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I originally posted this in the myers briggs forum and then realized i posted it in the wrong place. so, sorry if you're seeing this for the second time!
Anyways, I've been friends with this INFJ for 4 years now, and over the last few months I've developed romantic feelings for him. I've been trying to read him for the longest time but he is so hard to read, so i finally decided to just be direct with him. I was talking to him a few days ago and just asked how he sees me without saying how I feel directly (yikes! i'm still embarrassed i did that ugh. and I didn't tell him how I feel because I don't want to scare him off) and he said he just sees me as a good friend. That killed me just a little, and i'm trying to figure out if there's any hope there or if i should move on. Is it a bad thing to be "friendzoned" by an INFJ when you're interested in him romantically? Or do you think there is a chance that it could turn into a dating relationship in the future? What are your experiences with this, and why do you typically "friendzone" a girl (if you believe in the friendzone, that is)


Thanks in advance!
 

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I don't actually believe in a friendzone, no.
"Law is for lackeys, context is for kings."

BUT, in your case with your INFJ pal telling you he sees you as a friend, he put up a wall there. Even without explicitly explaining your feelings, asking how someone sees you and getting the friend answer means he isn't concerned you would think he isn't interested. There's no worry present on his part, therefore no romantic feelings.

Here, have another quote -
"If it's not a hell yeah, it's a hell no!"
You deserve someone who wants you as much as you want them, and you will find such a person as long as you don't waste your life waiting on no-go guys.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
I don't actually believe in a friendzone, no.
"Law is for lackeys, context is for kings."

BUT, in your case with your INFJ pal telling you he sees you as a friend, he put up a wall there. Even without explicitly explaining your feelings, asking how someone sees you and getting the friend answer means he isn't concerned you would think he isn't interested. There's no worry present on his part, therefore no romantic feelings.

Here, have another quote -
"If it's not a hell yeah, it's a hell no!"
You deserve someone who wants you as much as you want them, and you will find such a person as long as you don't waste your life waiting on no-go guys.

That makes sense. Do you think that means that there is no chance of him developing feelings? I’m going to try to start moving on regardless, because I feel like I already know the answer, but have you ever put that wall up with someone and then taken it down later on?

Thank you for the reply!
 

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♂️ INFJ 5w4 // IEI-Ni
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Unrequited Love with a friend is certainly a thing. It really sucks... I don't know what this guy feels unfortunately.
It seems like he doesn't have the same feelings for you based on what he said, in which case you will have to accept that. Just know there are plenty of fish in the sea~.

However, and I'm just throwing this out there as a minor possibility, he might've also been worried about scaring you off by suggesting he has any deeper feelings. Really I don't think you should feel embarrassed about your feelings, I'm sure he would respect it if you were just direct with him.

I only ever remember "friendzoning" two girls before.
I thought they were sweet for being interested in me. I'm always flattered if a girl likes me, but I just didn't see them in the same way. I was never scared off by their feelings. I just kept them as a friend and hoped they would understand. I certainly wouldn't run away from a 4 year friendship just because they developed deeper feelings. I would just want to talk about it with them.

But, there is always hope I suppose. It took you 4 years to develop romantic feelings for him, right? Given more time he could also develop romantic feels too. I don't want to give you false hope though. I hope you can still find value in a platonic friendship with him even if a romance doesn't play out.
 
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Sure, the friend zone is absolutely a real thing. That said, I don't think it's always a conscious choice to "put" someone in the friend zone. With guys, the decision is usually made up front. We are either attracted to a girl or we aren't, and we can either see ourselves with her or we can't. It doesn't take a great deal of cyphering to come to a decision. For girls, it seems to be a bit different. Their attraction is a bit more fluid and based on a number of different criteria, and their ultimate decision about a guy is more of a conscious choice.
 
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Sure, the friend zone is absolutely a real thing. That said, I don't think it's always a conscious choice to "put" someone in the friend zone. With guys, the decision is usually made up front. We are either attracted to a girl or we aren't, and we can either see ourselves with her or we can't. It doesn't take a great deal of cyphering to come to a decision. For girls, it seems to be a bit different. Their attraction is a bit more fluid and based on a number of different criteria, and their ultimate decision about a guy is more of a conscious choice.
FWIW, I identify more with your description of female attraction here.
 

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I already told a girl that I see her as great friend whereas actually I had a romantic interest toward her. I didn't reveal my interest because like in your specific case OP I was friend with her for several years and I thought I was in the Friendzone. For info she was ENFP as well.

An INFJ male will likely never reveal his true feelings even if there are 90% chances that they are reciprocated because there are 10% chances of failure.

So basically it's either this or Soul roses is right. All in all, if you don't reveal yourself to the INFJ you will never know for sure.
 
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I already told a girl that I see her as great friend whereas actually I had a romantic interest toward her. I didn't reveal my interest because like in your specific case OP I was friend with her for several years and I thought I was in the Friendzone. For info she was ENFP as well.

An INFJ male will likely never reveal his true feelings even if there are 90% chances that they are reciprocated because there are 10% chances of failure.

So basically it's either this or Soul roses is right. All in all, if you don't reveal yourself to the INFJ you will never know for sure.
I don't know how you can bear this.
I would definitely take the risk. A friendship is nice and all, but if I want more from a girl, it's just pure torture to not try at least. I'd rather be rejected and lose the friendship than have years of "maybe" hope.
 

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I've unintentionally friend zoned girls, some of which I've been talking to for years but it's more of a defense mechanism from insecurity feeling like I'm a piece of shit. I find I can be a bit too blunt at times and it's like the way I talk is completely different from how I think so it can lead to a lot of misunderstandings. Only once did I intentionally friend zone a girl, I used to watch her get bullied a lot but I was nice to her and she started talking to me and I was annoyed about something so I was straight forward but she didn't seem to mind and now shes got a boyfriend so I'm happy for her.
 

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I don't know how you can bear this.
I would definitely take the risk. A friendship is nice and all, but if I want more from a girl, it's just pure torture to not try at least. I'd rather be rejected and lose the friendship than have years of "maybe" hope.
I didn't have to bear this, she was in my classroom during highschool and in my largest group of friends (but not my closest) and it was more like "yeah she's attractive and interesting so If I see green light I would go for it but If I don't see it nevermind". I've never been her confident or best friend and I've never suffered that nothing happened between us.
 
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