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Hello! I'm a looking for some understanding, and perhaps some advice.

I am an INFP female in a relationship with an ENTJ male. We've been together 2 years, and I adore him.
I think we get along great. He finds me "strange and adorable", and admires me for being "quirky, and silly, and artistic, and creative" and for being "a nice person". And I admire his confidence, clear purpose, and ability to charm people and make friends quickly. We are very affectionate (though not in public) and enjoy the same things. We both really care about each other.

Lately though, we've been having discussions about the future. He thinks we don't work well together, that we don't always understand each other.

The main issues he mentioned, sound to me to be very related to our personalities. He appreciates efficiency, and decisiveness, and prefers to surround himself with people whose traits he would want to acquire. He gets very frustrated with me often because I am generally very inefficient, and very indecisive. To him, I am a little bit clumsy, I don't always do things the right way, and I spend too much time laboring over simple choices and decisions. I have some hearing loss, which can aggravate the situation when I have to ask him to repeat sentences. He can be critical when he feels like I should do things differently, and I can be easily hurt by what he says. (Though I've gotten a lot better at not taking things personally, knowing that he likes to speak bluntly.) He says he feels like he has to manage me, and take care of me. Sort of, holding my hand and helping me do things, because he thinks I can't do things well enough on my own. And when he thinks about the future, he doesn't want to have to do that - have to figure things out for himself as well as someone else.

I guess what I want to ask is, what can I do to frustrate him less? I think my INFP traits are both what bothers him and what intrigues him. How do other INFPs deal with making decisions quickly when feeling pressured?
How do you try to be more aware of your surroundings? (ie, not constantly bumping into people, or knocking things over). How can I show him that I can take care of myself, when he can only see the mistakes I make? How can I help him direct his own life as ENTJ? Sometimes, when I try to be supportive, I don't think I'm saying what he wants to hear.

Perhaps our personalities will never work together, but I would really like to hear how other ENTJs or INFPs deal with these things.

Thanks.
 

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Hello! I'm a looking for some understanding, and perhaps some advice.

I am an INFP female in a relationship with an ENTJ male. We've been together 2 years, and I adore him.
I think we get along great. He finds me "strange and adorable", and admires me for being "quirky, and silly, and artistic, and creative" and for being "a nice person". And I admire his confidence, clear purpose, and ability to charm people and make friends quickly. We are very affectionate (though not in public) and enjoy the same things. We both really care about each other.

Lately though, we've been having discussions about the future. He thinks we don't work well together, that we don't always understand each other.

The main issues he mentioned, sound to me to be very related to our personalities. He appreciates efficiency, and decisiveness, and prefers to surround himself with people whose traits he would want to acquire. He gets very frustrated with me often because I am generally very inefficient, and very indecisive. To him, I am a little bit clumsy, I don't always do things the right way, and I spend too much time laboring over simple choices and decisions. I have some hearing loss, which can aggravate the situation when I have to ask him to repeat sentences. He can be critical when he feels like I should do things differently, and I can be easily hurt by what he says. (Though I've gotten a lot better at not taking things personally, knowing that he likes to speak bluntly.) He says he feels like he has to manage me, and take care of me. Sort of, holding my hand and helping me do things, because he thinks I can't do things well enough on my own. And when he thinks about the future, he doesn't want to have to do that - have to figure things out for himself as well as someone else.

I guess what I want to ask is, what can I do to frustrate him less? I think my INFP traits are both what bothers him and what intrigues him. How do other INFPs deal with making decisions quickly when feeling pressured?
How do you try to be more aware of your surroundings? (ie, not constantly bumping into people, or knocking things over). How can I show him that I can take care of myself, when he can only see the mistakes I make? How can I help him direct his own life as ENTJ? Sometimes, when I try to be supportive, I don't think I'm saying what he wants to hear.

Perhaps our personalities will never work together, but I would really like to hear how other ENTJs or INFPs deal with these things.

Thanks.
he's treating you like a child. Do you want him to?
If not, you'll have to stand up to him. Make demands, follow through, and give him enough feedback for him to lay off. E's like you to check in from time to time.

Tell him your process. If you two are to make it, he has to at least respect it, even if he doesn't understand it. Your mistakes are likely from your willingness and ability to see many parts of the whole. He sees them, but has long dismissed them and focuses on one. This is conjecture, but I imagine that you doing different things is enabling your learning from them in a much richer way that if you were to only focus on one.

Try to verbalize that. I can't imagine it's too far from ENFPs and ENTJs, but I'm happy to stand corrected.

And finally, romance does not equal personality. there are many examples of success. Good luck.
 
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This is very helpful, thanks.

I wonder if he feels the need to manage me, because I let him.
I let him manage me, because I know he likes things done a particular way, so I always ask him what he wants, how to do it, etc. To him, that might come across as being too dependent but I'm only trying to find out his expectations so that I can meet them.
 

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I have some personal questions, if you don't mind. First, how old are both of you? Second, do you live together, and if so how long have you lived together? How long did you live on your own before you met him? If you don't live together, or you lived on your own a while before you met him, it's kind of baffling that he would think he would need to take care of you (but I do understand that is a very ENTJ characteristic).

ENTJs can take what we would consider blunt-to-the-point-of-rude feedback without being hurt like INFPs would. You probably need to be a lot more direct with him when you communicate. And you should stand up to him more, especially when you don't like his criticism or it's unfair (just because he thinks you're inefficient doesn't mean squat; is the work getting done? If so, tell him to take a chill pill). And when he makes decisions for you (which I bet is his natural inclination) speak up when you don't like it. He will probably like and respect that, as weird as it would seem to you.

A lot of INFPs I know have a very strong independent streak; we like to do our own thing and in our own way. If that's you, assert yourself! He doesn't have to run your life, nor should he think he has to. He might not like how you live your life, but it's YOUR life.

Good luck! I have a good ENTJ male friend and think the world of him, but man it would be tough to be married to him! You need a lot of fortitude to stick with an ENTJ. I'm sure he's lucky to have you in his life, even if he doesn't always realize it. :kitteh:
 

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This is very helpful, thanks.

I wonder if he feels the need to manage me, because I let him.
I let him manage me, because I know he likes things done a particular way, so I always ask him what he wants, how to do it, etc. To him, that might come across as being too dependent but I'm only trying to find out his expectations so that I can meet them.
managing you is twofold:
1-because you let him
2-he thinks his way is most logical. it may be, but if you don't like it, speak up. if you don't speak up, you're a doormat who he will soon tire of. you will likely become a project, not an equal.
keep to the rules of positive confrontations: I statements not You statements and say I feel rather than what is.
 
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We don't live together actually. I'm not sure how it would be different if we did. If we would have a better understanding of how the other does things through experience, or if it would just make it worse.

I think you and Tea Path make really great points about being more assertive for myself, and not being a doormat. I usually lay low to avoid conflict; If it's something I don't have a strong opinion on, I don't mind letting it go. But I think I will try standing up for myself and my process more. He initial reaction might be to push back when I do, but I know he always appreciates when I hold my own on something. Every now and then I get kind of feisty and stand my ground on an opinion and he always comments positively on that.
 

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@yxip12: good luck, hope it works out for you two!
 
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