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Welp. As we all know, INFP's live in a world of well...happily every afters. We believe in true love but we aren't oblivious to the success of marriage statistics. Which leads me to the question of whether one should choose a lifetime partner they are passionate for with intense emotions in everything they do and value the same beliefs or choose a partner based off of compatibility...a best friend type of relationship. Granted, I understand both would be ideal but this is just not the case.

Back story here is I am an INFP completely but oppositely in love with two guys. One, an INTJ, and the other, ESFJ. Couldn't be more opposite people which is why I am passionately in love with the INTJ but compatibly in love with the ESFJ.

I can have the most intellectual, mind-blowing conversations with the INTJ and he understands me on a whole different level; almost like we can speak with words and know exactly what each other is saying. It's passionate, intense, emotional, everything...he's that true love kind of feeling. But, he can also be a pompous ass. Plain and simple (not that my INFP sensitivity has anything to do with that opinion ;) ) Then, there is the ESFJ who cares for me and accepts me for whoever I want to be today, tomorrow, in the next hour; it doesn't matter because he will always love me for me but he is the type who does everything to please. So the values, beliefs, opinions are whatever mine are...which to some people, that sounds like a dream partner but apparently not to most INFPs. I want him to be who he wants to be and me to love that person who has values and beliefs larger than himself but it's almost like he's incapable of it because he just wants to please everyone and everything.

So which one is it people?! The one you are passionately in love with or your best friend?
 

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I know the practical, logical answer is to pick compatibility, which lasts more in the long run than passion does. It's the ideal foundation for a solid long term relationship, whereas passion is typically something that fades over time. At the same time, I can't help but pick passion - if the two could not be reconciled. I need to be stimulated in a relationship, challenged. I want, at least in the beginning, to be swept off my feet and feel like my arteries are clogged with butterflies. Then again, in my experience, the two can be found in one person.

INTJ guy seems to do that for you. I don't understand why that isn't compatibility in your book. Considering the amazing conversations you have and the chemistry between you two, I'd say that's promising.
 

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Your best friend. Compatibility...

The brain can remain passionate for so long, and once that passion is gone, if the relationship was based on nothing else, it will start to deteriorate. If it is based on friendship, however, it can last a lifetime. Marriages fail a lot nowadays because people think sexual attraction/limerence = love. but well... read my sig. We choose to love, as opposed to what we are taught, that love just happens.
 
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I'm confused as to why "mind blowing conversations and understanding on a different level" makes for passion and not compatibility. Maybe we just have a different definition for one and the other. Your version of passion sounds like compatibility to me. Since you're calling it passion I'm assuming there is attraction there as well. The compatibility part sounds like acceptance to me, which while it's probably something most people strive for, can also be experienced with friends/family/other. You did not mention attraction here at all, though I'm aware I might not be seeing all there is from those few lines of text.

What I'm wondering is, could it be that you feel unsure about the INTJ, because you fear he's not accepting you as you'd like? Does he not have his own values and beliefs and respect for your own?
 

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Choose both. ;)

I don't mean men, I just meant to the answer to your question. Of course compatibility is something that maintains a relationship, and so on. But it can't completely be passionless can it?
 

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I know the practical, logical answer is to pick compatibility, which lasts more in the long run than passion does. It's the ideal foundation for a solid long term relationship, whereas passion is typically something that fades over time. At the same time, I can't help but pick passion - if the two could not be reconciled. I need to be stimulated in a relationship, challenged. I want, at least in the beginning, to be swept off my feet and feel like my arteries are clogged with butterflies. Then again, in my experience, the two can be found in one person.

INTJ guy seems to do that for you. I don't understand why that isn't compatibility in your book. Considering the amazing conversations you have and the chemistry between you two, I'd say that's promising.
I appreciated this post. Gives a whole new perspective on it...

This sort of sounds like Edward vs. Jacob xD
Haha that is exactly how I look at it too...


I'm confused as to why "mind blowing conversations and understanding on a different level" makes for passion and not compatibility. Maybe we just have a different definition for one and the other. Your version of passion sounds like compatibility to me. Since you're calling it passion I'm assuming there is attraction there as well. The compatibility part sounds like acceptance to me, which while it's probably something most people strive for, can also be experienced with friends/family/other. You did not mention attraction here at all, though I'm aware I might not be seeing all there is from those few lines of text.

What I'm wondering is, could it be that you feel unsure about the INTJ, because you fear he's not accepting you as you'd like? Does he not have his own values and beliefs and respect for your own?
I really appreciate your angle of perspective on this...and I do think that has a large part in all this. However, that is where the confusion lies because the ESFJ really will accept anybody they care for, that's just who they are. But the INTJ he does accept me but he also challenges me not only to be a better person but puts in my place sometimes as far as my disorganized, unstructured life goes. Granted I hate when he does it but I think I wouldn't be feeling this way right now if the ESFJ did that too.

The compatibility part is something between both of them however I guess when I describe it with the ESFJ it's the "I can be with you 24/7 and be content."

But I don't think I was built to live a life of contentment.

Choose both. ;)

I don't mean men, I just meant to the answer to your question. Of course compatibility is something that maintains a relationship, and so on. But it can't completely be passionless can it?
No...but it's not that "true love" kind of feeling.




Everyone's post here are so different but the same, in which I appreciate so much. But I have to ask; how do we know what most people choose their lifetime partners for? Considering INFPs and INTJs are so rare in terms of percentage population numbers, maybe the most passionate love mainly exists within the Idealists 8% (INFJ INFP ENFP ENFJ) and Rationalists 8% (INTJ INTP ENTJ ENTP) rather than the Experiencers 40% and Traditionalists 45%. I'm not saying that true love doesn't exist between these but if the majority of divorces are happening it is mostly between the highest portion of these personalities and their preferences for a lifetime partner are probably based off of the "safe list" knowing that the Experiencers and Traditionalists live a very structured, people pleasing life so maybe they choose their partners for who would be "right", rather than feelings.

Maybe passion isn't doomed for failure, sure it may die but I just can't give-up on my happily ever after story.
 

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I equate passion with a high amount of sexual attraction and compatibility as having similar values/way of life. Consequently, it sounds like to me that you have both with the INTJ guy. So, go for it! Your relationship with the ESFJ guy just sounds like the kind of the unconditional love you'd get from your family. Even though you say you'd be "content" with him, you don't really sound attracted to him at all. It's not like it's impossible for him to have a passionate relationship - just not with you apparently. There's nothing wrong with being "safe", imo, but if there isn't any attraction there, then there just isn't.

Anyway, if I had to only pick one, I'd pick passion because if there's no initial attraction then what's the point of starting a relationship at all?

Everyone's post here are so different but the same, in which I appreciate so much. But I have to ask; how do we know what most people choose their lifetime partners for? Considering INFPs and INTJs are so rare in terms of percentage population numbers, maybe the most passionate love mainly exists within the Idealists 8% (INFJ INFP ENFP ENFJ) and Rationalists 8% (INTJ INTP ENTJ ENTP) rather than the Experiencers 40% and Traditionalists 45%. I'm not saying that true love doesn't exist between these but if the majority of divorces are happening it is mostly between the highest portion of these personalities and their preferences for a lifetime partner are probably based off of the "safe list" knowing that the Experiencers and Traditionalists live a very structured, people pleasing life so maybe they choose their partners for who would be "right", rather than feelings.
I think the reason behind the high divorce rate is way, way more complex than you're making it here and probably merits its own topic. Plus I believe MBTI statistics are a bunch of crock anyway. :s They always tell me NFs are super rare, but they're literally the only people I ever run into. >_O
 

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The one you are passionately in love with or your best friend?
Why does it have to be one of these two? I'd suggest looking amongst the other billions of people on the planet but that's my personal suggestion to this dilemma as I don't understand how you can disqualify 99.99999% of the population with the question here.
 

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Choose your best friend ;-)

Falling in love with someone eventually fades away

Loving and/or being loved lasts a LIFETIME :)

By 4w3 SX/SP
 
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Hi great story. I've been doing intensive research on INFP's, so just out of intellectual curiosity...which one did you sleep with?
 

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My mother told me that the most successful marriages are between two best friends. She and my father used to be great friends and then they turned to partners overtime. They are still together to this day, and despite what life has thrown at them (Illnesses, financial problems, etc) that would have made the average marriage crumble down to the ground, they still love and hold each other tightly.

Believe me, passion is exciting but it is never stable and sometimes, it ends horribly so. If I were you, I'd go with the ESFJ. He sounds like a total sweetheart. Who cares if he doesn't have anything super exciting to say everyday? Honey if debate is what you want, join a debate club or something. Your romantic partner shouldn't be 100% exactly like you... that gets boring after a while, don't you think? A healthy relationship, while both partners share a lot of the same things together, can also benefit from time apart and putting their time in their own separate interests as well.
 

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Why does it have to be one of these two? I'd suggest looking amongst the other billions of people on the planet but that's my personal suggestion to this dilemma as I don't understand how you can disqualify 99.99999% of the population with the question here.
I agree with this most. Because I don't see why anyone should settle for anything less than both. I think if I HAD to choose, I would absolutely, hands down, no question about it, choose my best friend. Knowing that passion is something that can be created(with effort on both parties) over and over again ... nonetheless ...

I think it the most common and foolish decisions one can make is to settle down for less than what you want out of fear of being alone. Don't burn bridges, take your time ... life is long and we are young ;)
 

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I hardly care for what's reliable in the long-run if it does not excite me. In that sense, I would never choose compatibility alone and passion is always welcome, though fleeting as it might be.

However, if they are not one and the same, I would lose interest.

Very quickly.
 

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It depends on how far into the future you are looking, and what you are willing to give in a relationship. A relationship with your best friend would be easy and natural. You wouldn't have to give in so much, and he already accepts who you are, what you think, what you feel. The work in this relationship would be in bringing in the spontaneity and some liveliness. For the INTJ you would need to be able to concede in your beliefs when you disagree because sometimes he will give in (probably not), in which case you will have to be able to live with disagreement or you will have to give in, either of which take work. Condescension is the biggest key of failed relationships--if you cannot respect each other, the relationship will likely fall apart and if you think strongly that the other is wrong in an intellectual respect in those conflict situations, it can be difficult on the relationship. And passion does burn out, so that may not be there to help you gloss over arguments in the future. However, if you can continue to admire his intellect despite thinking that he can be an "ass," it could be a good relationship and he may be able to be your best friend. However, he will probably not ever be as emotionally available to you as the ESFJ just by nature of his personality if that is something that is important to you. If I were you, I would pick the best friend.
 

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It doesn't sound like the ESFJ is actually more compatible than the INTJ. Deep and interesting conversations make him sound compatible as well. Passion is more linked to sex (though it may be tied to a romantic notion of love so the person with the passion may not recognize this). Be careful throwing around words like "passion" and "compatibility."

But, both of them fulfill different compatibility needs. The ESFJ, you are probably a lot more comfortable with. But, is there really anything interesting there for you in the future? Anything he has to offer you? Why not just remain friends with him? The INTJ will hurt you a lot in a relationship. He won't be likely to spare your feelings if it will be beneficial in the long run :p That will help you grow, though. Though, if he is really an "ass" you may be too incompatible. Its enough of a rollercoaster in my relationship with an INFP and I like to think I'm not an "ass" XD
 
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I can say which side I lean towards with this dichotomy, but I can't say I'd ever choose based on one.
@whist , i shit you not that used to be my avatar, i love that llama immensely.

 

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I don't want this to sound mean, but the fact that you're asking this question leads me to believe that neither are really the answer.
You don't have to end up with one of them. You have a path that has nothing to do with anyone else. Life is a process and sometimes questions like this lead to greater questions instead of answers (and by great I mean they are really fun and awesome, as well as educational).

Or you could just try one and see what happens. IDK--or you could leave them both and live in a monastery--that'd probly be the safest bet.
 

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The one you are passionately in love with or your best friend?

Might I rephrase the question. A one-night stand or a sex-less marriage?

In the end though these are two unique individual people and not two types. I don't have enough information to pick between two people.

Could you and each of them please fill out the 276 questions on the link below. Once you have then I may be able to help further, or, you may find the answer yourself.

276 QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE YOU MARRY
 
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