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Discussion Starter #1
Is it common for INFJs so suffer from a low self-esteem? Are we ever satisfied with ourselves?
I suffered with low self-esteem for a long time. My need for perfection and to please was never fulfilled, I could always find something that was wrong with me, especially physically. I used to think I had a really huge nose (mainly because that's what I was told) and I hated it, especially because i couldn't hide it. I used to be really tall and lean - I had no shape whatsoever and it really bothered me. I wanted to be curvy and womanly. Now I am curvy and have realised my nose is okay and I've got what I wanted I'm still not satisfied. I've come to accept my self a lot more but that fact that I will never be perfect bothers me sometimes. I hate being shy, I feel like I'm depriving people of getting to know me and I am conscious of the fact that I may come across like I don't want to have fun. This is not the case, I'm just very uncomfortable being the centre of attention. I'd like to be more outgoing and confident, very much so.
Anybody else feel this way?
 

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Is it common for INFJs so suffer from a low self-esteem? Are we ever satisfied with ourselves?
I suffered with low self-esteem for a long time. My need for perfection and to please was never fulfilled, I could always find something that was wrong with me, especially physically. I used to think I had a really huge nose (mainly because that's what I was told) and I hated it, especially because i couldn't hide it. I used to be really tall and lean - I had no shape whatsoever and it really bothered me. I wanted to be curvy and womanly. Now I am curvy and have realised my nose is okay and I've got what I wanted I'm still not satisfied. I've come to accept my self a lot more but that fact that I will never be perfect bothers me sometimes. I hate being shy, I feel like I'm depriving people of getting to know me and I am conscious of the fact that I may come across like I don't want to have fun. This is not the case, I'm just very uncomfortable being the centre of attention. I'd like to be more outgoing and confident, very much so.
Anybody else feel this way?
Take out the tall part, and the current curviness part, and this post could come directly from me, lol!

One thing that has helped me is I found a guy with whom I am compatible, who loves me the way I am and doesn't think my nose is too big, that I am not curvy enough, etc. Finding someone whose opinion differs from the masses and who can appreciate you for your natural self is a great thing, so I hope you can find it.

However, I still struggle with self-confidence in the working world because I have not had success there yet.

There's always something to improve.
 
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Usually my mind goes like this:

Compliment: You must read a lot.
Thought: I can't even finish a book...

Compliment: You're good at art.
Thought: My art is ugly, and I can't ever start anything.

Compliment: You write well
Thought: Quit trying to flatter me, I know it's crap.

Compliment: You look nice.
Thought: I wish.

Yeah, I'm a pessimist.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
I have problems with self-esteem too, though it's usually because I can't perform well enough, or I can't speak well enough, or I'm not smart enough. The problem is I'm also impatient, so it's hard for me to complete anything.
Me too :)
I always just want to get things done. i feel more comfortable when a job is finished.
 

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Usually my mind goes like this:

Compliment: You must read a lot.
Thought: I can't even finish a book...

Compliment: You're good at art.
Thought: My art is ugly, and I can't ever start anything.

Compliment: You write well
Thought: Quit trying to flatter me, I know it's crap.

Compliment: You look nice.
Thought: I wish.

Yeah, I'm a pessimist.
Selene: You're a good person! You make me happy. Whee... ^_^

Maethirion: You're just saying that because you see how pathetic I am and want to make me feel better. If you saw my dark side and who I really am, you wouldn't speak so highly of m--

Selene: Yo! Just shut the f*** up and take the compliment! :angry:

:laughing: [hug]
 

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Holly, I hope your nose is bigger in real life, and that the camera plays tricks.

I believe that all the times I was quiet and hesitant, was because I performed the actions in my head, questioned the action, and thought of other possibilities. Why!? Perform this action when I have the choice not to do what everyone else thinks I should be doing. I questioned my own feelings, Why!? act on them the way other people do. No.. not a lack of confidence.. but a questioning of Why!? and/ or seeing that I don't need to move at all.

My art is good
My words are good

Because I decide that they are, as other humans decide what should be and is good.. as do I, in my human form. Sure, I read other peoples work and look at other peoples art to see the standard and accepted.. and I may change my style because I like anothers as well.. but this will not deter me from creating with the same message behind a modified vision. I suck not at anything.. for I am a product of the world like all things that change and adapt like the water that shapes the rocks over time. Like the trees that bend from the wind. I may modify my vision to better adapt.. yet not cease to be who I am.
 

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I have awful sef-esteem. I'm never good enough for myself and I always find something that could be improved. I like to get compliments but I hardly ever take them to heart, and when I do if that person hurts me or I feel like they've turned their back on me I simply throw it aside and pretty much forget it was ever said. It's a really bad trait to have, but I'm stuck with it :confused:
 

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Green, realize the truth in yourself if others present you with information, instead of seeing others as the arbiter of truth. It exists you see, as the colors in the trees. You rely on another to explain to you the colors as if you were blind... instead see the colors yourself with confidence. The red maple is red. And once you see that! The other person is detached from the truth..despite the words coming from his/her mouth. And thus since the person is detached, see it not necessary to relate the person, and his/her wronging to the facts as if they are dependant upon each other for truth.
 

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Green, realize the truth in yourself if others present you with information, instead of seeing others as the arbiter of truth. It exists you see, as the colors in the trees. You rely on another to explain to you the colors as if you were blind... instead see the colors yourself with confidence. The red maple is red. And once you see that! The other person is detached from the truth..despite the words coming from his/her mouth. And thus since the person is detached, see it not necessary to relate the person, and his/her wronging to the facts as if they are dependant upon each other for truth.
Thank you so much for saying this to me, it means alot to me :happy:
 

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You're welcome, though you could thank Holly :) I'm just the dragonfly attracted to the water lilly she provided as a platform. It's now yours, so detach it from me as you would fruit from a tree. Taste the fruit as good, and if the tree turns bad.. still relish the memory of the fruits good taste.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
I agree with what pretty much everyone else has said. I think it matters when you have somebody who loves you for you and accepts you - warts and all. I think that's very important for an INFJs self-esteem. Although I think it's quite dangerous jus to be okay with yourself as long as someone else is okay with you.
 

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I agree with what pretty much everyone else has said. I think it matters when you have somebody who loves you for you and accepts you - warts and all. I think that's very important for an INFJs self-esteem. Although I think it's quite dangerous jus to be okay with yourself as long as someone else is okay with you.
HollyGolightly - I am in this dangerous position right now. I find I am quite fine, happily by myself. I have accepted most relationships that are functional and dysfunctional in my life (family and friends), however when it comes to romantic relationships, this is where self-esteem issues blow up. I often don't feel attractive enough, smart enough, fun enough, blah, blah...and then I implode into some panic. and painful insecurities take over for days at a time, and I am in a painful state of always wondering. This is why I never attempt relationships, the situation is terribly out of control. I don't feel loved 'the way I am', and accepted. I have to learn to just accept this. I'm getting there. Just right now, I'm just so lost in this.

I feel my latest attempts at connecting with others have been disastrous. I really tried to avoid connection. But I suppose with INFJs that is impossible. And I don't know how to get the sadness feeling inside to stop. I don't know why people bother to get close to me, and I to them. I imagine in a long-term way I have to start accepting myself, and building myself. But honestly, I need something to stop these feelings right now. I just feel like an emptiness has crept up inside, which wasn't there before. Something is terribly wrong.

I suppose I finally admit to a slight problem in this area. I have been avoiding this Thread since I got onto PerC. So it seems my time is up, in terms of avoiding these issues.
... I've come to accept my self a lot more but that fact that I will never be perfect bothers me sometimes. I hate being shy, I feel like I'm depriving people of getting to know me and I am conscious of the fact that I may come across like I don't want to have fun. This is not the case, I'm just very uncomfortable being the centre of attention. I'd like to be more outgoing and confident, very much so.
Anybody else feel this way?
The odd thing about me, is that I am not 'shy'. I am relatively comfortable with others in most situations, I don't mind attention. I used to be quite out-going, but the more and more I keep on pushing myself into isolation. And I cannot sustain relationships, I constantly doubt myself. and am too desirous of approval of another. This only happens in some cases, not all. But it is incredibly embarrassing, and a side of myself that I don't know how to deal with.
 

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Usually my mind goes like this:

Compliment: You must read a lot.
Thought: I can't even finish a book...

Compliment: You're good at art.
Thought: My art is ugly, and I can't ever start anything.

Compliment: You write well
Thought: Quit trying to flatter me, I know it's crap.

Compliment: You look nice.
Thought: I wish.

Yeah, I'm a pessimist.
Wow, it's like looking inside my own head.

Thank you HollyGolightly and Maethirion. The INFJ forum so far reads my mind in a way I couldn't have imagined was possible and tonight was one straight out of my personal hell. It's nice to show up on PerC to read and actually get that sense that I'm not the only one like this.
 

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I have low self-esteem but I think I am gradually learning to accept myself as I get older.

This is how I usually react to compliments:

Compliment: You are really talented you seem to be able to do anything.
My thought: I'm sure anyone could draw, play music etc if they put their mind to it.
My thought: I never stick at anything to be brilliant at it. I'm good at a lot of things but not brilliant at them all or just one thing.

Compliment: You’re such a beautiful and thoughtful person. Don't ever change.
My thought: Really? I'm sure I spend more time thinking about my own insecurities and what people are thinking about me than thinking about them…

Compliment: Your going to university to do a degree in creative writing? That sounds perfect for you let me know when I can buy your book!
My thought: heh...with my past record I'll probably do this course and end up back in an admin job.
 

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I think we are wired to be self critical in the first place. Then add to that a possible dysfunctional family, a world that doesn't generally appreciate our attributes and which is basically designed for extroverted sensors, and presto! You get low self esteem. It takes a lot of self-awareness and compassion for ourselves to overcome all that.

I too relate to the inability to accept a compliment. My first thought is usually 'oh, if you only knew'. I figure if they knew what I really am inside, they wouldn't be giving me any compliments. Sometimes I will allow myself to think that I just may be rather extraordinary. But soon after anxiety or depression will hit hard and I will quit functioning. That's when the self hatred begins again.
 

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I've always had low self-esteem. . .
ever since a very bad experience in 3rd grade. . .in short, one day i had friends, and the next, the people who i had counted as my friends were still there, but they had turned their backs on me completely. Horrible thing to happen to one so young.

anyway, as I grew up, this feeling of low self-esteem didn't evaporate, but I did learn to control it a little, as I got used to the people around me, was put in a position of somewhat-leadership for a club, etc. In other words I found a group who accepted me for who I am, and my self-esteem went up.

However, now that I am a freshman in college. . . there are a lot of new situations that I have to get used to, people I have to get to know. . . that low self-esteem is creeping up again. I'm not good in new situations

Doesn't help that I'm a bit paranoid as well. I think everyone in my classes are watching my every move carefully. . . that if I make one mistake, they'll notice, and call me out for it, and berate me and do other horrid things like that. Or that, even if I don't make a mistake, that I am being judged at every turn, and being talked about behind my back and such
-shudder-
really hate new situations
 

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It's the Ti, introverted thinking, letting itself be known. Notice that a lot of this self-criticism and low self esteem tends to happen when you are alone thinking to yourself. At this point the subjective introverted processes are engaged.
 

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HollyGolightly - I am in this dangerous position right now. I find I am quite fine, happily by myself. I have accepted most relationships that are functional and dysfunctional in my life (family and friends), however when it comes to romantic relationships, this is where self-esteem issues blow up. I often don't feel attractive enough, smart enough, fun enough, blah, blah...and then I implode into some panic. and painful insecurities take over for days at a time, and I am in a painful state of always wondering. This is why I never attempt relationships, the situation is terribly out of control. I don't feel loved 'the way I am', and accepted. I have to learn to just accept this. I'm getting there. Just right now, I'm just so lost in this.

I feel my latest attempts at connecting with others have been disastrous. I really tried to avoid connection. But I suppose with INFJs that is impossible. And I don't know how to get the sadness feeling inside to stop. I don't know why people bother to get close to me, and I to them. I imagine in a long-term way I have to start accepting myself, and building myself. But honestly, I need something to stop these feelings right now. I just feel like an emptiness has crept up inside, which wasn't there before. Something is terribly wrong.

I suppose I finally admit to a slight problem in this area. I have been avoiding this Thread since I got onto PerC. So it seems my time is up, in terms of avoiding these issues.

The odd thing about me, is that I am not 'shy'. I am relatively comfortable with others in most situations, I don't mind attention. I used to be quite out-going, but the more and more I keep on pushing myself into isolation. And I cannot sustain relationships, I constantly doubt myself. and am too desirous of approval of another. This only happens in some cases, not all. But it is incredibly embarrassing, and a side of myself that I don't know how to deal with.
Thanks for having the courage to post this. I can relate to most everything you said here.
 
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