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So I'm an ENTP female (22) and I have an ISFJ sister (19). We've had a mutual female INFP (20) friend since we were in elementary school that we are very close with (although my sister is closer with her than I am since they are more the same age). Since we got into college, we've gotten together once every week or two to hang out, whether it be watching movies, going out for coffee, or simply chatting.

This INFP friend is generally very nice, although on occasion, she says some hurtful things to my sister (who is non-confrontational and doesn't really stand up for herself). Examples include her saying that my sister wants to go into missions work so that she can be petted and praised, and that my sister would one day be somebody who would abandon her friends when she gets engaged/married. They tend to be remarks that are said in the spur of the moment, and i think without prelude or provocation. It would be a normal conversation, and then she'd suddenly say something like that. This friend has never done it with me around, and I can't decide whether it's just because the two of them spend more time together than I do with them, or if she knows that I would admonish her because I wouldn't be walked over. Personally, the two of us have never really argued or had a misunderstanding until now (except by proxy when I would defend my sister). Again, these happen relatively seldomly– once or twice a year maximum.

This INFP friend got engaged 5 months ago, and our relationship has changed quite drastically since then. This friend has always wanted to get married rather than go to school/work, and she got engaged to a mutual acquaintance that she has known since middle school. It's a very good match, and although I think they are too young to get married, I don't foresee them having any real difficulty.

Since the engagement, however, the INFP friend has turned down at least a dozen plans with us and probably cancelled at least 10 more in favor of her fiancee. I understand that she needs to spend time with him (they're getting married, for gosh sakes), but I'm finding it quite annoying and my sister is quite hurt at this treatment of our friendship. For the last five months, she hasn't made any effort to hang out with us, only occasionally going out when we pester her a bit. It has gone from weekly meetings to maybe (if we're lucky) once every two months.

Well, we're all Star Trek fans, and in the past we've spend hours watching all the original episodes. When we heard the new movie was going to be released, we talked vaguely about going to see it together for about 8 months, and then set concrete plans about a month ago... which she cancelled the day before because her fiancee asked her instead. She told this to my sister who (of course) didn't say anything, but when I heard, I finally decided to carefully confront her.

I sent her a long text about how I approved of her relationship, but I was disappointed in her for canceling plans that we had made so long ago— and that this wasn't the first time. I tried to be tactful, but still get my message across. Soon, she responded very apologetically and said that she knew she has been neglectful, and it was no excuse, but she was in love. She wanted to see the movie with us, and wouldn't go with her fiancee. I sent her a very positive response, and thought things had been resolved.

Imagine my surprise when a few hours later, my sister got a text saying that she actually really wanted to go with her fiancee. Apparently, he was made at the "principal" that she had to ask our permission before going, and thought we were manipulating her.

The way she worded it, my sister and I began to wonder if maybe her fiancee was controlling. So my sister carefully asked her if that was the case. The INFP friend responded by saying definitely no, she was hurt that my sister had to ask, that I was sending her mean texts that hurt her feelings by implying that she was a horrible person, and that I actually was the one that was controlling.

So now we all feel rather hurt and frustrated, but I managed to gather us together for coffee tonight because I think we need to get this out in the open. However, I'm not sure how to go about addressing the whole situation. This friend has been VERY close for many years, and cutting all ties is definitely not the route to take. However, I fear that she may be withholding information from both us and her fiancee with regards to the whole situation. I'm close with the fiancee's parents, but not with him, but my guess is that she hasn't told him in the number of times that she's been canceling on us, and failed to mention that we had made plans first (which is what probably made him "angry," although my other guess is that she was feeling angry and exaggerated his response so she didn't have to be the "bad guy"). I don't have his number, and it would be awkward to bring it up in person, but I also fear this may put a big wedge between our relationship.

This friend gets offended quite easily, so I'm not really sure how to approach the situation tonight. Do you guys have any advice?
 

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Hi

if you could make it a bit clearer on what aspect of this you want advice on this thread would be easier to answer,
it isn't clear to me what you want you are trying to put across to your friend or what exactly you are say :unsure:
 
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