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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I had my first relationship (at first I balked at calling it that but now I guess it was) aged 13 a few years back, and it was an on-off relationship that started out pretty sweet but wound up with him being manipulative and emotionally abusive (yes, 13-14 year olds can be like that!). I ended it, but it wasn't pretty. Recently, there've been several instances where I could've gotten into a relationship, but I found myself quite literally shutting down on the other person. On the outside I'm quite the independent teenager who "needs no man", but on the inside I worry that I'm too emotionally unstable and afraid. I've also asked my ex to take a personality test; he tested as ENFJ while I am an INFJ, but I'm pretty sure I was an ESTP (or at least an E-something) when we were together as it is my negative mirror image. I've changed a lot since then.

Backstory over, here's my dilemma: INFJs out there, how do you get over an unresolved breakup? Even though I ended it, there are bizarre days when I feel like I'm the one being abandoned here, as he had lied to me (among many other things). I still crave the connection we shared (though not with him anymore!), and on bad days I even contemplate going back to him ... :(
 

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First, Let me welcome you to the forum! Tell us something about yourself, visit around, learn a little, have fun!
On your question - teen years are a time of growth - emotional, physical, intellectual, and deep feelings are common. Don't worry about type - just be true to yourself. There is no role model you have to adopt.

The deep, often melancholy feelings you are experience will subside as you grow older, and things are seen in a different perspective. You will not forget, but you will understand.
 

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INFJs out there, how do you get over an unresolved breakup?
Consider writing out answers to the following questions:

1. What is unresolved here? You broke it off for what reasons that are or are not still legitimate?

2. What new boundaries do you want to have in a relationship? Chances are there are some points here to be gained from that relationship.

3. What benefit do you gain from being in a relationship? Do you believe you couldn't be OK being single at this time in your life?

4. While I can understand you wish the good times could come back, the reality is the bad times would also come back and how would you handle this differently?

Those would form the starting point for what would lead me to next steps in moving onward and upward from this situation. Do you have friends, family and communities that meet your connection needs? If not, I'd consider seeing if some of these can be met in ways other than having a boyfriend.
 

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This is such a dynamic time but there's plenty of time to find yourself. For myself, I know that if I've been disappointed in someone I care deeply for, it changed my whole outlook and I've taken to it very personally. This kind of sensitivity found in INFJs is what makes us special. At the same time, it renders a certain degree of naiveté especially when we're young. I too experienced this. One good way to overcome the disappointment, doubts, and loneliness is to realize that there are so many different forms of human connection that are just as deep and meaningful. Instead of focusing on any one person, especially one who is not right for you and you cannot change, start forming bonds or renewing bonds with others around you. Become more involved in your friendships, spend more time with your family (parents or siblings). There's always something new to learn about people, even those closest to you. Also let this be an opportunity to go out on a limb and try to form new relationships that are not romantic. At least in the beginning, because romantic interests have a way of clouding judgment and especially so recently from a breakup, I don't think it's the healthiest to rush into another relationship. I think learning as much about people in general starting from friendships is a good way to learn about others and yourself. The more you interact with as many people, you will get to know who you truly are better and it will be clearer to you what person is right for you. I think our society is obsessed with achieving a "norm." To conform to any one standard or way of thinking I think is dangerous; it promotes conformity and suppresses creativity. Especially when you're young this is the time to push the boundaries and to be as creative as possible. Just because it seems like everyone around you is in some relationship or this somehow makes you more acceptable, doesn't really mean this solves our inner struggles.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Consider writing out answers to the following questions:

1. What is unresolved here? You broke it off for what reasons that are or are not still legitimate?

2. What new boundaries do you want to have in a relationship? Chances are there are some points here to be gained from that relationship.

3. What benefit do you gain from being in a relationship? Do you believe you couldn't be OK being single at this time in your life?

4. While I can understand you wish the good times could come back, the reality is the bad times would also come back and how would you handle this differently?

Those would form the starting point for what would lead me to next steps in moving onward and upward from this situation. Do you have friends, family and communities that meet your connection needs? If not, I'd consider seeing if some of these can be met in ways other than having a boyfriend.

1. I broke it off because he was smothering me, and I was emotionally exhausted from handling and almost "mothering" him. Not to mention my parents didn't know the extent of our relationship and would've disapproved (I come from a very traditional "no dating before 21" type of family) so it was tiring keeping a secret. Those are still legitimate reasons. As for part (i), I guess the unresolved questions are my own, such as did he feel as intensely as I did? or Did he want me just as someone to vent and coddle him?

2. Good question and one that I'm able to answer! I know now that I value personal freedom and space, and I absolutely require honesty; however I need tact and a certain level of sensitivity too, and someone that values me as much as I do him.

3. Oh no, I absolutely believe that I can be OK being single right now. In fact, when I see my friends or acquaintances being in a relationship, I don't envy them at all. But I do want to gain some companionship, especially some male points of view. Maybe it's just loneliness?

4. I wouldn't, or maybe I'll put my foot down extremely firmly this time instead of letting him drag me around like some toy. But I know that they can never come back, because I do have a logical side. Like I said, it's only during the bad days.

5. I do, but as I'm in a girls' school with no guy siblings (or even close cousins), perhaps what I really want is a male perspective but I'm afraid that every male out there has some evil scheme in mind! I do consider myself quite self-sufficient, it's just that I worry my mindset will influence me even in adulthood (thinking about things that will have long-term effects ... another INFJ trait :dry:).

Thank you so much for your questions; as you can see I've already discovered several things about myself!
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
One good way to overcome the disappointment, doubts, and loneliness is to realize that there are so many different forms of human connection that are just as deep and meaningful. Instead of focusing on any one person, especially one who is not right for you and you cannot change, start forming bonds or renewing bonds with others around you. Become more involved in your friendships, spend more time with your family (parents or siblings). [...] romantic interests have a way of clouding judgment and especially so recently from a breakup, I don't think it's the healthiest to rush into another relationship. [...] The more you interact with as many people, you will get to know who you truly are better and it will be clearer to you what person is right for you. I think our society is obsessed with achieving a "norm." To conform to any one standard or way of thinking I think is dangerous; it promotes conformity and suppresses creativity. Especially when you're young this is the time to push the boundaries and to be as creative as possible. Just because it seems like everyone around you is in some relationship or this somehow makes you more acceptable, doesn't really mean this solves our inner struggles.
Wow, your words really speak to me ... especially the last few ones. I have found myself reaching more towards my family and friends; in doing so I realised I have tendencies to lean towards certain personalities and such. However I'm afraid I still have trouble getting romantic interests out of the way, yet I know it's (like what you said) not "the healthiest to rush into another relationship". Thank you so much for your kind words.
 

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@OldManRivers Spoken like someone with experience! If you're truly the age your online bio states you are (haha!) then I hope I'll benefit from your wisdom.
.My three ages: what I want to be; what I am; What I feel like.
History lesson: I was born the morning after Pearl Harbor - not the movie, the real thing.
I turn 73 this year, if I haven't lost count.
(Let me see. . . I was ) in 1941, 3 in 1944. . . yep, 73 in 2014.)
I want to be a lot younger and feel a lot older.

PS- Don't confuse old and gray with wisdom. I am not rich, so. . .
 

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I had my first relationship (at first I balked at calling it that but now I guess it was) aged 13 a few years back, and it was an on-off relationship that started out pretty sweet but wound up with him being manipulative and emotionally abusive (yes, 13-14 year olds can be like that!). I ended it, but it wasn't pretty. Recently, there've been several instances where I could've gotten into a relationship, but I found myself quite literally shutting down on the other person. On the outside I'm quite the independent teenager who "needs no man", but on the inside I worry that I'm too emotionally unstable and afraid. I've also asked my ex to take a personality test; he tested as ENFJ while I am an INFJ, but I'm pretty sure I was an ESTP (or at least an E-something) when we were together as it is my negative mirror image. I've changed a lot since then.

Backstory over, here's my dilemma: INFJs out there, how do you get over an unresolved breakup? Even though I ended it, there are bizarre days when I feel like I'm the one being abandoned here, as he had lied to me (among many other things). I still crave the connection we shared (though not with him anymore!), and on bad days I even contemplate going back to him ... :(
If somebody doesn't want me around, it hurts, but I can usually move on. What stings for ages is if they LIED to me. I beat myself up inside wondering how I could have stupidly trusted somebody like that. I blame myself!

You cannot redeem the lies by giving him another chance. You will probably never get truthful answers as to why he lied. It wasn't your fault.

How do I get over it? Time, mostly. Other friends. Hobbies. Daydreaming. It will hurt for a while and it feels like agony.

Watch the world for a few months, see if it brings you a person you can trust.
 

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I guess the unresolved questions are my own, such as did he feel as intensely as I did? or Did he want me just as someone to vent and coddle him?
While you can ask him, there is something to be said for scale that could make this tricky. What is high for him may not be high for your or vice versa. There is also the question of how much are you expecting him to remember, the most intense moments, least intense or some kind of average intensity over the relationship as a whole?

The vent and coddle would be a harder question to ask in a respectful way. I know when I had my first girlfriend at 21 that it was more of a new toy than someone special and so it didn't work out to put it mildly.

In fact, when I see my friends or acquaintances being in a relationship, I don't envy them at all. But I do want to gain some companionship, especially some male points of view. Maybe it's just loneliness?
Could be. The question is what kind of ways do you meet your connection needs?
 

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Wow, your words really speak to me ... especially the last few ones. I have found myself reaching more towards my family and friends; in doing so I realised I have tendencies to lean towards certain personalities and such. However I'm afraid I still have trouble getting romantic interests out of the way, yet I know it's (like what you said) not "the healthiest to rush into another relationship". Thank you so much for your kind words.
Aww my pleasure and thank you for taking the time to listen :) It's only natural that we feel attraction and deeply want romanticism in our life. But sometimes I think the best way to learn how to love others is to take time to love ourselves, find out who I really am, and do it in a leisurely and fun way! Best to ya!
 

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I don't think I ever really get over any break up.. I am haunted a by a lot of ghosts.
But not getting over something is not the same as not moving on.. I move on.. And I make sure it was not all in vain.. There are always lessons about myself and other people to harvest. My break ups have undoubtedly been the greatest catalysts in my life.
 

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I don't know that INFJs tend to "feel" (or sympathize) for people who treat INFJs terribly and often break up with INFJs first. People that INFJs broke up and treated horribly (silence treatment- breaking up without saying anything) are usually viewed as "they deserved these treatments" and INFJs will never lookback. Why these two types of unresolved hearthbreak are perceived differently? Do you think this trend is true for most of cases?
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I don't know that INFJs tend to "feel" (or sympathize) for people who treat INFJs terribly and often break up with INFJs first. People that INFJs broke up and treated horribly (silence treatment- breaking up without saying anything) are usually viewed as "they deserved these treatments" and INFJs will never lookback. Why these two types of unresolved hearthbreak are perceived differently? Do you think this trend is true for most of cases?
I didn't quite understand the first part of your question, but in my case, if I ever treated someone with a silence treatment or horribly it's either 1. They had hurt me in some way and I am very conflict-avoidant. 2. They are/were mean bullies and I just don't want to associate with them any further. In that case, the answer to your second-last question is that sometimes they're perceived differently due to the amount of hurt that was involved, and I don't know what "trend" you're talking about! o_o
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
While you can ask him, there is something to be said for scale that could make this tricky. What is high for him may not be high for your or vice versa. There is also the question of how much are you expecting him to remember, the most intense moments, least intense or some kind of average intensity over the relationship as a whole?

The vent and coddle would be a harder question to ask in a respectful way. I know when I had my first girlfriend at 21 that it was more of a new toy than someone special and so it didn't work out to put it mildly.



Could be. The question is what kind of ways do you meet your connection needs?
Hmm, he sounds a bit like you when you were 21! (Not as an insult or anything). I don't expect him to have crystal clear memories but I think he remembers as well or even better than I did as he was overall the more intense person in the relationship. But what I meant by "intense" is the aftereffects of the relationship. It's like a cold versus a chronic headache; when you're having a flu you think it's the worst thing ever but you get better after 3 days, but the headache will always come back.

As for your second question, I suppose I meet my connection needs by having a few close friends who share the same interests as me. Daily interactions, plus normal hobbies. But I'm also someone who doesn't mind solitude. Does that answer your question?
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
.My three ages: what I want to be; what I am; What I feel like.
History lesson: I was born the morning after Pearl Harbor - not the movie, the real thing.
I turn 73 this year, if I haven't lost count.
(Let me see. . . I was ) in 1941, 3 in 1944. . . yep, 73 in 2014.)
I want to be a lot younger and feel a lot older.

PS- Don't confuse old and gray with wisdom. I am not rich, so. . .
How does wealth feature in wisdom??
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
If somebody doesn't want me around, it hurts, but I can usually move on. What stings for ages is if they LIED to me. I beat myself up inside wondering how I could have stupidly trusted somebody like that. I blame myself!

You cannot redeem the lies by giving him another chance. You will probably never get truthful answers as to why he lied. It wasn't your fault.

How do I get over it? Time, mostly. Other friends. Hobbies. Daydreaming. It will hurt for a while and it feels like agony.

Watch the world for a few months, see if it brings you a person you can trust.
Indeed, I blame myself too! Which leads me to quite a lot of trust issues (with people of the opposite gender that I've just met). Your experiences sound quite similar to mine ... Thank you for taking the time to share :)
 

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I didn't quite understand the first part of your question, but in my case, if I ever treated someone with a silence treatment or horribly it's either 1. They had hurt me in some way and I am very conflict-avoidant. 2. They are/were mean bullies and I just don't want to associate with them any further. In that case, the answer to your second-last question is that sometimes they're perceived differently due to the amount of hurt that was involved, and I don't know what "trend" you're talking about! o_o
Sorry, I am not a native E-speaker.

My question is "do INFJs tend to ignore the ones they treated bad and feel for ones who treated them badly?"
Why INFJs do not disclose things that hurt them? The INFJs reactions could make the receiver confused and hurtful because he/she may not figure out "What happened?". A sensitive person cannot tolerate the painful of disgraced treatment because he/she is killing himself/herself with tons of questions such as "What 's my fault?". ( regarding bullies, I can understand that they are venoms for society so I only consider a friend/ soul-mate/ sibling or similar people not bullies...)

Just imagine that one day you wake up and realize that when a friend completely disappear forever, a chronic nightmare is just beginning. That will leave a permanent scar in your heart/brain.

It will be much better if everything is clear, the judgement is made right away when you disclose something.
 
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