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So after an intense 5 month relationship in 2018-2019 my INFP ex dumped me. She cited that she needed to work on herself and had "nothing left to give" due to stresses in life and a few other reasons like me not having substantial bank savings like her (despite me having a significantly higher salary that I earned compared to hers). Anyways, she kept trying to be friends afterwards which I was not comfortable with and told her so and she keeps trying to reach out every 3 months or so asking deep penetrating questions about my life, family, and motivations.

I don't feel this is her place and wonder if this is a sign of her becoming even more unhealthy. I don't understand why she contacts me at all.

I could go nuclear, do the ENFP Te "bitchslap" thing to her and block her number but that doesn't seem like the right path. I more want to understand why an INFP would dump someone yet put in so much effort to stay in touch in a non-superficial way.

I'm still uncomfortable with things as they are currently so any feedback on the INFP psyche would be appreciated if you've ever cut off a relationship yet tried to keep in touch. As an ENFP, I would have just cut it off and moved on forever but this woman is different it seems.
 

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My INFP ex did this. I'm an ENTJ. After months of him still texting me (and yeah eventually meeting up), I finally asked. He confessed to still having feelings for me, but at the time it was bad timing because he was moving to a different city.

If she cares enough to ask about "deep penetrating questions about your life, family, and motivations" then my guess is she may be reassessing things and is still interested in you.
 

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She may be genuinely thinking that once you'll be over the pain of the breakup, you'll be interested to remain friends, hence her testing the waters every once in a while. Maybe you should tell her if you'd rather have a neat and definitive separation because she may be oblivious of this preference of yours. Some people have a sentimental tendency to recycle ex-partners into friends because they feel that sort of raw emotional bonding is too rare and precious a thing to be renounced. I can hardly talk on the behalf of all my INFP's comrades but I can see how the interplay of Fi and Si predisposes us to this kind of "former bf makes great friends" thinking.

The fact that she chooses deep penetrating questions over a gentler approach is more surprising. I see two possibilities here : she's really awkward with small talk (or whatever kind of conversation you'd find appropriate from a former ex-gf) and she defaults back to intimate questions ; she's feeling guilty over the fact that she's chosen her individuality over your relationship and she assuages her guilt by forcing herself to care exaggeratedly.

There's also the possibility that she's reassessing her decision to dump you but it's not a certainty. Most INFP have a hard time balancing their need for individuality and their need for romance. The outcome if this inner battle seem to vary greatly from INFP to INFP : some ends up favoring the latter and lean towards dependency and clinginess while others just can't shake the idea they're suffocating when romantically involved.

In any case, if I were you, I wouldn't hesitate to ask her what she's trying to obtain by this behavior. I see no reason why anyone would deflect the question coming from someone they've been romantically involved with for 5 months.
 

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Sounds like me, with the important difference that i'm mostly on the receiving end of being dumped / doorslammed. So my reasoning for being like this is the lack of closure (that the other in fact does have because they had time to figure out a new way forward for themselves and then just drop the bomb and leave). My Ne always seeks answers and reiterates questions / scenarios / perspectives. This doesn't stop till everything got answered (which is YET ANOTHER ideal illusion in life) or when my Fi takes peace with it and can handle the write-off on the balance sheet.

Knowing that i'm prone to have this kind of emotional aftermath and not wanting others to have such emotional impact on me with the cut-and-running, it kind of flipped to a situation where I am the one to cut things off prematurely when getting close to new people, because I simply mistrust their sense of responsibility, strength, dedication. Obviously I don't want to cause the same thing to others as what is caused to me / within me, so my new connection remain superficially shallow, or if not, I will step back rather sooner than later (but not just vanish overnight). As for the people I already had very deep connections with .... that's a very long and slow process to undo. Like, years.

The one big exception though would be my ex, whom I have never reached out to again, since the ruthlessness and change of person(ality) in her was so crystal clear. I decided for myself that ''i did not know'' who this new person is and therefor I have absolutely zero connection or interest in them, knowing that the one thing I DID know is that they're very untrustworthy, selfish and having no interest in my wellbeing whatsoever. We were both INFPs though. I think I did however speak with the family a few times in the year after. After all I also lost a whole family (we weren't married but perhaps it felt like it xD).

I often theorised about the possibility of them reaching out to me and dreading the fact of having to figure out how to deal with that. Or encountering them out there in the world (very low chance). People always say that the only healthy way forward would be that you would respond ''normal'' to it as if shit never happened. I can assure you that will never happen, as far as I know they remain one of the biggest threats out there for my personal well-being and thus needs to be fend off with lasers and napalm.

As for the case of the Opening Post in this thread, it is strange for me to think that the cut-and-runner would be checking in-and-out afterwards. I think @YvonneZemski made some really great pointers on that one though.
 

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I don't have similar experiences but something clicks in a bit different context - my (most likely INFP) bandmate left us a few months ago after he worked on that decision for a (surprisingly) long time for me as I knew his plans. We're still good friends as we've never had any issues between us but he didn't get along so well with our third guy.

It's interesting to see something similar here to what you described - even after months he's sometimes getting back to those topics like he's still not got over it and has to process something. He has even looked back to our past gig videos and told that woah those were times - yet on the other hand he has quit the music scene totally and most likely doesn't want to return back. Sometimes uses even a bit ironical expressions while looking back at those times.

I don't know if it's any INFP thing in general or about particular persons but your story clicked with my experience. Might some wrong Fi-Si loop in negative context but who knows :)
 

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So after an intense 5 month relationship in 2018-2019 my INFP ex dumped me. She cited that she needed to work on herself and had "nothing left to give" due to stresses in life and a few other reasons like me not having substantial bank savings like her (despite me having a significantly higher salary that I earned compared to hers). Anyways, she kept trying to be friends afterwards which I was not comfortable with and told her so and she keeps trying to reach out every 3 months or so asking deep penetrating questions about my life, family, and motivations.

I don't feel this is her place and wonder if this is a sign of her becoming even more unhealthy. I don't understand why she contacts me at all.

I could go nuclear, do the ENFP Te "bitchslap" thing to her and block her number but that doesn't seem like the right path. I more want to understand why an INFP would dump someone yet put in so much effort to stay in touch in a non-superficial way.

I'm still uncomfortable with things as they are currently so any feedback on the INFP psyche would be appreciated if you've ever cut off a relationship yet tried to keep in touch. As an ENFP, I would have just cut it off and moved on forever but this woman is different it seems.
Maybe she still values you as a friend but yet for some reason feels that you are both just not compatible in a romantic relationship for whatever reason. It's not that strange or unusual to remain in contact or friends with people you had once dated.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Maybe she still values you as a friend but yet for some reason feels that you are both just not compatible in a romantic relationship for whatever reason. It's not that strange or unusual to remain in contact or friends with people you had once dated.
Yeah, except I did explicitly tell her I wasn't into friendship. I mean, I don't do that normally after a breakup but she also dumped me. I hate the...Cynicism of blocking someone's number but maybe I will. I did come across her dating profile yesterday on OkCupid as I was looking myself it was...Interesting. The guy she's looking for sounded just like me, with the notable additions of the reasons she broke up with me added: She wanted someone more traditionally masculine and wanted someone who was well-off financially (yes, she put both in her profile).
 

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You can ask ten of us the same ?, and its possible you will get 10 different answers. No one can really answer this but the lady in ?.
So next time she calls, politely ask, what it is she's looking for and what her thoughts are on the your situation.
From what you've said above, it sounds like your uncomfortable with both the thought of getting back together and remaining friends. So maybe its best, to call it a day, and just move on.
 
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