Personality Cafe banner

1 - 10 of 10 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
87 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hey guys,

I was just wondering how other INFJ's healthily cope with emotional pain? Such as unrequited love, break ups, betrayal... I don't know about others, but my current method of dealing with issues like these is not ideal (self destructive, door slamming, bottling things).

xx
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,048 Posts
I am going through a breakup after 7 years and close to marriage, so I am interested how INFJs deal with it. I need to find a place to live, for me and my wonderful cat that keeps me afloat on this sinking ship, and I don't have that many friends. I am taking anti depressants for some months and thank God I am because I might have ended up killing myself or something. I'm 31. I'm kinda old to restart a relationship from scratch. I should be having children and watch them grow, take the first steps, first words, first coloring book, first many things. Instead, I am down to zero, have nothing and feel defeated by life. My best friend that I loved for these years simply chose to put me into the garbage bin. I don't have any savings, because I put it all in living decent, living somewhat good.
 

·
May Child
Joined
·
1,123 Posts
First of all, I am not really a coper. I like to think I am, but I usually can't push through each day without having a breakdown. I would go so far as to say that 75% of my life is a 'breakdown'. But sometimes, something will happen which is worse than anything that I have experienced and I realise that I really DO need some form of coping mechanism.

So, my advice/method to coping:

1. Tell yourself, out loud, that you need to push through without handling a situation destructively.

2. If there is something, whether it be a phrase/idea/memory/sound that causes you to think or speculate about the problem, you need to either get rid of it or replace it with something else. So, in time this should happen on it's own, but if it doesn't, I recommend distracting yourself as much as possible. E.g movies, music, internet. Being with friends can also help if you try not to disconnect.

3. In particular for INFJ's, write about what you feel, write a song, a book, a poem. Even if it is terrible, it can really help and lead to further creativity.

4. I find baking cakes to be really relaxing. Sometimes trying to enjoy the simple things in life can help. Sit in the sun, sing in the shower.

5. When something happens I want to understand it, I want to know why and how. So, you could try to write down exactly what happened to cause you to feel so hurt and try to unravel it. Sometimes if you can understand why something happened, you might find that it was for the best, or that their are other options than to simply grieve.

That's all I have for now, I will come back when I have more.

Also, in the meantime, you could browse this thread: http://personalitycafe.com/infj-forum-protectors/4737-infjs-coping-hurt.html
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
77 Posts
DBT has been very helpful to me. it combines mindfulness and self-soothing exercises with interpersonal effectiveness and communication strategies. every day I do 10 minutes of deep breathing and visualization exercises that are focused on helping de-escalate distressing emotions as they start to erupt. if you practice it daily it becomes easier to put to use at times when you're starting to get worked up. meditation in general is very helpful, and the mindfulness portion of DBT basically just condenses those principles and presents them in a different way.

I also agree that creative outlets are fantastic. this is really what I've become focused on lately: if I am experiencing some intense feelings or distress, try to put it to use for myself and channel it into something productive. exercise, cooking a delicious healthy meal, writing a poem or some music, etc., just replacing the destructive tendencies with ones that are ultimately positive and uplifting to you, even in some small way, is empowering and can result in immense personal development. it is hard at first, because of course when we're feeling hurt and depressed we have less energy to do productive things, but if you just try to do what you can and build on it from there, it becomes easier. like all things, this is just a matter of practice. :star:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,208 Posts
I don't consider myself having particularly good coping skills, although I have enough self-esteem and self love which translates to wanting to be happy and enjoy life, which fuels my motivation to overcome hard situations.

During hard emotional moments, I need to have time to face and dissect my own emotions, but I also need some balance in order to continue being functional (I have a job after all and can't let myself be too affected for too long). A key is to have better self understanding, and that is not only about knowing how our emotions work but also how we tend to be. For example, I know that I tend to run away from the world and isolate. Fighting against this can be counter productive, but knowing this side can help me find ways to balance this, find alternate ways to both do this and keep being functional. I allow myself to feel down when I can (outside work), calm myself by what comforts me, then analyze and think about the whole thing 'till I have all figured out. Even if I can't figure out everything, at least reaching the "this or that will take time to figure out" is figuring out.

When I can figure things out and reach a satisfying conclusion, and know what I have to do from now on, it makes it much easier to accept and heal.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
556 Posts
Just suffer through it, usually. Popping 5-HTP helps during the first little bit. Crying helps also, but I have to force myself to just let go in order to initiate that - and when I do cry, I laugh my ass off at myself during, because it just seems so silly when you know all the biological reasons and processes underpinning said sadness. I actually cope with it extremely well, thank fuck...

I've found that I can never lose myself in work though, like a lot of other people seem to do. That would be useful.
 
  • Like
Reactions: devsmess

·
Registered
Joined
·
571 Posts
I am going through a breakup after 7 years and close to marriage, so I am interested how INFJs deal with it. I need to find a place to live, for me and my wonderful cat that keeps me afloat on this sinking ship, and I don't have that many friends. I am taking anti depressants for some months and thank God I am because I might have ended up killing myself or something. I'm 31. I'm kinda old to restart a relationship from scratch. I should be having children and watch them grow, take the first steps, first words, first coloring book, first many things. Instead, I am down to zero, have nothing and feel defeated by life. My best friend that I loved for these years simply chose to put me into the garbage bin. I don't have any savings, because I put it all in living decent, living somewhat good.
That's really rough, and I'm sorry to hear that @mystikro . It's completely normal that you are feeling an enormous amount of pain, betrayal, and a feeling of emptiness as if 7 long, devoted years of your life are wasted and down the drain. It's hard to imagine giving your whole self to another for that amount of time only to find out the other person was only giving half or to have it terminate all too abruptly. However, I'm sure you don't regret all those years and with each year in the relationship came new experiences that you can bring to the next one. It's not too late and you're not too old to start a new relationship even though it may feel hopeless. One way to look at it- it's better you found out now that this person wasn't feeling it for the long haul instead of having your first child and finding out later, making it potentially miserable on not only yourself, but your kids. Wishing you lots of love, time to heal, and the strength and resources to overcome this bump in the road ~
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
733 Posts
I am going through a breakup after 7 years and close to marriage, so I am interested how INFJs deal with it. I need to find a place to live, for me and my wonderful cat that keeps me afloat on this sinking ship, and I don't have that many friends. I am taking anti depressants for some months and thank God I am because I might have ended up killing myself or something. I'm 31. I'm kinda old to restart a relationship from scratch. I should be having children and watch them grow, take the first steps, first words, first coloring book, first many things. Instead, I am down to zero, have nothing and feel defeated by life. My best friend that I loved for these years simply chose to put me into the garbage bin. I don't have any savings, because I put it all in living decent, living somewhat good.
I want to be able to give good advice or say something encouraging to you, but I am not sure what to say. Your post makes me feel so heartbroken for you. I think the hardest part for INFJs about breakups, or any kind of relationship ending for that matter, is the strong sense of identity derived from them, as well as the picture in your head for what you want your life to be (what you think it should be). Sometimes, I think we need to let go of that dream, or that identity, and simply accept life as it is without expectations. From talking with other INFJs, I found that breakups are a very common time for us to access and develop Se, and this might be exactly the reason. So you may benefit from going out and just having new experiences, enjoying life in the moment. It will be difficult, especially at first, and you may even feel more sad than happy doing these things in the beginning. It's okay to cry and feel miserable, listen to sad songs, write in a journal. But I think it will get easier with time. I hope that you can start to see your life in a positive light again and realize how much the world is open to you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,151 Posts
I don't know shit.. But, I've had my share of crap, mostly my fault, some not.

Just some fragments in my scattered mind that I can think of now that have helped me get to my present state..

If you're beating yourself up.. Just stop the thoughts.
Don't think where your life should currently be or other coulda, woulda, shoulda's.
Just try and take it one day at a time.
Try and quit bad habits.
Do something for someone else, it'll cheer you up.
Go for walks.
Watch funny videos, movies.
Maybe get a pet if you're feeling lonely.
Life's a journey.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
47 Posts
We all react different to negative experiences, and I feel it's important to understand that there is no one way which is more correct than the other. How we choose to deal with any given situation is not necessarily a reflection of who we are most of the time. Everyone is more or less familiar with how our current mood can change our behavior, sometimes in very drastic ways, which those around us may not be used to seeing, as we rarely have or get to show that side. As such it can hard to read others and even understand ourselves at times.

What your current issue is, it doesn't matter if it's big or small or what others "think" of it. With that I mean, depending on who you talk to, they'll give you a wide variety of answers, ranging from "suck it up" to those that are more compassionate and will dedicate a significant amount of time to really understand you and how it may even cripple you. Patience certainly is a virtue, and I believe it's hard to avoid the importance of it. Would it be fantastic if there was a magical cure to just rid of our the bad feelings we may have from an event. I'm positive most would want just that, however reality currently is that we do need to process and accept things.

The most devastating fact, especially when it comes to how we choose to invest our time, be it on others or things we just in general care deeply about, there just simple is no guarantee with anything. Anything can potentially end in an instant of a moment, too many things in our lives are simply outside our control. No matter how safe we feel with someone or something, there is always the risk of things going wrong at some point. This is perhaps what most people have a very hard time accepting, especially when we've given so much of ourselves. I do not believe there is any way we can fully protect ourselves from experiencing disappointment, however there are many things we can do in order to better how we tackle situations.

I believe for the most part I cope well with negative events, a lot of that has to do with that I've accepted that defeat, failure, tragedy and other things most of us don't like to deal with, is a part of our life too. That doesn't mean that some experiences don't take a long time for me to process, I'm just that kind of person who can't shake things off me as easily as others. There are many reasons as why that is, most of all it's because I deeply commit myself to anything I do. I also know I don't want to live any other way, as it's the most fulfilling way for me to enjoy life. I find people who are consistent, loyal, honest, kind and who know the importance of communication to be among the most beautiful people in this world. That said, even if I prefer only to associate myself with such, that doesn't mean I can't end up being disappointed down the line. However I also do not want to give any less of me to those I do choose to make a part of my life, as that would be against my idea of what makes life meaningful to me. There's no doubt it's a challenge to maintain a balance between negative and positive thoughts, however since everything in life is a gamble, we most choose to believe in someone or something.

Trust can be acquired in many ways, but should never be given or received blindly. I feel that everyone, including myself need to prove our worth to others, no free pass to anyone. Consistency often is a good indicator of someone who has high integrity, and you can find that in all sorts of people. Even people who deeply struggle with some aspects of lives, be it finding work, mental issues or whatever else can be of high integrity, but since we do live in a society where we are taught to judge, we'll often exclude people based on very shallow ideas or beliefs. I don't like judging people until I know them, regardless of their background, age, social status or whatever, although those those that choose to do shall be free to do so.

One of the most powerful abilities I believe I've always benefited from myself, is turning something negative into something positive. Perhaps this is greatly driven by my own desire to lead a happy life, even if circumstances are not ideal. While I understand someone may feel they've wasted 2,5,10 years of their life on someone who say ended up betraying you, that is when our mind clouds our own vision. We forget all the "good" things that happened in that period too, even if things came to an abrupt end and we don't care or want to think about the past joy. Everything in life is a learning experience, and while I often wish people would treat each other better, it is just not within our control to make them do so. Life doesn't stop just because suddenly yours seem to be in ruin, and nor should you stop wanting to go for the things you desire.

When we feel at an all time low, it can be hard to find motivation or inspiration in anything, because what if everything just happens again to me? Well, what if the exact opposite happens! You won't know if you don't try, and this is perhaps what is the hardest for most to do when we are stuck in a self-destructive loop of thoughts where everything spells doom and gloom. You can pull yourself out of that dark pit, but you are damn right it's going to require effort, no one else but you can do it. There may be great advice or perspectives about life given to you from other people, but you do need to be willing to work for something if you want it. It's very rarely things change without some kind of effort.

No matter what has brought you into an emotional turmoil, you do need to understand the following. Not every single person or thing out there will disappoint you. I like to believe I'm a good person, and I'm positive most of the readers here as well consider themselves the same. Unfortunately we sometimes have to go through a lot of crap to find those things in life that bring us the most joy. Forgiveness can be difficult for many to do, but I do believe it is something everyone should consider. You don't have to like what happened, but you need to accept that it did. Even great people screw up at times in ways they didn't even expect, sometimes to the point where things are beyond repair. I don't want to go through life feeling resentful, angry or hating someone/something, because I feel THAT is a waste of space in my mind. It's okay to feel negative emotions for awhile, but don't ever let them consume you. When you let yourself be completely consumed by destructive thoughts, that's when you lose your mind and who you are.

No one makes the best decision when stressed, depressed, desperate or otherwise lacks clarity. The longer you let yourself be upset over something or otherwise let negative thoughts influence your daily day, then the better the hold misery will have of you. There is really no way of saying which way is best for you to find peace, some do it by speaking to someone who they can really connect with, a person who understand them well. Others through meditation and some again are even capable of finding tranquility on their own. There is no shame in any which way you do get better, all I know is that we all deserve to give ourselves the chance to find our own place in life. Everyone fall at times, and while we may lay down for a long time, eventually we can regain the strength to get back up. Sometimes it's really healthy to just let every possible thought run it's course in your mind, feel all the horror and hurt you need to. No one who knows you and truly cares about you is going to judge you or treat you any differently for doing so.

We live in a challenging time, there are so many factors that influence people, more so than ever I'd say. I'm not the complaining type, I don't mind those that complain though, but I can only speak for myself and if I am sincerely unhappy with anything in my life, I know I'll make the change needed so I'll feel better. Don't be afraid to fail, be rejected or not have someone reciprocate your love and kindness, if you do keep an open mind, then eventually you will come across someone or something that will fill you with joy again. Don't let negative emotions be anything more than a temporary visitor, sure they are not the most pleasant type of guest, but once you run into someone more positive, let them stay for as long as they wish, I certainly know I want to stay for as long as possible in any positive home.
 
1 - 10 of 10 Posts
Top