Personality Cafe banner

1 - 14 of 14 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
So I don't usually post in forums etc., but here I feel safe with other INFJs and I wish to talk to other INFJs about a problem I have experienced to see if this is "typical", if you have experienced the same, how you got round it etc.

So, I've been feeling very lonely for a long time due to difficulty finding people who "get me". I feel very isolated very often, and if not for my INFJ father (who is also my best friend), life would be much harder. I feel this constant yearning inside to create meaningful relationships (both romantic and friendships) with others, where there is reciprocity and understanding. All too often, this need is not realised, and I'm left feeling misunderstood, frustrated and a fool for having such high expectations.

Anyway, what precipitated me posting this here is a sort-of relationship with a guy I was seeing. He was really nice and I thought "hey, this guy might actually understand me". I was very attentive with him, as us INFJs always are, wanting to get to know him and explore his feelings. Unfortunately, I think I took this too far, over-analysing him in way too much depth, wanting to explore all of these things. I thought it would be a great idea to say how I feel and express who I am because I figured that I needed to be honest about who I was from the start, to find out if he would "get me". He, of course, didn't. My thoughts and conversation that I perceived as me opening up were misinterpreted as being intimidating, me thinking too much and overanalysing. This left me feeling very hurt and guilty too, as well as misunderstood again.

I was just wondering if other INFJs have these experiences. This has not been a first for me, it has happened before with a romantic relationship, and afterwards it feels like I have been a complete fool and that I need to stop being so intense? Unfortunately, I can't seem to help myself, having this craving for emotional connection with other human beings, and for intellectual conversation. It also happens with friendships sometimes, though not on quite such an intense level, when you feel that you have given your all for that person and when you need them, they are no longer there. I feel very lonely.

The only reprieve I get from this is interacting with my dad, and also reading/writing. I love coming up with ideas in my head and writing them down to express them. I love emotive parts of books and films, they really get to me, and it's the only time, after from with my dad, that I truly feel "emotionally connected". Anyone else feel the same?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
356 Posts
Unfortunately, I think I took this too far, over-analysing him in way too much depth, wanting to explore all of these things. I thought it would be a great idea to say how I feel and express who I am because I figured that I needed to be honest about who I was from the start, to find out if he would "get me". He, of course, didn't. My thoughts and conversation that I perceived as me opening up were misinterpreted as being intimidating, me thinking too much and overanalysing. This left me feeling very hurt and guilty too, as well as misunderstood again.

I was just wondering if other INFJs have these experiences. This has not been a first for me, it has happened before with a romantic relationship, and afterwards it feels like I have been a complete fool and that I need to stop being so intense? Unfortunately, I can't seem to help myself, having this craving for emotional connection with other human beings, and for intellectual conversation. It also happens with friendships sometimes, though not on quite such an intense level, when you feel that you have given your all for that person and when you need them, they are no longer there. I feel very lonely.
Hi sarahmay -

My short answer is "Find yourself an INTJ": We love to explore and think and analyze and have intellectually-stimulation conversation with INFJs.

My longer answer is that I don't think there's anything wrong with you at all: you probably just tried to engage with the "wrong type" of person. Given that most people are XSXX, it follows that most people are probably not interested in engaging with you on the kind of deep intellectual/emotional level that you want to engage on.

I actually had a conversation with an INFJ yesterday in which I pointed out the fact that her openness and acceptance and willingness to be friends with all kinds of people will inevitably mean that she will end up being friends with some people that (in hindsight) she might not have wanted to be friends with, in the sense that they won't provide her with much of what she is actually looking for in a friendship (e.g. what you have called a "meaningful" relationship"). I also noted that as an INTJ, I am extremely selective in my friendships such that I only pursue people once I have determined that they are willing and able to engage with me the way that I want to engage.

Soooo....perhaps the trick for you going forward will be to be a bit more discerning in choosing the types of people that you spend time with and seeking to ensure that you prioritize investing your time in people that have shown themselves to be able to provide you with what you are looking for...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,530 Posts
Welcome to the forum! I hope you find good vibe and support here. :)

I can identify with the way you chose to act with the guy you were interested in. I did the same thing, from being opaque to being very open. It can be kind of confusing to guys who seek mystery. Some people are not interested in open book. They prefer to turn the page in their terms.

If you linger in the INFJ forum you will notice that the yearning for a close personal relationship is huge. Some lucky ones have found it. The ones that haven't are either seeking or gave up. I am still waiting and hoping for it to happen. Unlike you, I don't have an INFJ father to be my best bud. ;-)

Ni-dom are naturally forward thinking. I've been training myself to be ok being solitary. Believe me it gets easier after middle age. Somehow we become quite comfortable not conversing. We develop interests and routines. We build up a fortress or a safe heaven that we can be who we are. We may have a pet or two to love. If we get a good social circle going, life can be pretty golden. By then, being married or paired up with a soul mate is not a must-have anymore, all things considered.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
Thank you D4P. Yes he was simply just the wrong kind of person. It is very difficult to get over though, because I feel misunderstood again. It's difficult to pick yourself up from. It is so frustrating when you can't seem to find those people that "get you". I think it is just about getting out there and finding those people that are right, but that can seem very intimidating. As you have said in reference to your friend, I find it paradoxical because we INFJs tend to talk to a lot of people and help them (like with our openness, acceptance etc.), yet at the same time, get scared of expressing our feelings in case of being misunderstood. I have as yet to find a balance between being an open book for everyone to read (which inevitably involves getting misunderstood time and time again) and being completely closed off and thus unhappy because there are no emotional connections and people don't truly know who I am.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Thank you chanteuse. :)

Yes, it is very difficult to get that balance between closing off completely and being completely open. I seem to have a tendency towards the latter.

I think that if I had the social circle around me, then the yearning for the romantic relationship would lessen. It is just the yearning for something with others.

Thank you both D4P and chanteuse :) it is nice to hear advice and others' experiences.
 

·
Registered
ENFP 3w2
Joined
·
322 Posts
Hi sarahmay -
My short answer is "Find yourself an INTJ": We love to explore and think and analyze and have intellectually-stimulation conversation with INFJs.

My longer answer is that I don't think there's anything wrong with you at all: you probably just tried to engage with the "wrong type" of person. Given that most people are XSXX, it follows that most people are probably not interested in engaging with you on the kind of deep intellectual/emotional level that you want to engage on.
I agree that you should find a person that’s ENTP/ENFP/INTJ. Your previously partner was definitely a sensor- a type that prefers physical stimulation over mental stimulation. As an ENTP I love intellectual conversations and have a thirst to develop my emotional awareness. Both of which you are looking for. ENTP and ENFPs are very similar as I often find myself in complete agreement with my ENFP friends. However I have noticed that ENFPs are much more open about their feelings than ENTPs, whom approach things more logically. So if you want a more intellectual partner find an ENTP. If you want a more emotional partner pick the ENFP.

As for INTJs - they are super similar to INFJs which is good and bad. The good thing is that you can bond super well in agreement and be mentally stimulated. The bad thing is you will probably find yourself in agreement so much that there would not be as much excitement or growth in the relationship.

As to how to spot an ENTP/ENFP – they are usually super friendly people that LOVE to converse about theory and complicated ideas. They can befriend everyone and anyone, but will only truly become heated up through intellectual conversations. However you’re in luck - I found that I have an immediate chemistry with all INFJs I’ve met. I'm almost certain you will instantly recognize if the guy's ENTP as you both will be able to talk about anything effortlessly.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
Yes I think it was confusing with him, because he enjoys intellectual conversation, but as soon as you start going near emotions, he shuts down from it. He is also nice, just extremely defensive in the area of emotions, and that's why it wouldn't work. He doesn't like analysing or being analysed.

I agree that the best for me would be ENTP/ENFP. I feel that INTJ would be too introverted for me, and it wouldn't balance out nicely, as well as being very similar as you have said.

Talking without filters is a definite must. You have to feel like you can understand each other and not be hiding things. I believe in honesty. Unfortunately, I feel that with a lot of people I have to hide up these things for fear of getting misunderstood. I also find myself disengaging from conversation when it is not intellectually/emotionally stimulating.

Thank you for replying :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,347 Posts
I tend to seek relationships (romantic or otherwise) that are clingy or obsessive in nature. While these traits may be inherently flawed, especially when directed to the wrong person or purpose, I feel that it can be nurtured or groomed into a sort of bond that will be unmatched by others. I think of it akin to hunger where you are never truly satisfied. You constantly crave and desire more in an almost beastial or obsessive manner. In this though, we can say that to be consumed in the literal sense is something that goes against the grain of self preservation. So in a way, I consider it a form of sacrifice, which is something I also value deeply.

I'm all about passion and pushing for greater depths of closeness and in the same breath, you want someone that pushes you as well. Anything less is uninspiring...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
I tend to seek relationships (romantic or otherwise) that are clingy or obsessive in nature. While these traits may be inherently flawed, especially when directed to the wrong person or purpose, I feel that it can be nurtured or groomed into a sort of bond that will be unmatched by others. I think of it akin to hunger where you are never truly satisfied. You constantly crave and desire more in an almost beastial or obsessive manner. In this though, we can say that to be consumed in the literal sense is something that goes against the grain of self preservation. So in a way, I consider it a form of sacrifice, which is something I also value deeply.

I'm all about passion and pushing for greater depths of closeness and in the same breath, you want someone that pushes you as well. Anything less is uninspiring...
I relate to this. I know I am most attracted to people with deep emotional problems, and I have to fight not to give into it. Sometimes I just give in and it's like a drug. It feels so good until all the consequences set in and everyone gets hurt. But then healthy people bore me. ENTPs, ENFPs, and INTJs are great people but to me boring. Give me an f'd up *S** and sparks fly! haha

The fantasy of the *one* is strong in me and has ruled me most of my life. I have had to admit to myself that the hole inside me will never be filled by anyone but me. Being a whole, healthy INFJ, to me, is realizing that you yourself are the *one*, the ideal partner that you are seeking. You are the fantasy companion who understands your every need and desire. You count. You don't *need* someone else to understand you if you accept that you understand yourself. Start shining that love for your ideal partner onto yourself and magical things will happen!

In the meantime, try to have several deep emotional relationships going on at one time. Literally, write down a list of three people and maintain good relations with them. Don't shine your light on only one person. That way it isn't catastrophic if one turns out to be not who you thought they were (which often is inevitable).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,245 Posts
Often it is easier to cherrypick individual traits rather than two or more in others, finding that many can discuss thoughts or deeper topics if the mood is right, however discussing emotions takes more trust, self awareness and deeper understanding than many know how to share (even listening takes confidence and practice some people never fully learn).

Recalling past friendships that could involve only emotions or intellectual propensities, or both but only at low crisis points requiring mutual sensitivity... I still have no idea why friend and familial minded love expressed scare some people away even if well known.
Part of my experience has involved deep but temporary bonds, hoping to one day settle in one place long enough to create a feeling of home internalised and more timeless bonds rather than states of partial transience with assumed moving on points.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,530 Posts
@buttonss

I can relate to your obsession. From 20 to 40 I could identify a person with a hole or a desire within. I befriended this person, thinking I could make him whole or healthy. I knew myself therefore I steered clear of people with serious issues (alcoholics, addicts of any type, grifters and drifters). It was gratifying to see how much I could improve a person. It was never romantic in nature, just this strong desire to make a person better. I didn't befriend many, but the few I made friends with I did make a difference in their lives.

Yes, you are the only one who can fulfill you. This is also what I found out. I've been working on it for the past 10 years. :)
 
  • Like
Reactions: buttonss

·
Registered
ESTP - SEE Fi
Joined
·
4,688 Posts
So I don't usually post in forums etc., but here I feel safe with other INFJs and I wish to talk to other INFJs about a problem I have experienced to see if this is "typical", if you have experienced the same, how you got round it etc.

So, I've been feeling very lonely for a long time due to difficulty finding people who "get me". I feel very isolated very often, and if not for my INFJ father (who is also my best friend), life would be much harder. I feel this constant yearning inside to create meaningful relationships (both romantic and friendships) with others, where there is reciprocity and understanding. All too often, this need is not realised, and I'm left feeling misunderstood, frustrated and a fool for having such high expectations.

Anyway, what precipitated me posting this here is a sort-of relationship with a guy I was seeing. He was really nice and I thought "hey, this guy might actually understand me". I was very attentive with him, as us INFJs always are, wanting to get to know him and explore his feelings. Unfortunately, I think I took this too far, over-analysing him in way too much depth, wanting to explore all of these things. I thought it would be a great idea to say how I feel and express who I am because I figured that I needed to be honest about who I was from the start, to find out if he would "get me". He, of course, didn't. My thoughts and conversation that I perceived as me opening up were misinterpreted as being intimidating, me thinking too much and overanalysing. This left me feeling very hurt and guilty too, as well as misunderstood again.

I was just wondering if other INFJs have these experiences. This has not been a first for me, it has happened before with a romantic relationship, and afterwards it feels like I have been a complete fool and that I need to stop being so intense? Unfortunately, I can't seem to help myself, having this craving for emotional connection with other human beings, and for intellectual conversation. It also happens with friendships sometimes, though not on quite such an intense level, when you feel that you have given your all for that person and when you need them, they are no longer there. I feel very lonely.

The only reprieve I get from this is interacting with my dad, and also reading/writing. I love coming up with ideas in my head and writing them down to express them. I love emotive parts of books and films, they really get to me, and it's the only time, after from with my dad, that I truly feel "emotionally connected". Anyone else feel the same?
Are you hidden in my soul ?

Keep your chin up ! you might be perceived as beein highly demanding, or anything like that but the simple, little, honest truth is that you know what you want.

You just don't have the right person for that yet.

I mean, truelly, read yourself, its basically what is written all over it.

But yes ! feelin the same. I gave a link to @Fern not too long ago and I'm gonna give it to you too, words to consider :

http://www.stellarmaze.com/infj-least-likely-to-be-who-you-think-they-are/

Bottom line : you maybe should open up to more "alternatives" of your desires, and see if one would fit with the kind of affection you need. Sometimes it is all there, just not beein showed in that "perfect" way.

Figure out the love language of people. Figure everything out. We find early on that kind of person we're goin all wrong with and its never too late to adjust yourself. Not to attract that person again.

But to attract more of the same kind (in a way, not literally) ... so you'd stop to doubt, and instead begin to embrace
 

·
Registered
ENFP 3w2
Joined
·
322 Posts
ENTPs, ENFPs, and INTJs are great people but to me boring. Give me an f'd up *S** and sparks fly! haha
I actually do find extroverted sensors to be extremely attractive. They are very fun and exciting to be around, but when I want to take a pause and actually talk with them - they don't have much insight to offer. They will pause with me and say what's on their mind but they will provide little to no logical basis at all. I often find sensor's reasoning to be flawed which makes it impossible for me to have a great intellectual conversation with them. Thus it's only really good to date sensors if you want to have a fling or something short but sweet. Because in the long run, you're going to want a partner that can satisfy you intellectually.

As for ENTPs being boring???????? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTT??? What kind of unhealthy ENTP did you meet??? I'm never boring... at least my mommy says so. >;(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
As for ENTPs being boring???????? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTT??? What kind of unhealthy ENTP did you meet??? I'm never boring... at least my mommy says so. >;(
LOL that's just it! You guys ARE usually healthy in my experience. You are bright and put together. It's because I am messed up and attracted to unhealthy people who are a mess that I say that!
 
1 - 14 of 14 Posts
Top