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INFJs and the guilt train when disappointing others?

1716 Views 14 Replies 8 Participants Last post by  Felix5
Hi everyone,

I had one of those "Aha" moments today about myself/my life and I wanted to know if you can relate to this as an INFJ? 

I always feel extremely guilty and sometimes ashamed when I cannot meet other peoples expectations (even unspoken ones). 
Even if I say I’m sorry and the other person assures me that they understand and that it’s ok, it never helps me to feel less shi##y about it.
That’s because I know that internally their expectation is still there and that they’re consciously or unconsciously still disappointed in me or mad at me. Whereby "disappointed" is even worse ...

I wanted to ask if other INFJs experience this too because I had kind of a revelation after watching a video on YT by Tom Davidson called „INFJ & Toxic Shame“. It made me realize that the situation I experienced today is a recurring thing but I never fully realized it before.

 Optional background story:

I’m currently healing from depression and anxiety, so it’s probably even more acute for me then usual. Because of that I had to cancel an event where me and a friend should give a presentation about a project we did together. I already canceled a while ago and she wanted to do the presentation alone today but her train got delayed so much that she didn’t make it in time. So she had a lot of stress (for which I also feel guilty) and needed to ask another friend to fill in last minute.

Even though she assured me that she understands my situation, I always feel the unspoken „you’re not doing your part“ in every sentence she says or writes. I even thought about forcing myself to the event just so she's not so disappointed, but I finally reached a point where I'm not able to act against my own needs anymore.

While contemplating why I always make such an internal fuss about not meeting others expectations I stumbled upon the video. Anxiety/Depression pretty much forced me to stop now and to put my needs first - which is very hard sometimes and often results in feeling guilty because I cannot function how everyone wants me to. But I realized that this situation is pretty much representative for all my life and the reason why I ignore(d) my own wishes all the time so everyone else is happy.

Phew! … That was a long one…

But I think the guilt train may be a thing more INFJs? 
What’s your experience with it?
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Yeah I'm sorry I just realized I managed to put the post in the wrong place *facepalm* xD....I'm reposting it in the right forum and will ask the admins to remove this one! Sorry INTJ's :frustrating:
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That's fine I don't really want specific advice I'm more after other peoples thoughts on it ^^.
Ok, so I'm writing to the admins now and you INTJs can come over to the other forum if you want to join in too ;D
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OK, thanks for re-posting!
Damed, now we're all posting in the wrong thread ;D. Can you copy it over too so I can answer it there?
Hm, now I'm glad I posted in the wrong place anyway. Thanks for your insights! :)

Can I see this video??
I'm not able to post links ... not enough posts yet. But you can just search for "INFJ on toxic shame" on YouTube and it will be the first video in the list.
I think he describes it a bit different than you. When I go with your definition it's definitely not what I have ;). And I'm pretty sure I'm not narcissistic or show any form of destructive tendencies.

I experience something called derealization, which puts me into a frightening state of disconnection.
Yes, I know what that is. My main anxiety issue are panic attacks and derealization can be a symptom. I think it's actually the most disturbing one for most people. I've also learned that the only way to get through it is to accept it and not to push it away. It's pretty much like being ok with the feeling of dying any second. Not the easiest thing to do I have to say ..

I find that as an adult, you need to learn to cope with your own problems. We all experience some form of anxiety and depression at some point in our lives (That's a fact!). These feelings are incredibly natural and it might surprise you to hear that you are depressed for a reason! What is it in your society that is causing you to feel this way? Plenty.
You're right. It shouldn't be normal though, at least not to this extend. Most people don't know that anxiety is the most common mental health issue (on the planet), because a lot of people are afraid to talk about it (out of shame?). At least I don't really give a F about that anymore. I'm also aware that there is a reason for all that. I had slight issues with it before but it only hit hard after my burnout. So yeah, there's a message hidden inside ... And I'm by far not the only one getting that message. But in a society were people want to pop the magic pill for everything I'm not sure it's received that often.

Your description of the current state of society pretty much nailed it. Depressing ... but accurate. If you ever write a book about that let me know, I'll buy it ;)

Feeling is praised above thinking
That's probably the only point I have to disagree with. I guess I know where you're coming from: People being controlled by and manipulated through their emotions, to a point where they can't act rational anymore (?).
But at least where I live, there's not much open talk about or emphasize on feelings and I can't see feeling being praised in the media neither. There seems to be much more emphasis on facts and everything that can be scientifically proven. Which is fine with me. But I think people can't act rational anymore because feeling is still a no-no topic, so no-one can really cope with it and just acts pseudo-rational and is not aware of the underlying emotions that control their decisions.

But ever compared a US news coverage to one in Germany? It's a bit like blockbuster compared to documentary. So I can see how you can think that there's a bit too much feeling in the air in the media.

And thanks for the links to the article and for taking the time to reply!
I should come over to the INTJs more often :)
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