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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
There's been a lot written about INFJs doorslamming people. How does an INFJ feel when someone doorslams him/her? How do you feel knowing (or suspecting) someone quite possibly never wants to encounter you again?


//*I'm an INTJ. I have I absolutely decidedly doorslammed people--close people (and less close people)--since youth when need be. Need be being when I finally lost belief in progress in the person on some recurring issue (from narcissism to co-dependence to lack of self, etc.) and/or I just decided they would never really see me for a sliver of who I am. This used to take decades; now sometimes it only take months.

There are also times I cut off everybody I can when I need or want to work something out on my own. I know I have been similarly cut off at times by (formerly) close INxJ friends. I will usually return terse contact if contacted in those times. And vice versa. (Which differentiates this from a full-on doorslam.)

My reaction to a doorslam as a doorslammer/disappearer: I may have been after-the-fact doorslammed by an ?ISFJ? whose heart was probably totaled after 5 years of his trying. But I had checked out in relationship Year 2 (I tried to end it) and having had practice with disappearing friends, I'm neither bothered or confused by it (despite his being the only person I formerly dated & enjoyed as a human whom I am not still "friends" with). I generally don't think of the past or people in the past once the chapter's closed. There may be others who've cut me off, but since I either wasn't invested in them or I may have been doorslamming them at the same time, I neither know or am stirred by it.*//


INFJs, since you are Fe, maybe it affects you differently. How do you feel being doorslammed when you didn't expect it? And how do you feel being doorslammed when you had already checked out? Do you think about it at all? How much does your investment change your perspective?
 

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I hate it but I get over it. I don't like not having closure, but I guess it also depends on how attached to the person I was. I'm not a typical INFJ "doorslammer" for that very reason. If I decide it's best not to interact with someone for any reason I usually give them some kind of verbal or textual warning beforehand. I've had people who have just slipped into oblivion, that I've never heard from again. It's pretty rare though. I find most of the people that I've gotten close to have either told me the reason why they don't want me in their life anymore or have returned to contacting me in some way or another, eventually.
 

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Have I ever been doorslammed?

If I have I hadn't noticed.

It's quite possible.

I am very good at letting old friendships die through neglect and if someone had actually doorslammed me I might have mistaken it for that.

Hmmm...



Actually, I have had a case, online, once when I was talking to someone and I said the completely wrong thing, they got hugely offended, and despite my immediately apologising, they blocked me.
I guess I am more hard on myself for having offended them then hurt that they doorslammed me.
 

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I usually get hurt and upset when doorslammed, especially when I feel that the doorslam was an unfair and unreasonable one. The intensity of the hurt depends on how much that person matters to me.

I seldom doorslam people, unless they deeply hurt me, are malicious to me or are fake/insincere towards me. The only time I will permanently doorslam is when someone has contrary moral values as me and is out to destroy me through and through.
 

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The only doorslam I ever received was actually mutual (ironically, from an INTJ.) A part of me hurt because we used to be so close, but another part of me was relieved that I didn't have to have a negative presence in my life anymore.

I really don't know how I'd feel if it wasn't mutual, it would depend a lot on the circumstances and reasons I think. I'd probably be mortified that I offended someone so much.

But if I suspect someone doesn't ever want to see me again...I simply stop coming around. I don't want to force my presence on someone who doesn't want me there, talk about needless awkwardness and drama.
 

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I have been once and it totally crushed me. I felt so helpless because I knew they were upset and they wouldn't let me help them. It took me forever to get over. Even now I think back (6 years ago) and still can't believe it :(
 

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Sweet Matrimony.
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I don't think I've ever been doorslammed actually :/ Even when people say they don't ever want to speak to me anymore (when I was like 15) they come back after like a year apologising...

But if I do ever get doorslammed in the future, I don't think I'll care much as doorslamming usually:

a) has everything to do with the person doorslamming and little to do with me*
b) signifies that the relationship was an unhealthy one so I don't think I'd want it to last long anyway.

*By that I mean a friendship/relationship with me has probably exposed some sort of insecurity that the other person can't deal with... Which is fair enough.
 

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I have been doorslamed once and it certainly hurt. She wanted me to change my mind about certain situation and I didn´t.
I always knew why she did it so it helped to give it a closure.
I tried to contact her a few times but she made it clear she didn´t want me around (she told me it hurt her being around me :( once you know that, there is not point in trying so I stayed away) so I accepted there was nothing I could do about it and moved on.

It has happened about 4 years ago and even if I think of it sometimes it doesn´t hurt anymore.
 

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You can't door slam me because I door slam you FIRST!!!
 

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I've been doorslammed twice,.. a seven year friendship with an INTJ, he doorslammed me when our friendship had reached that awkward stage of moving from friends to dating, I needed more commitment than he could give, so we had a real INFJ Vs INTJ showdown and that was the last I heard of him for about a year, until yesterday as a matter of fact, when he rang me out of the blue and tried to carry on the friendship as if nothing had happened. I spoke, but it was a frosty conversation on my part. I wont contact him again and will avoid him. I used to love him, it hurt to be doorlslammed, but now..meh, I feel nothing. I cant/wont go back.
the second doorslam was by another INFJ actually. Again, it was a friendship that turned to attraction thing,.. we wanted different things out of a relationship though, so we reached an impasse where we could no longer pretend to be just friends, but couldnt find a way to be together. We argued, he doorslammed me,.. that was about august last year, and I am stil heartbroken about it.Every time i think of what was said, and how we could both see the emotional trainwreck coming but couldnt stop saying hurtful things to each other, I want to cry, but its for the best, i suppose. i know as an INFJ its his coping mechanism, as it is mine,.. and I respect his need to never see or speak to me again. I understand it , even. It still hurts like buggery though :)
G. x
 

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I can't recall ever being doorslammed. I think I'm far too nice, forgiving, empathetic, naive and soft for that. I'm more of a doormat :p
 

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I don't like the feeling. It might lead me to ambivalence and quite intense emotions. I tend to move on after contemplating about the situation, and what I could have done to avoid this so I can mature into a better person. The person who doorslammed me will probably never see me again though. If they do, I usually pretend they're invisible, but they're on my mind even years after the door slam, but not often, and these memorable instances are remembered rarely, but they aren't really forgotten. The other person may come to me and I'll acknowledge them, but unless there's any more effort in the encounter, I usually continue to stay out of contact with them so I can clear my head and my emotions connected to the person, and so I can avoid conflict. I am open to forgiveness and repairing the relationship, but I believe it has to be the person who doorslammed me that should initiate and put effort into it, otherwise I feel it's a hopeless case. I'm usually at peace after I've moved on and contemplated. It isn't a very hard thing to get through, but it still hurts at the beginning. I don't like being doorslammed, not even by people I hardly know.
 

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You can't door slam me because I door slam you FIRST!!!
You can't fire me, I quit!

Once. It was kinda mutual, as I was already distancing myself from her. I mostly felt angry that she couldn't solve her problems with me in a mature manner. Silent treatments were the norm, so the doorslam was just a bigger, ruder version of that. I'm better off without her.
 

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To be completely honest, it's only the worst feeling in the world if you've invested a lot in the person door-slamming.

I try not to invest too much too soon anymore, in order to prevent things like that from taking such an unnecessary toll on me.
 

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I've been online doorslammed once a few years back. What bothers me is I don't know what for! Everything was peachy one moment. I was making friends with someone from a non personality related forum and as a favor, I thought, I posted a message on my myspace (yes it was quite a few years back... When I was still an active musician) advertising her service. I sent her a message and I was blocked and never heard why exactly. I figured I either made some faux pas or after seeing my myspace page they got spooked by the way I looked back then... Lol. I really don't know. I would have preferred a "You ass. I didn't ask for help!!!" Or "Stay away from me freaky looking punkrocker!!!" Silence is much more unpolite as far as I'm concerned.
 

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I used to get pissed off and feel dejected. I generally try to be insanely open to people, and even if they piss me off, I still try to give them another chance. I'd like to be forgiven, so I think I should give others the same privilege. Recently, I have found that I don't give a crap. I've become insanely narcissistic and consider most people to be useless fools, so now I feel less bad. So yeah...

I'm assuming you wanted honesty, so I gave it. If you wanna hate, do it man! Hate is pretty amazing for getting things done actually.
 

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I used to get pissed off and feel dejected. I generally try to be insanely open to people, and even if they piss me off, I still try to give them another chance. I'd like to be forgiven, so I think I should give others the same privilege. Recently, I have found that I don't give a crap. I've become insanely narcissistic and consider most people to be useless fools, so now I feel less bad. So yeah...

I'm assuming you wanted honesty, so I gave it. If you wanna hate, do it man! Hate is pretty amazing for getting things done actually.
You terrible person, you?
 

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Discussion Starter #20
I'd like to be forgiven
Is this a Fe thing?

Maybe my POV is skewed from a lack of you-did-a-thing-*SLAM* experiences, but I don't see doorslamming as . . . fault-based. I have doorslammed friends who I finally found unhealthy and draining after years (decades even) of the same issues or behavior recurring in their lives and seeing that they didn't want to actually grow or change their negative patterns. I can't give the same advice a 1000th time to people who seem to not want to progress. I also won't be continually disrespected by someone's actions. I'm not sure what these people want. But if it's to be carried or dragged, I am the wrong person for that. I have also closed the chapter on family who were truly toxic, did things I find despicable but I assume they didn't (because if they did, why would they do them?). Further, if someone (family or friend) has a limited view of me because of his/her way of seeing things or the world, then I will remove myself from that person's field of view and vice versa.

I don't really see any of these as forgiveable or non-forgiveable things. I see them more as facts of being. Facts that signal I'm not a person they need in their lives and/or their presence has a disruptive effect on me. You can't remain friends with someone who can't be friends with him or herself. And I don't believe in trying to make people see things they can't or don't want to see. We can't be everything to everyone. Sometimes, we can't be anything to them either.

Maybe INFJs think you CAN be friends with everybody. Me (INTJ): friendly, yes; friends, no.
 
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