Relationships share similarities with writing. There's two parts for both: skill and style.
The skill part or the craft part for writing is learning sentence structure, developing characters. All our favorites writers have developed their skills at effective writing. However, all writers have their own unique style when they write so no two stories are exactly the same. I don't think any of the writers thinks, oh the last thing I want in my head when I write is that a sentence should probably have a subject and an verb. Their taking the various skills they've developed and writing the book "naturally."
There's the something called the Theory of Multiple Intelligence. The theory's eight currently accepted intelligences are:
* Spatial
* Linguistic
* Logical-mathematical
* Kinesthetic
* Musical
* Interpersonal
* Intrapersonal
* Naturalist
Some people are "natural", on other words they intuitively and easily learn the skills in that intelligence. Someone with a high kinesthetic intelligence would be good at sports and dance. If some people are natural at a particular intelligence then there must mean that there are some people that just suck at a particular intelligence where it's harder to learn.
In other words, our "perception and imagination" in that particular intelligence suck. I'm talking about Interpersonal intelligence. If INFPs were naturals at Interpersonal intelligence, there would be less threads about how people misunderstand us and how our relationships end up badly.
So tell me if I'm interpreting this all wrong, but what I hear you saying is this:
Love is important. But even though we aren't naturally gifted at innately learning the skills to have a relationships, it's more "natural" to suck at it for a long time until we fail at enough relationships to learn what not to do.
I'm gonna have to disagree about looking for these sorts of answers in a book. Part of being idealist for me is about getting into a relationship "naturally" so to speak. All those things you discussed, while likely true, are the last things i want in my head when i meet someone... all i want in my head is them. This I'm sure is not the most effective method, but, it isn't always about effectiveness.
...I think for an INFP the real kind of focus comes in the form of perception and imagination, and i think more than anything, we're always looking for and imagining love. Love is too important and too real to be reduced to probabilities and the results of studies. Only an internal model and reference is significant enough to be considered.. for me anyway.
When you meet your soulmate, you know, and it doesn't matter what you've read.
There's been a thread recently where an INFP wife dislikes it when her in-laws come over for weeks at a time and her ESTJ husband doesn't seem to care.
There are threads about how INFPs thought they were with their soulmates but ended up breaking up. So were these INFPs mistaken in thinking these people were their soulmates because a perfect relationship would have the issues that broke them up. Or do you think that even though someone is a soulmate doesn't bypass the need to learn relationships skills which INFPs aren't natural at?
Meeting your soulmate and having a good relationships with your soulmate are two different things.