after a lot of analysis. I think that's why I'm slow with people getting close. That said, there are still times where the net loss is much greater than the gain, but I go ahead anyway. Being aware of it doesn't always mean I follow it, having reason doesn't always mean I'll choose it.

Do you usually stand up or confront the issue of being taken for granted like the above user does, or do you sort of just let it go and retreat elsewhere?
It depends. If I want to save the connection, I'll confront them about it. If I don't, I'll silently disappear. Confronting is a good sign because I'm still investing somehow. Sometimes I'll have invested so much in the person already that I overlook the bad stuff in order to preserve the good, and it's usually then that my clarity on whether or not they are worth it becomes blurred. I'm afraid of that happening since it's happened before-doesn't mean it doesn't still happen, or won't happen again. It's another thing to endlessly analyze. I still let people in while having this fear. I might just be more slow and careful about how quickly I do.

I find I treat most relationships like business, coldly but with good intentions in mind and in hand. And I am always continuously communicating with the other person what the status is and what's going to be done so that there are no misunderstandings or false accusations. If one of us in the dynamic gets overly concerned with its exchange (usually it's the other person) then I'm inclined to ask "what do you want? tell me and ill tell you if i can do that." And be honest about it and make my adjustments. This is for if I even cared that much to keep the person in my life though. If I am just letting it be and "door-slamming" them then I take it as a sign that my OWN intentions to be giving or with them in general have been faulty and delusional.
I'm like this as well, it's somewhat methodical but fluid and natural, if that makes sense. I think the random directness, like "what do you want?" (both to the other person and myself) is helpful. I think I understand the overarching theme of your post, in that we are responsible and it isn't entirely other people's fault if we are being taken advantage of. Ultimately, we give what we choose to. It could be that when we retreat to analyze whether or not it's too much, more often than not, we decide that it is.
 

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Ah I think I get it. So the experience of being taken for granted for being kind or integral, and not being appreciated or recognized for that effort is what you're trying to compensate or find redemption for? Like protecting and confronting in attempt to gain/regain the acknowledgement you tried to achieve (of being a decent person).

I suppose I never thought of it that way. In my experience though, whenever I heard people say they were being taken for granted and didn't like it, I think I assumed they were asking for more consideration than they even provided themselves with... if that makes sense. For example, with myself I don't feel I ever offered or done enough to even need "proper association" with my efforts.
I see the point of which you are coming from but it's not so much the need for seeking praise or gratitude of your good deeds but more so of taking advantage of the situation and the kindness you or others. But I see you how it can be that you are slipping and sliding in trying to grasp at it because it's all in the weeds. So for example, I don't like adoration and praise. I perform a job well done, I don't need you to praise me. This is also why I never check my thank notifications and they just keep racking up.

But if we have a working relationship, you must not take advantage of my kind doings. I will not chase you down with a cross and holy water but I will give you a heads up. Another example is taking advantage of children or people that are helpless- that is a big one that will make me fly off the handle.

You see, I have had several grueling career fields since the age of 19. So if you go into those fields as an INFJ and with no real world experience, just as I did, you will be eaten emotionally by the culture of natural A-types. You also become exposed to so much training, education, attention to detail, and knowledge social/human dynamics that you become a master of ceremony when put through the ringers. You learn to break through the emotional doors and pick up the ability to lead with tact but also keep that emotionally attentive INFJ side. Therefore, it's not a burden to keep people accountable in work/family dynamics as much as you find it your duty to do so- obviously not holding a bible in your hand. There are limits.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 · (Edited)
I see the point of which you are coming from but it's not so much the need for seeking praise or gratitude of your good deeds but more so of taking advantage of the situation and the kindness you or others. But I see you how it can be that you are slipping and sliding in trying to grasp at it because it's all in the weeds. So for example, I don't like adoration and praise. I perform a job well done, I don't need you to praise me. This is also why I never check my thank notifications and they just keep racking up.

But if we have a working relationship, you must not take advantage of my kind doings. I will not chase you down with a cross and holy water but I will give you a heads up. Another example is taking advantage of children or people that are helpless- that is a big one that will make me fly off the handle.

You see, I have had several grueling career fields since the age of 19. So if you go into those fields as an INFJ and with no real world experience, just as I did, you will be eaten emotionally by the culture of natural A-types. You also become exposed to so much training, education, attention to detail, and knowledge social/human dynamics that you become a master of ceremony when put through the ringers. You learn to break through the emotional doors and pick up the ability to lead with tact but also keep that emotionally attentive INFJ side. Therefore, it's not a burden to keep people accountable in work/family dynamics as much as you find it your duty to do so- obviously not holding a bible in your hand. There are limits.
Hm yeah I can see what you mean. It's like setting boundaries and knowing what is or isn't okay for you. I suppose I treat it a little more loosely because I am not as aware of my own values let alone my own person-- or the stuff I want to experience in and of this body I mean. My attention seems to go very much outward, but regardless of experience I feel any losses or irreciprocal actions as associated entirely within the space outside of me that was meant to just be experienced as it was.

I can understand what you mean about A type people. I can't remember being around anyone like that long enough though, besides my mother. Lol I haven't dared to place myself in grueling situations to alter my perspective in that sort of way, or perhaps because I wasn't ever meant to yet. Maybe my value isn't to be true or rightful in the preservation of good (no Bibles here! Lol) but to do good or do whatever you will not at the price of how others utilize or respond to it. Even if it completely goes over their heads, or mine for the matter. Lol I'm still wondering about this difference in perception as it feels foreign to me, yet also a bit interesting. It can mean I lack some sort of attention to the effects going around or out of me.

Actually... rereading and reabsorbing your post, I think I'm more tolerant in other people take advantage of me (that is if they can even hold me down. Not likely). Not saying I would let them, but I don't think I can recognize it. I mostly pinpoint it as spreading my strengths or good points in and of my personality rather than my functionality. And I place myself in naturally ideal situations I want to be in, rather than make and maintain one where I would have to think about whether or not I am being stepped on or taken advantage of or something... if that is the case, I would instantly go inward and reconfigure how I'm seeing or judging people.
 

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May partially be enneagram related. I can see a type 9 having a longer fuse, for instance. But overall, probably also has a lot to do with experiences and how much pain one has felt at the hands of another.


Being taken for granted comes into play (at least for me) when someone who is supposed to care about you is seemingly blind to you. You have their back but they don't have yours. In fact, they may just throw you under the bus even. For example, family members are people who are supposed to care for each other but in reality, they can often be toxic or simply take you for granted -- maybe because they've never had anyone to compare you to so they don't know how good or bad they have it. Or they forget because their priorities become out of wack. I think that's often the case.


To me, relationships should be run sort of like businesses which may sound cold, but it's really just to protect all parties involved. Now, there are different types of relationships where of course you wouldn't expect certain things. If it's an un-equal relationship (mentor type relationship, lets say), I probably won't expect much of certain things in return. However, if it's a committed relationship where it's quite mutual and we both want it to thrive, I would think an equal give and take is a realistic expectation. It should be fair. If someone truly cares about you, they won't take advantage of you. Maybe some people don't realize they are being taken advantage of. I mean, I certainly haven't always realized it until kind of late in the game. So yeah, that was hurtful. If you love the person enough, you will forgive those grievances. Doorslams are reserved for toxic people in my book but even then, you still get a way back in if you REALLY want it. It will just require you to make more of an effort most likely.


All that being said, I'm not exempt from taking people for granted myself. I do strive to always be there for the people close to me but I feel like I often hurt the people closest to me as well.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
May partially be enneagram related. I can see a type 9 having a longer fuse, for instance. But overall, probably also has a lot to do with experiences and how much pain one has felt at the hands of another.


Being taken for granted comes into play (at least for me) when someone who is supposed to care about you is seemingly blind to you. You have their back but they don't have yours. In fact, they may just throw you under the bus even. For example, family members are people who are supposed to care for each other but in reality, they can often be toxic or simply take you for granted -- maybe because they've never had anyone to compare you to so they don't know how good or bad they have it. Or they forget because their priorities become out of wack. I think that's often the case.


To me, relationships should be run sort of like businesses which may sound cold, but it's really just to protect all parties involved. Now, there are different types of relationships where of course you wouldn't expect certain things. If it's an un-equal relationship (mentor type relationship, lets say), I probably won't expect much of certain things in return. However, if it's a committed relationship where it's quite mutual and we both want it to thrive, I would think an equal give and take is a realistic expectation. It should be fair. If someone truly cares about you, they won't take advantage of you. Maybe some people don't realize they are being taken advantage of. I mean, I certainly haven't always realized it until kind of late in the game. So yeah, that was hurtful. If you love the person enough, you will forgive those grievances. Doorslams are reserved for toxic people in my book but even then, you still get a way back in if you REALLY want it. It will just require you to make more of an effort most likely.


All that being said, I'm not exempt from taking people for granted myself. I do strive to always be there for the people close to me but I feel like I often hurt the people closest to me as well.
I relate to the last thing you said. I usually feel guilty about it with every friend I have, and even if I haven't done anything yet to hurt them I always feel it will come around eventually and it's a sad thing to think... Lol
 
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Yeah, I don't think I'm particularly susceptible to being taken advantage of.

I can think of some times in life where I was, because other stuff was going on with me that I wasn't recognizing.
But then, the reserve kicks in... I keep myself really well protected, and it's more likely that the other person may feel taken advantage of when I don't want to socialize for a while or w/e.


In the end, people teach others how to treat them. Taking accountability for what one has permitted others to treat them like is important. People should respect boundaries, but setting them is just as important.

It always takes two to tango. There's a lot of truth to that.
 

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I think the real issue here is that there are givers and takers in this world, and most people fall into the latter category. Being that most well-adjusted INFJs are givers, we're very sensitive to being taken for granted by others. Most of us learn early on that our kindness is typically repaid with indifference. This revelation was among the most disappointing of my life. I refused for a long time to believe that others were as selfish as they are, but life has taught me otherwise.

The other aspect of INFJdom that makes this difficult for us is that most of us aren't good at and don't enjoy being selfishly single-minded. Ignoring all others with a fuck-the-world attitude is a great adaption for modern life. We just aren't very good at it, and it feels wrong to us to be so callous towards others. This makes us ripe for being taken advantage of, because most INFJs feel almost a compulsion to care for others.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I think the real issue here is that there are givers and takers in this world, and most people fall into the latter category. Being that most well-adjusted INFJs are givers, we're very sensitive to being taken for granted by others. Most of us learn early on that our kindness is typically repaid with indifference. This revelation was among the most disappointing of my life. I refused for a long time to believe that others were as selfish as they are, but life has taught me otherwise.

The other aspect of INFJdom that makes this difficult for us is that most of us aren't good at and don't enjoy being selfishly single-minded. Ignoring all others with a fuck-the-world attitude is a great adaption for modern life. We just aren't very good at it, and it feels wrong to us to be so callous towards others. This makes us ripe for being taken advantage of, because most INFJs feel almost a compulsion to care for others.
Hm yeah. It would appear our type is the epitomy of this issue in some cases I've read about, then again that may just be more impression than reality.

As another INFJ I'm quite sensitive in that as well. I do care about other people and want to offer more if I possibly can, but in most circumstances I feel I lack or am behind in that. I want to give more but realize my personal resources are limited to a specific fashion. I am hard on myself to give the "right way' vs to give anything at all. In other words... guilt is common, but the feeling of being taken for granted may not be easily welled up since (maybe this is just how my Ni is interpretting it) but I can tell when even if I offer what I can there are things that people deserve or need/want differently than I can manage. That's the source of my negative feelings, which I think I can at times hold myself to in an unhealthy way. I assume being taken for granted means one assumes they have given everything and definitely deserve an equal reciprocation. When for me, I always feel I didn't or couldn't give the 'right' thing in the first place which thus holds me from feeling like I've been taken advantage of. I guess my desire to do the best thing in the ideal/right way for others is higher than my standards of give and take. I automatically assume I offered less even if I was the one offering first.
 

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My husband often gets frustrated, telling me I let people take me for granted all the time. I don't think I do. I think I decide I want to help someone and I do it and I don't care what their motivations are or how they repay me. I don't care if they think they're manipulating me. I do it because I want to do it. So I suppose you could look at it either way... I don't think I'm letting people take advantage of me, but my husband does. It's kind of just a matter of what you think 'taking for granted' means.
 
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I see this mentioned a lot in the INFJ forum and want to understand it better. A lot of us seem to have this thing where if we are being taken for granted or not being given back in an ideal or mutual fashion, we just have a huge issue over it that can lead to depression or door slamming.

My question is........ Why????

Because I don't think I have ever used that phrase to describe how I've felt towards others. If anything, I would be the one guilty of taking OTHERS for granted because I'm emotionally fickle/ambivalent and detach fairly easily from people, even if they were considered "very important/close to me."

Why is this such a difference and why can't I relate? Is it a functional thing? Enneagram thing?? Instinctual variant???! Lol Or is it simply an individual personality thing beyond type? I want to know what other INFJs have to say about it as well as their own experiences in being "taken for granted." I don't think I get it, or maybe I have never felt like I overextended myself to others. Either that or I don't make a bigger deal of my own personal wishes and concerns, and I feel no one owes me anything back no matter how much of myself I may offer.
I was just reading this amazing article that seems super real to me, it’s How People Steal Your Power, Energy and Soul. It’s basic energy stuff, the world is made of mostly ‘takers’ who operate at a low/dark level of consciousness, and “Givers” who are aware and have their own energy and don’t steal it from others, they give. Sounds like you’re a giver. As that article says, givers are rarer in the world than takers, and you need to learn to protect yourself, or orient with other givers. Most people don’t understand energy and are not connected to their personal power. So they steal someone else’s.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 · (Edited)
I was just reading this amazing article that seems super real to me, it’s How People Steal Your Power, Energy and Soul. It’s basic energy stuff, the world is made of mostly ‘takers’ who operate at a low/dark level of consciousness, and “Givers” who are aware and have their own energy and don’t steal it from others, they give. Sounds like you’re a giver. As that article says, givers are rarer in the world than takers, and you need to learn to protect yourself, or orient with other givers. Most people don’t understand energy and are not connected to their personal power. So they steal someone else’s.
Hm I've heard of this before I think. It resonates with a few other things I've picked up on as well. Which would you say you are? How do you approach giving and taking? Are there certain criterium that you do not let others surpass with a free ticket? Or just overall how do you think of this whole issue of being taken for granted?

In response to what you said about myself being a giver... Wouldn't it be the opposite? Though I know what you mean, but wouldn't the other INFJs resonating with this 'granted" issue be more the givers which causes the bigger disparity and struggle of feeling an imbalance of exchange, because they feel they have given well...? Then again I see how the intention to give in the first place may have just been conditional and limited to begin with... If the world is more like that, I'm surprised anyone would want to exchange anything, but even still there is the survival factor so... Lol I think I know what you mean, however I still feel I may be another one of those "takers" in the end. Not sure how to express why without repeating what I have mentioned previously, looking back on it it clearly isn't of firm rationale.

I wonder if the idea of being taken for granted stems from an attachment to what one is and does for someone? Like the energy thing you mentioned, perhaps it is simply the feeling like they gave away parts of themselves, their own energy away. For me... when I give my time or effort at all, I only do it when I can see what it is the other person truly wants/needs AND I know atm only I can fulfill that for them in that way. If none of those criteria were checked off, I would succumb to minor to major guilt feelings depending on who it is and if they are closer to me, and I wouldn't do anything. Maybe it is a form of perfectionism, but this is why I don't feel like a giver. When I do give though (after all the criteria is fulfilled) I have a clear separation of what I am offering and what is essentially just "me, offering myself." The latter isn't as easy for me to do, because I frankly feel I don't know who I really am or what I really personally value on a solid basis, to be making so many boundaries and conditions. That's why the gift of time is my main trade, and nothing else really.

Perhaps I objectify my offerings and subjectify reception, but I feel other INFJs subjectify both avenues, or if not it is flipped the opposite way. I know it is the Fe function that can either be an endless giver with limitless energy if it is self-generative to begin with, or tight and tense on wanting reciprocacy if they aren't. I don't expect or crave reciprocacy much with most people which is why I don't feel like I've given too much, because I am aware of what and how much I give and if it is/was fair or not and I knew ahead of time of this person's worth (not inherent, but in a progressive sense). And... If it isn't fair for whatever reason I blame myself, not the other person. I find the problem only exists in the minds of those who perceive of it, thus they created it. I hold others accountable but I don't dare give them responsibilities that they should have to fulfill for me, to keep me offering my considerations or time. I don't door slam for not being given back.. But. I do door slam for my shortcomings, strangely.

Honestly I know we all have limits to what we can give. And despite how much I know I could offer more, I know I have my personal limits as well. But at the end of the day I don't expect or even want to be given to by those I have sized-up that they are worthy or efficient of my time and resources. All I would even ask is they use what I gave them well and not waste it or cast it aside. If it helps then that's all I even vouched for. I'm a bit nitpicky about give and take though as I prefer to give and make (more to give!). Lol So when I see others saying this "i hate being taken for granted" thing I don't know how to think of it because it is like a foreign concept imo. Like what does that even mean??
 

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People who take INFJs for granted are people who take everyone for granted. Because the more friends, acquaintances and overall social validation a person is spoiled with, the more disposable each individual becomes to them. It doesn't matter about the individual's qualities and depth of investment because the 'taker' only cares about their connections to the extent that they feel immediately gratified by them. The INFJ prefers depth but, having made the mistake of holding themselves to others' standards, just takes the blow much harder than most. Most INFJs seem to learn this painful life lesson at some point or another.

Not to be rude, but it's not too difficult to see why INFJs might be taken advantage of. It seems like you're overcomplicated it in an attempt to justify that you don't relate. I'm not sure why that is, but it shouldn't invalidate the issue itself just because you feel it doesn't apply to you. It could very well be related to enneagram.

In my opinion, it is an issue that is more related to personal boundaries, which INFJs sometimes fail to properly set. It has nothing to do with whether or not the INFJ feels entitled to an equal return. It simply stems from a feeling of rejection and thus ultimately a questioning of one's worth in the eyes of others, which is common for Fe types.
 
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