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I am an INFP female and my husband is an ESTJ. I know now there were somethings that I failed to see before we married. I am no stranger to messed up relationships. I told myself this one would be different. I would like to believe i was also played along by an ESTJ whose true colors were made clear once the honey moon phase was over.
Regardless i was wrapped into the fairy tale of him being my high school sweet heart coming back around after both our seven year relationships failed. So here we are and i feel as though the longer i spend with him the more i am struggling inside.
I have spent time getting to know him more then he ever has with me. I feel i poor on acceptance and credit because he works while i stay home. Thats made me more insecure and with more emotional needs being piled high from non forfillment. I try to talk to him and he gives me a list of practical things he does and asks what i do. Of course i feel like shit and not enough. I ask for time and love and he gives it in order to get sex. He texts me the same three words everyday. i love you. I feel guilty for not being happy but not once has he asked me how my day was or the kids. I get more attention ignoring him then i do telling how i feel. I never fill understood and i am told i should be happy about the roof over my head. He sees my emotional needs to be crap and i am starting to with drawl. I don't care to see his text right away. I am tired of doing all the work and watching him not care about me melting away.
It hurts to sleep with someone you cant even get off with cause you are so distant. Then when explain they dismiss you and ask what you have done for them lately. His favorite quote is how he gets nothing and i get taken care of. I feel so damn bad but not bad enough to sleep with a monster. I take care of two kids all day but his the only one whose able to give me love and conversation and does neither without some form of coldness or time restriction. How do i get it in his head without the fear of losing him to his flirting ways that this behavior needs to change. I see now its his personality but either way i am asked to do far more emotionally then him. He gets to hurt me with words and cry about sex. While i just look like a stay at home mom.
 

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Dual relationships? these are suppose to work on paper
 
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People are not "types" people are people, his faults are his own, there have little to do with his preferred cognitive functions.
 

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Check out socionics, it explains the strengths and weakness your relationship is suppose to have:
Duality - Wikisocion
 

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I am an INFP female and my husband is an ESTJ. I know now there were somethings that I failed to see before we married. I am no stranger to messed up relationships. I told myself this one would be different. I would like to believe i was also played along by an ESTJ whose true colors were made clear once the honey moon phase was over.
Regardless i was wrapped into the fairy tale of him being my high school sweet heart coming back around after both our seven year relationships failed. So here we are and i feel as though the longer i spend with him the more i am struggling inside.
I have spent time getting to know him more then he ever has with me. I feel i poor on acceptance and credit because he works while i stay home. Thats made me more insecure and with more emotional needs being piled high from non forfillment. I try to talk to him and he gives me a list of practical things he does and asks what i do. Of course i feel like shit and not enough. I ask for time and love and he gives it in order to get sex. He texts me the same three words everyday. i love you. I feel guilty for not being happy but not once has he asked me how my day was or the kids. I get more attention ignoring him then i do telling how i feel. I never fill understood and i am told i should be happy about the roof over my head. He sees my emotional needs to be crap and i am starting to with drawl. I don't care to see his text right away. I am tired of doing all the work and watching him not care about me melting away.
It hurts to sleep with someone you cant even get off with cause you are so distant. Then when explain they dismiss you and ask what you have done for them lately. His favorite quote is how he gets nothing and i get taken care of. I feel so damn bad but not bad enough to sleep with a monster. I take care of two kids all day but his the only one whose able to give me love and conversation and does neither without some form of coldness or time restriction. How do i get it in his head without the fear of losing him to his flirting ways that this behavior needs to change. I see now its his personality but either way i am asked to do far more emotionally then him. He gets to hurt me with words and cry about sex. While i just look like a stay at home mom.
When we responds with his cold behaviour, which is naturally how his lead function works, response with your Fi and Ne showing true sincerity. He will understand because both Fi and Ne are part of his function lists too. You may think that his coldness is strange and unrelatable but that is just another side of his personality which he mistakenly uses because he is not away that logic doesn't work when trying to bond. Without you being honest and sincere showing that the problems you have can't be solved by his natural Te Si thinking, you won't get anyway.

The guy has feelings, he just finds them hard to use since usually he doesn't get a warm reception with his Fi, thus he is likely to think that logic works for everything.
 

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@MissErica have you started to develop the thinking and sensing side of your personality? It is also important for you to do so since it would make it easier to understand where Te types are coming from, they aren't necessarily bad despite the difficulties they have with Fi.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
i dont think he is bad. i think i am upset at the constant extra work and over looking i do. i mean how hard is it for a man to get in his head foreplay is worth it but he takes the easy way out. so am i hearing that for the rest of my realtionship i will be needing to forfill myself and allow him to get his insensitive way. i probably sound alittle upset and i am. he asked me to tell him my value. i dont have answer. However you ask me his value and i am ready to list them. How do you sleep with someone who does not know your value? i dont undertand why i feel so insecure or measured by what i do. he isnt happy when he doesnt get his way and his way i cant give unless i feel secure. How come when i ignore him and shut my mouth he comes running to me ?? he loves me when i am not expressive isnt that like a plastic doll?? i am just venting and saying every word i cant say to him. i love him and i wish i k
 

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knew he loved me. i wish he valued me and i wish i could make him happy and not lose myself. i dont want to be a bitter wife but i think in order not to that requires some medication to stop me from thinking so much lol and a forget everything you say card. lets say i give and give and let him be him. i am still not me and do you think he would happy? wouldnt you be pissed to be less of a pain in the ass and still have an unhappy husband?
 

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i dont think he is bad. i think i am upset at the constant extra work and over looking i do. i mean how hard is it for a man to get in his head foreplay is worth it but he takes the easy way out. so am i hearing that for the rest of my realtionship i will be needing to forfill myself and allow him to get his insensitive way. i probably sound alittle upset and i am. he asked me to tell him my value. i dont have answer. However you ask me his value and i am ready to list them. How do you sleep with someone who does not know your value? i dont undertand why i feel so insecure or measured by what i do. he isnt happy when he doesnt get his way and his way i cant give unless i feel secure. How come when i ignore him and shut my mouth he comes running to me ?? he loves me when i am not expressive isnt that like a plastic doll?? i am just venting and saying every word i cant say to him. i love him and i wish i k
Tell him so, its hard for a person who prefers thinking to know in advance that emotional needs are required. Tell him that you have you have problem, just be raw honest and direct, don't waste time warming him up with lies. Don't make him believe that you are a plastic doll, there is no harmony that has ever been built on lies you know it.

Pour your heart out with honesty and be direct, if you start playing on the fence being suggestive thinking he'll see it then I can see where your issue is. The thing is that he doesn't see so and it becomes a game of somewhat for him that he response with his natural challenging "Te" behaviour since he mistakenly perceives it as a game.
 

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knew he loved me. i wish he valued me and i wish i could make him happy and not lose myself. i dont want to be a bitter wife but i think in order not to that requires some medication to stop me from thinking so much lol and a forget everything you say card. lets say i give and give and let him be him. i am still not me and do you think he would happy? wouldnt you be pissed to be less of a pain in the ass and still have an unhappy husband?
@MissErica Be direct and present it as a problem, being sure to make it specific that it isn't a logic based problem since that would confuse him by thinking that logic is the way to go in such an uncharted territory for him. Don't be scared just let out the truth, he will see it, he does have Fi and Ne like you so communication should not be an issue. Be honest and direct pour your feeling as they are.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Tell him so, its hard for a person who prefers thinking to know in advance that emotional needs are required. Tell him that you have you have problem, just be raw honest and direct, don't waste time warming him up with lies. Don't make him believe that you are a plastic doll, there is no harmony that has ever been built on lies you know it.

Pour your heart out with honesty and be direct, if you start playing on the fence being suggestive thinking he'll see it then I can see where your issue is. The thing is that he doesn't see so and it becomes a game of somewhat for him that he response with his natural challenging "Te" behaviour since he mistakenly perceives it as a game.

wow thats good i never even thought that he saw it as a game!! you know i can sit in bed with him spill my heart out and be ready for so awsome love making and he looks like he was in a battle or ran a race. literally he looks torn up from my conversation and he is no longer in the mood. i have to be careful how much i say maybe even expose he likes to twist things nasty. i realize he can no longer be my source to unload on. i need another outlet. hopefully not a live one ha ha ha
 

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wow thats good i never even thought that he saw it as a game!! you know i can sit in bed with him spill my heart out and be ready for so awsome love making and he looks like he was in a battle or ran a race. literally he looks torn up from my conversation and he is no longer in the mood. i have to be careful how much i say maybe even expose he likes to twist things nasty. i realize he can no longer be my source to unload on. i need another outlet. hopefully not a live one ha ha ha
That because he starts taking your problems instead and processing them, you have had the advantage of pre-processing them earlier whilst he was at work, so you see why his mood can become dampened. It would have been different though had you been spending a large part of your day together.

Twisting things playing with logic isn't clever, logic doesn't really work with feelings it seems strange that he hasn't learnt that. But when a person displays such behaviours it means that you are too close to their feelings and they find it extremely uncomfortable which is why they start displaying repulsive behaviour. That is easy to look through it once you understand it and know that it is a sign of weakness. Don't respond with logic since its falling to his game, and putting yourself on a vulnerable spot since your Te would be as comparable. However sometimes there is a time for logic and it is important to not make yourself difficult at such a time
 

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Discussion Starter #13
it seems exhusting. i feel like i am playing him and that feels ugly. he isnt smart enough to ever even play. thanks
 

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it seems exhusting. i feel like i am playing him and that feels ugly. he isnt smart enough to ever even play. thanks
playing him in what sense?
 

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so whats my value? he took out a pen and paper to make a list. its been two weeks and i still cant look at him without thinking about it. what answer did he want
 

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so whats my value? he took out a pen and paper to make a list. its been two weeks and i still cant look at him without thinking about it. what answer did he want
I don't want to be intrusive but why talk about value in numerical terms, that just seems odd. Don't bottle up stuff, that is merely lying. Things don't fix themselves by being ignored.
 

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He is not responsible for making you feel happy, confident, good wife. You are. If someone asks what your values are, tell them. Don't want someone who is not asking anything about you. maybe, you have told him what your values are or they are very clear to you, however, you have to recognize that he is not estj but a human, who can forget things. The way he communicates his love is different that doesn't mean he doesn't care nor loves you. if he didn't he would not be with you or do the things he does. example him taking the time and effort to text you he loves you while he is at work (he thought about you) the way you communicate is probably confusing to him. tell him "I appreciate that you texted me while you are at work and take the time to do that, do it while you are at home too, I love when you ask the kids and I how we are. it makes sense that you ask, because it shows you care about us.(too many emotions may not be good, some times, just replace the word "feeling" with any other word. Example: I feel sad; I'm thinking negative. I feel happy; tell him what your happy about. tell him the things he does are appreciated and that you would like the same. p.s tell how he can do that. an ESTX advise.
 
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