Personality Cafe banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 54 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
113 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
So an ENTJ female friend and myself were hanging out one night. I made her some dinner and then we had a few drinks and watched some vampire show for one of her elective classes. Well we ended up cuddling on the couch and engaging in a night of drunken passion. Neither of us regretted the decision and we both left things on good terms. I talked to her the next day and we both agreed that we liked spending time with each other and wanted to go out again. Well here is where it gets complicated. She has a boyfriend, who she constantly complains about, and said boyfriend is also someone who I was friends with when we were in school together. We went on a proper date and we both had a lot of fun even though the movie we went to see was pretty terrible. Oh and I should mention since our original encounter we've been texting like crazy about random things Intellectual, family, and cute meaningless conversations.

So I sort of expected that once we started dating that she would dump her old BF and we would become exclusive. We talked about it and I asked her what she thought would be the outcome of this. Her answer was "I haven't thought about it much" To which I responded "Well I don't think it is right to date two people, and I think you should make a decision as to who you want to be with." She responded with "Why do guys have to make things so hard?"

Am I expecting too much? I mean I've been giving her space and I don't plan to bring up ending her relationship again. This whole dating a girl with a boyfriend is 100 percent against my moral code, but the way I feel when I'm with her and what we both want out of life makes her very attractive to me.

You guys/gals are a straightforward crowd so I would appreciate honest and straight advice on how to proceed with no sugar coating.

Thanks from an Emotional/Irrational INFP :tongue:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,102 Posts
Never date someone who has a boyfriend, husband, wife, etc. They almost never break up with them for you. You will remain just a piece on the side. Most times, they will lead you on thinking you have a shot someday, but its pretty clear this girl flat out told you that it isn't going to happen. If you are okay with just being a piece on the side, stick with it.

Also, if they are willing to cheat on their current boyfriend for you, its a clear sign they may cheat on you in the chance you do get together someday. Just something to think about.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
113 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
You're not expecting too much. Sounds like this person has horribly inferior Fi and a penchant for instant gratification. Red flag much?
Thanks yeah you hit the nail on the head. I think I have a better idea of where things stand between us now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
899 Posts
She responded with "Why do guys have to make things so hard?"


She's probably young? Late teens, early 20ies? Normal stuff if so. If she is older, then don't expect much.
You know she had a bf, and yet made a move.

You stand a chance if the other guy makes something serious enough for her to ditch him and keep you. Generally as mentioned, we keep the first guy, or (less often) the one that causes the least trouble, even unknowingly.
A trick that works wonders, is, if she insists on double game, show her some double game of your own and act innocent "wut? you said it was a free relationship. Do you want to go steady with me?. It works with guys ~20 but with girls is a tad more tricky.

IF, either you, or her, are mid 20ies and up:
- this will go nowhere and she will stay with him, unless he ditches her.
- if you prove nice enough, she will ditch the meanie, for you (rare-ish)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
113 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
She's probably young? Late teens, early 20ies? Normal stuff if so. If she is older, then don't expect much.
You know she had a bf, and yet made a move.
Yeah nail on the head she is 20 I'm 23 and her current boyfriend is 23. Thanks for your post Boss yeah I mean we have a ton of fun together and some of the conversations we have are quite enlightening. I knew from the start I couldn't go all INFP on her and get obsessed and smothering so I've been keeping things light and puckish lately with a dash of intellectualism sprinkled on top for good measure. My approach going forward is to maintain the friendship that we have and if it goes somewhere great! If she wants to stay with her current BF I'm not going to invest my time and energy into something that doesn't emotionally stimulate me.

Thanks again everyone for all the advice! If I would have posted this in the INFP forum people would have probably started writing poems :p
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
378 Posts
My approach going forward is to maintain the friendship that we have and if it goes somewhere great! If she wants to stay with her current BF I'm not going to invest my time and energy into something that doesn't emotionally stimulate me.
How are you okay with a woman who clearly has no consideration for her current partner? She also appears to see no issue with what she is doing. Also, "I haven't thought about it much." Huge red flags. If I acted this way (and I'm in my early 20s) - I am probably unhappy with my relationship and looking for comfort through someone else. This doesn't mean I want a relationship with you. I'm essentially using you.

I'd stay as far away as possible if you want something emotionally fulfilling and rewarding.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
113 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
How are you okay with a woman who clearly has no consideration for her current partner? She also appears to see no issue with what she is doing.
Well IDK I'm not really OK with it or I wouldn't have posted here, but on the other hand I feel for her and I want to provide her a better relationship than the one she is currently in. I mean we are getting into apples an oranges territory because my actions are ruled by my emotions. I know you'll have trouble understanding what that is like but I'll try and explain. How you use logic and reason to solve problems makes sense to you, in the same way emotions make sense to me. For example if you, as a supervisor, see a situation at work where two employees are arguing about a way to go about things you listen to their problem and based on logic and reason form your own opinion of the situation and tell them how to perform the task. In the same situation I as an INFP would listen to both parties and based on the emotions that each of the people made me feel I would make my decision based on the one that I felt would be most beneficial. (I would also try and find a compromise but that is off point) Anyway to tie this diatribe together everything I've done so far feels right and natural and I'll continue to do what I've been doing as long as it doesn't make me feel terrible.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
899 Posts
I knew from the start I couldn't go all INFP on her and get obsessed and smothering so I've been keeping things light and puckish lately with a dash of intellectualism sprinkled on top for good measure. My approach going forward is to maintain the friendship that we have and if it goes somewhere great! If she wants to stay with her current BF I'm not going to invest my time and energy into something that doesn't emotionally stimulate me.
AND
Anyway to tie this diatribe together everything I've done so far feels right and natural and I'll continue to do what I've been doing as long as it doesn't make me feel terrible.
Perfect approach!
YOu are clearly into this with open eyes, following your heart but with rational caution. Thoughtful and strong at the same time. Practical and yet, open minded. Mature and smart. She can benefit from learning from you. I hope she gets the chance.

If things are so awful with her boyfriend, then why is she still with him? Why not break up with him?
It's simple at those ages. Adolescent attitude. Playful superficiality. People do not mature at the same pace.
She is strong still, love hasn't crushed her, so she doesn't see relationships as "do or die" situations even though she can prove quite dramatic at times. Probably sees the situation as funny, a bit mischievous but, not detrimental for any of the parties involved.
And we all have bitched, complaint or felt sorrow about a mere aspect of our bf's and even husbands at some time. Especially an E that thinks out loud, may miss how people perceive this.
She's just young imo.
 

·
fire breathing dragon
Joined
·
2,810 Posts
I agree with the above.

Drop her before she does it to you first. You're projecting your feeling function on to her. Odds are she doesn't care for you and is only using you to get sex and affection and to complain to someone about her bf. If you're okay with this FWB deal then continue but you obviously seem to want more. I know INFPs use feelings to make decisions and cutting your losses now may impact you emtionally but I think this situation is perfect for some cold unfeeling rationality. DROP HER ASS NOW.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,683 Posts
Look @Vatar, some girls just want to be wanted. Look for the signs that this is what she's after. There's a difference between complaining about your boyfriend (although, I think it's always inappropriate to do it with someone of the opposite sex, unless they are your best friend or something). When a person starts complaining about their significant other to a member of the opposite sex, they are opening a door...and usually it's for a reason.

Have you asked her why she stays with him? You can get a feel for what she's up to if you ask her questions. And I personally don't think she's confused. In my experience with my ENTJ (everyone is different), they are rarely indecisive. That's why they hate it when others are. She knows what she's doing. Get out of this web before you get stuck.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
8,597 Posts
To be honest wiarumas is most likely correct. If she's seeing you to make up for a bad relationship she's currently in then you're likely just some action on the side that's in addition to her current SO. For your sake, you should stop seeking a relationship with her until she's willing to be more firm with her commitment.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
113 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
So quick update we had another couple awesome nights together and she decided last night that she is leaving her Boyfriend and we are going to be official. Thanks guys for all the comments I appreciated them and have a nice day.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,683 Posts
And that's why I hate giving romantic advice; it's usually pointless. It's always going to be a choice the individual makes. Anyways, congrats (?) and good luck.
He said "she is leaving her boyfriend" we shall see...and if she remains faithful. I'm not being a pessimist; as my ENTJ would say "I'm a realist" ;)
 

·
fire breathing dragon
Joined
·
2,810 Posts
He said "she is leaving her boyfriend" we shall see...and if she remains faithful. I'm not being a pessimist; as my ENTJ would say "I'm a realist" ;)
I'll say it: I likeliness of this ending badly is very high. The likeliness of her dumping/cutting off her ex completely for you, is very low. However, I'm all down for risk taking and he knows his odds, so I agree with MK, Good Luck!
 
1 - 20 of 54 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top