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Discussion Starter #1
Hello fellow INFJ's :proud:

How do all of you fare with the ol' "door slam" trait? I have had done some pretty epic door slams in my life, in fact I may be a little slam-happy. Its something I am trying to improve because, as any door slammer knows, once you've slammed that door shut, its highly likely there will be no opening it in the near or distant future.

I am currently fighting the urge to slam a door. It makes me a little twitchy. Like, "Gawd-damn I wanna slam this door so closed that you won't know what hit you. Ever. Because I wont open the door to tell you what hit you. Ever." The problem is, the person I want to slam the door on isn't really the problem, I'm the problem in that I shared too much of myself, its bit me on the arse and now I'm resentful and regretful of sharing that part of myself. You know?

Anyway, what are you lot's experiences with the door slam and trying not to do it?
 

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I think the way I justify no more door slamming (Unless completely necessary) is the fact that ignoring someone or appearing apathetic towards them is truly the most hurtful thing we can do. The opposite of love isn't really hate in my opinion, it is a lack of emotion or caring towards the person. Most good people want to communicate and have themselves be heard, they want to understand and be understood.

A well adjusted INFJ (Among other types) has the beautiful gift of being in tune with understanding others. Our core motivations lie in insight and the communication of those epiphanies. So, in a way, the door slam is one of the most hurtful and immoral things we can do. We are subconsciously inflicting a pain onto someone that would be the worst possible pain for us to experience. Nothing is worse than being shut out and cut off, with no closure or expression of pent up emotions and no resolution of conflicts.

It's so difficult to keep putting yourself out there and being cordial to those who have hurt you, but I think you may find yourself more satisfied overall with taking the higher road and standing your ground by being good and kind to all, regardless of whether or not they deserve it. (There are definitely exceptions if your safety is threatened or the person is literally straight up malicious)
 

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Hehe, I can share:
I've never door slammed intentionally, But I' have been door slammed before.

She was a friend I met in the last year of elementary, we were extremely close. After the first year of junior high we stopped talking for a bit, we just got so busy with our family and we live on the other end of the city from each other; we just lost touch.
The the last year of junior high, we reunited (mostly via social media) and got pretty close to each other again.

But me, at this age, I was barely beginning my Fe phase of development and I was miserably absentminded. Though I always enjoyed talking to her, (I thought she was a beautiful person, my only real friend, I would have jumped in front of a bullet for her), I think she felt neglected and misunderstood, and that we had a shallow relationship. One day she stopped talking to me and utterly ignored me in every way she possibly could.
I understand how she felt this way. I was going through some family situations, money was tight and I was about fourteen; I couldn't just pull transportation out of the back of my pocket.. though she was there for me, I wasn't always there for her.

I now look back: I did try multiple times to get together, I was always the one to call first, I gave her all the appreciation and gratitude she deserved, I invested more energy then I had into keeping our relationship going just to have the door slammed in my face.

So, this is really why I never door slam because most of the time, It's out of ignorance, selfcenteredness and ingratitude.

My advise is to try to see the relationship from their perspective, it may not be working now, but a little grace goes a long way!
 

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I have never doorslammed anyone. I have had plenty of opportunities, but have always forgiven people who tried to make it right, even though I hated myself for doing that at times. (This is exclusive of all the insignificant and terrible people I met back in highschool that I'm glad I will never see again). But for me to doorslam someone, they have to go really, REALLY far.

Just as a side note (don't wanna discredit this thread), I think this whole INFJ doorslam thing is a bit overdone and idealized. I really don't believe INFJ is the only type that does it, like some people believe. I mean.. it makes no sense at all. Every human being has the capability to emotionally shut out someone from their life if they crossed that line. It just seems like the INFJ community has idealized this thing more than other types, have additionally tried to rationalize it with type logic, and that because of that it has apparently become "an INFJ thing". Just had to say that as it has been bothering me for some while.
 

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Although door slamming all the time may not be a good thing, I find that door-slamming in a few instances allows me to cut out the negativity and move on. Otherwise, I'm stuck thinking about it and focusing on it and forgiving things I shouldn't and that all takes quite a bit of energy and time. There sometimes comes a point where continuing a relationship is simply not worth it anymore and the effort put in isn't equaling the effort put out by the other person.

That's me rationalizing the why. For me, it's not something that happens often, but I guess how I avoid it is I try to think of the redeeming qualities in the relationship and try to breakdown my reasoning for the door slam and whether it is justified. This can be hard to do especially since I find that door slamming a lot of the time can be done in a period of intense emotion or deep hurt and rationalizing it in that moment can be very difficult.

I can definitely relate with being regretful of sharing a close part of yourself only to have it come back and bite you in the butt. I don't really know the full situation and whether this person deserves a door slam, but you could try taking a deep breath and rationalizing. Maybe sharing that part of yourself may have seemed like a bad idea in the moment, but it could possibly open the door to further communication and a closer connection in the future? Being open requires a certain amount of risk and it may come back to bite you, but there's no way of knowing that. So I wouldn't say it's your fault either.
 

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Just focus on improving your relationship to said person. Being a bit vulnerable isn't always a bad thing and you might learn something in the process, just don't run away from it by shunning someone that doesn't deserve it.
If you shared too much of yourself, perhaps you did it because you really had to.
 
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I am definitely a door-slammer. I suppose it's that need for closure that Js have, but our type takes it to the extreme.

I was very stubborn about it, and I don't like thinking about the people that I've hurt because of it. Granted, some of the door slams were necessary (I had one person who was actively trying to control my life. Can't say I ever want to see her again), but the majority of them weren't.

When I was twelve I, for some reason, was under the impression that I was "supposed to" doorslam my best friend of eight years. There wasn't any cause in particular, I just felt that it was time to move on. My ISFP friend did not feel the same way, and several years later I heard through the grapevine that she had been bitterly ranting about how much my doorslamming had hurt her. I can't say for certain whether I made the right choice or not. She's living a pretty crazy life nowadays (drugs, illegal activity, etc.), but I wonder if I could have somehow prevented that. I'll never know.
 
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@LadyJane

I'm fighting a door-slam right now as well. Now that I've learned what door slamming is and that I've habitually done it in the past, I do not want to do it again! I think the key is finding compassion for that person. I think it has to be a very mindful and deliberate process. Sit down and write a list of this person's good qualities and/or a list of how you can reach out to them (as well as a list of your personal boundaries with this person).

I'm having a really hard time with a particular friend from school. She's a very jealous, manipulative and narcissistic person when she's unhealthy but when she's at her best she's one of the sweetest, charismatic people you'll ever meet. I've had The Hardest time resisting shutting her out of my life. I think this forum and the fact that I'm her only friend has made me try and fight my natural urges to shut her out. In a way I've put a lot of distance between us and that can be good just to get yourself emotionally prepared but don't wait too long! I have and it could easily turn into a door slam if it wasn't for the fact that we are in the same college program and start school in a week.

Good luck and don't forget that this isn't just going to be best for that person but for you as well because instead of shutting this person out you can exercise your right to boundaries!
 

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I doorslam whenever I feel the need and I never beat myself up over doing it. I usually give a person 3 chances or sometimes more. I have only ever regretted UNslamming a couple of doors; in both cases it led to the person ***ing with me more than ever before, so I guess I have gotten tougher in my old age and now I see the need for it sooner than I did when young, when I might rather (then) have made a lot of excuses for the bad behaviour of others.
In one case in last couple of years it actually helped me move on from an unhealthy obsession I had with an INFP I was hung up on.
It doesnt happen that often though, as I tend to spot trouble or incompatibility with a person now sooner, based on my life experience and knowledge of MBTI, and whatnot.
 

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Hello fellow INFJ's :proud:

How do all of you fare with the ol' "door slam" trait? I have had done some pretty epic door slams in my life, in fact I may be a little slam-happy. Its something I am trying to improve because, as any door slammer knows, once you've slammed that door shut, its highly likely there will be no opening it in the near or distant future.

I am currently fighting the urge to slam a door. It makes me a little twitchy. Like, "Gawd-damn I wanna slam this door so closed that you won't know what hit you. Ever. Because I wont open the door to tell you what hit you. Ever." The problem is, the person I want to slam the door on isn't really the problem, I'm the problem in that I shared too much of myself, its bit me on the arse and now I'm resentful and regretful of sharing that part of myself. You know?

Anyway, what are you lot's experiences with the door slam and trying not to do it?
What exactly do you mean by door slamming? Just ignoring people completely? Or is it a conversational technique?
 

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What exactly do you mean by door slamming? Just ignoring people completely? Or is it a conversational technique?
It's when a person gets really tired of dealing with someone and they "slam the door" on the relationship.

Example: I dated a guy with narcissistic personality disorder about two years ago. He was dangerous and very bad for my mental health. When I finally had enough and realized I couldn't fix or help him and that he was emotionally abusive, I cut all ties and never looked back.

I rarely door-slam anyone. In fact, there are only 3 people I've done it to that I can think of.
 

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What good comes out of punishing this other person if what you said is true and you're the one with the problem?

At least talk to this person and give them some closure/a reason if you truly want them out of your life.

Though I think what would be even better is just asking for some distance right now and letting it play out as it will, rather than doing something as emotionally painful (to them) as doorslamming them. It's not a nice thing to do, and if this person hasn't been abusive to you, unnecessary...
 

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Discussion Starter #13
What exactly do you mean by door slamming? Just ignoring people completely? Or is it a conversational technique?
I've done this my whole adult life and other INFJ's I've talked to have done or still do it as well. I never had a term for it until I saw "INFJ door slam" described in a meme - it's not neccessarily a physical action for me but a moment inside when my heart slams shut and I cease to give a person any more emotional input. Usually as a result they physically end up no longer a part of my life because I've stopped investing time in them.

The truth is, I think its almost just as hurtful to myself in the long run as it is for them. I've doorslammed people in the past that to this day I miss.
 

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It's when a person gets really tired of dealing with someone and they "slam the door" on the relationship.

Example: I dated a guy with narcissistic personality disorder about two years ago. He was dangerous and very bad for my mental health. When I finally had enough and realized I couldn't fix or help him and that he was emotionally abusive, I cut all ties and never looked back.

I rarely door-slam anyone. In fact, there are only 3 people I've done it to that I can think of.
Is it possible to casually door slam? Like you get so anxious and annoyed and frustrated at the person but in a long term low key way, so one day you just ignore them and you don't have the intention of talking to them again so you just stop. I have done this out if fear before and I think it was due to social anxiety. But it was the most non dramatic thing I literally just stopped.
 

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@awhiterabbit
That's a door slam all right. It doesn't have to be dramatic; it does have to be final. It has to be in the heart. Once you have firmly decided you simply don't care about that person any more, at all, and you stop talking to them....that's it. The door has been slammed. It's called a door slam because it is abrupt and passive-aggressive. It is the sudden release of pent up anger and frustration in a total emotional shutdown. The drama is on the inside, not the outside. You simply decide that it is over between you and that person. Shut the door. Throw away the key. Ignore any knocks.
 

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I haven't permanently door slammed...yet, but I've come really close. Instead I change the door's lock, lock the door, and redecorate the room that door led to before allowing a person back in. Once I have removed the objects/subjects of their focus from the room they change their tune. They have to find something else of which to cling. To see this metaphor in silent action is surreal to say the least. They know I am on to what is making them tick about me and when I remove that focus and reshape it into something else, it scares them and they back off...for a little bit. I don't ignore people, but I do become emotionally distant and that scares those around me who are too comfortable and dependent with me as their emotional sounding board. Where words fail, sometimes emotional withdrawal is the only leverage I have in a situation and it's terrible it even has to reach that point before the other party gets the point and takes me seriously. I don't regret my actions one bit.
:dry:
 

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I don't doorslam unless really hurt. I am willing to forgive a lot, but not forever and definitely no things that are too hard to endure. Doorslamming everybody on the slightest thing means you'll quickly run out of people around you. That's just Fi out of control. I think you should think if the reasons you doorslam are your inflexibility or the other people's profound defects.
 
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I haven't permanently door slammed...yet, but I've come really close. Instead I change the door's lock, lock the door, and redecorate the room that door led to before allowing a person back in. Once I have removed the objects/subjects of their focus from the room they change their tune. They have to find something else of which to cling. To see this metaphor in silent action is surreal to say the least. They know I am on to what is making them tick about me and when I remove that focus and reshape it into something else, it scares them and they back off...for a little bit. I don't ignore people, but I do become emotionally distant and that scares those around me who are too comfortable and dependent with me as their emotional sounding board. Where words fail, sometimes emotional withdrawal is the only leverage I have in a situation and it's terrible it even has to reach that point before the other party gets the point and takes me seriously. I don't regret my actions one bit.
:dry:
I have totally done this before as well. It's like a less harsh door slam.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
It doesn't have to be dramatic; it does have to be final. It has to be in the heart. Once you have firmly decided you simply don't care about that person any more, at all, and you stop talking to them....that's it. The door has been slammed. It's called a door slam because it is abrupt and passive-aggressive. It is the sudden release of pent up anger and frustration in a total emotional shutdown. The drama is on the inside, not the outside. You simply decide that it is over between you and that person. Shut the door. Throw away the key. Ignore any knocks.
Spot on. You've exactly described what I was trying to when I say that I feel the door slam in my heart. It's like my heart just seizes. No more emotional output.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Doorslamming everybody on the slightest thing means you'll quickly run out of people around you. That's just Fi out of control. I think you should think if the reasons you doorslam are your inflexibility or the other people's profound defects.
Two things, first: can you explain to me more about what it means to have Fi that is out of control?

Second, you're last sentence is very resonant with me. The situation has been semi resolved. I resisted the doorslam but it was blimmin' hard. It wasn't until the friend called me out on what I was doing and said they still loved me, that I realised I was trying to push them away or "slam the door" so that I couldn't be hurt. It was me being inflexible in my closed-off-ness, not some fatal flaw of their own.
 
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