Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 99 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
396 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I keep reading about this door-slam behavior of INFJ's. Interestingly enough, I did not know about this behavior until recently I had executed the door-slam on an ISFP myself. So my question is, have you ever slammed the door on someone? Why? And why do you think INFJ's seem to be known for this behavior? :confused:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,199 Posts
I always do with my parents, or anyone who tries to invade and dig their way in into my emotional side. Or, if someone REALLY pisses me off then I door-slam. Either one.

I think INFJs are known for this behavior because of hypersensitivity. It's like a natural defense mechanism. We can't afford to get hurt again, so we just slam the door and go cold turkey with our emotions - which seems rather effective. We can't do any of that "ease your way in the cold water" crap, we have to either dive in or get out. We'd rather not dive in and deal with the conflict since it would weigh pretty heavy on our emotions, so we just get out.

Then, of course, our internal pain perpetuates because we don't resolve the conflict. In fact, happened to me last night - it was either get out and shut out the pain or dive into the conflict, and I got pushed into diving in. Needless to say I went completely berserk, haha. I didn't want to though, because I didn't want to hurt my close friend I was in conflict with. Afterwards we'll feel apologetic for acting that way, if we do burst out in emotion. So we doorslam in order to preserve our feelings (which is actually counter-productive in my opinion), that weigh in for ourselves, and others (which in turn weighs in ourselves).

That's my guess. Also...welcome to the forum :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
91 Posts
I'm not an INFJ, but I do slam doors when I get angry, so I just thought I would add a little comment. Slamming doors helps me escape from the problem and show that I'm angry. That door shutting is almost symbolic of separation from the situation and it also helps me get my frustration out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
396 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
For me it is a way to "take out the trash"; some people are not worth my time nor my emotional energy. When a relationship has turned sour and neither of us are gaining any benefit, it is time to sever that tie.

Recently I had to door-slam an ISFP (like stated above) because she was always lying, always having angry outbursts over insignificant bullshit, constantly accusing me of being a selfish bitch when I didn't feel like spending the whole day talking about issues that she created her-fucking-self! and so on. Rant over :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
852 Posts
This topic comes up periodically, because yeah, it does seem to be a mainly INFJ thing. Here's a link that may help: http://personalitycafe.com/infj-forum-protectors/37872-infj-door-slam-now-what-do-i-do.html
Has a lot of good explanations about the motivations behind the whole thing.

Maybe it's so common to INFJs because of our function pattern. (Hazarding a theory here... professed cognitive function amateur... please be kind :)) At a certain point in a troubled relationship, we suddenly see down the path ahead with our Ni, and know where the relationship is going. If it seems that the relationship will just be going through repetitions of the same problematic cycle, it's like we get preemptively tired of the recurrence all at once, and just decide to shut it down, especially if we feel we've tried to make ourselves heard in the past to no avail. Meanwhile, the other person is confused because they didn't just mentally experience the exhaustion of many more months or years of futile back-and-forth, so they don't know why we're not willing to work it out. At least, this is what I've experienced before any doorslams I've executed. You "just know" it's not going to work, and more importantly, you are no longer willing to try.

My introversion is quite strong, too, so I only have energy to deal with a few "key players" in my life. Everyone else is sort of optional. Outside of this inner group, if you live too far away, or our lives don't naturally interweave, I let the relationship go, not out of anger, just because I don't have it in me to care intimately about you if you're not going to be around. I don't have varying degrees of friendships. I have Friends, and I have incidental Acquaintances. I don't consider letting go of the latter to be "doorslams." Doorslams are when you've made it to the inner circle and it's become clear to me that you can' t be there anymore. If you're an acquaintance who's been let go, that doesn't necessarily preclude us from one day becoming good friends if circumstances allow, but it's rare for me to let a doorslammed person back into my life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
328 Posts
I've slammed the door on a few people.
I might have waited too long to do it in a couple cases, though, resulting in my remaining bitter, and still poisoned by their words that were the reason I finally initiated the door-slam in the first place.
It was mighty refreshing in those two cases. The third, not so much, because I was strongly emotionally attached and I slammed the door on the person because he wanted me to (not because I was ready), so now I avoid that person at all costs, even if it means I miss out on numerous things. :/
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
852 Posts
I have door slammed and been door slammed. If I am honest , I am certain there is a punitive factor involved.
I've doorslammed three people in my life, and yeah, one was DEFINITELY punitive, as in, "You don't get it? Figure it out on your own, Bitch." But the others, really, truly? I was just tired. They both wanted something from me I was never going to be able to give them, and it got old. I felt bad both times, but knew it was the right choice. One of these two people I let back into my life after seven years, and on a re-adjusted footing, our friendship is going well.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,876 Posts
I've doorslammed three people in my life, and yeah, one was DEFINITELY punitive, as in, "You don't get it? Figure it out on your own, Bitch." But the others, really, truly? I was just tired. They both wanted something from me I was never going to be able to give them, and it got old. I felt bad both times, but knew it was the right choice. One of these two people I let back into my life after seven years, and on a re-adjusted footing, our friendship is going well.
In my case, door slamming has only happened with family and partners.
If you say you love me, then losing my love is a punishment for not taking care of it.
I am certain my INFJ ex feels she is punishing me, like I couldn't make it without her.
I have always been fine on my own.
With others, there just isn't the emotional investment to warrant a door slam.
It's just a "walkaway".

Maybe the word consequence would be more suitable than punitive?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
396 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
Ah yes, Dashwood, I have read that thread. Very interesting but it did hurt my head and it has still left me curious for more information from fellow INFJ's. It is very intriguing to me.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Elinor Dashwood

·
Registered
Joined
·
571 Posts
Before engineering college I door-slammed (infrequently). But I kinda got turned into Spock when arguing. I'm one to reason an argument out ad-infinitum.

I was brainwashed I say! Brainwashed!

If an argument ensues, I'm usually the last to walk away from it. I still feel the way I used to when in heated discussions, I just let logic do the talking nowadays.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,610 Posts
For me it is a way to "take out the trash"; some people are not worth my time nor my emotional energy. When a relationship has turned sour and neither of us are gaining any benefit, it is time to sever that tie.
Same here. If it's more stressful to stay in contact with someone than it is to sever ties, then I'm going to do the door-slam. I don't like doing it, but I can only give people the benefit of the doubt so many times before I've had enough.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,454 Posts
Ah yes, the door-slam. It's one of my specialties :) It's just the natural consequence for being a crap hole :) Yes, I've used this technique many times. Why do we do this? I think everyone else pretty much covered it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
245 Posts
Yep. Quite recently too. One of my best friends was involved in a relationship with a girl. He immediately thought she was the girl of his
dreams and proceeded to attempt to take things to a higher and higher level, such as proposing to her after dating her for two months.
Ignoring his family and friends advice to slow things down just a teeny bit he eventually scared her off. He then proceeded to fall
into a state of remorse, self pity, and you name it. During which time he would call me all times of the day and night and being
that I'm the closest thing he has to a brother I would try to spend as much time talking to him as I could. The emotional stress
started to show after I showed up for duty at the fire station one day looking like a half-baked, tweaked out, sleep deprived version
of me. That was when I realized I was trying to take on all of his issues and deal with them as if they were my own, on top of dealing
with my day to day life. I became ill tempered, persistently sarcastic, and according to my room mate it was like dealing with a
live action version of Gregory House. lol..After realizing what I was doing to myself I tried to let my best friend know that I couldn't
continue to hear him gripe about every complaint he had about everything since the breakup. He was using me as an emotional crutch
and I was letting him. So after much talking around the proverbial campfire I shut my phone off to all calls that weren't the fire station, my parents, or my room mate for about two months. I needed the break. -_-' I tend to take everyone's issues on my shoulders so if the individual has actual issues then it's good, if they are just using me as a crutch then I lose patience quickly.

 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,241 Posts
Erm..."doorslam" - more American slang? Does this mean cutting someone out?

I read a bit of the other doorslam thread, and when it comes to break ups, yes when it's over it's over. There's two different reasons I would stop talking to a person I have been out with:

1) They're a c**t
2) It's the best thing for them.

Allow me to explain that second one. It I know someone loves me deeply, and I know what's it's like to be deeply in love, I know not to give them hope. The most painful thing that has ever happened to me is the torture of an ex I love keeping in touch. Continuing our relationship like it was without the sex. I was always wondering if anything might happen, keeping up my hope.

This is well-intended behaviour but it's the worst thing for your ex. If someone loves you, think about what you're like when you're in love, all that hope you have - because you have to have it, without it you're crushed and in terrible pain. Whatever you do when you're breaking up with someone, you're going ot hurt them. That's unavoidable. You get to choose between Quick sharp pain and then resignation, or long-drawn out, but admittedly lesser pain. I choose massive pain for a month or so over months and months of lingering hurt. And that's why I choose this option for my exes. When I was young, I kept in touch with an ex thinking it was the best thing to do. Years later I did the same with someone I loved. The first guy appeared to be fine but then sometimes, when I mentioned my new boyfriend, he'd just burst into tears. The second one, now he left me but he also got upset when I got with other people. The others, I cut ties and I got all sorts of abuse from people who knew them, but then I heard not too long after that they'd moved on.

If someone loves you, why hang around teasing them? Even if you're not deliberately teasing them and you have the best intentions at heart, your mere presence is a reminder to them of their love. Let them forget about you.

And that's what the doorslam means. (It doesn't mean we don't feel really guilty about it, though!)

I don't recognise the behaviour from the poster above in me, though. I tend to allow people to use me as a crutch because I know that I can be like that at times. If I'm inconsolable, I'm inconsolable. Fair enough, I don't phone people at all hours, but I'll become a dreadful bore just talking about my problems and if my depression is bad then I'll be total burden - people will feel responsible for checking I'm ok etc. If I don't speak to anyone for a while or I'm not allowing anyone into my house, they need to break in and help me get around to washing/eating etc. It would be totally ungrateful for me to not offer that service to another person in need. But perhaps this is the reason I'm doing it, to repay people, so it may be a circumstantial thing brought about by guilt.

Oh one more thing: I'm really rude to certain people! I doorslam people who clearly fancy me that try to get in touch all the time on Facebook/Twitter whatever that I don't fancy back. Some of them are quite nice and they're just shy so I politely reply to say I'm not looking at the moment/have a boyfriend or something. If they're a bit predatory, I completely ignore anything I get and hope they'll give up.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17,819 Posts
ukinfj's post reminds me of my facebook doorslam. I had 250 people on my list or something ... whom I had thought were my friends. Well, I deleted my account. The biggest doorslam of my life. And you know what ... it made me happier :) Only 5 of the people on that list were worried. [so I created a new account just for them]. Facebook is not for 'friends', it's nothing more than a marketplace of annoying acquaintances, all competing with each other over who has the best life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
26 Posts
doorslams are something I've been doing since before i can remember. My mom always used to tell me, you get hurt when you want something from somebody and they don't give it to you yet you're always closing the door on other opportunities and not giving it a chance. yes I think this is the curse we have. When we care we really care, and if they don't comply the pain is almost unbearable. Yet when we see someone who's nice yet they just don't understand this, they get along with everyone, have lots of acquantances w/e, they don't undersyand why we're being so cold. It's weird how introverted I am, yet when I care about someone I almost turn in to an extrovert (almost) and they tend to be more introverted than me in that situation. I can't say I've ever deeply cared for an extrovert, gotten close but then they got to annoying i had to let them know I'm not gonna talk to u everyday etc...not a doorslam just a this doors not always open...Lately I have been hurting about a situation not becuase either of us pushed each other away but just because he moved far away and it hurts not to be able to see him, but he texts me saying he misses me and i got on webcam with him once and it's like its lingering but it's not enough to really satisfy so it hurts alot. and i know the only way to fix it is to get rational and live more in reality enough to get my shit together so i can go visit and hopefully one day move there. thats what he waould do and i know if i were to act more rationally he would have much more respect for me than if i were to just run down there right bow off what i have which would be irresponsible. This has been weighing on me to the point where I've been pushing several other ppl away and doorslamming any new opportunities. That can't be healthy but they just don't understand that even if we hung out i know u want more and it's ppl expecting things out of me that drives me crazy and makes me want to shut them out. I've tried to balance that and not expect things out of other ppl too cuz i know how it feels. sometimes I just wish these ppl would just get it already so i could let them in. I'm trying my best not to dwell on it and let the hurt get to me cuz i know I'm doing my best right now and I need to develop my weaker functions to balance out all this. Gonna try to keep hanging out with my closer friends rather than retracting into myself like I've been wanting too.

Whew, I know that was long but i needed to get all that out and i saw this thread just reminds me hey ur shutting everyone out cuz ur depressed...stop it! lol as much as I think INFJ's bitch too much, we just do, and we need to express that to feel better. Thank you for this post.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,610 Posts
I have door slammed ex-boyfriends, an ex-boyfriend's mother (well, whole family), and some relatives who were being very mean to me. I door slammed my father when it finally occurred to me how abusive he was. That was my first "door slam" experience at 13. I am very sensitive and can hold grudges, though I hate that about myself. Sometimes because I am so affected by people I have to have them out of my life to feel okay again -- at least temporarily. However, I try to avoid doing this because I've been on the receiving end and it's very hurtful and scary.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
801 Posts
The phone-hangup works well also. Its a way to avoid the confrontation we find so overwhelming.
 
1 - 20 of 99 Posts
Top