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Are you more likely to be the dumper or dumpee in a relationship?

  • I never/rarely get dumped.

    Votes: 20 48.8%
  • It's a mix. I've been on both sides a few times.

    Votes: 10 24.4%
  • I usually/always am the one to get dumped.

    Votes: 9 22.0%
  • I'm not an INFJ, but I've dumped an INFJ.

    Votes: 1 2.4%
  • I'm not an INFJ, but I've been dumped by an INFJ.

    Votes: 1 2.4%
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Do you find that you are more often the one who does the dumping in relationships or are you more likely the one to get dumped? And why do you think that is?

My intuition thinks it already knows the answer to this question, but I want to see if I am right ...
 

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Never been dumped. Are we counting rejections outside of relationships here?

Thing is, there have only been 2 noteworthy opportunities for this to date. spidey-sense tells me this would change with an increase in sample size. . .
 

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Both, I guess. If I think someone's gonna dump me I'll simply do it first. :ninja: As you can tell, I wasn't too serious with the relationships I'm talking about. I wouldn't just act on a whim in a serious one.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Good points, all. I was thinking of it in terms of established, committed relationships (since we INFJs seem to rarely have the casual kind), but pre-relationship rejection is an interesting topic. Especially because it may occur during the stage when INFJs haven't fully opened up to the other person. When you've been rejected before the relationship even started, do you think it was because you were too closed off or too difficult to read?
 

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Good points, all. I was thinking of it in terms of established, committed relationships (since we INFJs seem to rarely have the casual kind), but pre-relationship rejection is an interesting topic. Especially because it may occur during the stage when INFJs haven't fully opened up to the other person. When you've been rejected before the relationship even started, do you think it was because you were too closed off or too difficult to read?
I don't think it was for those reasons. I told the guy how I felt, but he didn't feel the same way and basically friend-zoned me. I've done that to people before, so perhaps I deserved that...
 

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My relationship history: (haha, it's like an emotional resume!)

Guy 1: We were "together" since preschool (yeah I know it sounds silly) When we were 15 he told me I was more like a friend to him. I was devastated for a year, since I really loved him and had envisioned a future with him and so on. A few years later he came out of the closet.

Guy 2: We met on the internet. It only lasted for 6 months and we saw each other 6 time in real life. In the end he just didn't really pay attention to me anymore. I guess we mutually broke up, but only after he started ignoring me.

-Got rejected by a guy here but I don't count it as being dumped-
-Also rejected someone else multiple times here-

Guy 3: I was just a toy to him. He seduced me when he still had a girlfriend. I refused to be with him like that, then he broke up. He kept flirting with me and the moment I thought we had something he openly declared his love for another girl. He assured me it wasn't really meant like that and that she's just his best friend. He completely started ignoring me then. When I told him I preferred to stay friends if he was going to act like that, he asked whether he did something wrong. He got in another relationship, then again he asked me to sleep with him. (Yeah he was quite an asshole, trying to convince me he would break up with his girlfriend because she was not what he wanted.) Long story short: it never was a real relationship but it still felt like being cheated on and dumped.

Guy 4: This was a bit a fault on my part. I was really sad and broken, and this guy was in love with me and saw his chance to comfort me. He's a very nice guy but I didn't really feel attracted to him, and his lack of determination and ambition were a turn off to me. I was also in love with my current boyfriend, but at that time he didn't show interest in me. So this guy started talking to me and I was finally able to pour out all my feelings and so it happened. (Guy 3 was pissed off, he said I only did it to annoy him.) But I couldn't see a future for us + we didn't dare to tell our parents (I was just 19, he almost 26) + my love for my current boyfriend kept growing stronger. It just didn't feel right to me. So yeah, after barely 2 months, I was the one who dumped him. I felt horrible. I felt like I had become a bit of Guy 3. I felt I had used this guy because I was used by Guy 3. But he took it quite well. As if he knew too that it just wasn't meant to be. We're actually still friends and talk regularly.

And then finally my current boyfriend thought it was time to drop some hints. And actually very soon after my last breakup, I got together with my boyfriend. I felt very bad about it at first, but this just felt like the right thing. And now, more than 2 years later, I'm so glad we got together...

After Guy 2 everything happened in less than a year. I was a mess, really all over the place.

This is actually the first time I ever write it down like this. Feels like kind of a relief... Anyway, I've had some messy, fuzzy relationships, but I feel like I'm generally the dumpee and only one time really the dumper. Ow yeah, guy 3? He didn't talk to me anymore when he found out I wasn't single anymore. You can probably notice I'm not completely over him. Not that I want him back, but more like I want him to feel all the pain he's done to others. What I describe here is only a fraction of what he did that year, and I doubt I even know everything.

TL;DR: 1 dumped me then found out he was gay, 2 started ignoring me then we had a mutual breakup, 3 just played with me, I dumped 4.
Sorry for the long post! Just some insights in an INFJ's relationships.
 

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I have been on both sides but I usually am the one getting dumped.
"I love you and maybe I always will but......" it´s a common line I heard.
Maybe it is easier for them to give up on me than for me to give up on them, or maybe I´m just not an easy person to deal with.
Either way, it´s been always for the best I have to admit.
 

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Before the relationship-stage (includes flings that didn't amount to anything deeper): I've been rejected quite a few times, but over all, I'd say I was the one to reject more often.

Serious longterm relationships:
No. 1: I ended it.
No. 2: Mutual.
No. 3: He died. I don't think that counts as "he ended it" in the common sense.
No. 4: Mutual, still very good friends.
No. 5: I pulled the plug and got divorced.
No. 6: Lasting since 2005 and still growing strong.
 
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Been the dumper, not dumped so far.

I tend to think along the lines of Sedem though - my sample size is not large.

The decision to end things was never taken lightly or done with enjoyment. Perhaps a bad reason but one reason why I'm usually cautious about getting involved with someone - not wanting to end up hurting them should I realise things are not right. The times when I've realised how much a change of heart has affected someone have really stayed with me.
 

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Out of "official" relationships, I broke up with two guys, and was broken up with by two guys, but one of them broke up with me six times. Not sure how that affects the scores....

Also, I married that guy, so maybe that says something, too. Ha!
 
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I have been dumped by two people I really loved. They both took a long time to get over. Other than that, I have always been the one to end the relationship.
 

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I've been the dumper 8 or 9 times. I've been technically dumped three times. One was mutual where the guy avoided my phone calls, probably because he knew I was going to break up with him so he just broke up with me via Myspace, which really made me mad.
The first time I was dumped, I was in junior high, my first "boyfriend" who I dated a whole three weeks, so I barely count that. I broke up with first, asked him to go back out, and then he broke up with me, I think to get back at me. [really stupid kid stuff]
I was only REALLY dumped once, where I really felt dumped. I was still into the guy but I made some mistakes that caused him not to trust me, which really hurt because I could completely understand his point of view and I had no one to blame but myself.

At this point, being broke up with does kind of terrify me. Because I'm not used to being the one broken up with. I;m not exactly sure how I would react. Even in the case where I felt really unmutually dumped, we hadn't been together or known each other for very long and he lived a bit away, so the blow wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been.

I think one reason that may make INFJ's more likely to be the "dumper" is that we are able to read people well. If you can feel your partner wanting to not be with you anymore, you know you either need to fix something in the relationship or lose hope and then you can just break up with them.
We, with all our future thinking and looking for future problems, can be a double edged sword though.
The last two relationships I left, I did admittedlty look back at, wondering if I cut the rope prematurely.
 

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I think one reason that may make INFJ's more likely to be the "dumper" is that we are able to read people well. If you can feel your partner wanting to not be with you anymore, you know you either need to fix something in the relationship or lose hope and then you can just break up with them.
Oddly, this reminds me of the one situation in which I wasn't the one to officially end it. She kept telling me she wanted me and us. It was increasingly obvious to me that she was still deeply attached to her rather toxic ex. She (my lover) had a passively manipulative streak where she would basically get people to do what she didn't want to do for herself - she wasn't malicious at all, she just was into staying numb and passive to avoid certain kinds of difficulty and responsibility. I wasn't interested in allowing her to make me the decision-maker because the way I saw it, the problem wasn't mine. So I hung in, paid close attention and allowed reality to play itself out to the point where not only her attachment to her ex but our communication incompatibilities got so visible that she finally stepped up and took the responsibility she had been evading. It was such a relief when that happened!!

We, with all our future thinking and looking for future problems, can be a double edged sword though.
The last two relationships I left, I did admittedlty look back at, wondering if I cut the rope prematurely.
Well, speaking as someone who chose to allow that situation to play itself out rather than break up when I knew what was going on, I can say that in my case, I had been seeing clearly. I was lucky to be pretty deeply centered and strong at that time, so I was able to allow it to spool out so the truth revealed itself. So that is always an option, to know what's going on but wait until it shows itself so clearly it can't be doubted anymore. But I think in a lot of cases, the pain of such a process would be considerable. I remember thinking that many others would have had their hearts horribly broken by that experience, and it was only the position I was in at the time that allowed me to stay centered and basically well.
 

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I've been the one to end each of my relationships, but, like others have said, the sample size is small. I've been with only 4 people. I've never been with anyone outside a relationship, so I have no input to contribute there. I've never been rejected only because I've never tried to initiate a relationship.

Any and all of that could change after my divorce, though. Meh.
 
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