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I've just joined the personality cafe so I hope I'm ok to post a new thread here. I've read the guidelines and searched for a similar thread but I haven't found quite what I am looking for so I've decided to post this up.

I've found that right from when I first started dating, even if things start off really well with the guy, I always (so far anyway) get this awful, terrible feeling in my gut which is like a fist twisting and turning my insides, followed by an enormous wave of dread and doom and my intuitive voice telling me I need to end it. It's all very dramatic, and literally floors me, it is a very physical as well as emotional thing. Once this feeling begins, there is no stopping it. I end up crying for hours and hours, then days and sometimes months on and off until I've ended the relationship. After this I get this strange feeling of calm and like my intuition is going 'thank goodness for that!' and is all happy and relaxed, whilst I'm trying to understand why I had to end it. It usually takes my conscious mind several months to understand why the relationship wasn't right - it's as if my unconscious mind knows things a lot quicker than my conscious mind.

I'm now 29, and I've just split up with the guy I was dating because yet again I got this awful gut feeling of terror and doom. I cried for four days solid until I had to end it. It feels very sad and I'm still trying to understand why, but I always felt something wasn't quite right from the beginning, I actually always wondered if the guy was gay and didn't realise it, and couldn't get over him being kind of camp/effeminate. He was always pushing the relationship to move very fast and I started to feel very panicked. Part of me wonders whether it is my intuition protecting me from future hurt - ie. in this case I could have gone on to marry the guy only for him to come out as gay years down the line? And for my other exes, I can now see they weren't right for me in terms of compatibility etc etc so maybe I just have an extra super strength in-built intuition that protects me from future pain?

My only worry is, I'll never find a guy my gut actually wants me to be with!
Anyway any other INFJs or other personality types' opinions would be most welcome, I've never found anyone who can understand this when I've explained it to them, including counsellors and psychotherapists, so it's often left me feeling quite sad and confused.

Good vibes,
Road x
 

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I always felt something wasn't quite right from the beginning
that - always feeling something wasn't quite right - was your gut also, but its voice just got louder over time and finally started shouting at you.

your gut instinct is built into you for your protection. when you get a strong gut feeling like that and follow it, you are helping to ensure your safety from dangerous people. just like animals have instincts built into them for survival, so do humans, and this is one of ours. i personally know someone who went ahead dating someone in spite of a bad gut feeling like that and ended up in an abusive, controlling relationship. i remember in the past having that horrific gut feeling about some men and later finding out they were dangerous (one actually ended up seriously hurting me, because i ignored the feeling since outwardly the person seemed nice). ever read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker? i'd highly recommend it - it explains how this gut instinct works to preserve human survival ~ to protect from trauma and violence. it would likely clear up your confusion and validate these feelings you are having.

it seems that the more one-sidedly giving/forgiving a woman is, or the more hurt she has been through in her past (that has beaten down her self-confidence), sometimes the more users or abusers are drawn to her as someone they think they can get away with taking from or mistreating. i sincerely hope men aren't being drawn to you in order to use or mistreat you, but your post makes it sound that way (your gut feeling you described indicates these men don't have good intentions towards you), and makes me sad for you. you know, you are worth so much more than that! you deserve a good man who will love you, respect you, treat you gently and kindly, and give as much to you as you give to him!

if you feel like your confidence about yourself has been broken down, doing whatever it takes (even therapy, if it is too difficult on your own) to try to rebuild your confidence will help protect you from men with negative intentions (who often seem to have a way of sniffing out low confidence in women, and try to take advantage of it). also, if a relationship ever feels one-sided, that's a serious red flag that the guy may not be good for you...i know it is counterintuitive to what can be a typical INFJ Fe-related mindset to be the taker rather than the giver, but really it's safest for you if, in dating, you let a guy try to win you over and make you happy...if he can do that, give back your own gratitude and respect, and that response by you will encourage him to keep giving the sort of love you want...making the relationship healthily-balanced.

another suggestion - that might sound strange, but is based on standard psychology - is to seriously consider dating men to whom you are not initially attracted, but who you notice have good traits...and make yourself easily approachable to them (so they know you won't reject them if they show their interest). the reason is that often we can find ourselves repeatedly drawn to people who resemble either our parent or another person in life who has most deeply hurt us, if we haven't yet internally been able to work through and resolve all the issues resulting from that hurt...so it can help to hold suspect any powerful initial attraction or *spark* we feel. attraction can build over time, and that form of attraction sometimes is healthier than immediate magnetism.

i admire you for following your gut even though it was difficult, but am sorry about how you are feeling now. i know it hurts. you sound like a sweet person; please know there are good, safe guys out there who will be drawn to you. *hugs*

edit: added more to post
 

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It usually takes my conscious mind several months to understand why the relationship wasn't right - it's as if my unconscious mind knows things a lot quicker than my conscious mind.
My gut feelings don't give me no choice, as yours seem to. So I've all been "able" to ignore them in terms of action, only to later learn precisely what these instincts were telling me - and to see clearly that they were correct. It took me a long time to understand the real accuracy of these feelings. I was fortunate that I have some of the descriptions in writing, because I could treat it all as data in order to see how accurate they were. I had to challenge myself a little bit when it comes to cause and effect and linear time, because it seemed like at times (one in particular because I have it so clearly in writing), I knew with eerie precision what would happen before it did, and my conscious mind would never in a million years have guessed. And again if I didn't have some of this in writing, I'd probably think I was misremembering. But I wasn't.

I find it interesting that your gut feelings don't seem to let you go until you do what you need to do, and then you feel calm. That makes sense to me even though it's not how I move. My approach has given me the opportunity to actually see the truth unfold over time (the reality that matches my gut feelings that I have no followed). Your approach leaves you guessing what would have happened.

(By the way, I write all this with the assumption that you would know by now if this was not gut feelings but rather some sort of fear of intimacy.)
 

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I always follow my gut... even if it means doing something that I don't want to do. I usually end up second-guessing the gut reaction later since it is usually opposed to what I want. However, once a decision is made, there is no going back on it.

I feel you though. I also wonder if I'll ever be "allowed" to be happy or even sometimes wonder if it's something else that steps in and ruins potential relationships (like some deep-seated, subconscious need to self-destroy or something).

It completely sucks at times and I almost always leave the other person (and anyone else I happen to tell about the situation) completely confused and angry.
 
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*hugs*

I have gut feelings almost on a daily basis, but usually it relates to something more specific than a general feeling of dread/doom. I trust them more often than not (true 9 times out of every 10). But I still get wary in case it's that one time I'm wrong. Don't get me wrong I do get those feelings of dread but they usually dissipate in a matter of minutes and I never do know why I have them :/

Btw they do say our gut (enteric nervous system) is our second brain: Interesting Read
 

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that - always feeling something wasn't quite right - was your gut also, but its voice just got louder over time and finally started shouting at you.

your gut instinct is built into you for your protection. when you get a strong gut feeling like that and follow it, you are helping to ensure your safety from dangerous people. just like animals have instincts built into them for survival, so do humans, and this is one of ours. i personally know someone who went ahead dating someone in spite of a bad gut feeling like that and ended up in an abusive, controlling relationship. i remember in the past having that horrific gut feeling about some men and later finding out they were dangerous (one actually ended up seriously hurting me, because i ignored the feeling since outwardly the person seemed nice). ever read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker? i'd highly recommend it - it explains how this gut instinct works to preserve human survival ~ to protect from trauma and violence. it would likely clear up your confusion and validate these feelings you are having.

it seems that the more one-sidedly giving/forgiving a woman is, or the more hurt she has been through in her past (that has beaten down her self-confidence), sometimes the more users or abusers are drawn to her as someone they think they can get away with taking from or mistreating. i sincerely hope men aren't being drawn to you in order to use or mistreat you, but your post makes it sound that way (your gut feeling you described indicates these men don't have good intentions towards you), and makes me sad for you. you know, you are worth so much more than that! you deserve a good man who will love you, respect you, treat you gently and kindly, and give as much to you as you give to him!

if you feel like your confidence about yourself has been broken down, doing whatever it takes (even therapy, if it is too difficult on your own) to try to rebuild your confidence will help protect you from men with negative intentions (who often seem to have a way of sniffing out low confidence in women, and try to take advantage of it). also, if a relationship ever feels one-sided, that's a serious red flag that the guy may not be good for you...i know it is counterintuitive to what can be a typical INFJ Fe-related mindset to be the taker rather than the giver, but really it's safest for you if, in dating, you let a guy try to win you over and make you happy...if he can do that, give back your own gratitude and respect, and that response by you will encourage him to keep giving the sort of love you want...making the relationship healthily-balanced.

another suggestion - that might sound strange, but is based on standard psychology - is to seriously consider dating men to whom you are not initially attracted, but who you notice have good traits...and make yourself easily approachable to them (so they know you won't reject them if they show their interest). the reason is that often we can find ourselves repeatedly drawn to people who resemble either our parent or another person in life who has most deeply hurt us, if we haven't yet internally been able to work through and resolve all the issues resulting from that hurt...so it can help to hold suspect any powerful initial attraction or *spark* we feel. attraction can build over time, and that form of attraction sometimes is healthier than immediate magnetism.

i admire you for following your gut even though it was difficult, but am sorry about how you are feeling now. i know it hurts. you sound like a sweet person; please know there are good, safe guys out there who will be drawn to you. *hugs*

edit: added more to post
Thanks Emerald sea, for you very detailed, caring and considered response. You are probably more accurate than I'd like to admit. I've never been the most confident person, but I like to think I have a good level of confidence and self respect that I don't date abusive men. I have been fooled a couple of times in the past though, and have dated a few men who were unkind/controlling, and you're right, I was really attracted to them in the beginning which is why I chose to date them. I always seem to be attracted to handsome narcissistic men. I've tried dating other men who have good traits as you described, but always feel very bored on the dates and sometimes even horrified/repulsed at the thought of 'getting romantic' with them, so I'm trying to find solutions to this - ie. how do I find a man I am attracted to and vice versa, who is also a kind, genuine, non-controlling, healthy and mature?

A lot of my friends are married or in long term relationships now and have been for years, I stand out as someone who has had several short, fiery, passionate, dramatic and painful relationships. I'd love to move onto a healthier relationship now but I'm definitely finding it hard. I did have one boyfriend, who I still recognise today as a very good man. The trouble was, my gut told me at the beginning there was not enough chemistry/physical attraction there, but I overrode it knowing what a good person he was. I cried on and off for months in between happier times together, but ended it a a year and a half later feeling like I'd known from the beginning he wasn't the one for me. I also therefore can't see how attraction can grow, as it didn't in this relationship. It sometimes makes me just think 'what's the point' but I do try to be hopeful I'll just meet the right guy one day and it will all fall into place...

Thanks for the book recommendation, I will have a look for that on amazon. It's scary to think that this past man might have been dangerous. I started to notice he was becoming increasingly controlling, and also critical of my appearance despite going on about how beautiful I was at other times. He was autistic, which added a confusing and painful element to the mix - ie. how do I know if the reason he was making blunt comments about my appearance and wanting to control things wasn't just the autism, since these are both traits of the condition?
 

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My gut feelings don't give me no choice, as yours seem to. So I've all been "able" to ignore them in terms of action, only to later learn precisely what these instincts were telling me - and to see clearly that they were correct. It took me a long time to understand the real accuracy of these feelings. I was fortunate that I have some of the descriptions in writing, because I could treat it all as data in order to see how accurate they were. I had to challenge myself a little bit when it comes to cause and effect and linear time, because it seemed like at times (one in particular because I have it so clearly in writing), I knew with eerie precision what would happen before it did, and my conscious mind would never in a million years have guessed. And again if I didn't have some of this in writing, I'd probably think I was misremembering. But I wasn't.

I find it interesting that your gut feelings don't seem to let you go until you do what you need to do, and then you feel calm. That makes sense to me even though it's not how I move. My approach has given me the opportunity to actually see the truth unfold over time (the reality that matches my gut feelings that I have no followed). Your approach leaves you guessing what would have happened.

(By the way, I write all this with the assumption that you would know by now if this was not gut feelings but rather some sort of fear of intimacy.)
Thanks Aquarian. You're right, my gut feeling is usually so strong I have no choice. I literally find myself wailing with this tight overwhelming feeling in my gut until I act on it, it is ridiculously overwhelming. I feel quite different the way most other people don't seem to get this, or if they do, they hide it well. I can't go to work/function properly if a major gut feeling happens, it just takes over despite me often doing my best to fight or override it, which can work for a few hours before it feels like the walls crash down again and it feels even worse.

I often wish I could keep going with things to find out how they are going to pan out, but with the gut feeling being so strong I usually physically and emotionally can't. Your point about emotional intimacy was very interesting, as I have often feared getting the two confused. How would I know its my gut telling me its the wrong person rather than just a general fear of intimacy? That would definitely be helpful to know, because if what I'm getting is the latter, I'll just keep getting it and always be alone, which would be terribly sad and is definitely not what I want!

Really glad I joined this site, lots of very insightful people on here helping me figure things out I've been confused about for a long time!
 
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I often wish I could keep going with things to find out how they are going to pan out, but with the gut feeling being so strong I usually physically and emotionally can't. Your point about emotional intimacy was very interesting, as I have often feared getting the two confused. How would I know its my gut telling me its the wrong person rather than just a general fear of intimacy? That would definitely be helpful to know, because if what I'm getting is the latter, I'll just keep getting it and always be alone, which would be terribly sad and is definitely not what I want!
So here's a question that might open into answering that question - do your gut feelings ONLY happen with actual or potential romantic relationships, or do they happen elsewhere as well?

For comparison, mine are not confined to romantic relationships. They can happen with work contexts, for example. I picked up on some bad stuff under the surface in my current job and a couple of weeks ago something happened that made explicit what that was - never would have guessed the specifics, but yeah I was feeling it before showed itself. I also get gut feelings about strangers and other stuff. Very similar to how I feel it with romantic relationships, though of course every context has its own specific flavor.
 

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So here's a question that might open into answering that question - do your gut feelings ONLY happen with actual or potential romantic relationships, or do they happen elsewhere as well?

For comparison, mine are not confined to romantic relationships. They can happen with work contexts, for example. I picked up on some bad stuff under the surface in my current job and a couple of weeks ago something happened that made explicit what that was - never would have guessed the specifics, but yeah I was feeling it before showed itself. I also get gut feelings about strangers and other stuff. Very similar to how I feel it with romantic relationships, though of course every context has its own specific flavor.
I only get this terrible overwhelming fear in romantic relationships. I get much subtler gut feelings about people, situations and places that usually end up being correct, but its never the panic/terror/doom I get whenever I'm in a romantic relationship. Maybe you're onto something here, it could well be a fear of intimacy masking as a gut feeling. It's like my gut is only ever calm when I'm single, it can't handle me being in a romantic relationship in case it all goes horribly wrong which of course, it always does, because I always end it when I get this feeling. I can't really work out where it comes from or why I get it, as I have a number of very close friends, and am very comfortable with talking about emotions and life difficulties. There's just something about romantic rels that is overwhelmingly terrifying, the way they are so unpredictable and unbelievably painful, I guess it could be my subconscious trying to protect myself from future hurt? Lots to think about here, thanks for throwing this out there, I'm reading up more about it as I type.
 

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I only get this terrible overwhelming fear in romantic relationships. I get much subtler gut feelings about people, situations and places that usually end up being correct, but its never the panic/terror/doom I get whenever I'm in a romantic relationship. Maybe you're onto something here, it could well be a fear of intimacy masking as a gut feeling. It's like my gut is only ever calm when I'm single, it can't handle me being in a romantic relationship in case it all goes horribly wrong which of course, it always does, because I always end it when I get this feeling. I can't really work out where it comes from or why I get it, as I have a number of very close friends, and am very comfortable with talking about emotions and life difficulties. There's just something about romantic rels that is overwhelmingly terrifying, the way they are so unpredictable and unbelievably painful, I guess it could be my subconscious trying to protect myself from future hurt? Lots to think about here, thanks for throwing this out there, I'm reading up more about it as I type.
I'd suggest also considering that may actually be both at once. Not saying it is, but in terms of what could be happening, here are the possibilities I see:

1. Your reaction to romantic situations are true gut feelings that are intense because of the intensity of impact that such relationships might have on you.

2. Your reaction to romantic situations are nothing more than fear/terror of intimacy.

3. Your reaction to romantic situations are some combination of gut instinct AND fear/terror of intimacy. If this last one is the thing, you'll need to carefully disentangle the strands to see what's what. Maybe the fear is riding on the back of the gut feelings somehow. The reason I add this last one is if this is the case, a simpler analysis will not yield complete clarity and truth. I've found that when different things get tangled together, it can get confusing unless you know that there's a tangle to begin with.

Anyway, don't know what it is but wanted to add that third possibility in case it ends up being what's going on.
 

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I am capable of ignoring my gut feelings.

But as of now, I would probably make lists about pros and cons about being with this guy, etc etc...and not just let the intuition run me.

But, I do sympathize with you, the gut feeling inside of us can be very powerful.
 

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I've just joined the personality cafe so I hope I'm ok to post a new thread here. I've read the guidelines and searched for a similar thread but I haven't found quite what I am looking for so I've decided to post this up.

I've found that right from when I first started dating, even if things start off really well with the guy, I always (so far anyway) get this awful, terrible feeling in my gut which is like a fist twisting and turning my insides, followed by an enormous wave of dread and doom and my intuitive voice telling me I need to end it. It's all very dramatic, and literally floors me, it is a very physical as well as emotional thing. Once this feeling begins, there is no stopping it. I end up crying for hours and hours, then days and sometimes months on and off until I've ended the relationship. After this I get this strange feeling of calm and like my intuition is going 'thank goodness for that!' and is all happy and relaxed, whilst I'm trying to understand why I had to end it. It usually takes my conscious mind several months to understand why the relationship wasn't right - it's as if my unconscious mind knows things a lot quicker than my conscious mind.

I'm now 29, and I've just split up with the guy I was dating because yet again I got this awful gut feeling of terror and doom. I cried for four days solid until I had to end it. It feels very sad and I'm still trying to understand why, but I always felt something wasn't quite right from the beginning, I actually always wondered if the guy was gay and didn't realise it, and couldn't get over him being kind of camp/effeminate. He was always pushing the relationship to move very fast and I started to feel very panicked. Part of me wonders whether it is my intuition protecting me from future hurt - ie. in this case I could have gone on to marry the guy only for him to come out as gay years down the line? And for my other exes, I can now see they weren't right for me in terms of compatibility etc etc so maybe I just have an extra super strength in-built intuition that protects me from future pain?

My only worry is, I'll never find a guy my gut actually wants me to be with!
Anyway any other INFJs or other personality types' opinions would be most welcome, I've never found anyone who can understand this when I've explained it to them, including counsellors and psychotherapists, so it's often left me feeling quite sad and confused.

Good vibes,
Road x

I can definitely relate to this feeling of dread and terror with my one and only girlfriend so far. When we first starting seeing each other, this dreadful feeling would come over me, sometimes to the point of suffocating. My instincts told me to run. These feelings would come and go. I noticed there was a cycle to this, a couple of weeks of being fine, then several days of just internal hell. This was 7 years ago.

Today, those feelings have mostly gone away. I still don't completely understand why she made me feel that way. My girlfriend is the most loving caring person I've ever known and that hasn't changed. I suspect that I just projected, and learned to associate, my own unhappiness onto her. I know I have emotional issues and I've slowly been learning how to deal with them. Part of that solution for me was actually leaving her for a year to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. I'm just going to bullet list some times I have realized that have helped me in my relationship.


  • If I am happy on my own, chances are I'll be happy with her. If I'm unhappy, I tend to unhappy with her and sooner or later, these feelings that you are talking about start to surface.
  • Don't be afraid to take time to yourself. Tell your boyfriend that you have issues that you need to figure out and you need some space.
  • Most important, I don't think you should give up. If you do, then your experience becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You don't stick around long enough to find out whether your gut feeling was true or not.

Hope this helps! :)
 

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I've had this knowledge, per se, that something doesn't seem right (i guess that's a gut feeling). Whenever I'm liking someone, I already know that this is how things will go, I'm going to do this, and I should just let it go. However, my stupid self wants to ignore that inner voice and continues to follow through. However, I've had this infatuation and deep care for this girl who lives on my floor ( my Residential Assistant....no chance) and I had this voice ACTUALLY APPROVING my decision for once. Something about the woman made me want to do better in life, school, and everything. I didn't have any bad feeling. Now, as the year is ending, my gut is starting to tell me that things aren't going to work out and I need to get over her. :sad:

We were clicking and I knew that we could become good friends, then I could sweep her off her feet with my unleashing of love that I've held back for ever so long. I mean, my gut got to the point where the idea of doing a Secret Santa became a thought and then transgressed into a MUST DO! I'm not the one to admit this type of stuff to someone or even show people my poetry. My gut was telling me to do this, I couldn't sleep until I finally started writing that first letter. As the days passed, my gut continued to override and control how I lived for the next 2 weeks. I made her feel special and now she is more herself, which is what I like. She probably knows I like her and I trust my gut when it says to do this or that to her. For example, ask if she is doing ok <-- based on the fact that I peer into her eyes and I get the sense that something is dull in the usual sparkle that one sees ( or that may just be me).
Needless to say, I am learning when to trust my gut.

In various aspects of my life, I have this sense that somethings fishy about a person, event, or thing. For example, in class these two guys came in with literally 7 minutes to go. I asked myself why they even came and why they are leaving before the professor finished the lecture. Turns out, they wanted to present to the class an offer to paintball with an amazing discount for 2. Turns out they were scammers and the School sent out emails warning us against them several hours later. Now that I look upon that event, it explains the look in of the guys' eyes and how the other guy had this weird smile. I didn't know at the time, but it just seemed out of order.......I even thought that the offer was too good to be true and that there was a catch. I was unsure of whether to buy the paintball tickets. I didn't because I didn't have any money on me...boy was I lucky.
 
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@Solrac026 and @Bluegil thanks for your posts about your experiences, it's good to hear about other people getting these feelings too.

I think for me, this latest guy wasn't right for me. He was autistic, and was younger than me, but the autism plus the age difference plus his lack of experience due to autism all combined to make me feel like I needed to look after him and teach him things, which I'm just not comfortable with. I also worried he was getting a bit controlling, and was unsure he was mature enough to handle how emotional I get about things, so I think the gut was telling me that. I know what you mean about seeing things until the end, but I tried that once, and in the end I felt like I knew all along it wouldn't work, so part of me now doesn't see the point? The challenge is finding someone who my gut feels calm with. I think I need to start dating men I don't usually go for, as clearly my gut didn't think much of the men I've dated so far...

@Solrac026 I'm so cheered to hear things are working with you and the girl you initially had a bad feeling about, and realised it was your own issues getting in the way. If your gut is now calm it shows you did the right thing by taking a break and trying again. I would have liked to be with this last guy I dated longer to see if we could overcome things, but I always find the whole process of dating then breaking up with people super painful, so I'm not sure I can go through that again. It is definitely hard knowing whether the gut is telling you the person is wrong for you, or whether it's just really scared of getting hurt and trying to save you from a perceived rather than real threat.
 

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It was April 27, 2011. (I don't know how many have you have known the big storms that went across the US that year.)

But anyway, there were huge storms that went across my state, and a lot of my friends lost their homes. (Thankfully not their lives.) It was a sad day. And the damage is actually still seen throughout some parts of the area I live in. People have gotten their homes back and everything seems normal again for people...

I don't feel guilty, but as I went to school that morning before the supercells hit, I kept feeling something so incredibly horrible... My gut screamed that horrid happenings would go upon our lives that day. I didn't ignore it, I kept telling my friends I felt bad for some reason. They didn't fully understand, and people didn't really listen to me.

Though, tornadoes and storms like that aren't really things you can prevent. But it makes me depressed and disheartened and misunderstood when people don't understand the feelings I get... It often becomes unbearable, but I often don't let people see it in me. Even at a young age, I've learned to protect my sensitivities. Despite I get depressed quite a bit in the long run.

Has anyone every felt this kind of huge gut feeling? INFJs?
 

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it's as if my unconscious mind knows things a lot quicker than my conscious mind.

I'm now 29, and I've just split up with the guy I was dating because yet again I got this awful gut feeling of terror and doom.
When I get intuitions like that, they're always right. I think you are right for trusting your gut. That's an INFJ thing. You're gut will not lie to you. Your intuition will likely almost always be right, but you really have to figure out what questions your intuition is being asked. If you expect your relationships to be flawless, then you're intuition will be constantly trying to answer the question, "is this relationship perfect?" Maybe "Am I happy in this relationship?" would be a better question though.

INFJs tend to be perfectionists, especially when it comes to relationships. That isn't always a good thing. You might want to take a long and serious look at your expectations.

If you have a strong expectation that things must be perfect in your relationship, your introverted intuition might go off like a warning siren when things are not perfect. Do you think that is what is happening?

If it is, then maybe you should contemplate your expectations and revise them to make them a little more flexible. And then maybe this will change for you.

As a fellow INFJ I can tell you that this will probably be very hard for you to do. We are not in touch with ourselves as well as most other types.

Does that make any sense?

cheers,

dme
 

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I'm just going to bullet list some times I have realized that have helped me in my relationship.


  • If I am happy on my own, chances are I'll be happy with her. If I'm unhappy, I tend to unhappy with her and sooner or later, these feelings that you are talking about start to surface.
  • Don't be afraid to take time to yourself. Tell your boyfriend that you have issues that you need to figure out and you need some space.
  • Most important, I don't think you should give up. If you do, then your experience becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You don't stick around long enough to find out whether your gut feeling was true or not.

Hope this helps! :)
Thank you for the follow on point. This relates directly to observations I wanted to share with @RoadLessTravelled about the last person I dated very briefly, (ignoring my own gut instincts in the process) trying to see the best in them- support them with compassion (not earned or mutually felt in the end sadly). I realised the following things:


  • I needed more time to overcome abandonment- fear of close bonding issues, leading me to fake it.
  • Without self love, appreciation and self contained joy of being my truest self I was more likely to project insecurities, childhood-adult attachment transferences.
  • A 'need for others' causing me to idealise or settle for 'human imperfections' over listening to instincts.
  • At the time I feared rejection or 'being the bad empathic/manipulative type'.
  • Sometimes in connections or relationships sought I can over-empathise or project the old soul 'I've seen it all, so nothing phases me' mystic persona.
  • A need for greater honesty and assertive boundary setting very early on, over the 'things will work out eventually' lies.
  • Sincerity, healthy mindsets, self confidence and self acceptance have a way of filtering out the bad matches insecure in themselves.
  • When we feel confident in ourselves we are more able to be honest and cut unhealthy ties earlier without feeling bad.
  • Maturity and assertiveness lead us into healthier mindsets where guilt or 'expected anger' is returned to sender, knowing we have done nothing wrong in needing to live a purer life.
  • Negativity and sombre negative people can only bring us down or harm our empathic self identity if we let them villify our amazing natures, fearing their own issues.
  • Confidence attracts confidence when we feel secure both inside and outside a relationship in ourselves first.
 
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