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MOTM Nov 2010
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Discussion Starter #1
INFJs Go Ahead-Tell Me What To Do

It has been brought to my attention that I never spend time in your forum. So now I was hoping to make up for lost time.

So here is a thread where I'm actually giving you permission to tell this ENFP what she needs to do, who I should date, what my needs are, who is out there to get me, what is important to me, what I don't "get", and what hole I'm going to walk into tomorrow if I don't listen to you.

So here is my first problem:

When I am first dating someone, how do I take it slow when they want to move fast and want commitment right away? I have a problem with letting myself get tied down too fast because of my stupid empathy. I enter relationships I don't want to be in because I feel bad.

Okay, you have FULL permission to lay it into me. I'm strong.

Go ahead..let your Fe/Ni run wild. You KNOW you know what's best for me and others like me. :wink:

Others seeking your visions may also post. :proud:
 

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So here is a thread where I'm actually giving you permission to tell this ENFP what she needs to do, who I should date, what my needs are, who is out there to get me, what is important to me, what I don't "get", and what hole I'm going to walk into tomorrow if I don't listen to you.
Okay first of all I personally would never give advice to a person I don't know. For sure I won't tell you how to live your life.

But generally speaking regarding your dating problem I think it's a matter of finding a guy that wants the same thing as you do. ( like me :)):)) )
That typically doesn't happen because usually guys will want either full commitment or no commitment. But if you are clear with them from the start ( after they make a move give them a little speech about the kind of relationship you want :) ) and then being certain only to meet them at most 2 times a week , everything should be much better for you.

Good luck :)
 

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I think you need to keep in mind what you want and what is important for you. Empathy is a good thing yes, that isn't an issue of debate but empathy to the point of hurting yourself is of course a bad position. I feel silly saying this to you because I believe you know it already. It is just the difficulty of actually enacting what you know to be true into reality which is something many if not all people struggle with. It is important to keep a grasp on what you know you want and need and what is for the best in the long run even if it is so very hard when your emotions are being pulled hither and thither.

You are a very strong emotional person and I think you easily slip into allowing your emotions gain control over you and pull you all about. Your heart is very strong but seemingly too strong sometimes because it pulls you around very strongly when it starts to pitter and patter when it receives emotional stimuli, validation and love. It swells to such a size and such a strength that it is difficult to hold it back for your own health.



As my very scientific and complicated picture above, this indicates the dynamic that happens. The only difference is that the heart, in fact, grows to godzilla size and the poor brain can only hold on for dear life.
 

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You really need to just stand your ground and not do so much what the other person wants. In addition to that, take some time to analyze what you want in your life right now and whether or not that includes someone else. If the person really likes you, they're going to respect your decisions as to how slow you want to take it. Don't empathize too much. People would also rather you tell the truth than not. You really just have to make it clear what you want. People usually want from you what you want for yourself, that is if they respect you.

Another thing. Don't assume people know what's best for you. They really don't. You can take some advice, but realize that you are the one living your life. People have their outside perspectives but they don't know what it's like to be in your head.
 

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PerC Mermaid
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I think you need to keep in mind what you want and what is important for you
I agree, it would be easier to express things when you "know" what you really want. Take your time, think about it, work on that and when you are sure you will find the way to let others now what you really want/need.
 

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MOTM Nov 2010
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Discussion Starter #6
That typically doesn't happen because usually guys will want either full commitment or no commitment. But if you are clear with them from the start ( after they make a move give them a little speech about the kind of relationship you want :) ) and then being certain only to meet them at most 2 times a week , everything should be much better for you.
Oh thank you! This is good, practical advice I can follow! However, unfortunately I can all too easily pick up on other's "uncomfortable vibe". So as far as the speech is concerned, I do tend to alter it in order to make them feel better. So hard to hang onto my Fi in these situations when Ne keeps pulling me inside their head and their heart. I'm a little too used to protecting other's hearts. :sad:

But I can do the 2 dates a week thing. Yes sir! My tertiary Te likes that rule! I can execute it. :)
 

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MOTM Nov 2010
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Discussion Starter #7
I think you need to keep in mind what you want and what is important for you. Empathy is a good thing yes, that isn't an issue of debate but empathy to the point of hurting yourself is of course a bad position. I feel silly saying this to you because I believe you know it already.
I don't really know this already. It's the first thing that pops out of my brain until an INFJ reminds me. It's all too easy for me to "go with the flow".

It is just the difficulty of actually enacting what you know to be true into reality which is something many if not all people struggle with. It is important to keep a grasp on what you know you want and need and what is for the best in the long run even if it is so very hard when your emotions are being pulled hither and thither.

You are a very strong emotional person and I think you easily slip into allowing your emotions gain control over you and pull you all about.
Wow. I love hearing my emotions make me actually strong in any way, shape, or form. :proud: Maybe I will hang out here more often. :)

Your heart is very strong but seemingly too strong sometimes because it pulls you around very strongly when it starts to pitter and patter when it receives emotional stimuli, validation and love. It swells to such a size and such a strength that it is difficult to hold it back for your own health.



As my very scientific and complicated picture above, this indicates the dynamic that happens. The only difference is that the heart, in fact, grows to godzilla size and the poor brain can only hold on for dear life.
Hahaha! So true! OMG my heart is SO Godzilla! Where the hell did you find that graphic? Omg, I need it on my wall, in front of my bed in order to center me first thing every morning.

I don't think I have a brain when it comes to love. My heart ate it. :unsure:
 

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Oh thank you! This is good, practical advice I can follow! However, unfortunately I can all too easily pick up on other's "uncomfortable vibe". So as far as the speech is concerned, I do tend to alter it in order to make them feel better. So hard to hang onto my Fi in these situations when Ne keeps pulling me inside their head and their heart. I'm a little too used to protecting other's hearts. :sad:
If you are not comfortable in doing that then just give them subtle clues in conversation like:
"I am not the king of girl that rushes into relationships"
"When a guys tries to rush me into a relationship I feel bad"
etc.
Just make your own lines and be sincere. And tell this things like you mean them in general (you are not talking abut him). If he has at least half of a brain he will get the idea. Also be careful not to overdo it.
Hope that helps :)
 

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I can't tell if you are serious or not. Unlike many I know you have had problems with INFJ's in the past. I'm pretty sure you are serious, but I'm reserved to answer.
 

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So here is my first problem:

When I am first dating someone, how do I take it slow when they want to move fast and want commitment right away? I have a problem with letting myself get tied down too fast because of my stupid empathy. I enter relationships I don't want to be in because I feel bad.
I do not make a habit of telling anyone what she or he should or should not do, and I never give unsolicited advice (unless it involves behavior which in some manner contributes to my detriment). However, since this is solicited, and I seem to have precisely the same problem, I would be delighted with insight in how to avoid this in the future.
 

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MOTM Nov 2010
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Discussion Starter #11
I can't tell if you are serious or not. Unlike many I know you have had problems with INFJ's in the past. I'm pretty sure you are serious, but I'm reserved to answer.
Lol.@Hokahey, remember when I've said I didn't like being told what to do by my INFJ friends? Well this is me eating crow and saying you DO understand me and I'd like to hear advice.

I spy a ruse..
You really better be smiling when you say that. Your accusation is an attempt to completely minimize my posts and the honesty behind them. I'm afraid you don't understand me and have a personal bias due to our history. Not cool.

**********
I have a new problem now. And I know you are all better at this than me.

I have an ENTP teenage daughter. She regularly tears into my heart because she has little empathy. How do I guide her individuality without being trampled on by her T? I can't begin to explain the depth of pain I've gone through raising this child.

But I've heard INFJs can really "get" ENTPs. I just don't know how you protect yourselves dealing with them. And obviously, I've never loved anyone in my life more.
 
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So here is my first problem:

When I am first dating someone, how do I take it slow when they want to move fast and want commitment right away? I have a problem with letting myself get tied down too fast because of my stupid empathy. I enter relationships I don't want to be in because I feel bad.
Be honest and upfront with your emotions right away. Define the groundwork/framework. If they can't handle that, fuck em' (not literally, lol). I think you have to reason yourself to not feel bad, remember you don't know this person the points that lead them to continue to make the choices they made to be a certain way isn't on you to "match" with or feel bad about. They have the same opportunity as you with life, not saying you don't have to feel bad because some things haven't gone their way at all, but you're not obligated either. Just remember if you match correctly then you match correctly, if you don't then you don't. I'm not gonna say "trust your heart, blah blah blah" but trust your instincts and emotions and the things that make you feel good and happy. Run with your self-definition, the other person who can come along and run with it as well is worth the chance. Other people who don't fit are great people, but they are running a different path, let them run it so they can find their way to happiness.

Lol.@Hokahey, remember when I've said I didn't like being told what to do by my INFJ friends? Well this is me eating crow and saying you DO understand me and I'd like to hear advice.
Eww, crow seems like a nasty animal to eat. lol :p

I have a new problem now. And I know you are all better at this than me.

I have an ENTP teenage daughter. She regularly tears into my heart because she has little empathy. How do I guide her individuality without being trampled on by her T? I can't begin to explain the depth of pain I've gone through raising this child.

But I've heard INFJs can really "get" ENTPs. I just don't know how you protect yourselves dealing with them. And obviously, I've never loved anyone in my life more.
When I don't want to tell you "what to do" but maybe just in the "spirit" understand this, when you want to inspire/guide someone, you have to do it from their angle and push them with their motives (passions). Remember to be available for her no matter what, let her know when she's "confused" with life, you're right there with a perspective. And don't be afraid to be "wrong" or too prideful to see her perspective on things.

She's a person with filters of how she views the world. She wants to grow and learn how to experience the world on her own and understand it, however, like most people making and being the choices they make comes with support and positive feedback along with realistic outlook and even some negative feedback in order to grow and self-define one's life.

I would just "deal" by simply acknowledging personal journey for each individual. I've watched my step-dad (suspected ESFP) turn very unhealthy, I attempted to step in and help support him and hope he wouldn't look at everything so negatively, but after a while I realize it's the path he continues to choose after countless years of me grilling him about just thinking happier. Sorry that might not be "comforting" but in some respects you have to be acceptable to failure in some respects and be there when the bottom drops a little to help support.
 
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