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INFP confession thread

2M views 34K replies 2K participants last post by  burningsoul 
#1 ·
I decided to start this :p

I will go first..

This year is the year I finally feel truly comfortable and accepting of my face and my body ;)
 
#33,601 ·
why are instincts so violently at war with heart's desire. Instincts want sex of the most depraved kind and heart wants romance of the most elevated kind. What is this? How does a person get so fucked up in the mind, in the body? How? What is this? Is this human self? Is this modernity doing it to me? Where is my agency? What do I decide? How do I know what is right for me? What will get me peace? Joy? Experience? Excitement? I am so torn, daily. And then to accomodate that mostrous beautiful woman, my wife, in the mid of all this mess. I am scared. And not to forget that meaningless deadend job. I am not screaming. I am trying to whisper here. I am a mess, addmittedly. And I am grateful that I have this place to express whatever this is that I carry inside me. Wish I had someone to talk to about all this in a non-entangled non-erotic way.
 
#33,602 ·
why are instincts so violently at war with heart's desire. Instincts want sex of the most depraved kind and heart wants romance of the most elevated kind. What is this? How does a person get so fucked up in the mind, in the body? How? What is this? Is this human self? Is this modernity doing it to me? Where is my agency? What do I decide? How do I know what is right for me? What will get me peace? Joy? Experience? Excitement? I am so torn, daily. And then to accomodate that mostrous beautiful woman, my wife, in the mid of all this mess. I am scared. And not to forget that meaningless deadend job. I am not screaming. I am trying to whisper here. I am a mess, addmittedly. And I am grateful that I have this place to express whatever this is that I carry inside me. Wish I had someone to talk to about all this in a non-entangled non-erotic way.
Does it help you to know that you are not alone with these conflicted desires? I think we all go through it to a certain extent.

In my opinion, the depravity that we sometimes crave is at least partly due our exposure to it in the modern world's systems. But, traveling too far down that road can lead to a very dark place. In the greater scheme of things, we believe the pure romance holds much more of a lasting quality, a more graceful, almost ethereal, state when at its best.

These things in truth are such opposite paths, but can often get so mixed in our heads. It is a daily choice to move one way rather than the other. I am far from perfect at it, but considering where I once was . . .

To be scared, would say that's normal also. There is nothing wrong with a certain type and level of fear in and of itself. I mean, such choices hold lasting consequences. It is a battle.

I always think of the cartoons I watched when I was a child. The "bad gus" on one shoulder trying to trick me to go down one path, the "good gus" on the other shoulder urging me down the other.
Cartoon Textile Mammal Fawn Art

I understand this so much more now.


What are you carrying inside of you? Unsure. I often have similar undefinable feelings of general . . . discontentment(?) for lack of a better word. Stepping back though, I often see things are actually better than that, so I've renamed it a more vague emotional restlessness.

Am I anywhere close to what you're talking about?
 
#33,603 ·
Back in 2020 I bought my friends' place. And now, just a little over 3 years later, I did it again. It is kind of funny how that all worked out, as it was not only just out of convenience, nor was it simply granted to me as a sort of preferred buyer. We let the market run its course and used official channels for the bidding.

And besides; the house, the location, the neighbourhood, the town... it just fits with my wishes over everything else I have seen on the market in the past year or so. The housing market has been brutal over here in NL over the past 4 years. For better and for worse, depending on whether or not you got ''into'' the pool of home-ownership or not.

Yet, I can't shake the feeling... my friend now has a family of his own now and i'm still flying solo through life. Spiritually it feels kind of strange to follow in his footsteps and remain so connected to him in some ways (i've known him since I was 2 years old or so). Our lives turned out so different, but they still co-exist or intersect in profound ways. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if our roles were in reverse, when I would be him and he would be me;

  • Would I be happier, or not?
  • Would I be more at peace, or not?
  • Would I feel more fulfilled, or not?
  • Would my life feel more like a developing story and feel less aimless?

Don't get me wrong, I am still proud of my own achievements and success, which are of a different kind. But in the end I don't think the essence of living a life as a human is to amass degrees, skills, wealth and assets alone. Though these are things that are within my own control. It is a narrative I can steer, and in all honestly that is what I like. I know I couldn't live a life just randomly and all adventurous. I am a control-freak. One that .... ''sometimes'' .... likes to be impulsive.

I just don't want another 5 or 10 years to go by like this; meaning simply ''me, myself and I'' enjoying my spacious house that has no story, no spirit, no soul to it. It's just space ....

I know I do it for myself, and that is fine. But mehh.... there must be more to it. I can't just go play house by myself and pretend to have a life :ROFLMAO:. But okay, at least I won't have crappy neighbours any longer. That alone is a true godsend. I will celebrate that like a INFP :cool:. That means me sitting in a chair and enjoy the utter silence. I need my peace and quiet. Soon I don't have to deal with other peoples' noise and overall ignorance any more like in my current place.

That's just so invaluable. True INFP heaven.
 
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#33,604 ·
Today or tomorrow will be about 30 days since my last use of alcohol and cannabis. It hasn't been difficult to not drink or smoke, but I think some terrible things might not have occurred if I could have drunk away the thoughts. I could see these events happening regardless, and with worse results. Now that I don't want to use alcohol to alleviate the pain, my reasonable options are the friends and family I still have, and mental health professionals. I'm anxious about the next month, but I'm determined to be sober.

Another thing during the last 30 or so days; my cystic acne is almost completely cleared up, and my skin is looking great. 🥰
 
#33,606 · (Edited)
some terrible things might not have occurred
She didn't like to text, only wanted to text to plan hanging out, I understood and agreed. Hanging out was maybe once a week for a couple hours, which was always a good time, but would leave me lonely for the rest of the days.
Then back and forth trying to plan something that either I would have an issue with or she would have an issue with. I got the flu and had been isolated for 4 days, tried again to plan hanging out, but then I ended up getting insulted and mad. I revealed things I was suspicious of and mad about, some jealous loner bullshit my head came up with. The worst thing, for me, was saying I'd rather have no one than whatever we had, which was the end of the relationship. I spent the next 3 days crying, having nightmares, and I believe panic attacks.
Once I was over the flu and my deeply depressive mood, multiple people I wouldn't have thought about came into my life to help 🤷‍♀️ jeeze. The week before, I felt like I had no one.

This isn't like the first time, but I would like it to not happen every time. From 16types test, "When someone thinks highly of you, you wonder how long it will take them to feel disappointed in you."

I am often told everyone loves me, but that scares me and I know I am not good.
 
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#33,607 ·
Does it help you to know that you are not alone with these conflicted desires? I think we all go through it to a certain extent.
I am not necessarily looking for help here. I know I typed that in distress. So it might look like I sought help. But I was not. I think @Aelthwyn might relate with this. Sometimes we speak in distress without really looking for help.

In my opinion, the depravity that we sometimes crave is at least partly due our exposure to it in the modern world's systems. But, traveling too far down that road can lead to a very dark place. In the greater scheme of things, we believe the pure romance holds much more of a lasting quality, a more graceful, almost ethereal, state when at its best.
You have this clarity. I do not.

These things in truth are such opposite paths, but can often get so mixed in our heads. It is a daily choice to move one way rather than the other. I am far from perfect at it, but considering where I once was . . . To be scared, would say that's normal also. There is nothing wrong with a certain type and level of fear in and of itself. I mean, such choices hold lasting consequences. It is a battle.
I do not doubt my normalcy. I never have. There was a time when the whole world was hell bent on seeing me as the crazy one. But I held on to my guns. I am not troubled in that department.

I always think of the cartoons I watched when I was a child. The "bad gus" on one shoulder trying to trick me to go down one path, the "good gus" on the other shoulder urging me down the other.
The day it gets this simple and clear will be the day I would stop worrying about this.

I understand this so much more now.
You have not shared any "understanding" of it so far. I am not pushing you to share what you think about this. I mean you are welcome to share if you want. But so far you have made generic comments. They are meaningful to me. But I wouldn't call it an understanding.

What are you carrying inside of you? Unsure. I often have similar undefinable feelings of general . . . discontentment(?) for lack of a better word. Stepping back though, I often see things are actually better than that, so I've renamed it a more vague emotional restlessness.
Recall the creature satyr. I will get you a photo.

Brown Rectangle Wood Artifact Font


I often feel like this creature. The one on the right. And I am married. With a kid. So going out of the commitment is out of the question. And women I come across are too many. They sense my hesitation around them because women. Then it gets painfully awkward. Sometimes it gets so bad that I have to act contrary to my instincts just to assure the other party that nothing of the kind is going on in my mind. In the mean time, all that is going on in my mind is juicy material for bacchus. Anger, resentment, guilt, entrapment, despair, exhaustion follow. Ultimately, there is lack of sexual desire, which then erupts at random places with random intensity.

Am I anywhere close to what you're talking about?
I can't say.
 
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