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Discussion Starter #1
E.g. were you reserved, skeptical, pulling on a cool, disinterested exterior, but secretly yearning to find that 'cosmic bond'?

Did you wait until you knew your (potential) partner better before going out (to confirm that s/he would 'get' us and our unique perspective on things) or did you go on a date immediately and hoped for the best? Who asked who out first?

... and did it all work out in the end?

I tend to be very selective about who I go on dates with, and when a potential 'match' appears on the horizon, I get very excited but also very nervous, and all these questions keep cropping up: do they have a vivid inner world like me? do our aspirations match? are they not afraid to be a little different from mainstream? will they find me weird? ... would they love me as much as I think I will for them?

I think INFJ's tend to equate love with something on a spiritual level ...

So I'm just wondering how you guys handled it - as an INFJ falling in love.
 

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I try to avoid it...
because
-I am nervous
-I am not able to speak to woman, I like "this way"
-all my rejections are still burning inside my heart^^
-they dont "understand" my approaches...
btw. I like/love the INF-women, but its extreme hard (for me) to break their shells -.- (and for the E-women, I am too I^^)

+I tend to differ between "work" and "no work", most people I met... in work. Work & Relationships (imho!) dont work good.
 

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@jenecis
Firstly, a health warning: I'm a "baby boomer", meaning i'm pretty old! so you'll probably want to take that into account as you read what i say....

Did you wait until you knew your (potential) partner better before going out (to confirm that s/he would 'get' us and our unique perspective on things) or did you go on a date immediately and hoped for the best? Who asked who out first?
Once I was interested in a female work colleague and was happy to get to know her through interactions at work, and at a club after work, before asking her out. But usually it's through the process of dating itself that the woman and I get to know each other.

I've been asked out by a woman just one time I think. Usually it's me asking out the woman, as you'd expect really.

... and did it all work out in the end?
Well, in as much as i'm single right now I guess the answer is no! But i've had a few good romantic relationships, my most recent one for example lasted over 3 years. But 3 years isn't the same as "happy ever after".

I tend to be very selective about who I go on dates with, and when a potential 'match' appears on the horizon, I get very excited but also very nervous, and all these questions keep cropping up: do they have a vivid inner world like me? do our aspirations match? are they not afraid to be a little different from mainstream? will they find me weird?
Normal questions & normal feelings I reckon especially "very excited but also very nervous". Dating is all about getting to know each other and finding answers to those kinds of questions.

... would they love me as much as I think I will for them?
This is a risk of course. I've fallen in love with the woman but she's not felt the same. Am also aware of at least one time where it's happened the opposite way round.

I think INFJ's tend to equate love with something on a spiritual level ...
Yep, certainly more than just physical attraction. For me an emotional connection is needed - being on a similar wavelength, understanding each other quite deeply.

So, are your questions because of something happening in your life right now?
 

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I have only dated 1 person for one week, and while we dated the only thing we got to do is play the question game where I would ask her a question, she'd answer, I would answer my own question, and then she would do the same and take turns. Besides that, we didn't get to actually go on a date because her mother was dying of cancer and she had to take care of her (I offered help, she rejected) and go figure she asked me out and told me when it was over.
Since then all of the people I have taken interest in I have gotten to know before hand, but have either been told straight up that they did not like me before I could even think about asking them about a date, or I have been too nervous and therefore haven't asked yet. As I see it the only person I can hope to be with is this ISFP lady I fancy, and our friend who is an INFP told me a while ago that she did like me a little but wasn't 100% sure and I haven't questioned it since then our of fear.
 

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I forgot to add this and do not feel like editing: I have not loved but have instead felt a deep sense of caring for my ex, but she didn't seem to care in return as she had shown through asking me about a long distance relationship (she was only in my city because it's near cancer treatement centers and when her mom died she moved) then turned around and went for somebody else within the 3 week time period that it took for me to make up my mind after giving her advice about how to deal with everything that she also seems to have ignored...

Also, I equate all forms of love to a spiritual form, because I view love itself as an energetic connection much like an unbreakable string that can be strengthened, weakened, or can evolve based off of what the two people involved want. The forms of love I see are love of existance, family love, friendship love, and relationship love (which I have not experienced yet), so I'm looking for the person who is not only willing to strengthen that bond with me on a relationship level, but is willing to take this loving energy that I have and turn it into something that we both can share together, like a form of art.
 

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this. that is all.

I try to avoid it...
because
-I am nervous
-I am not able to speak to woman, I like "this way"
-all my rejections are still burning inside my heart^^
-they dont "understand" my approaches...
btw. I like/love the INF-women, but its extreme hard (for me) to break their shells -.- (and for the E-women, I am too I^^)

+I tend to differ between "work" and "no work", most people I met... in work. Work & Relationships (imho!) dont work good.
 

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Not sure.. I tend to have a lot of red flags up though b/c I am picky and independent, I will tell you that. Biggest thing for me at this point is probably aspiration and lifestyle choices.
 

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Reading this thread has me pondering if I'm really an INFJ. Seriously, because i'm usually the one to admit feelings first.
I'll ponder If the likes me back, but I'll be the one to ask "what is this?" first.
 

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Reading this thread has me pondering if I'm really an INFJ. Seriously, because i'm usually the one to admit feelings first.
I'll ponder If the likes me back, but I'll be the one to ask "what is this?" first.
I usually never disclose my feelings first :p
 

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E.g. were you reserved, skeptical, pulling on a cool, disinterested exterior, but secretly yearning to find that 'cosmic bond'?
Yes, yes, yes, to all of the above! That is the story of my life. I tend to prepare myself for the absolute worst in terms of relationships. As soon as I see a guy I'm attracted to I'm immediately trying to look away and pretend like I couldn't care less about him. I think this is because of the burns from the few times I have let that yearning shine through. Most people can't handle how much I can care about someone.

I do better after knowing them. I'm really uncomfortable doing "dates" and asking people out. I feel like it's awkward and forced. If you enjoy someone's presence, that should be all the reason you need to hang out. That said, I tend to still be too shy to initiate with others and for whatever reason no people that I'm interested in initiate with me. This is actually a big source of insecurity in my life, leading me to think I'm some ugly, awful creature even though I don't want to believe that.

Essentially all potential relationships go like this: I meet someone and become attracted. I talk to them subtly, get to know them more and grow to like or even love them. I sheepishly follow their every move at group events, but do no more than try to talk to them the whole time. As indirect as my cues are, the insightful guys out there can pick up that I like them. I can't really hide my true feelings from showing in my body language and face, unless I really focus. There has been only one guy who responded to my cues in the past and he was an awful kisser and in general a really huge push-over. My personality was like a gust of wind that would flatten his ego, and I'm not even that strong-willed. Anyways, most guys don't care or don't realize. I won't make any risky moves, so if they don't give me easy opportunities to poorly seduce them then I usually end up pining away after them pointlessly for months before accepting defeat and forcing myself to move on.
 

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My wife had asked me out first. ;-) I knew I wanted to spend my life with someone special, and I was lucky. It all worked out ok. Married her six months later! She's my partner in everything: business, spiritual, etc. But she's very different from me; for one she's extraverted. Not sure what her MBTI is though.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
So, are your questions because of something happening in your life right now?
Yep - for the first time, I've actually met a guy that is seemingly a good match for me. Physically, I had been attracted to him for about a year (you know, the cute guy/girl that catches your eye as they walk into class), but, like always, I downplayed it, figuring nothing could come out of it (I barely knew him!), and did the whole admiring-from-afar thing.

Recently, he was in a function I was involved in and we ended up striking a conversation where I realised that we shared very similar interests. I'd love to get to know him better. He seemed genuinely interested in me too.

Except, I've never been the one to make the first move. In the past, I've been lucky enough for guys to ask me out (and me to turn them down and say let's-be-friends ... damn INFJ pickiness (my usual reason: they didn't share my long-time aspirations or similar view on life)), but here I finally met someone that I really want to get to know better.

In reply to Kyandigaru's post, I'm never the one to admit my feelings, because I hate the feeling of being exposed. I'm not scared that I'd get rejected (and I've got a healthy enough ego to take it in my stride) - it's just having my feelings out there in the open, so vulnerable, so real. I'm used to keeping things bottled inside, so it feels scary to let it out. Particularly to someone you don't know that well.

I'm just curious to see how other INFJ's handled it.

I feel like it's more comforting for me to be apathetic (or at least feign it), rather than take the risk and potentially make a fool out of myself.
 

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Love is very spiritual for me. All my relationships happened after already being friends and getting to know the person. I don't like "dating." My heart is usually very open and it is easy for me to love people. It's also hard for me to give up on people, even if it really is best that I leave the relationship.
 

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my now-husband and I were friends for nearly a year, before Ifinally had to ask him WHAT ARE WE!? because I was so confused, and was sure he mustn' like me 'that way' and yet, he'd walk me home from class in university, and always seemed to be whereever I was. I was sure that no guy would like me! I went on my first 'date' with him when I was 21, and only because mutal friends FINALLY intervened and told me how he felt about me, I couldn't believe it.. and of course I was crazy about him, but in a cautious way, because I was sure it would never be reciprocated. And even when we finally went out, we took things verrrrry slow. I managed to find an amazing INTJ who 'got' me, and was cautious and prudent about everything too... We're both happy to be married to someone who understands us, and I don't evny anyone out there trying to find that someone!
I often have huge crushes on people, not sexual at all, I just LOVE who they are, want to know everything about them. I fall hard. I find it really hard to make friends, or get to the level of deep relationship I desire.
 

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I learned today that texting somebody to share information too much can result in a negative situation where her friend snaps at you and you don't know what the next step you should take is (besides stop texting so much) because you only see this person for 15 minutes a day, excluding weekends, and you feel like you should back off entirely.
 

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If I am "love" struck from afar, I try to be courteous and a gentleman about it. The overtures I make are also a bit different than the standard "Sup sweetness, youre wearing that dress like youre doing it a favor" approach. I understand that in todays society, the way I handle things goes over like a lead balloon, but oh well.

As for a relationship, I really dont know how to answer this. It is like juggling 15 things and you have to remember and perform all 15 things at the same time. It is work, and my inability to stop worrying and just enjoy the moment is really annoying. Part of me wants to take a systematic approach, another part of me just want to go hyper-romantic. Part of me wants to constantly perform and supply the lady consistent reasons to stay, part of me wants to push her away to protect her from the mess thats inside. I want to examine her, investigate and figure out why she is different. I want to be the fun goofy guy I know I am. All things considered, trying to do and be everything at once.. it is interesting. It is stressful to think about, but I have no other personal data to suggest otherwise. Some folks have the luxury of simply recasting their line if one fish gets away, another will soon be hooked. Some of us have not been given this luxury, so each (any) fish that gets hooked because a precious commodity. Of course it is completely theoretical for me, but interesting nonetheless.
 

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I keep it to myself, trying to suppress and deal with it on my own.

If the feelings persist for longer than 3 or 4 months, then I'll usually contact the person and let them know how super-badass-awesome I think they are, and that that i've been crushing on them pretty hard for quite a while. (Getting things off my chest in this manner always helps me to move on.)

This creeps some people out, and instills in others a warmer, more happier sensation... and while it makes me smile knowing that I made this person I care about smile, i'm not overly concerned with how they take to my message ('cause my foremost goal is to move on and regain stability in my life!) Not sure what would happen if one took to liking me back, that's yet to occur.

The majority of people in my life who I come even remotely close to labelling as "friends", have all been former-crushes of mine who were subject to this weird-ass infatuation process. (I just find it difficult to befriend people whom I don't reeeeally, really care about.)

The problem with me is that, if I like someone, I want them to want to like me, without my interference. I don't want to tell them how I feel and then have them suddenly start liking me in return, only for them to realize that it was all a meaningless fling a few short months later. I put a lot of pre-planning and consideration and thought into backing my feelings. I fear the potential influence of my own words, that i'll talk myself into a course of pain, and loss and wasted time.

So yeah... that's how I deal with falling in love. ~
 
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