[ThirdArcade]

Do you ever feel as though you are not worthy of being in a relationship were you are loved and accepted for who you are? Have you met someone that makes you feel as though you are worthy and accepted for who you are, and if so, how did it make you feel?

Where do feelings of "I am not worthy of something better" come from? Why might someone want to return to a relationship where they are "comfortable", but may lack any emotional connection at all? Why do people sometimes feel as though they are not worthy of a relationship that is mutually caring, with lots of communication, understanding and no desire to change 'the other'?

Any insights would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

 

[illicit iridescence]

Awh 3rd, you're talking about him, aren't you? I think by now it's about time that you guys have contacted each other, right?

Do you ever feel as though you are not worthy of being in a relationship were you are loved and accepted for who you are? Have you met someone that makes you feel as though you are worthy and accepted for who you are, and if so, how did it make you feel?

No to the first, yes to the second question. It felt awesome, like someone actually 'saw' me for real. Truly, truthfully, and totally.

Where do feelings of "I am not worthy of something better" come from? Why might someone want to return to a relationship where they are "comfortable", but may lack any emotional connection at all? Why do people sometimes feel as though they are not worthy of a relationship that is mutually caring, with lots of communication, understanding and no desire to change 'the other'?

I think a person who feels and thinks like such, is very unhappy with her/himself. I can't really think of other reasons than that. "I'm not good enough", that kind of reasoning. They may be saddled up with a lot of hurt and sadness, regrets, fear. So much, they may fear the pain that is inevitable when trying to solve problems and issues. It's quite the vicious cycle and it's hard to break through.

They may also feel that they're so deep in trouble that nobody can help them. Bunch that together with the fear of more pain, and you've got one deadly cocktail for strengthening a desire to not want to be helped. In the case you're describing, the other option is a relationship in which these issues are left alone - even if the best option is so rich of mutual love, understanding, communication and respect and in such a way doesn't directly address issues. It is not that the best option is bent on 'change', it just brings these feelings of pain, sadness, inferiority etc to the surface, as if such a relationship was a reminder, which of course isn't intentionally a reminder.

I'm not sure if I got that written down clearly, do you see what I'm saying?

Perhaps it is best said by repeating what I felt: I felt like I was truly seen. Being truly seen may be a trigger for remembering all the negative stuff that comes with a low self-esteem thing.

 

[Luke]

I feel that deep down I am worthy to have a good quality relationship. But there are certain things about me that make it difficult for that to happen and sometimes this makes me feel that I should settle for less. But I've decided that I won't do that, I'm prepared to risk being alone in order to find the person that I really need and want.

The hardest part is when you feel that you really could be bad for another person. But I've decided that the only solution is to lay all your cards on the table. Just tell the person all the bad things about yourself and let them make up their own mind.

 

[OrangeAppled]

Do you ever feel as though you are not worthy of being in a relationship were you are loved and accepted for who you are?

Basically, yes, and the short answer is "I'm enneagram 4". However, I'd rather discuss this in more personal terms than theoretical ones.

Specifically, my feeling can be (and yes, it's a distorted feeling), "I don't want to burden someone else with ME." That's certainly a form of not feeling worthy, but I tend to view it as a sort of kindness to someone else to stay away from them....

I'm reminded of that Fiona Apple song "Fast As You Can"....a few lines from it:


I let the beast in too soon
I don’t know how to live without my hand on his throat
I fight him always & still...
Oh darling, it's so sweet, you think you know how crazy, how crazy I am
You say you don’t spook easy, you won’t go, but I know
and I pray that you will
Fast as you can, baby, run, free yourself of me
Fast as you can

I may be soft in your palm
but I’ll soon grow hungry for a fight,
and I will not let you win
My pretty mouth will frame the phrases that will disprove your faith in man
So if you catch me trying to find my way into your heart
from under your skin
Fast as you can, baby, scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can

Have you met someone that makes you feel as though you are worthy and accepted for who you are, and if so, how did it make you feel?

Yes I have, and it feels wonderful. More so now than when I was younger, I will believe that feeling too. I will allow it to be as valid if not more than the feeling that says I'm not good enough.

But still, other times, I revert to the old feeling that if they knew me better, they'd feel differently. I have this feeling like the closer someone gets to me, the less they will like me, and that I am doomed to be abandoned because I'm inherently flawed to a point that no one would or should want to deal with me. But I swear, my thinking doesn't fall into that line much anymore!

Where do feelings of "I am not worthy of something better" come from?

I'm not one to stick around in a bad relationship... but I may avoid relationships (or opportunities) period, because I don't feel like I can bring what is needed to it. I feel deficient in some way. I can be something of an underachiever because I don't have confidence in my own strengths. I don't put up with abuse, I just don't aim very high.

Why might someone want to return to a relationship where they are "comfortable", but may lack any emotional connection at all?

You got me on this one, because I'm not one to do that.
If I could imagine myself EVER doing that, then I can think of only one main reason: a deep sense of commitment & feeling a moral obligation to fulfill it.

Why do people sometimes feel as though they are not worthy of a relationship that is mutually caring, with lots of communication, understanding and no desire to change 'the other'?

IDK, I feel I am deserving of this, but I feel like no one deserves me (if that makes sense). I think that other people deserve better than me, or at least, that they can probably get better. I feel like most people would be better suited to someone else, that I can't make them happy, because I'm just too weird or something. Again, instead of staying in a bad relationship or seeking out something to settle for, I just stay alone.

I imagine other people feel that's the best they can do though, and I guess they'd rather have someone than no one. It may depend on how well they cope with being alone or not.

 

[Wellsy]

I see all my flaws amplified and feel like if I were to enter a relationship with someone that eventually i'd be dragging them down and that I need to improve myself to be a reasonable man worthy of them.
I know sounds like i'll never get into one hahaha But im sure if I felt strongly enough about someone I would try my best to imrpoved whilest with them instead.

 

[Sonne]

I see all my flaws amplified and feel like if I were to enter a relationship with someone that eventually i'd be dragging them down and that I need to improve myself to be a reasonable . . . worthy of them.

Yep, this^^^. It's a feeling of never being good enough which leads to feeling undeserving.

 

[TrueNorth]

Awh 3rd, you're talking about him, aren't you? I think by now it's about time that you guys have contacted each other, right?

Eep, my concern as well. *hugs in advance*

If someone (especially an impressionable INFP, at least in my experience) has been around some toxic people and/or otherwise feels worthless, they can lose confidence in themselves and what they actually deserve. They seem themselves as being "lesser" than the potential partner whose greatness they see and comprehend, but do not see in themselves what their partner sees in them. They don't understand that it's a mutual vibe, since they're so used to putting themselves below and acting (and/or actually being treated as) inferior. They have to get used to the idea of someone else seeing them the way they see that person.

My phrasing is a bit murky, but I hope the idea came across.

 

[JigglyJello]

I use to. In a way I still do I suppose.

But I'm starting to really lean in another direction. That love isn't a matter of worth. It's given like a present and we should be grateful whenever it comes. Even if someone chooses to take it back or when we have to respectfully decline it.

 

[refugee]

I think I give too much power to my feelings.

Several people have told me that I'd make a good husband, but I continue to doubt myself (Ne at work?).

Either I'm always looking for something better, or I don't feel good enough about myself to care.

I think I idealize the aesthetic nature of a relationship more than the prospect of one because the latter is too real.

Anyways, I can empathize with OP.

 

[MyNameIsTooLon]

Believing in something makes it so.

If you think you are not worthy of a good relationship, then it's time for some self evaluation and self improvement. You should want to be the best person you can be for the person you love.

 

[Fiel]

I'd have to agree with all the opinions here, and it's a staggering realization! I'm struggling with accepting the love my boyfriend is desperately trying to offer me because I just don't feel as though I deserve it. I believe he belongs with someone better, smarter, with less baggage, less emotional... less me. He seems to believe that I am exactly what he wants, and the funny things is, he knows me better than I know myself at times.

I just don't get it! I imagine no one can see me for how I truly see myself or they would run for the hills, so then I become unworthy of their blind love. I prefer them to see me as they do.. because I just know if they REALLY knew me, they couldn't help but run! How is it that the people who know me best, still love me? So strange... I just don't get it. It's not possible that everyone is so blind or that I can hide my true intentions all that perfectly, so why can't I believe or see the good in myself? Why are we such harsh critics of ourselves?

I think we just paint this beautiful picture of our ideal selves, and we are so busy trying to live up to it that we begin to tally and judge our every mistake. We just can't ever live up to who we want to be, or how we imagine we should be, how we believe we should treat people in every given situation, how we imagine our attitudes should always be good, how we should never do this or that, or always do these things. Eventually we just get so bogged down by our own failings that we believe we are completely defective and that no one SHOULD love us. ... in HUGE contrast, we show SO much grace to everyone else because we see them trying, we root for them, we want them to succeed and if they fail it's NO BIG DEAL, try again! Why can't we show ourselves that same grace?

Or maybe that's just me Things I've been pondering lately.

 

[Mulberries]

I've recently realized that I went through this in my early 20s. I was with someone, but I wouldn't let him love me or be close to me. For some reason I believed that love was corny and fake and I didn't want any part of that. This was obviously not normal and this level of dysfunction ultimately led to our breakup. Now I see that on a fundamental level I didn't feel like I deserved someone as wonderful as him. In my eyes I was ugly, not smart enough and not socially adequate. He didn't see any of that.

It took almost 2 years after the breakup before I could take that leap, break down those walls and try to let someone love me. Thankfully I ended up with the man I'm with now. Admittedly, I have put him through hell too, but I now know I am able to be vulnerable and trust that he won't hurt me. I'm now able to offer the same in return. It's the most uplifting feeling imaginable.

 

[TrueNorth]

That's the feeling exactly, Fiel. Sometimes, it's hard to accept the love we're being offered because we can't believe that someone else is more able to accept the flaws in us than we are.

We're our own harshest critics.

 

[illicit iridescence]

I'd have to agree with all the opinions here, and it's a staggering realization! I'm struggling with accepting the love my boyfriend is desperately trying to offer me because I just don't feel as though I deserve it. I believe he belongs with someone better, smarter, with less baggage, less emotional... less me. He seems to believe that I am exactly what he wants, and the funny things is, he knows me better than I know myself at times.
[...]
I think we just paint this beautiful picture of our ideal selves, and we are so busy trying to live up to it that we begin to tally and judge our every mistake. We just can't ever live up to who we want to be, or how we imagine we should be, how we believe we should treat people in every given situation, how we imagine our attitudes should always be good, how we should never do this or that, or always do these things. Eventually we just get so bogged down by our own failings that we believe we are completely defective and that no one SHOULD love us. ... in HUGE contrast, we show SO much grace to everyone else because we see them trying, we root for them, we want them to succeed and if they fail it's NO BIG DEAL, try again! Why can't we show ourselves that same grace?

That's nicely painted! I mean, nicely put :3

Now that you have written this all down, stop struggling with yourself (come to terms with failing to become the unattainable ideal) and stop struggling with accepting your b/f's love. He wants you, and you can trust that.

 

[Fiel]

Now that you have written this all down, stop struggling with yourself

Easier said than done! Haha, thanks for the encouragement Sometimes we just need a lighter touch to bring us out of our dark places. I'll get there, for his sake! It's funny, if I could just love and accept myself I wouldn't be causing ANYONE pain! I am not going to start a self-loathing loop with this

Thank you @Mulberries for sharing! I hope to someday get in that place of trust and vulnerability and being able to provide a safe place for that as well.

 

[OrangeAppled]

I think we just paint this beautiful picture of our ideal selves, and we are so busy trying to live up to it that we begin to tally and judge our every mistake. We just can't ever live up to who we want to be, or how we imagine we should be, how we believe we should treat people in every given situation, how we imagine our attitudes should always be good, how we should never do this or that, or always do these things. Eventually we just get so bogged down by our own failings that we believe we are completely defective and that no one SHOULD love us. ... in HUGE contrast, we show SO much grace to everyone else because we see them trying, we root for them, we want them to succeed and if they fail it's NO BIG DEAL, try again! Why can't we show ourselves that same grace?

Or maybe that's just me Things I've been pondering lately.

This is totally it... But no one else is comparing us to our ideal. They don't see our ideal. We're the only ones disappointed we're not living up to it. We have to remember that they don't expect that perfection from us or anyone, just as we don't expect it from them. We're projecting our own critical attitude on others, or projecting our ideals onto others as if they use they same impossibly high "scale".

I have to say, I adopted this cheesy motto for myself years ago which amounted to "Be nice to myself". I figured, I'm nice & forgiving to others when it comes to their shortcomings, so why can't I treat myself as I'd treat a friend? It actually helped me a lot to drum that new thought into my head. I eased up on myself, not to the point of delusionally glossing over my flaws, but of readjusting my perspective of myself to something kinder (and more realistic), so that I could finally see I DO have something to offer as a friend, a girlfriend, an empolyee, etc. But it's a struggle to maintain this feeling over that other one, the default one of "not enough".

 

[TrueNorth]

Argh, it's somewhat vindicating, but also sad, to recognize that feeling so eloquently put by others. One the one hand, I'm all "YAY, I'm not alone in having felt like that!" and then I immediately turn around with "They have to see the truth or they'll end up causing hurt to themselves and their loved ones too." Unfortunately, it's something that you have to believe for yourself; no mere words can get you to be comfortable with who you are. But you can and will do it! Step 1 is acknowledging the problem. It gets easier after that, especially with people who love you for who you truly are in the picture.

 

[Anemone]

Yep. I wrote about it on a different thread.

Do you ever feel as though you are not worthy of being in a relationship were you are loved and accepted for who you are?
I've never been in a romantic relationship before (before you laugh, I'm only 16)
I don't think that I would live up to the other person's expectations of me. I'm always conscious of how I act around the guy I like.
Being in a relationship means the other person sees my flaws, maybe even points them out to me when I already know them.

Have you met someone that makes you feel as though you are worthy and accepted for who you are, and if so, how did it make you feel?
Yes. It makes me feel...cared for, loved. I feel like if I give out my inner thoughts that they would understand, or at least try to.

Where do feelings of "I am not worthy of something better" come from?
Being exposed to so many negative people in my life. I'm a natural people pleaser. It's hard for me to look at pictures because I notice how better looking the other person looks/how bad I must appear to them and then I think very superficial and wonder why they are even friends with me. These thoughts are not by choice, it's hard for me to stop once I get going on all of my flaws.

Why might someone want to return to a relationship where they are "comfortable", but may lack any emotional connection at all?
Familiarity. Doubts of finding someone new. When I don't expect anything out of a relationship, I don't really have any emotional connection in the first place. Does emotional connection mean "romantic connection?"

Why do people sometimes feel as though they are not worthy of a relationship that is mutually caring, with lots of communication, understanding and no desire to change 'the other'?
Routine sometimes bores me. I need some change, a moment of instability. I would love to meet a guy who is willing to verbally tease me (playfully insult me), fight with me/for me, and be there to hug me when I act like I don't want to.

...That idealist in me is imaging that guy right now. Why is it so hard to find someone like that?

 

[Fiel]

This is totally it... But no one else is comparing us to our ideal. They don't see our ideal. We're the only ones disappointed we're not living up to it. We have to remember that they don't expect that perfection from us or anyone, just as we don't expect it from them. We're projecting our own critical attitude on others, or projecting our ideals onto others as if they use they same impossibly high "scale".

I have to say, I adopted this cheesy motto for myself years ago which amounted to "Be nice to myself". I figured, I'm nice & forgiving to others when it comes to their shortcomings, so why can't I treat myself as I'd treat a friend? It actually helped me a lot to drum that new thought into my head. I eased up on myself, not to the point of delusionally glossing over my flaws, but of readjusting my perspective of myself to something kinder (and more realistic), so that I could finally see I DO have something to offer as a friend, a girlfriend, an empolyee, etc. But it's a struggle to maintain this feeling over that other one, the default one of "not enough".

I think I've given a pitiful try at easing up on myself once before, I think I'll try again. Maybe it's just something we will forever struggle with, and we've just got to accept that and carry on... and not even carry on completely for our own benefit, but for those who love us! I know it's not easy loving me when I get so down on myself... then I just create the problem that I feared, that wasn't ever there to begin with. Self perpetuating, that's the term I'm looking for.

Anyway, I think you've got it here. Be nice to yourself! Acknowledge that no one is holding you up next to your ideal self and "tsk tsking" at you. I think we'd all do better to keep this in mind!

 

[lifeisanillusion]

Yes, and in my case it prevented me from even starting relationships. If there was someone I was interested, I would come up with all sorts of reasons why they wouldn't go out with me. Never came up with reasons why they would go out with me. For those of you that are younger, I hope you come to terms with this realization. I've found that it doesn't get better with age if I can't learn to love myself. In fact, now it leads to more anger, resentment, and hate. I've reached the point now where rather than just put myself down, I put women down. I am bitter at being single; so I start to tell myself things "like women are attracted to assholes". Start to objectify them, it's always easier to put an object down rather than a person, and start to see them as whores or gold diggers. It's easier to put the blame on someone else, rather than myself. The anger hurts. My heart feels like cement at times. And all it does is keep me from finding a wonderful woman to share my life with.

My suggestions would be don't try to find answers as to why you are like this. For me, I never found answers. I found some for short periods of time, but then it just created more questions. Reading and self awareness and that sort of thing is good, but somehow one needs to move past it and just do it. Telling yourself that you love yourself, and actually feeling that, believing that are two different things. Like the others have said be kind to yourself. Stand up for yourself and do what makes you happy. Stop caring what others think. That's huge. I can't please everyone and in the process of trying to do so; I end up losing myself. I think it actually puts up bigger walls around me that prevent me from being kind to myself and seeing the beautiful and special man that is here.

Take risks. That allows me to be vulnerable. I say I want people to be close to me, but yet I've kept most of them far away. I've been afraid to let others in. Telling people my secrets and letting people in are different. I always thought being open about myself was being vulnerable but I think there is more to it. I think what I need to do is let others know how I feel about them, about us. That would be being vulnerable. I feel like I am preaching. This really got me going. I sincerely hope others don't do as I have done.

See your preciousness and love yourself, because if you don't know one else will. They may start out loving you, but that will change if we don't let them in. A hundred people can say "I love you" but it means nothing if I don't believe it myself. And because I haven't really believed it myself, I've rarely heard it. Love yourself and then you will feel your worth it. It comes with practice. The way I can best describe it is that when I am being hard on myself, it is like feeling a warm blanket engulfing me. Or being held in loving arms. I feel love for myself while experiencing something that I would rather not experience. Feeling warm and beautiful and accepting of me as I am rather than judging and wanting me to be different.