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Discussion Starter #1
I'm a male INTP. I'm 38, and have a background in IT. So far, I've been in 6 relationships. My 1st and 3rd exes were introduced to me by a friend I met online. The other 4 exes I met online themselves, respectively through MSN Messenger, social media & a dating site.

Overall, I have a pretty good track record with meeting women online. I don't really develop a connection with women easily. But when I do, it pretty much always lead to a relationship fast. In one case, my 2nd ex, I could stay over at her parents' place of the night after our first date, and we fell asleep in each other's arms.

It's now roughly 4 months ago since my last ex, an ESFJ, ended our relationship after 10 years. After a few weeks of utter despair, I gradually started to crawl out of the pit and find myself again. Then I met this lovely INFJ online, which felt like an instant connection. I can't remember ever having felt a connection with any woman that strongly that fast, so I obviously was over the moon.

Our first chat turned into an almost daily chat, with rarely - if ever - more than a day in between. Chats lasted about 5 hours on average, and continued to feel smooth and natural. So it didn't take me long develop feelings for this woman, even before our first date.

After about week of chatting, we had our first date. Our conversation felt as smooth and natural as our online interaction, but the hug & kiss on the cheek at the end felt awkward. We had an open discussion about our feelings at the start of our second date, which ended by me giving her a first kiss on the lips.

Shortly after our second date, I missed a message from her that she sent in the morning. Yet for some reason, she received a read confirmation. She freaked out and was seriously worrying that I was ignoring her, until I eventually read the message at 4 pm and comforted her by explaining I just forgot to turn on Telegram on my PC and hasn't checked my phone while my PC was on.

Yesterday, we'd have had our third date. Since our second date was at my place, we'd be having our third date at her place. Her place was kind of a mess, though, and she didn't feel comfortable inviting people to her place. Therefore, she was getting ever more nervous about cleaning up the place before our date.

The day before the date, I noticed something was wrong. When I asked her if she was OK, her answer was "know". She was very emotional and about to crash, trying to get her place ready for our date. I told her it might be better to cancel / postpone the date and get some rest first. I figured no date is worth exhausting yourself to the point of (nearly) crashing.

Because I didn't want her to feel guilty about it, I sent her a very open letter where I wanted to ensure her that she shouldn't feel guilty, that I wouldn't run away because of stuff like that, that I understand why or how this can happen, etc. I also told her how my feelings for her had been growing and that we shouldn't let all this anxiety and other negative emotions stand in the way.

Then she basically told me everything was going way too fast for her. She downplayed whichever feelings she had for me. She told me she felt suffocated by me. She told me she needed distance. She needs time to ground again, and I shouldn't pressure her.

At that point, I basically fell from my little cloud. I fell with my face on the cold, hard ground. I hadn't seen this coming, although I probably should've. And I'm currently processing this, trying to make sense of what happened there.

Is there anyone here who can offer some insight into what happened here? Did she retroactively reevaluate everything that happened during those few weeks living in the clouds? Or were we really at a different place all that time? Was it just me floating and dragging her along, or did she just get scared by not being used to this? Was she really into me, or just flattered that I was so much into her?

Also, will she come back to me if I give her the space and time she needs, and she starts to miss me? Does this have a chance of being restored, or did I kind of blow it by just going with the motions? And does this deserve a second chance, or does this indicate we're just too different? I keep reading about how well INTPs & INFJs can go together, but I never had such a bumpy ride between friendzone & relationship, especially when the connection already seemed so strong.

As an INTP, emotions aren't my forte. And it seems that I tend to either have little to no emotions or so many emotions they become overwhelming. Trying to slow down feels to me like blocking out my emotions, which just seems wrong at this stage of dating. And to me, it seems like a one-way-ticket back to the friendzone. Then again, if I drag her along on an emotional rollercoaster she's totally not prepared for, I can't see this working out either.

ANY feedback would be welcome...
 

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it sounds like you were both moving too fast and she freaked out. it's like putting a baby on rollerskates - let them learn to walk first! maybe you need to be more mindful and just savour it instead of gunning it into a brick wall- a new skill to learn perhaps? just breathe. it's gonna be ok. youve got you.

also 4 months after a 10 year long relationship is nothing.... it would be well worth investing in yourself for a while instead of just trying to recreate your last relationship so you don't have to deal with the loss or learn from it ;P just saying
 

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Discussion Starter #3
maybe you need to be more mindful and just savour it instead of gunning it into a brick wall- a new skill to learn perhaps?
In a situation like this, being mindful comes off to me as not allowing yourself to go with the flow. It comes off to me as not allowing yourself to listen to your emotions.

With matters of the heart, that just feels wrong to me...

just breathe. it's gonna be ok. youve got you.
Do I?

Even if she comes back to me after a few days, I wouldn't know how to proceed.

I don't know how to take things slowely.

Once I feel like the connection is there and there is mutual interest, trying to just be friends for a few months and only then allow yourself to become "more than friends" feels entirely unnatural and artificial to me.

If that is what she needs, I wouldn't know how to give that to her...

also 4 months after a 10 year long relationship is nothing.... it would be well worth investing in yourself for a while instead of just trying to recreate your last relationship so you don't have to deal with the loss or learn from it ;P just saying
I wasn't trying to recreate my last relationship. There's a reason that relationship ended, and I definitely want to move on from that.

I do understand why she might feel like I'm trying to recreate what I had, though. After 10 years, the relationship you'd had does in some way become the norm. It does become the norm by which you measure what comes next, and I suppose that does somehow permeate through how I express myself or the actions I take, even when it's something very different that I'm looking for...
 

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WEll this situation is trying to teach you something.

To me, it seems like you don’t like being alone.

You can’t tolerate the feeling of being with yourself so you’re trying to control someone else into filling the void inside you. You can’t even allow them the space to take it slowly. You can blame her for this problem all you like but if you have to violate her boundaries and need her to do something she doesn’t want just to feel okay, then she’s not the problem.

You should look inside and try to figure out how you can be happy alone and why you can’t stand it, so that you don’t have to be upset just because she wants to take things slow. There will be many other things she won’t want to do. You have to be okay with that. You can’t control anyone except yourself, and it’s very empowering once you realise that.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
You can’t tolerate the feeling of being with yourself so you’re trying to control someone else into filling the void inside you. You can’t even allow them the space to take it slowly.
That's definitely NOT what is happening.

I just developed a crush on someone and started to dream...

No more, no less...

You can blame her for this problem all you like but if you have to violate her boundaries and need her to do something she doesn’t want just to feel okay, then she’s not the problem.
I'm not blaming anyone for anything.

I'm just trying to figure out how to date someone who has a dating style very different from my own.

You should look inside and try to figure out how you can be happy alone and why you can’t stand it, so that you don’t have to be upset just because she wants to take things slow.
My issues with her wanting to take things slow has nothing whatsoever with not wanting to be alone.

It's just something that I don't relate to. It's something that feels artificial to me.

I feel like I need to block my emotions to do that, which in my opinion of the very opposite of what you should do when you are at that stage.

There will be many other things she won’t want to do. You have to be okay with that.
I am.

Again, you totally misinterpret the issue here...

You can’t control anyone except yourself
I'm not sure why you think I want to control other people.

I don't. I'm nothing like that whatsoever.

INTPs are maybe THE most independent of all types. The last thing we want is to dominate others, as we can't stand being dominated by others ourselves!
 

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Lol what is this complete lack of self awareness?

And lol the way you’re defending every point... SUCH an INTP response! Least there’s no question about your type

Look you don’t have to refute every point I make this is not a debate. This is an invitation to look inside you, and make some changes. You’re completely closed off to any self reflection at all! No one can help you if you won’t look inside!

You come here begging for answers and then we throw them at you and you deflect every single one!
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Ni doesn't work on INTPs.

We're more akin to robots, animals or children than we are to most other adult humans.

INFJs are Ni dominant. They can read anyone but INTPs. And that's part of where the mutual attraction comes from.
 

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I don't know man...but for me it seems fucking weird to go on 2nd date to someones house. Probably for her too and I would assume that she felt "pushed" to have 3rd date in her house.
Since our second date was at my place, we'd be having our third date at her place.
How did both of you come to that decision or who suggested it?

Imo should have spent more time on "neutral ground" and meet in other places but maybe that's what the kids are doing nowadays.

Shortly after our second date, I missed a message from her that she sent in the morning. Yet for some reason, she received a read confirmation. She freaked out and was seriously worrying that I was ignoring her, until I eventually read the message at 4 pm and comforted her by explaining I just forgot to turn on Telegram on my PC and hasn't checked my phone while my PC was on.
That's a red flag and the other thing about "crashing" because of the 3rd date? She sounds unstable for real.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Imo should have spent more time on "neutral ground" and meet in other places but maybe that's what the kids are doing nowadays.
So would I.

I guess I kind of sensed that she didn't feel like going to a café or restaurant for our second date, and then suggested she came over to my place instead.

After that, it was she who spontaneously said "next time, you come to my place". Then in chat, she said something like "we still have to decide a place for our third date", kind of coming back on that.

So I said, "didn't you say we'd go to your place for our next date?" And then she gave her address.

So it was actually her idea to go to her place, but she did say it in a spontaneous moment and apparently didn't really think about it much.

That's a red flag and the other thing about "crashing" because of the 3rd date?
According to her, her house was really messy and she really didn't want to invite people in that state.

And it seemed she kind of procrastinated a bit too much up to a point where her house wasn't going to be finished in time.

When I noticed that she was pushing herself too far, is when I told her to get some rest and cancel / postpone the date.

She sounds unstable for real.
Yeah, well...

I did notice she has major abandonment issues.

Besides that, I can't really tell what's normal for an INFJ or for a woman, and what's indicative of a lack of mental stability. A relationship with an ESFJ did help give me lots of insights in the emotional life of a female empath, but this whole "dating" stage between friendzone and relationship is too unfamiliar for me to have any clue whatsoever of what is normal for a female empath to feel...
 

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I'm a male INTP. I'm 38, and have a background in IT. So far, I've been in 6 relationships. My 1st and 3rd exes were introduced to me by a friend I met online. The other 4 exes I met online themselves, respectively through MSN Messenger, social media & a dating site.

Overall, I have a pretty good track record with meeting women online. I don't really develop a connection with women easily. But when I do, it pretty much always lead to a relationship fast. In one case, my 2nd ex, I could stay over at her parents' place of the night after our first date, and we fell asleep in each other's arms.

It's now roughly 4 months ago since my last ex, an ESFJ, ended our relationship after 10 years. After a few weeks of utter despair, I gradually started to crawl out of the pit and find myself again. Then I met this lovely INFJ online, which felt like an instant connection. I can't remember ever having felt a connection with any woman that strongly that fast, so I obviously was over the moon.

Our first chat turned into an almost daily chat, with rarely - if ever - more than a day in between. Chats lasted about 5 hours on average, and continued to feel smooth and natural. So it didn't take me long develop feelings for this woman, even before our first date.

After about week of chatting, we had our first date. Our conversation felt as smooth and natural as our online interaction, but the hug & kiss on the cheek at the end felt awkward. We had an open discussion about our feelings at the start of our second date, which ended by me giving her a first kiss on the lips.

Shortly after our second date, I missed a message from her that she sent in the morning. Yet for some reason, she received a read confirmation. She freaked out and was seriously worrying that I was ignoring her, until I eventually read the message at 4 pm and comforted her by explaining I just forgot to turn on Telegram on my PC and hasn't checked my phone while my PC was on.

Yesterday, we'd have had our third date. Since our second date was at my place, we'd be having our third date at her place. Her place was kind of a mess, though, and she didn't feel comfortable inviting people to her place. Therefore, she was getting ever more nervous about cleaning up the place before our date.

The day before the date, I noticed something was wrong. When I asked her if she was OK, her answer was "know". She was very emotional and about to crash, trying to get her place ready for our date. I told her it might be better to cancel / postpone the date and get some rest first. I figured no date is worth exhausting yourself to the point of (nearly) crashing.

Because I didn't want her to feel guilty about it, I sent her a very open letter where I wanted to ensure her that she shouldn't feel guilty, that I wouldn't run away because of stuff like that, that I understand why or how this can happen, etc. I also told her how my feelings for her had been growing and that we shouldn't let all this anxiety and other negative emotions stand in the way.

Then she basically told me everything was going way too fast for her. She downplayed whichever feelings she had for me. She told me she felt suffocated by me. She told me she needed distance. She needs time to ground again, and I shouldn't pressure her.

At that point, I basically fell from my little cloud. I fell with my face on the cold, hard ground. I hadn't seen this coming, although I probably should've. And I'm currently processing this, trying to make sense of what happened there.

Is there anyone here who can offer some insight into what happened here? Did she retroactively reevaluate everything that happened during those few weeks living in the clouds? Or were we really at a different place all that time? Was it just me floating and dragging her along, or did she just get scared by not being used to this? Was she really into me, or just flattered that I was so much into her?

Also, will she come back to me if I give her the space and time she needs, and she starts to miss me? Does this have a chance of being restored, or did I kind of blow it by just going with the motions? And does this deserve a second chance, or does this indicate we're just too different? I keep reading about how well INTPs & INFJs can go together, but I never had such a bumpy ride between friendzone & relationship, especially when the connection already seemed so strong.

As an INTP, emotions aren't my forte. And it seems that I tend to either have little to no emotions or so many emotions they become overwhelming. Trying to slow down feels to me like blocking out my emotions, which just seems wrong at this stage of dating. And to me, it seems like a one-way-ticket back to the friendzone. Then again, if I drag her along on an emotional rollercoaster she's totally not prepared for, I can't see this working out either.

ANY feedback would be welcome...
Boy, you really need some feedback from female INFJs on this forum. @Kelly Kapowski, are you out there?

I’m male, so my feedback is of more limited value. My thoughts:

  • I never would’ve suggested postponing the third date. If she couldn’t host for whatever reason, I’d have suggested that we do something else, either out or at your place. Her choice. That said, I doubt that what you did would screw up the relationship on its own.
  • My first love was, I believe, INFJ. To her I was a special friend. I learned much about her though. My take is that she knew exactly what she was looking for romantically (not me), and while I think she actually felt me out, she knew pretty quickly that I was a friend. There was absolutely no turning that around. I also remember that no girl looked at me the way she did. What I thought might be love, I think, was my feelings for her being reflected back at me. Sounds weird, but INFJ Fe can come off that way. Also, I think that she also appreciated our special connection, and that I was providing her with very valuable feedback as far as how a male received her. As my feelings for her became apparent she naturally backed off.
My guess, unfortunately, is that your INFJ may not be feeling it.

Again, I hope you get some female INFJ feedback as it seems they can be a bit different from us males.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Boy, you really need some feedback from female INFJs on this forum. @Kelly Kapowski, are you out there?
I've actually been PM-ing with Kelly for the last couple of weeks, but she's been pretty quiet lately.

Probably very busy...

I never would’ve suggested postponing the third date. If she couldn’t host for whatever reason, I’d have suggested that we do something else, either out or at your place. Her choice.
Considering how much on edge she was, that might have made things worse.

She definitely needed some cooling-off time. And while I don't like the way she got it, at least she now has time to process her thoughts and emotions before we talk again.

It sucks not knowing where I'm standing with her right now, but I guess I have no option but to play the waiting game...

That said, I doubt that what you did would screw up the relationship on its own.
I wouldn't call it a relationship yet.

Honestly, I don't know. I do think she'll come back to me once she misses me strongly enough, if I didn't scare her off by being just a bit too open and intense.

I also remember that no girl looked at me the way she did. What I thought might be love, I think, was my feelings for her being reflected back at me. Sounds weird, but INFJ Fe can come off that way.
That's the thing.

I don't know how to tell if she had feelings for me or I was just dragging her along on the ride I was on myself.

Was it my feelings for her reflected back at me, or were it actually her own feelings?

How can you even tell?

Again, I hope you get some female INFJ feedback as it seems they can be a bit different from us males.
I'm currently chatting on Discord with a female INFJ who's been with a male INTP for 11 years. She told me that in the beginning she went through something similar with her hubby.

So I guess there's still hope. I hate the uncertainty, though...

I want to move on with my life, whether that's with or without her. And right now, it feels like my life is on hold because of what happened this weekend, and (at least partially) in the hands of someone else...
 

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I don't know how to take things slowely.

Once I feel like the connection is there and there is mutual interest, trying to just be friends for a few months and only then allow yourself to become "more than friends" feels entirely unnatural and artificial to me.

If that is what she needs, I wouldn't know how to give that to her...
Don't worry, this "taking slow" and "advancing" from friendzone to romantic relationship over time or pending between those isn't just your thing :) Same for myself as well. I guess there's not much to do about it if we have such preference. I personally don't believe either that friendzone could ever cross that boundary so I wouldn't spend time on trying to figure out how to optimize that aspect or how to change your nature.

I guess there might be 2 different types of INFJs from romantic aspects - those who will move on slowly and need a lot of time and those for whom it's not required at all. For example, when we first met, my INFJ SO said that if it takes too long time for a guy to make his move, she'd become bored already and most likely friendzone the guy.

I'd suggest just to ask directly from your girl if the pace is an issue or it's about anything else. Guessing usually isn't effective method as nobody of us is able to see what's going on inside other person's mind :) I can't see why direct and polite means should be a taboo, especially when you already managed to made a good start so it's not the first thing you ask from a complete stranger (that'd be a bit awkward).

You might also want to check @ImpossibleHunt5 thread about subtypes of INFJ here in the forum, which could give you a glue which version of them you're dealing with.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
I guess there might be 2 different types of INFJs from romantic aspects - those who will move on slowly and need a lot of time and those for whom it's not required at all.
Could it be that it also depends on the person they're daying, the context they're in, the maturity they have, etc?

Based on what i've some to understand of INFJs, it seems they can flip-flop very easily on a person and do a full 180 from completely obsessed to completely detached, if that person overwhelms them. And that appears to be what happened.

I guess for me to get through these next few days (and maybe weeks), is to understand if there's a chance she flip-flops back. I won't want to waste time waiting on a person to open up to me again if she has already lost any romantic interest in me, but I also don't want to move on if I know there's still a chance she can flip-flop back.

It's frustrating to not know what's my status with her right now and how fixed that status is...

For example, when we first met, my INFJ SO said that if it takes too long time for a guy to make his move, she'd become bored already and most likely friendzone the guy.
That's what i sensed with "my INFJ" and one of the reasons I didn't want to take things too slowly...

I'm afraid I just went too far in the other direction and instead of taking it too slowly I took it too fast.

I'd suggest just to ask directly from your girl if the pace is an issue or it's about anything else. Guessing usually isn't effective method as nobody of us is able to see what's going on inside other person's mind :)
I did have such an open talk during our second date. I thought it went great afterwards. Not sure about that anymore...

I can't see why direct and polite means should be a taboo, especially when you already managed to made a good start so it's not the first thing you ask from a complete stranger (that'd be a bit awkward).
I've learnt the hard way that being open and direct can be a good thing with an INFJ as long as you don't overwhelm them. If you're too intense or your pace is too fast, they close up and need their distance.

INFJs truly are a paradox. They tend to be people of extremes themselves, yet it seem to be the extremes that scare them the most in other people...

You might also want to check @ImpossibleHunt5 thread about subtypes of INFJ here in the forum, which could give you a glue which version of them you're dealing with.
Will do!
 

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Could it be that it also depends on the person they're daying, the context they're in, the maturity they have, etc?

Based on what i've some to understand of INFJs, it seems they can flip-flop very easily on a person and do a full 180 from completely obsessed to completely detached, if that person overwhelms them. And that appears to be what happened.

I guess for me to get through these next few days (and maybe weeks), is to understand if there's a chance she flip-flops back. I won't want to waste time waiting on a person to open up to me again if she has already lost any romantic interest in me, but I also don't want to move on if I know there's still a chance she can flip-flop back.
Yeah, it might depend on person they're dating. I got her "open up" and stay open quite quickly but I'm naturally good at reading people in many cases, even when they're introverted enough. There's one thing I know - unless the INFJ has doorslammed you, there's a chance :) The latter is a weird concept for me but as I've heard from INxJs, it's important concept for them - if it's over then it's over and that's all. Doesn't matter if friendship or romantic relationship or any other. They never look back. As it seems to me based on what you described, you've not reached there and that's good.

I'm an intense guy as well and if I remember correctly (luckily my past memory has no details), I moved on too fast with some aspects as well. Though this wasn't right at the beginning but later when we had already solid ground under our feet about the relationship. And yep, it made her back off for a while. I can't remember much details any more but it might be similar to your case. Starting from sort of LDR (meeting mostly only at weekends) made it a bit more complex than it'd be when you have chance to discuss eye to eye.

PS if you feel I could help you with whatever questions from my angle of viewpoint, feel free to PM me as well.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
I got her "open up" and stay open quite quickly but I'm naturally good at reading people in many cases, even when they're introverted enough.
"My INFJ" opened up very, very quickly. She told me some personal stuff even I (I tend to be a very open & trusting person, once I think someone is trustworthy) would have felt uncomfortable sharing that early. So, especially for a personlality type that private and reserved, she was extremely open.

This is one reason I allowed myself to get carried away emotionally. We both seemed to feel very safe around each other to share even our most intimate thoughts and feelings, so I didn't really see the need to put on any brakes...

Doesn't matter if friendship or romantic relationship or any other. They never look back. As it seems to me based on what you described, you've not reached there and that's good.
No, she hasn't door slammed me. She definitely left a door open. I'm just afraid that my intensity scared her off for anything romantically and put me me in the friendzone.

I'm an intense guy as well and if I remember correctly (luckily my past memory has no details), I moved on too fast with some aspects as well. Though this wasn't right at the beginning but later when we had already solid ground under our feet about the relationship. And yep, it made her back off for a while. I can't remember much details any more but it might be similar to your case.
It does sound very, very similar.

ANY details you remember might be useful...

Starting from sort of LDR (meeting mostly only at weekends) made it a bit more complex than it'd be when you have chance to discuss eye to eye.
Meeting only on weekends is how most of my relationships started, even when they lived in the same area. IMO, it's a good way to keep balance between your love life and the rest of your life.

Seeing each other every day and moving in with each other can be quite a challenge, especially if you have stuff to work out or struggle to maintain a healthy work-life balance. So staying over for one or two nights a week at each other's place and then focusing on your personal stuff the rest of the week (interspersed with chats or phone calls with your partner) can be a very healthy transition between casual dating and moving in together IMO.

PS if you feel I could help you with whatever questions from my angle of viewpoint, feel free to PM me as well.
I will. Check your inbox!
 

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@armchairphilosopher: I'm not sure if you heard of socionics before, but INTPs and INFJs isn't a compatible match. In socionics, INTPs and INFJs are of a beneficiary relations, so INTPs would feel intrigued by INFJs, but INFJs wouldn't be able to feel the same way back about INTPs.
More about beneficiary relations: Relations of Benefit between psychological ("personality") types

Your compatible match is actually ESFJ.
ESFJs are your dual type in socionics, they are your soulmate, they are very different from you yet able to complement you perfectly.
Your weaknesses is their strengths and vice versa.
I saw one of your previous posts that your ex is an ESFJ. Is it possible to look for another ESFJ woman nearby your area? Also, when you date an ESFJ in future, and you want to protect your relationship with the ESFJ, don't let her get close to any of your INTP friends, because ESFJs are naturally attracted to INTPs.
More about dual relations: Relations of Duality between psychological ("personality") types
 

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Discussion Starter #19
@armchairphilosopher: I'm not sure if you heard of socionics before, but INTPs and INFJs isn't a compatible match. In socionics, INTPs and INFJs are of a beneficiary relations, so INTPs would feel intrigued by INFJs, but INFJs wouldn't be able to feel the same way back about INTPs.
I know an INFJ-INTP pair that's been together for 11 years now. And it's often described as the "golden couple".

So, at least according to some sources, they're actually véry compatible!

INFJs tend to be very indecisive in relationships, so we often need someone who is strong-willed and decisive such as ESTPs to lead the way for us in relationships.
What makes you think INTPs can't be strong-willed and decisive?

As an INFJ, I can be very unconfident in relationships. I often find myself doubting and questioning the other person's feelings toward me.
INTPs are an open book. We say what we think and we think what we say.

That's why INFJs often feel comfortable around us.

People who come on strongly onto me are my best match, because then I'll have no doubts about their interest in me.
I need someone like that when it comes to relationships, and this is something that INTPs wouldn't be able to provide me with.
Actually, the problem with "my INFJ" is that i came on TOO strong.

My intensity overwhelmed her...

Your compatible match is actually ESFJ.
I tried that for 10 years. Our differences were just too difficult to overcome!

Also, when you date an ESFJ in future, and you want to protect your relationship with the ESFJ, don't let her get close to any of your INTP friends, because ESFJs are naturally attracted to INTPs.
My ex is now in a relationship with an INTP woman, whom she actually met through me.

So you do kind of seem to have a point there...
 

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I know an INFJ-INTP pair that's been together for 11 years now. And it's often described as the "golden couple".

So, at least according to some sources, they're actually véry compatible!



What makes you think INTPs can't be strong-willed and decisive?



INTPs are an open book. We say what we think and we think what we say.

That's why INFJs often feel comfortable around us.



Actually, the problem with "my INFJ" is that i came on TOO strong.

My intensity overwhelmed her...



I tried that for 10 years. Our differences were just too difficult to overcome!



My ex is now in a relationship with an INTP woman, whom she actually met through me.

So you do kind of seem to have a point there...
My definition of coming on strong is someone who doesn't give up easily, someone who is consistent, someone who doesn't lose confidence easily.
For example, she mentioned about moving too fast, and then you started losing confidence in yourself, and started asking where the relationship went wrong.
INFJs can easily sniff out a lack of confidence in people, and this lack of confidence is something that turns off an INFJ.
Also, INTPs have auxiliary Ne and tend to be indecisive, and this is something that you have to be mindful of when you're around INFJs, as INFJs aren't very fond of indecisive people.

You should watch all the episodes in this drama series and see how the ESTP male lead pursues this INFJ female lead:
Watch Meteor Garden (2018) Episode 19 Online With English sub | Dramacool

The male lead in this show is an ESTP and female lead is an INFJ. You see how he wooed her in the entire series? She was indecisive about her feelings toward him at first, in fact, she didn't even notice him at first! She likes one of his best friends, but the ESTP didn't give up on her. He continued to tell and show her how much he likes her, he continued to be there for her, he continued to ask her out on dates and hang around her, and there was one of the scenes when she told him that she is feeling unsure about him, and that she felt that she only loves him 30%, and he replied her by saying that he would make up for the remaining 70%. He was just so consistent toward her and he doesn't lose confidence easily even when she goes indecisive on him, and then she felt his sincerity, and she eventually fell in love with him.

That INFJ female lead in that drama approaches love in very similar ways that I do.
Slow, hesitant, and indecisive. So if you want to conquer the heart of an INFJ, you will have to act the opposite of the INFJ. You have to be confident, decisive, and initiative.

And if you want to know where you stood with your INFJ.....She seems to have friend-zoned you at the moment.
If you want to win over her heart, you will probably have to woo her in the same manner that the ESTP in that drama woos the INFJ. Good luck!
 
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