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Discussion Starter #1
After a frustrating conversation with my sister yesterday I began reflecting how being misunderstood affects me more than it should. When I feel misunderstood, I get upset and my first reaction is to withdraw from the mainstream. I shouldn't let it bother me.

If we are doing all that is necessary that should be enough, because let's face it... the day-to-day world has enough stress already. Do you get muddled over this too? Please share your experiences.
 

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Lately, my sister seems to have adopted a strange, new spiritual vibe that's fed by plenty of yoga and vegetarianism. Yet, when she talks to me, she still reserves a small amount of cynical antagonism for my benefit.

It's a little disheartening and irritating, but I've become pretty good at ignoring it. Sadly, she has much of my father's temperament and will never truly know who I am.
 

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When trying to explain things to people I often resort to analogies because it makes sense in my head and requires the person to actually think... With most people this ends poorly and they take the wrong message away from my efforts :angry:
Which is frustrating and if you try to correct them and they ignore you completely... :dry: :crying:
All this usally comes back and haunts me later :bored:
Its sSOO frustrating when people misunderstand me.
 

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Being misunderstood is something that I think is common in all types (especially when you want to express something and just want others to 'get it').

INFJ's have the unfortunate tendency of withdrawing from things when they get upset (as a way of setting boundaries). As a type, it's easier to withdraw (and think things over) than it is to engage in conflict and become emotionally charged.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Being misunderstood is something that I think is common in all types (especially when you want to express something and just want others to 'get it').

INFJ's have the unfortunate tendency of withdrawing from things when they get upset (as a way of setting boundaries). As a type, it's easier to withdraw (and think things over) than it is to engage in conflict and become emotionally charged.
Yes, when I referred to frustrating conversation, my sister would have probably not known it was frustrating for me as I made out that everything was fine, but the truth was I was feeling judged rather than understood.
 

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Yes, when I referred to frustrating conversation, my sister would have probably not known it was frustrating for me as I made out that everything was fine, but the truth was I was feeling judged rather than understood.
What if you are being judged???

Why does it matter?? Someone else cannot not determine who you are.. A judgment does not mean a person thinks any less of you..

A misunderstanding is an opportunity to learn to connect to others and their thoughts and feelings too.. and share yours...

Instead you put on a mask.. and now YOU feel frustrated..

I am confounded
 

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Being misunderstood is something that I think is common in all types (especially when you want to express something and just want others to 'get it').

INFJ's have the unfortunate tendency of withdrawing from things when they get upset (as a way of setting boundaries). As a type, it's easier to withdraw (and think things over) than it is to engage in conflict and become emotionally charged.
This is my pet peeve with INFJ's. Just wish you'd tell us what your thinking! Even INFP's can't read you're minds, what up with THAT?? If I may give some friendly advice: try harder to express your feelings, it's really frustrating to get the silent reatment -- especially for an INFP. It means to us you don't like us.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
This is my pet peeve with INFJ's. Just wish you'd tell us what your thinking! Even INFP's can't read you're minds, what up with THAT?? If I may give some friendly advice: try harder to express your feelings, it's really frustrating to get the silent reatment -- especially for an INFP. It means to us you don't like us.
Guess that's why I'm here is to learn. It's not easy seeing yourself in the mirror.
 

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Story of my life...

And though I know being misunderstood is prevalent with everyone to some degree, I think it's harder for INFJ's in particular because of our cognitive functions.
We have primary Ni and secondary Fe. The Fe gives us the need to need outward validation of our feelings. When we're upset, to some degree, we need to go to some trusted person to know that we are not crazy or to organize out thoughts a bit.
I know with myself (and I'm sure other INFJ's can relate) that when and if we don't feel understood or that we are not receiving the harmony and validation when need when we come out with our Fe we tend to withdraw from people and go into our Ni for comfort to avoid getting hurt and being misunderstood from the outside world, which can be rather heartbreaking.
Then I know my problem is that sometimes I just need that external validation so much that I'll try again, though I may get to the point where it seems that nobody really can give me the proper validation and need and to the right degree. So then I'm hurt because of that ... so that is compounded on top of the initial issue and emotions. Ahh.

It can be even more frustrating when your dealing with someone who's primary is Fe and someone else that is Fi. Because the primary Fe person is hurt and can't understand your need to be alone and not talk about feelings at times, while the Fi person may not understand your need to get verbal validation of your feelings.

It can turn into one big mess of being misunderstood and emotionally hurt by the external world.
Then to explain ourselves involves further conflict, which is so terribly emotionally exhausting. It's so much easier to just drop it and go into hiding. But then you go into hiding, and people can't understand why your not talking to them. Aghhhh!!

As I say with about every post I make where I'm getting all theoretical, hopefully that makes sense... but it honestly makes sense in my mind!! :tongue:
 

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When trying to explain things to people I often resort to analogies because it makes sense in my head and requires the person to actually think... With most people this ends poorly and they take the wrong message away from my efforts :angry:
Which is frustrating and if you try to correct them and they ignore you completely... :dry: :crying:
All this usally comes back and haunts me later :bored:
Its sSOO frustrating when people misunderstand me.
Oh analogies... how I love them but how it is usually just frustrating for me to say them verbally.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Story of my life...

And though I know being misunderstood is prevalent with everyone to some degree, I think it's harder for INFJ's in particular because of our cognitive functions.
We have primary Ni and secondary Fe. The Fe gives us the need to need outward validation of our feelings. When we're upset, to some degree, we need to go to some trusted person to know that we are not crazy or to organize out thoughts a bit.
I know with myself (and I'm sure other INFJ's can relate) that when and if we don't feel understood or that we are receiving the harmony and validation when need when we come out with our Fe we tend to withdraw from people and go into our Ni for comfort to avoid getting hurt and being misunderstood from the outside world, which can be rather heartbreaking.

It can be even more frustrating when your dealing with someone who's primary is Fe and someone else that is Fi. Because the primary Fe person is hurt and can't understand your need to be alone and not talk about feelings at times, while the Fi person may not understand your need to get verbal validation of your feelings.

It can turn into one big mess of being misunderstood and emotionally hurt by the external world.
Then to explain ourselves involves further conflict, which is so terribly emotionally exhausting. It's so much easier to just drop it and go into hiding. But then you go into hiding, and people can't understand why your not talking to them. Aghhhh!!

As I say with about every post I make where I'm getting all theoretical, hopefully that makes sense... but it honestly makes sense in my mind!! :tongue:
Yes, I find that some people respond in a heated way when we withdraw, then using shame to try to shake us, but that only makes us withdraw more. That's why it's so vital to come to a better understanding about how we are wired. The truth about ourselves does set us free! Thanks for your encouragement over and over again. Don't worry about getting theoretical ... I follow you loud and clear.
 

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ah, the silent treatment. my main defense mechanism.

i agree that most of us feel misunderstood at one point in time. but always? i breathe, eat and sleep misunderstood. i'm so tired of having to correct or defend myself that i just keep quiet. it doesn't help but it puts me a somewhat of a distance from what's going on.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
ah, the silent treatment. my main defense mechanism.

i agree that most of us feel misunderstood at one point in time. but always? i breathe, eat and sleep misunderstood. i'm so tired of having to correct or defend myself that i just keep quiet. it doesn't help but it puts me a somewhat of a distance from what's going on.
Can you clarify what you just said? Ha ...Just kidding. I identify with you 100%.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Oh analogies... how I love them but how it is usually just frustrating for me to say them verbally.
Yes, anything verbal can be too risk taking at times. When I flow I flow, but when I'm overstimulated, I start to mutter or stumble over myself. At least I'm aware of it now and seek to compensate for it in advance now.
 

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This is my pet peeve with INFJ's. Just wish you'd tell us what your thinking! Even INFP's can't read you're minds, what up with THAT?? If I may give some friendly advice: try harder to express your feelings, it's really frustrating to get the silent reatment -- especially for an INFP. It means to us you don't like us.
INFJ's struggle with sharing their innermost thoughts because they:

1. Don't want to hurt others (value harmony)

2. Want to put the right words to describe and articulate them

3. The conversion from what they feel to what they say is difficult: the depth of what they are trying to convey can get lost in translation (which is one reason I think INFJs are usually good at writing: lots of review!)

4. Using internal thinking for that conversion takes time: which is why an INFJ might not respond immediately

5. If an INFJ is mad or upset, they need some time to cool down before sharing their thoughts. If they share them at that moment, they are liable to become more emotionally charged and get into fights.

6. INFJs sometimes carry a lot of little things that have bothered them around (that go unaddressed). When they get angry, everything can come out (even from weeks, months, or years ago).

7. INFJs don't like to snap at other people and some would rather keep those emotions to themselves (than talking about it).

8. INFJs have to trust you to talk about the important stuff. This can take years (although it can happen quickly in some cases).

9. INFJs can have very good insight, but sometimes they can't apply that insight well to their own problems. For a type gifted with clarity of vision, INFJs are sometimes blind when it comes to themselves.

10. INFJs may not be aware of the needs or expectations of another type.

Communication of your needs and desires is important when with any type (but especially with an INFJ).

One thing that I find interesting with MBTI is that people within categories sometimes expect others to know what their type values and how to communicate accordingly. If you don't have experience with that type, you might not know that. It then becomes a comedy of errors watching two types trying to relate to each other using their own types' respective expectations.

Not everyone is the same type! If we were, it would be boring!

INFJs do want to meet the expectations of others and to be close to them. Be patient: they probably mean well.


I hope this helps :)
 

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This thread reminds me of something Ape said to me a while back:
ape said:
It would be cool if you would explain what is going on emotionally so I can see it
INFJs can tend toward passive aggressiveness, holding in emotions when they should be sharing them. It is little wonder INFJs often feel misunderstood, while their friends and family feel frustrated.

I noticed this tendency toward passive aggressiveness in myself years ago. I noticed that keeping my emotions to myself became a barrier to communication and conflict resolution, and served to push away the people that I wanted to understand me better.

So I taught myself to practice openness and honesty with people as much as possible. I guess I learned to be more confident and assertive, although I didn't realise that at the time.

People tend to react really well to it though. I've found it really beneficial to my relationships, and I certainly feel more understood now. For example, I tell people straight out when they've pissed me off, and what it is that I didn't like. They then get the chance to explain themselves, and I can assess what they tell me, ask for more information, understand their perspective, forgive them and move on.

It's awesome.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
INFJ's struggle with sharing their innermost thoughts because they:

1. Don't want to hurt others (value harmony)

2. Want to put the right words to describe and articulate them

3. The conversion from what they feel to what they say is difficult: the depth of what they are trying to convey can get lost in translation (which is one reason I think INFJs are usually good at writing: lots of review!)

4. Using internal thinking for that conversion takes time: which is why an INFJ might not respond immediately

5. If an INFJ is mad or upset, they need some time to cool down before sharing their thoughts. If they share them at that moment, they are liable to become more emotionally charged and get into fights.

6. INFJs sometimes carry a lot of little things that have bothered them around (that go unaddressed). When they get angry, everything can come out (even from weeks, months, or years ago).

7. INFJs don't like to snap at other people and some would rather keep those emotions to themselves (than talking about it).

8. INFJs have to trust you to talk about the important stuff. This can take years (although it can happen quickly in some cases).

9. INFJs can have very good insight, but sometimes they can't apply that insight well to their own problems. For a type gifted with clarity of vision, INFJs are sometimes blind when it comes to themselves.

10. INFJs may not be aware of the needs or expectations of another type.

Communication of your needs and desires is important when with any type (but especially with an INFJ).

One thing that I find interesting with MBTI is that people within categories sometimes expect others to know what their type values and how to communicate accordingly. If you don't have experience with that type, you might not know that. It then becomes a comedy of errors watching two types trying to relate to each other using their own types' respective expectations.

Not everyone is the same type! If we were, it would be boring!

INFJs do want to meet the expectations of others and to be close to them. Be patient: they probably mean well.


I hope this helps :)
This was more than helpful. I will need to reread it ... it's that good!
 

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INFJ's struggle with sharing their innermost thoughts because they:

1. Don't want to hurt others (value harmony)

2. Want to put the right words to describe and articulate them

3. The conversion from what they feel to what they say is difficult: the depth of what they are trying to convey can get lost in translation (which is one reason I think INFJs are usually good at writing: lots of review!)

4. Using internal thinking for that conversion takes time: which is why an INFJ might not respond immediately

5. If an INFJ is mad or upset, they need some time to cool down before sharing their thoughts. If they share them at that moment, they are liable to become more emotionally charged and get into fights.

6. INFJs sometimes carry a lot of little things that have bothered them around (that go unaddressed). When they get angry, everything can come out (even from weeks, months, or years ago).

7. INFJs don't like to snap at other people and some would rather keep those emotions to themselves (than talking about it).

8. INFJs have to trust you to talk about the important stuff. This can take years (although it can happen quickly in some cases).

9. INFJs can have very good insight, but sometimes they can't apply that insight well to their own problems. For a type gifted with clarity of vision, INFJs are sometimes blind when it comes to themselves.

10. INFJs may not be aware of the needs or expectations of another type.

Communication of your needs and desires is important when with any type (but especially with an INFJ).

One thing that I find interesting with MBTI is that people within categories sometimes expect others to know what their type values and how to communicate accordingly. If you don't have experience with that type, you might not know that. It then becomes a comedy of errors watching two types trying to relate to each other using their own types' respective expectations.

Not everyone is the same type! If we were, it would be boring!

INFJs do want to meet the expectations of others and to be close to them. Be patient: they probably mean well.


I hope this helps :)
Yeah I think your definitely on to something with that. Certainly beneficial.
 
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INFJ's struggle with sharing their innermost thoughts because they:

1. Don't want to hurt others (value harmony)

2. Want to put the right words to describe and articulate them

3. The conversion from what they feel to what they say is difficult: the depth of what they are trying to convey can get lost in translation (which is one reason I think INFJs are usually good at writing: lots of review!)

4. Using internal thinking for that conversion takes time: which is why an INFJ might not respond immediately

5. If an INFJ is mad or upset, they need some time to cool down before sharing their thoughts. If they share them at that moment, they are liable to become more emotionally charged and get into fights.

6. INFJs sometimes carry a lot of little things that have bothered them around (that go unaddressed). When they get angry, everything can come out (even from weeks, months, or years ago).

7. INFJs don't like to snap at other people and some would rather keep those emotions to themselves (than talking about it).

8. INFJs have to trust you to talk about the important stuff. This can take years (although it can happen quickly in some cases).

9. INFJs can have very good insight, but sometimes they can't apply that insight well to their own problems. For a type gifted with clarity of vision, INFJs are sometimes blind when it comes to themselves.

10. INFJs may not be aware of the needs or expectations of another type.

Communication of your needs and desires is important when with any type (but especially with an INFJ).

One thing that I find interesting with MBTI is that people within categories sometimes expect others to know what their type values and how to communicate accordingly. If you don't have experience with that type, you might not know that. It then becomes a comedy of errors watching two types trying to relate to each other using their own types' respective expectations.

Not everyone is the same type! If we were, it would be boring!

INFJs do want to meet the expectations of others and to be close to them. Be patient: they probably mean well.


I hope this helps :)
Absolutely!
 
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