Personality Cafe banner

1 - 12 of 12 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hi
I am really in need of some serious help. I am an INFP female and this guy i'm apparently dating is an ENFJ.. sounds perfect by the book, but there is trouble.. he says he really loves me but is having trouble leaving his already shaky relationship of 2years as he wants to ensure that even she(she is an INFJ) is taken care of well.. so he really is going through a lot of confusion and stress and it is visible, says he needs me to support him and stand by him through this but here is the deal.. we have been together like for 2weeks now.. though it feels intense and true .. it's still young and i am not sure if i should stand by him or call it quits ..also, i seem to be having trouble accepting his long list of female friends who he apparently always finds time for .. "she is unwell.. can we talk in the morning.. i really need to be here " or " she is feeling lonely, i cannot meet you today.. but we will definitely meet tomorrow" and the first thing every morning is a call from him .. so i am really confused because i am not able to decipher what is he really upto.. is he having fun or is he really bothered about them and wants me to support him. Although on one level it seems nice to see him take care of his people but i am sure a lot of these women have feelings for him (just in case if he doesn't) and he really doesn't know where to draw the lines.. and somewhere it makes me feel insecure.. and somehow he never takes care of his emotions as it is directly based on how helpful has he been to people around him.. and i feel as if i am being treated as he treats himself, which more often than not hurts me . although i have'nt expressed it yet but i am really confused.. any help would be highly appreciated.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
32 Posts
I had a recent negative experience with an ENFJ. I'm not saying that all ENFJ's are like this, if there is one thing I learned in that relationship is that I really really like ENFJ men, but just that the ENFJ I dated turned out to be a liar.

All those women, were 'back up' women. Although in my situation he was single and his problem for us to conquer was his "overwhelming love for me that made it hard to commit because it meant changing all of his plans"

Plus to be fair, those feelings of intensity you sound like you are having, well i had them and really and truely it was nothing but lust. So easy to confuse it with an ENFJ I find, or an ENFx in general. Something about them, just really makes my blood race. I, who is usually so cynical, got sucked into a world in which it felt so intense and so 'real'.

But it wasn't real. It's too soon to say its real, plus in all reality, having been with him for 2 weeks, can you really say without a shadow of a doubt that these women aren't other women?

He is cheating with you, who is to say he doesn't make a habit of it?

I know serial cheaters who just can't leave their partner, but need the constant change. I mean we all like to believe in the goodness of people, and take what they say at face value, but really, how can you be sure? you can't.

It all sounds very suspicious to me.

I could be wrong though. I have been known to be overly cynical. :p
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
342 Posts
Halfway through your post I automatically am triggered to say, "Get away from him. He's no good, and is emotionally manipulative. RUN!"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
298 Posts
Ok if he is in a relationship already with someone else he is cheating on her with you. And if he can cheat on her you better believe that if you starting seeing him he will have no problems with cheating on you with someone else. Get away from him, that is a major red flag.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,440 Posts
Support him emotionally within a set deadline. It should not take more than a week or a few weeks to break up with the other and till then, I'd tell him that I would support him if he really wants to be in a relationship with you, but you have to keep your distance until he does, so no physical things. If he can do that, than I think it may be more than a fling...if he needs the physical things, then he probably loves you more for that than for anything else. Plus, even a kiss with somebody that is in a different relationship or not completely over yet would seem like cheating to me and that would make me feel bad...it would go against my values.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
Support him emotionally within a set deadline. It should not take more than a week or a few weeks to break up with the other and till then, I'd tell him that I would support him if he really wants to be in a relationship with you, but you have to keep your distance until he does, so no physical things. If he can do that, than I think it may be more than a fling...if he needs the physical things, then he probably loves you more for that than for anything else. Plus, even a kiss with somebody that is in a different relationship or not completely over yet would seem like cheating to me and that would make me feel bad...it would go against my values.
he just suggested himself that we get to know each other better and let things flow their natural flow for now coz he is feeling guilty about the messiness of his emotional state and it would only be fair if we took some time to sort things in life and be ready for the commitments we intend to make to each other.. which is all good as per your suggestions.. thanks a tonn though!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,440 Posts
he just suggested himself that we get to know each other better and let things flow their natural flow for now coz he is feeling guilty about the messiness of his emotional state and it would only be fair if we took some time to sort things in life and be ready for the commitments we intend to make to each other.. which is all good as per your suggestions.. thanks a tonn though!
yeah, this sounds good, it could be a better foundation for a relationship.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
298 Posts
he just suggested himself that we get to know each other better and let things flow their natural flow for now coz he is feeling guilty about the messiness of his emotional state and it would only be fair if we took some time to sort things in life and be ready for the commitments we intend to make to each other.. which is all good as per your suggestions.. thanks a tonn though!
Honestly girl the advice Razvan is giving you is not good at all, I know he means well and he is trying to help but its not good advice. Like I stated before, if he is "apparently dating you" like you say he is in your original post but is in a relationship for that has lasted 2 YEARS with another girl. He is CHEATING on that girl with you. Lets say he breaks up with her to be with you, what makes you think that he could not do the EXACT same thing to you in the future with another girl? If he can do it to this poor girl that he is dating now he can certainly do it to you.

I took a look at your type and you are an INFP so I'm aware you make decisions based on how you feel, and sometimes that can serve well. However, I'm telling you in this case if you make a decision based on emotion and choose to go with this guy I am 90% sure you are going to end up very hurt and very sorry in the end. I have seen this kind of thing before, it never ends well. Anyways, from your original post and from the post I am quoting it almost seems like he is pandering to your emotional side which only is serving to lure you in. Believe me this is not a good road to go down. Honestly I think this guy based on what you have said is playing you.

Anyways if you discard everything I just said and don't want to take any of this advice. At least take this away from this bit of advice. Be mindful, be careful, and be on your guard because it sounds like you are walking down a dangerous road right now.
 

·
MOTM Dec 2011
Joined
·
8,651 Posts
You need to examine what you know to be right & put aside your infatuation. Pretend you are a friend - would you advise your friend to put up with this? INFPs are often good at seeing the dynamics of relationships & what is good/bad & needs to be adjusted when outside of them, but when in the midst of one they won't take the same solid advice they'll give to others. Stop giving this guy the benefit of the doubt when he's giving you clear signs of who he is.

At the very least you need to tell this guy there is no romance between you as long as he is with someone else. He needs to be 100% free before you date. Then, you need to stick to that & distance yourself from him for your own good. Giving deadlines won't work - these men will string the "other woman" along for years with that tactic. It's always "soon", they can't leave until X happens (which is then replaced by another excuse), etc, when in reality they have no intention of leaving their other SO.

The thing he does with female friends is a typical complaint against ENFJ males, but I suspect the more well-adjusted ones don't do this so much. ENFJs in general can do the "the last will be first" thing in regards to people, putting off those most important to them while they handle more casual connections, but this is something they need to curb in a relationship.

In general, if dating someone who does this, then you need to make it clear what is/isn't acceptable as far as canceling on you, putting you on the backburner, and being inappropriately close with female friends. If they can't adjust to behave within reasonable boundaries for a relationship, then they are not someone who is a good partner.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
56 Posts
Hi
I am really in need of some serious help. I am an INFP female and this guy i'm apparently dating is an ENFJ.. sounds perfect by the book, but there is trouble.. he says he really loves me but is having trouble leaving his already shaky relationship of 2years as he wants to ensure that even she(she is an INFJ) is taken care of well.. so he really is going through a lot of confusion and stress and it is visible, says he needs me to support him and stand by him through this but here is the deal.. we have been together like for 2weeks now.. though it feels intense and true .. it's still young and i am not sure if i should stand by him or call it quits ..also, i seem to be having trouble accepting his long list of female friends who he apparently always finds time for .. "she is unwell.. can we talk in the morning.. i really need to be here " or " she is feeling lonely, i cannot meet you today.. but we will definitely meet tomorrow" and the first thing every morning is a call from him .. so i am really confused because i am not able to decipher what is he really upto.. is he having fun or is he really bothered about them and wants me to support him. Although on one level it seems nice to see him take care of his people but i am sure a lot of these women have feelings for him (just in case if he doesn't) and he really doesn't know where to draw the lines.. and somewhere it makes me feel insecure.. and somehow he never takes care of his emotions as it is directly based on how helpful has he been to people around him.. and i feel as if i am being treated as he treats himself, which more often than not hurts me . although i have'nt expressed it yet but i am really confused.. any help would be highly appreciated.
I'm an ENFJ, and I can understand his position. We have an uncontrollable need to help people. It's our universal ability that cannot be changed. Past relationships are hard to leave, especially if the ex-partner is unhappy and not doing good. But in a relationship we usually choose our current partner over everyone else, but it's still difficult to make that choice. But, keep a close eye on him, because when it comes to helping, we have a tendency to help people to a point where we might become unfaithful to our partner to make someone feel good. I would set some ground rules. Talk to him about it, and tel him what you think, because we will respond greatly to deep personal concerns and opinions. Keep is a little less aggressive when setting these rules and boundaries, but be assertive and let him know that you want to see him more (that is, if you do). I understand this is a year late response, but I hope you guys are still together, because ENFJs are something quite special, and it would be a shame to lose one. Hope this helps
 
1 - 12 of 12 Posts
Top