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Greetings INTJ commuunity,

I am currently seeing an INTJ male, a relationship which began a few weeks ago. We met through work approx. 5 months ago, over time we began to like each other and finally admitted to each other our feelings on somewhat of a superficial level. Now we both are interested in human psychology, and so have spoken in depth of our personality types and how this may factor into a relationship. As mentioned, we have been seeing each other for a couple of weeks.

Im started to question whether he truly likes me or if I am a convenient booty call. We see each other once or twice a week, which I am happy with but because of our busy schedules it is usually later at night. We do have long talks and he does speak of our relationship in reference to the future but he never takes me out on official dates, or offers to pay for coffee when we go out. He does not send me sweet texts, he does compliment me but they are nice statements a friend could give. Dont get me wrong I do not want a sugar daddy, nor do I view myself as high-maintenance financially, it is just the concept behind him offering to pay for coffee despite the fact that I will most likely refuse it. I am not huge on texting but when I do text him, he takes forever to text back and when he does it is minimal, this hurts my feelings and makes me feel like an annoyance. I am quite independent but like to feel wanted as anyone. I guess what im trying to get at is, does it sound to you as though he does not value me greatly or perhaps is it his disconnect from emotions and lack of experience in relationships that is making him appear uncaring. Any feedback and/or clarification given is greatly appreciated! I hope this is clear, Thank you :)
 

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If you don't want to be a booty call, stop offering your booty.

If he doesn't offer to pay for your coffee then you're clearly going on "official dates".

If an INTJ is even complimenting you in the first place, you should appreciate it. The fact that you don't annoys me.

Texts are annoying unless they have a point.

If I was the guy and I knew you were asking this to a forum that doesn't know me rather than asking me directly - I would insta-dump you.
 

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^^ is one perspective

it could be that if you've communicated to him that you enjoy your independence, he respected that, and thought he'll let you buy your own coffee.

You may not be going out on official dates because the 2 of you haven't come to a mutual understanding of where the relationship is at.
 

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Be very wary of this guy.

In fact, a lot of what you have just describe may as well come with a sign that says DANGER CLIFFS AHEAD. Any guy who likes you, regardless of personality type is going to find a way to 1, Spend time with you and 2, Communicate his feelings to you, even if he struggles a bit sometimes. Yes, INTJs have difficulty communicating what we feel. But when we care about someone, we can and do make that effort. This guy isn't making any kind of effort whatsoever. In fact, he seems to be using his personality type as an excuse to treat you with contempt. Being an INTJ does not come with a license to be an arsehole or to ignore the feelings of others.

It sounds to me that he does not value you greatly. My advice is to back right off. Don't call him, text him or arrange any meetings. If or when he contacts you, tell him in no uncertain terms that you find his behaviour hurtful and that you do not appreciate being used. If he's truly sorry, he'll communicate that and start trying a bit harder. If he is just using you, he'll either turn the blame back on you, or be out of your life faster than a speeding bullet.

Sorry if I seem blunt or insensitive here. I have your best interests at heart, and it seems to me that this guy does not value you as much as he should, or at the very least needs a good, swift kick up the bum to serve as a reminder of what is truly important.
 

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He's the only one who could tell you if you have value to him or not. But then, that would require direct communication and from the looks of things, that is a problem here.

All anyone here can provide you with is insight based on personal experience and stereotypes, which does both you and this guy a disservice because you are individuals with your own experiences/needs/etc. This is not a productive means of getting to the issue at hand. However, based purely on what you said, it's possible that the guy perceives the relationship as more superficial than you do. This is something that can be determined by actually talking to him about the status of said relationship.

Side note: I never answer texts right away because I interpret them as low-priority messages, and my responses are usually terse because my phone sucks and I'm likely to be in the middle of something. I figure that if the issue were very important, I'd receive a direct call.
 

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^^ is one perspective

it could be that if you've communicated to him that you enjoy your independence, he respected that, and thought he'll let you buy your own coffee.

You may not be going out on official dates because the 2 of you haven't come to a mutual understanding of where the relationship is at.
nice avatar
 

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NauticalThoughts mentioned that they have spoken to each other about their feelings, even if somewhat superficially, so I will assume he knows you like him as you have told him so.

Therefore I have to agree with Shazette that something isn't right in his behaviour towards you. From what you described, it doesn't sound like this guy is really into you. I am an extreme INTJ but I even I would certainly find time to text, take the OP out, offer my time and compliments and in general make affirm my interest in the other person, provided there is reciprocation ofc. From what you described, you make all the steps and he hardly makes any, so something isn't right.

As a general note, my opinion is that an INFP-INTJ relationship is more likely to fail than to succeed. The two personality types are nowhere near as complementary to each other as they usually appear in the first stages. IMO the INTJ is not naturally geared to satisfying the INFP's core needs, and the same goes when you look at the relationship from the other end.
 

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If you don't want to be a booty call, stop offering your booty.

If he doesn't offer to pay for your coffee then you're clearly going on "official dates".

If an INTJ is even complimenting you in the first place, you should appreciate it. The fact that you don't annoys me.

Texts are annoying unless they have a point.

If I was the guy and I knew you were asking this to a forum that doesn't know me rather than asking me directly - I would insta-dump you.
I just got an epic image of an amalgamation of your avatar and what you actually look like slam dunking a terrified INFP girl into a dumpster.
 

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He's the only one who could tell you if you have value to him or not. But then, that would require direct communication and from the looks of things, that is a problem here.

All anyone here can provide you with is insight based on personal experience and stereotypes, which does both you and this guy a disservice because you are individuals with your own experiences/needs/etc. This is not a productive means of getting to the issue at hand. However, based purely on what you said, it's possible that the guy perceives the relationship as more superficial than you do. This is something that can be determined by actually talking to him about the status of said relationship.
Nothing more needs to be said.

Communicate people; communicate.
 

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You know, when I discover something new intellectually, I want to know everything about it. The same would go for a relationship with extra. I would do as much as I possibly could to spend as much time with you. Even though I'm terrible at expressing my emotions I'd find a way to make sure you knew I cared about you and that I was interested. Same thing with communication, I don't communicate often enough but I certainly wouldn't have a problem texting you. Besides, there isn't many people I text on my phone anyways, so finding time to talk to you shouldn't be difficult.

I most likely wouldn't start a relationship with someone if I thought there was a chance I'd get bored later on, and if I did I wouldn't be so avoidant. What I'm sayin is that you are new in his life, he should be making some sort of effort to express his interest in you but he doesn't appear to be doing that. Maybe he's immature, I don't know.

On a side note, INFPs and ENFPs have a sort of unexplainable way of pulling my emotions out, you'd know on a basic level atleast.
 

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Greetings INTJ commuunity,

I am currently seeing an INTJ male, a relationship which began a few weeks ago. We met through work approx. 5 months ago, over time we began to like each other and finally admitted to each other our feelings on somewhat of a superficial level. Now we both are interested in human psychology, and so have spoken in depth of our personality types and how this may factor into a relationship. As mentioned, we have been seeing each other for a couple of weeks.

Im started to question whether he truly likes me or if I am a convenient booty call. We see each other once or twice a week, which I am happy with but because of our busy schedules it is usually later at night. We do have long talks and he does speak of our relationship in reference to the future but he never takes me out on official dates, or offers to pay for coffee when we go out. He does not send me sweet texts, he does compliment me but they are nice statements a friend could give. Dont get me wrong I do not want a sugar daddy, nor do I view myself as high-maintenance financially, it is just the concept behind him offering to pay for coffee despite the fact that I will most likely refuse it. I am not huge on texting but when I do text him, he takes forever to text back and when he does it is minimal, this hurts my feelings and makes me feel like an annoyance. I am quite independent but like to feel wanted as anyone. I guess what im trying to get at is, does it sound to you as though he does not value me greatly or perhaps is it his disconnect from emotions and lack of experience in relationships that is making him appear uncaring. Any feedback and/or clarification given is greatly appreciated! I hope this is clear, Thank you :)
INTJ perspective here, while every person is different, for myself at least that I have zero interest in a booty calls and would only see someone for that sort of thing if they really meant something to me. However I also have the romantic intelligence of a round shaped rock.

I am just not that good at expressing emotion and tend to think of my affection as self evident or why would be with them in the first place? and in terms of sending sweet texts I don't think I have ever sent one in my life :laughing: my thought process I don't really need affirmation to love someone so why should anyone else? Anyway if there is one thing you can count on me as an INTJ it is blunt and sometimes brutal honesty.

I would say your best shot is to ask him how he feels about you and your prospects for a long term relationship. Trying to understand a INTJ through "feeling" is a sure fire way to get yourself very confused very fast.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
This has been somewhat painful to my ego aha but very insightful and has allowed me valuable insight into the workings of the infamous INTJ mind :eek: Thank you for taking the time to reply to my little soapy dilemma :$. I will meet with him and *calmly* communicate the turbulent mess of emotions I have identified as concerns with him. I am fascinated by him and truly value his intelligence, but I do need to feel valued and respected. We are both young, and he has little relationship experience, at the same time I would appreciate even clumsy somewhat awkward attempts at emotional expression or sentiments of appreciation directed my way. I will update and jesus I have filled my quota of projecting emotional bagagge unto unsuspecting internet users. Thanks again!
 

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Best of luck NauticalThoughts! We INTJs tend to be terrible at picking up emotional "hints", and the fact that you are trying to communicate to him directly without too much emotion is likely the best thing you can do to help him understand you.
 
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