Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 27 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I'm an INFP female. I would THINK that I would match up with an ENFP male, but I don't. I want to though. I started dating an ENFP guy over a span of 4 months. He's always suspicious of my intentions. This is the second ENPF that I tried to date to no avail. I find ENFP males to be vengeful and quite mean if they aren't getting the proper amount of attention that they feel they deserve. Nothing is good enough for them. In a nutshell, it seems that if i'm not dishing out the royal treatment from the very beginning, I'm made out to be the careless bad guy. As you can tell, I just had a falling out with an ENFP and it got quite intense before anything even.... happened?. Can I get some insight on this from an ENPF male or am I beating a dead horse with this post? What are your experiences with infp women?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,381 Posts
Not all ENFPs are like that, enneagram counts for a lot when it comes to personality and how you react and enjoy things.
I cant answer your question since I'm female, but I know as an ENFP 7 girl, you would see me into extremes. Go big or go home, and relationships are included. I like grand gestures, peering into my eyes, dedicating songs after me, and making stuff for me and all that cliche or Lord Bryon sappy crap. I'm young, I need to have passion within a relationship, and my patience CAN run dry when I feel like my partner isnt trying for me but I now have come to understand that people have different languages of love, and my partners were in fact trying, but I was focused on the different things. Communication can be your best friend, if you dont sit down and say what's what, and ENFP can feed off their assumptions and run for the hills.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Yeah I understand. I guess I've just always felt like a man should WORK for that kind of treatment from a lady. I'm very passionate and loving, but it takes time to get to that place. I feel like when I give that away to someone from the very beginning, it cheapens it. I like a little time to pass, and the care between one another to build up before I start really putting my all into something. Also I should mention that he's not big on communicating about emotional issues in person. He will over text but in person everything is a big joke. But it clearly isn't a joke to him, because when he's not looking at me face to face, that is when he starts plotting his next punishment against me. Whether it's giving me the silent treatment for not hanging out with him when he asked me to, or purposely setting up plans with me and then flaking on them to QUOTE "Show me how it feels". Its just bizarre because I've never flaked on him in my life :/ But he must be referring to something else I've done to him unintentionally that he hasn't brought up because he'd rather communicate through passive aggressive behavior rather than speak up and let me know. Ergggg it makes me mad thinking about it lol. You're right, though. Not all ENFP's are like that. Just the ones I've been fortunate enough to encounter. Maybe it's something I'm doing wrong :( I really would love to make it work. He has a beautiful mind underneath all his bitterness towards me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,381 Posts
Yeah I understand. I guess I've just always felt like a man should WORK for that kind of treatment from a lady. I'm very passionate and loving, but it takes time to get to that place. I feel like when I give that away to someone from the very beginning, it cheapens it. I like a little time to pass, and the care between one another to build up before I start really putting my all into something. Also I should mention that he's not big on communicating about emotional issues in person. He will over text but in person everything is a big joke. But it clearly isn't a joke to him, because when he's not looking at me face to face, that is when he starts plotting his next punishment against me. Whether it's giving me the silent treatment for not hanging out with him when he asked me to, or purposely setting up plans with me and then flaking on them to QUOTE "Show me how it feels". Its just bizarre because I've never flaked on him in my life :/ But he must be referring to something else I've done to him unintentionally that he hasn't brought up because he'd rather communicate through passive aggressive behavior rather than speak up and let me know. Ergggg it makes me mad thinking about it lol. You're right, though. Not all ENFP's are like that. Just the ones I've been fortunate enough to encounter. Maybe it's something I'm doing wrong :( I really would love to make it work. He has a beautiful mind underneath all his bitterness towards me.
Sounds like a spiteful person! Be glad he's gone, how catty!
 

·
World's biggest INTJ fangirl
Joined
·
2,314 Posts
ENFP girl here. I on/off dated an INFP guy for a little while but unfortunately his Fi and lack of dedication got to me. He's a great guy and we're still friends but he just seemed to have this non-commitment complex which drove me insane because when I commit, I'm there 100% and I expect the same for my partner. But it just felt like he was still waiting for something better and it drove me to do some pretty crazy things to try and 'win' him over. Eventually I just sort of gave up and left and the only time he seem to stand up and notice was when I had found someone else and he was no longer my world. Then he got all hurt and 'posting sad song lyrics' on facebook.


One of my ENFP guy friends is very much interested in this INFP girl I know. He phones me and asks about her constantly. I know she's interested but she still only seems to put in a fraction of the effort that he is putting into her and that bugs me to no end (mainly because I feel like she's doing to him what my INFP did to me and unfortunately my Fi-Si causes me to factor my personal experiences into the range of possibilities regarding this situation that doesn't actually involve me at all).


What I'm trying to say though, is that we need more affirmation in a relationship. It's a two way street. Chasing someone and getting next to no results is exhausting and quite frankly feels like we're dating a dead fish in the end. Basically, (when you find a healthy ENFP and that's still the road you want to take), try and give him more affirmation (ENFPs crave affirmation, I'll still even go fishing for it and I'm in a committed relationship). Forget this whole 'man does all the chasing thing', learn each other's love languages and apply them, it'll make a world of difference.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,623 Posts
@AngelinaINFP, regardless of his personality type, the dude sounds abusive. If he was unhappy and wanted to work things out he'd tell you exactly what was wrong. Planning and plotting vengeance because you don't meet his expectations is toxic.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
8,597 Posts
It sounds like there's a lot more here that isn't being communicated because a person doesn't just suddenly become malicious or vengeful for no reason. Either that or he's being a big baby and you're being too sensitive.

At any rate if you two find yourself fighting before even dating then that should be a pretty clear indication that you're not right for each other.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
788 Posts
He's an unhealthy/immature ENFP for sure if he's acting that way. It sounds like he wants drama, he's obviously trying to provoke you. Him being suspicious of your intentions suggests to me that he's a little out of touch with his Fi and is mostly running on Ne (generating suspicions about your behaviour) and then trying to prove them with a reaction from you (Te looking for empirical results). I think you either have to call someone out on this, and possibly end up having an unpleasant conversation about "what's really going on here?" or accept that they're too immature for you, tell them so and move on.

Plus, ENFPs can be difficult because they get bored so easily. They lead with Ne, not Fi like you, so if they feel like you're not giving their intuition much stimulation (which is often hard, we're constantly asking for novelty) then they move on. This isn't your fault, it's a lot to ask for someone to incessantly providing us with mental tangents and previously unconsidered paths of thought; part of an ENFP learning maturity is accepting that not everyone is there to entertain us...

My only experience with an INFP woman is with one I'm not romantically interested in, so I can't give much tangible advice about how to make that sort of relationship work. However, I would say that compromising by giving an ENFP regular feedback on how you feel about them is good, because otherwise we have a tendency to fabricate our own beliefs about where we stand with you, or worry that you're disinterested if you don't at least occasionally tell us you value us. I suspect this is part of why he's "testing" you, though in his case it's in a wholly overblown and spiteful sounding way.

Whatever you decide though, look after yourself and don't let him mistreat you. ENFPs can be jerks like any other type, and you shouldn't let him get away with it just because his mind interests you.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
13,780 Posts
I'm an INFP female. I would THINK that I would match up with an ENFP male, but I don't. I want to though. I started dating an ENFP guy over a span of 4 months. He's always suspicious of my intentions. This is the second ENPF that I tried to date to no avail. I find ENFP males to be vengeful and quite mean if they aren't getting the proper amount of attention that they feel they deserve. Nothing is good enough for them. In a nutshell, it seems that if i'm not dishing out the royal treatment from the very beginning, I'm made out to be the careless bad guy. As you can tell, I just had a falling out with an ENFP and it got quite intense before anything even.... happened?. Can I get some insight on this from an ENPF male or am I beating a dead horse with this post? What are your experiences with infp women?
o.o this does not compute with me. I honestly prefer ISTP (because TJs tend to grate on my CP 6-ish anti authoritarian side) women as I don't want to bother with whiny emoting people. I'm not needy emotionally, tbh I need the distance. Grand, over the top gestures I percive as too much / annoying.

I'd like for once to date a cool headed down to earth relaxed T woman who doesen't cry about wants and needs every day, someone who needs space every now and then as much as I do.

:ninja: I also managed to maintain all my past relationships as friendships more or less. At the very least we part on good terms.

I have magic skills at being friends with everyone...thou to be honest I'm more of a socionics ENFP (IEE) then MBTI.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
640 Posts
I'm an INFP female. I would THINK that I would match up with an ENFP male, but I don't. I want to though. I started dating an ENFP guy over a span of 4 months. He's always suspicious of my intentions. This is the second ENPF that I tried to date to no avail. I find ENFP males to be vengeful and quite mean if they aren't getting the proper amount of attention that they feel they deserve. Nothing is good enough for them. In a nutshell, it seems that if i'm not dishing out the royal treatment from the very beginning, I'm made out to be the careless bad guy. As you can tell, I just had a falling out with an ENFP and it got quite intense before anything even.... happened?. Can I get some insight on this from an ENPF male or am I beating a dead horse with this post? What are your experiences with infp women?
My two cents. This whole 'courting you'/'working for your attention' makes me think of white knight syndrome. As a male I did buy into these ideas when I was still heavily influenced by Disney movies. I now believe this is one of the many ideas wrongly taught to me by my culture. I don't "need" anything from anyone, but if my significant other doesn't realize that I'm a badass then I'll probably kick her to the curb.

I realize this may have nothing to do with your situation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 · (Edited)
My two cents. This whole 'courting you'/'working for your attention' makes me think of white knight syndrome. As a male I did buy into these ideas when I was still heavily influenced by Disney movies. I now believe this is one of the many ideas wrongly taught to me by my culture. I don't "need" anything from anyone, but if my significant other doesn't realize that I'm a badass then I'll probably kick her to the curb.

I realize this may have nothing to do with your situation.
I pointed out the fact that he was courting me, because he immediately started the 'push me away/make me prove myself game', right from the start after HE initiated the whole thing, which was really frustrating to me..mainly because I felt that I wasn't even given a fair shot. Why did he even bother? I mean, my first "offense" was that of not texting back quick enough the FIRST day. We go to a university and met in a psych class that we had together. He approached me and asked me out to dinner after class. I couldn't stop smiling the whole date. It was great and we exchanged numbers. The next day I was very busy, so I was unable to respond immediately to his texts. I thought nothing of it, and I never thought he would have either. The next class meeting, he wouldn't LOOK at me or even make eye contact lol. I had to sit in class for the full 3 hours pondering over what I've done that made him so stand-offish all of the sudden and the only thing I could come up with was the texting which he finally confirmed. The fact that he was so hard on me over something so petty THAT soon, was a red flag to me so and let our "thing" go. We ended up talking through it. He let me know that he was waiting for me to approach him and apologize, and told me that he was mad because it took a lot out of him to approach me for dinner, and that my poor texting made him feel like I wasn't interested. I apologized and reassured him. I should have just ended it at that point, because it got worse over the next couple of months. I tried to be mrs perfect. Answer his calls in a timely fashion/hang out with him frequently/ect. But he FOUND things to get mad about and remained vengeful. He didn't use his WORDS. He would just "punish me" through his actions (silent treatment, rude comments for the next few hours, ect). For example, one day he asked to meet up and I tell him I couldn't. The next day I see him and he's being sarcastic/evil the entire day to the point that it started getting awkward. He told me he's just "being a baby" for the previous night. I tried talking sense into him and explained to him that we never made plans to hang out that day so I already had plans. It wasn't like I flaked on him...he finally got over it but not until hours later. Weird. Final straw: I was LATE meeting up with him (first time being late). We get breakfast. After breakfast we both agree to meet up again later that evening. He keeps checking in with me to make sure I'm still meeting up with him. I get ready, it's almost time to meet and so I call him. No answer. He tells me to keep getting ready but he'll be a little late. Long story short, he never calls back and he stands me up. The next day he proceeds to tell me that he did that to "show me how it feels to wait" and that he was punishing me for that morning when I was running late. I was so pissed off at him, not for flaking on me, but for the reasoning behind it -- treating me as if I'm some DOG that he's trying to train. I broke things off and told him that I cannot live up to his expectations and that I'm tired of being crucified for every little thing. He told me that he didn't mean to start a fight, that he really has deep feelings for me, and that he was only trying to "help me". Help me? What a jerk! I told him to get off his high horse and grow up.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 · (Edited)
I have a feeling that this won't be our last time talking since we go to the same university so my question is: If it comes down to it, and we begin to discuss again what went wrong, what can I do to "wake him up"? I wish there was a magic phrase that would give him a new perspective and show him how ridiculous he's being. He's mentioned that he's had bad experiences in relationships so it's obvious that he has his guard up. Is there a way? Or should I not even bother. If any ENFP males can relate to this behavior, maybe you have some advice for me as well
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
640 Posts
I have a feeling that this won't be our last time talking since we go to the same university so my question is: If it comes down to it, and we begin to discuss again what went wrong, what can I do to "wake him up"? I wish there was a magic phrase that would give him a new perspective and show him how ridiculous he's being. He's mentioned that he's had bad experiences in relationships so it's obvious that he has his guard up. Is there a way? Or should I not even bother. If any ENFP males can relate to this behavior, maybe you have some advice for me as well
"wake him up" is cryptic for "change him." People do not change. Well some do, but they are changing constantly as a result of their self awareness and not because of an awaking resulting from external stimulus.

He sounds extreme and whack.

Is it worth it? No
Solution: Kick him to the curb.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,323 Posts
"wake him up" is cryptic for "change him." People do not change. Well some do, but they are changing constantly as a result of their self awareness and not because of an awaking resulting from external stimulus.

He sounds extreme and whack.

Is it worth it? No
Solution: Kick him to the curb.
<------Likes the way this guy above thinks. Rock on!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
537 Posts
I have a feeling that this won't be our last time talking since we go to the same university so my question is: If it comes down to it, and we begin to discuss again what went wrong, what can I do to "wake him up"? I wish there was a magic phrase that would give him a new perspective and show him how ridiculous he's being. He's mentioned that he's had bad experiences in relationships so it's obvious that he has his guard up. Is there a way? Or should I not even bother. If any ENFP males can relate to this behavior, maybe you have some advice for me as well
Do you want to understand his perspective or do you want to feel justified in yours? Either is a valid choice, but would alter what I write.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Do you want to understand his perspective or do you want to feel justified in yours? Either is a valid choice, but would alter what I write.
A part of me DOES understand his perspective. I too have trust issues, so I understand wanting to push someone away. But I don't take it as far as he does. I don't let my issues from previous relationships sabotage future relationships. I try to trust people until they give me a reason NOT to. He's been bitter at me from the start. When we first began dating he would even make remarks about me reminding him of "the popular girl in school and he's the nerd". Huh???? It lets me know that he's letting the idea of who he THINKS I am, get in the way of who I really am and who I've been trying to show him that I am. I guess I want him to step back and realize that I haven't done anything to wrong him!!! Lol literally nothing! It's all in his head. He takes something I do and over analyzes it to prove his point that I'm not into him. Honestly, the more I type about it, the more unlikely it seems that we'd work out. I'm going to just accept that he won't change, just like many of you have suggested, and hopefully one day he will meet whoever will give him that reassurance that he needs.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
761 Posts
@AngelinaINFP Don't even bother with this guy, seriously. There are much better guys out there waiting to be found. :kitteh:
Some people seem to think it's better to be treated like a trained dog, than for someone to change...for their loved one? Who doesn't change for the person they love? Please don't buy into this...this guy has a lot of maturing to do, and please don't try making him a better person or anything. Have in mind that this behavior can lead to violence in the future, if he willingly takes revenge on you, for doing nothing wrong at all. He's just not for you.
 
  • Like
Reactions: AngelinaINFP

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,289 Posts
Thinking of this guy as a "typical ENFP" experience would be a mistake. Tbh, I think I actually want girls to make me work for their affections- usually if they're really worth it to me then I'll put a huge amount of energy into that person. I want to feel like I deserve someone's affections, and when I feel like a girl has given in too easily it instantly becomes less valuable to me, so in that regard I'm at least one ENFP guy who is quite different. I've actually found that I've found INFPs interesting for exactly this reason.

In terms of options, I would have thought there'd be better options surely? Surely the vast majority of guys act better than this, at least at my age (22) most people think it's kind of sad and pathetic to act passive aggressively like that- you still get guys like that, but I would have thought it would be easy enough to avoid them.

I'll probably come back and post a better answer when I have time to read this thread properly. and my brain is not a hazy fog of sleepiness.
 
1 - 20 of 27 Posts
Top