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Hey @armchairphilosopher. I haven’t read all of these replies but I remember interacting with you before and I’ve got to say you behaved just fine in my opinion. I would have appreciated your messages of reassurance and by the way she wasn’t giving you any clues that you two were going too fast— not upfront enough at any rate to give you enough feedback to work from. Maybe she got overwhelmed all at once and scared all at once? Speed is so personal that another girl might be angry that you took things too slow. She might also have not liked being in your debt about your kindness about her needing to clean. Maybe she realized she is in no good shape to have a relationship at all.

INFJs scare easily in my experience. They are not used to change and unpredictability freaks them out... and there’s all this stuff about perfectIon or boiling people down to make them less complex and more predictable that actually doesn’t have much to do with real normal human beings...so dating is rough as far as I gather from this forum. Sorry... and it’s not that I don’t like INFJs, I love them too... but there is some really high stakes about them being perfect almost or “intuitive with everyone” or whatever that I don’t understand why INFJs don’t find absolutely exhausting. Isn’t it exhausting keeping up with that whole aura of everyone thinking you’re perfect? I think it’s just that your problems are not common problems so people don’t recognize your imperfections and needs. Anyway... I hope INFJs agree it’s exhausting and ridiculous. I think secretly many of them do realize it’s too much and others of them think that INFJs are perfect and no less... I haven’t asked them.... so.... definitely areas to look into and know about. Lots of blind spots that ARE interesting.

I said it before but I actually don’t think that there is anything particularly special about the INFJ-INTP pairing, just depending on the people involved. Anyway, I don’t think you did anything wrong. Be aware that sudden shifts in judgements about people is part of the INFJ. That is a pattern that I have seen a lot and INFJs....try to realize your faults are taken in stride in my view just like any other people. Two sides of a coin... you don’t get Ni without the judgementalism... they boil things down to two sides of a coin. Good or bad and no Si to attach them them going forward. Take it or leave it.....
I’d actually love to hear INFJs side of this, because as I said.... lots of blind spots... not the normal problems, etc. and we love you anyway the same way I love my own faulty type. We are all human beings with faults, start seeing them, as unusual as they are.
 

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Discussion Starter #22
Hey @armchairphilosopher. I haven’t read all of these replies but I remember interacting with you before and I’ve got to say you behaved just fine in my opinion. I would have appreciated your messages of reassurance and by the way she wasn’t giving you any clues that you two were going too fast— not upfront enough at any rate to give you enough feedback to work from. Maybe she got overwhelmed all at once and scared all at once? Speed is so personal that another girl might be angry that you took things too slow. She might also have not liked being in your debt about your kindness about her needing to clean. Maybe she realized she is in no good shape to have a relationship at all.
Personally, I don't think she even knows herself what she feels / felt for me or why this whole thing exploded as it did.

I assume that's why she needs space : to make sense of the last couple of weeks and to figure out how to proceed from there.

I wouldn't mind that much that she needed to go through this process if at least she would have given me an update since this weekend. Going from chatting almost daily to complete radio silence is quite a drastic change.

It kind of feel like I was addicted to her for those couple of weeks, and I'm now going through rehab... cold turkey...

INFJs scare easily in my experience. They are not used to change and unpredictability freaks them out...
A friend of mine dated an INFJ for a couple of weeks and went through a similar experience. He told me that INFJs like the idea of change and tend to get quite excited about that, but they tend to resist actual change.

Sorry... and it’s not that I don’t like INFJs, I love them too... but there is some really high stakes about them being perfect almost or “intuitive with everyone” or whatever that I don’t understand why INFJs don’t find absolutely exhausting. Isn’t it exhausting keeping up with that whole aura of everyone thinking you’re perfect?
"My INFJ" is actually quite humble. And during those 3 to 4 weeks that we chatted online, she showed her at her most vulnerable multiple times. By INFJ standards, she actually opened up quite fast, and I never really saw her with any mask on.

I saw her as the vulnerable but strong woman that she was. Maybe she puts up a mask and acts all tough and invulnerable for other people, but I never actually saw that side of her.

This is one of the reasons I fell so hard and so far for her.

I said it before but I actually don’t think that there is anything particularly special about the INFJ-INTP pairing, just depending on the people involved.
Sure, not every INFJ & every INTP get along. But I do think there are a lot of similarities between both types, as well as mutual intrigue / interest towards each other's quirks.

Anyway, I don’t think you did anything wrong.
I maybe quite a few mistakes. One of them is to let myself get carried away emotionally like that. Another one is opening up completely to a person I only just met.

Being able to chat openly and directly for hours on an almost daily basis felt like a strong, genuine & deep connection. It created a feeling of trust... trust that I could just be myself and share every thought & feeling.

I should have been more wary. I should not gave put so much trust in a person I only knew for a few weeks.

Still, I'm glad I had that experience. Living for a couple of weeks on a cloud and connecting that strongly with a total stranger was a quite special experience for me that I'm not sure I ever experienced before. If it all ends with us going our seperate ways and never seeing each other anymore, at least it was a very educational experience that will help me make better decisions the next time I'm dating someone...

In the end, I regret nothing. Yes, I made mistakes, but the choices I made seemed the right choices at the time. I followed my instincts. I took initiative. And if that means I screwed everything up, so be it. As John Lennon once said, life is what happens when you're busy making other plans...
 

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Discussion Starter #23
FYI, I have contact with "my INFJ" again.

After about 8 days of radio-silence, she finally broke silence and sent me a message. It looks like she missed me as well and she wants to start over, rewinding back to "let's be friends first". Awesome result, if you ask me!

We'll have our next chat session this thursday and will probably meet in real life again some time the week after.

So yeeey!
 

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When I was first dating my INTP fiance, I was incredibly hyper emotional.
I think my egged on my emotions a lot. I remember one time, my mom said something about how I should not talk to him about finances, and that got me so riled up, I called him after his bedtime in tears worried that he might leave me.
For me, there was a lot more going on than just my personality type. I experienced some forms of abuse as a child, and I think a lot of that translated into my emotional issues; my mom is such a high strung emotional person that it just triggers that in me.
My love is insightful enough to realize there was more going on and would always encourage me to confide in him, which, over time, helped me to calm down, better, over things. I was never taught how to express my feelings in appropriate ways as a child, I think partly due to my mom's guilt that i experienced the kind of abuse that I did. I also have ADHD, which makes emotional regulation incredibly difficult.

I'm not sure if that's the case for your situation, however. It's hard to evaluate someone else's relationship when you only see one side and can't really see what's going on, isn't it? I agree with the idea of having a frank discussion of what's going on.
 

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I don't agree that she sound especially unstable - I do believe there was a negative push / pull taking place, first when she didn't get a response to her message and she thought you were ignoring her, then later when you sent her a letter which focused heavily on feelings when she was already emotionally stressed out.

So her cup overfilled, and she needed time and space to clean all of that up.

You should pay attention to [the filling of] that cup, and you should both be good as fine with sugar on top, happily ever after.
 
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