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Discussion Starter #1
Could some of you INFP guys elaborate on this.

My 'insecurity' relapses each time I have a terrible experience with girls. A girl practically throws herself on me and I can't close the deal. Or even connecting and forming friendships with girls is hard for me.

So after terrible experiences, my mind rationalizes: my behavior was gay yet internally I'm strongly attracted to woman. Not once have I fantasized about a man.

Anyway, just curious to hear stories from other INFP guys about this issue.
 

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How old are you espresso? If you don't mind me asking...

I had to reflect on this in the past until I was in a long-term relationship with a girl and that pretty much made it clear to me. It might be something about being an INFP (or just NF) that your behaviour isn't so masculine or aggressive compared to your peers so it makes you wonder. I must've been 16 or 17 when my parents one night wanted to have a talk with me. They made it very clear that it's ok to be gay. Maybe they got their ideas because I wasn't sharing that part of my life with them.

Sometimes I still think about it but it doesn't take long to come to the conclusion that I'm not that curious.

...and by the way, I've got the picture that gay men have lots of female friends compared to straight men.
 

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Thanks Miro, what you said pretty much aligns with what I'm going through. I have cousins who think I'm gay and it's a little frustrating (though believe me I'm 100% supportive of being gay and have no problems with it). I'm in my early 20's and have had only one serious relationships and 3-4 more casual relationships. I've had a total of 6 partners. But yeah, like you, it doesn't take long to conclude I'm more straight than gay or bisexual. Must really be the NF thing.
 

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INFPs (or NFs in general) are pretty androgynous. The females are not super grossly boyish, but we do not care about being super prim and proper; We just want to be ourselves. This, in return, gets immature people to call us lesbians or tomboys. (I know I've been called "lesbo" when I was in middle school...)

NF guys are much more sensitive, and thus, get called gay and or thought of as homosexual still in the closet.
 

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I checkout the ladies as they walk by. not the dudes. I've never really question my sexual orientation. But i have questioned my luck with the ladies.

Being unlucky with the ladies is not a sign that we are homosexual. Trust me, there have been a few occasions where a girl has pretty much given herself to me on a silver platter. and I was completely oblivious to it (or unable...too...scared? to make a move). The reaction to that is a good sign for you. If you were homosexual, I think you'd know it. as for my reaction...I kick myself when I find out what I missed out on...and of course I go back and relive it in my fantasy world over and over:crazy:
 

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I checkout the ladies as they walk by. not the dudes. I've never really question my sexual orientation. But i have questioned my luck with the ladies.

Being unlucky with the ladies is not a sign that we are homosexual. Trust me, there have been a few occasions where a girl has pretty much given herself to me on a silver platter. and I was completely oblivious to it (or unable...too...scared? to make a move). The reaction to that is a good sign for you. If you were homosexual, I think you'd know it. as for my reaction...I kick myself when I find out what I missed out on...and of course I go back and relive it in my fantasy world over and over:crazy:

the boner test. if you get a boner over a guy, then chances are you may be gay, not saying you are though.
 

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So basically you're overly aware of the gender of the person you're interacting with that it basically inhibits you.

I used to be that way, but now I just flirt with every girl with no intentions of something actually materializing from it. Sometimes just that act of non-threatening flirtation not only makes them feel good about themselves, but also adds a shroud of untouchability to yourself. "Some things are beautiful for the very reason they appear unattainable." The end result is just more girls more interested in you, it's almost comical. You don't seem to have a general problem with attracting girls, just forming the bond.

My advice? Be aware that most girls look for things they don't have in themselves. #1 thing? Pretty much is just confidence. If you have that confidence then the chances are you are the King. Think of it in a way that you're in a situation where the police are needed. You will pretty much bow down to the cop and listen to everything they say because they have this confidence in what they're saying and you'd imagine, high level of experience with these situations. Now, the latter may not -actually- be true, but for the most part everybody generally obeys. When you have presence you have persuasiveness.

Focusing on the gay tidbit, I am capable of looking at a guy and thinking "I bet he's popular with the ladies," and I may even focus on traits to see why, but that doesn't mean I find them attractive to me.

The only thing I think i'm a little gay on, but I'd prefer to say metro, is that I can sometimes take awhile to get ready. Then again, that's the sword you swing if you focus on having presence with people. Good and bad in every trait, eh :D.
 

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Thanks Lad, that made perfect sense.

You hit it on the nail: confidence is king. For INFP, we may be introverts, but that doesn't deny us the ability to be confident. And it's that quiet, James Bond-type confidence that I'm working on achieving.
 

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homosexuality includes being sexually attracted to the same sex. an attraction is not something you "consider".
 

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Thanks Lad, that made perfect sense.

You hit it on the nail: confidence is king. For INFP, we may be introverts, but that doesn't deny us the ability to be confident. And it's that quiet, James Bond-type confidence that I'm working on achieving.
Well, if you want, check out the complete extreme of confidence (you never want to hit this high).
TuckerMax.com
most of these are +18 little stories from the guys life. He's a bit of a drunk and a playa, but the stories, and specifically his thought process, are hysterical.
 

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I just picture myself cuddling with a man naked and I can successfully confirm that I'm hetero, because I really wouldn't like that!
 

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From the opposite view point, as an INFP woman, I did not date until I was out of HS, and I think I was 19 or 20 when I had my first kiss. I've never questioned being heterosexual because I find men attractive & not women, but I'm also very nervous around the men I especially find attractive.

So yeah, some INFPs may find themselves "late bloomers" when it comes to romance. I think a lot of other people are more comfortable with exploring the physical side of relationships first, but we may need the emotional connection first before we're comfortable to go there, and so when we try to do it out of order it's all awkward. I've realized that I get nothing from physical contact that has no feeling behind it, so why bother? I don't care if this makes me strange compared to others. It just takes longer for me to warm up to people in every way - emotionally, physically, even mentally. I'm easily embarrassed & very sensitive also, so a high level of comfort is required before I will make myself vulnerable.

When I was in middle school & HS, a few people asked me if I was lesbian because I did not date anyone. I'm actually quite feminine looking, not tomboyish at all, but I was never boy-crazy in that gushy way some teenage girls are. If I did have a crush on anyone, you couldn't torture it out of me (my sister would prod me to confide in her, but her teasing just made me more secretive). The funny thing was, I did not think anyone would be interested in me, so why bother. It's funny how people will see it so differently from the outside & conclude that you must be gay or asexual or something. I got annoyed by it, so I cut out some picture of a singer in a band I thought was cute & stuck in on my binder to proclaim my heterosexuality, and then everyone left me alone.

By not dating as early as most, I also think I've learned a lot more about who I am & what I need & where I can improve as a person. I was not distracted by being in a relationship all the time. I notice people who jump from relationship to relationship sometimes don't have much of one with themselves.
 

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Acting stereotypically feminine doesn't make you gay, though it suggests you're probably a bit of a wimp... you know, my ISFP brother is like, 75% "feminine" on the Bem test, and girls think he's cute as hell. He still has trouble finding a legitimate girlfriend for any substantial length of time, because he wants a serious, authentic connection with a chick. It's hard to find when you are among a very shallow general population, and especially among your peers.
 

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I used to think there was something wrong with me as I too had very terrible luck for a long time. I used to think "well I'm attracted to women, but I don't have any luck there, is this what coming out of the closet feels like? is this how it starts? omg"

Thankfully that all passed.

I'm comfortable with being straight so on occasion I really play up the gay with friends in public (like in a gay chicken kind of way) note: it's very hard to win against actual gay people. Unfortunately that's who my competition is most of the time so I'm used to losing.

I also possess the same power as lad; I can pick out what guys are likely to be attractive to the opposite sex.
 
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I have been called gay many times by peers who dissaprove of my actions and attitudes. I am very shy and quiet, even when I mean not to be. I get all mushy with romance instead of getting horny and aggressive, I want it to be symbolic and intense, like a movie scene. Most guys would be happy to use a common, ugly net and catch as many fish as they can. I am looking for that special one that wants what's struttin' on the end of my line (wow, that sounds kinda gay). Of course most people just want to date and be liked, and the whole sensitive, honest relationship thing scares the fish. I think we misinterpret being different as being unlikable or defective, when really what we are looking for is harder to find than your average couple. Don't let the crowd tell you who you are. They are often very wrong about the way things should be done, that's why we can't do things their way and we end up getting snubbed.

I have had serious self-esteem issues after being rejected for not acting like a 'man'. I know there is truth to being confident and strong, and also sure of what you want, but I think early on girls are scared of anything that isn't cliche masculinity (acting tough, cool, better than thou). For example, I consider a man to be someone who would make a good father and husband. This is the kind of guy who can walk away from a fight and not spend the night in jail. But that attitude doesn't really stand out in highschool. I agree we are late bloomers in the love section because we can't be superficial and all the rest as easily as the players, in fact we might disagree with some of the rules of the game. But when it comes to being gay, I just picture standing behind a guy bent over naked with his cock and balls dangling and ask myself if that makes me horny. I've had male friends who I thought I was closer to than any chick at the time, but I was never physically attracted to them.

Maybe someday humankind will find that some traits described as feminine are actually universal, suppressed feelings of engaged, caring, loving intention to understand and belong. Anyone who swims against the river is going to have a hard time feeling at peace, but you have to fight it because you know the water is headed for a fall. You might not get the everyday recognition that you are an attractive, capable man with desire to live a real life that people pretend to have, challenging yourself and humanity's big questions. But every once in a while, when things get deep, and people are disillusioned and hurt from the violent current, they'll appreciate who you are and will swim with ya. I've had girls ignore me and my good intentions and run off to the worst kind, only to tell me later that they felt safe and warm with me, an have been miserable having what they thought they wanted. It's long-term rewards for good souls, and you will end up being loved for the same stuff that people are rejecting you now.
 

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i've never really had a doubt about my heterosexuality, though that doesnt mean i havent given a chance in the past to think about making love to another man. but the thought generally isnt as appealing.

gosh, though, this one guy i briefly worked with... i swear, he had the cutest (kinda quirky) face and this really nice smile and seemed so *nice*... if he started hitting on me, it definitely would've given me a pause to think hard for a moment. bet he'd be a real neato kisser... feh.

some folks on a chatroom i go to have all decided that i'm flamingly gay, and wont leave me alone about it. well, whichever.
 
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INFPs (or NFs in general) are pretty androgynous. The females are not super grossly boyish, but we do not care about being super prim and proper; We just want to be ourselves. This, in return, gets immature people to call us lesbians or tomboys. (I know I've been called "lesbo" when I was in middle school...)

NF guys are much more sensitive, and thus, get called gay and or thought of as homosexual still in the closet.
This might be slightly off-topic, but THANK YOU. That's the exact wording I was looking for: androgynous. I kind of have gone through a similar scenario with my parents in that I am kind of a tomboy and my ideal self would be equally capable and somewhat fitted with an equally strong, logical, and capable masculine side, but with with lots of sprinkles of femininity within to be used when necessary. I have a feeling my mom thinks I might be gay even though I had a serious relationship a few months ago with a male, and I was the one who was less emotional about breaking it off :bored:. She also nags me (she is ISFJ) about how I never dress up or act girly, don't like cleaning, don't know how to cook much, don't want to get married, etc. and that I'm like my dad (INTP). It's tiring.
 

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NF guys are much more sensitive, and thus, get called gay and or thought of as homosexual still in the closet.
For this reason, you think being an actually gay IXFP would rock, because you would never have to come out of the closet, but it doesn't work that way. Instead you get dragged out of the closet a lot from people you barely even know

Even my grandparents think I'm gay, and no one's told them!
 
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It's kind of like dogs, if you hit them enough they will eventually start thinking they did something to deserve it ( I don't do that btw). You have enough bad experiences with women you'll start to think you're gay, the only solution is to have sex with a woman.......and then a man and compare, you'll likely back out before you actually have sex with a man and presto, you know you're straight. If you go through with it you're probly gay, and then you know. Good luck.

p.s. I went back and actually read your post and just because you can't close with women doesn't make you gay, you may just not be ready. I mean if you're under say 20 then I would say you just need some more time. Hell, even if you're over 20 you might be a late bloomer, once you start hitting your late 20's I'd start getting worried. I wouldn't sweat it if I were you.
 

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For this reason, you think being an actually gay IXFP would rock, because you would never have to come out of the closet, but it doesn't work that way. Instead you get dragged out of the closet a lot from people you barely even know

Even my grandparents think I'm gay, and no one's told them!
Reminds me of an ENFP friend who tells this story about how once her grandmother told a cashier lady at a clothing store that her granddaughter was a lesbian. LOL.

x_X I'm a tricky case myself, born female, identifying as androgyne, and preferring women... people still interpret me gender-wise however they like, but no matter what, they notice that I am... not quite "normal," I guess? :tongue:
 
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