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INFP in Awesome relationships.. Tell me your secrets!

3096 Views 31 Replies 17 Participants Last post by  SalvinaZerelda
:crazy:Hello! :D So I'm 20 now and have never been on a date. I... I actually haven't even had my first kiss yet.:unsure: This is a problem because i'm a huge hopeless romantic. I want very badly to be in a relationship but I can't even begin to fathom how to do so. I'm really bad at both flirting and understanding when someone is attempting to flirt with me. I also tend to shy away from those i'm super attracted to and when I do engage in conversation i'm often very flustered and act like a weirdo. :frustrating: In short i'm painfully awkward. So my question to you, my fellow INFP's, is how do you go about relationships? If you have ever been in a situation similar to mine or even just have some good tips i'd love to here them! Thanks for your time! :happy:
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Well I was single all throughout university and my early 20's so I don't know how to navigate that sort of dating scene. My adult relationships happened simply because I met the right person and was in a frame of mind that he liked. So:

- Relatively confident, at least enough to be authentic and hope for the best
- At peace with my singleness (i.e. not desperate)
- Knowing what I want out of life and out of a relationship
- Interests in common

And of course the important thing is that he actually appreciated my personality and found me attractive. In all honesty I'm still not noticed by most people, so I have nothing on how to attract them either.

Once the relationship happens, I think it's all down to honesty and communication.

If you're desperate for a relationship, it's probably going to be a turn-off to anyone who isn't 1. also desperate, or 2. some kind of predator. I understand being desperate (so was I at your age) but the thing is, if you're unsuccessful in a romantic sense, you have an opportunity (and the freedom!!) to do something about it. Shyness can be worked on if you're willing to expose yourself to more new people. Once the shyness subsides a bit, the awkwardness probably will too. What's left might be seen as a bit of a quirk rather than as something crippling (although you'd be surprised at how little other people might notice the times you embarrass yourself).

Of course it's also important to think about what you can offer in a relationship. Even for a romantic soul, just "love" isn't enough. Something I've learned from experience. Think about the sort of partner you want to attract (are they intelligent? a bit geeky? ambitious? some kind of activist? strong principles? artistic?) and think about what qualities you have that they might appreciate. What might make them choose you over someone else? Focus on bringing those out to the people you meet, so that they can see some of your strengths rather than someone who's painfully shy.

But at the same time be open-minded.... as a teenager I never would have imagined that I'd be happy in relationships with Thinkers, or with entrepreneurial types. I imagined they wouldn't have the same sort of values that I held dear, and that I'd be left emotionally unfulfilled. In reality I've found they also have principles and a sweet emotional side, and they balance me out and actually make me more confident.

Well that's a bit incoherent but hopefully there's something of value in there. I remember how it is to be in that frame of mind but at least I needed a bit more of a tough love approach so I hope I'm not coming across as a bit insensitive.
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You're right. I think I tend to get a little to caught up in my romantic ideals at times. Though, I hope I don't come off as a predator. xD Actually the idea of coming on to strong or acting desperate often manifests my awkwardness. When I'm conversing with someone I'm interested in I tend to break off the conversation when I feel I've said to much. In fact, I sometimes won't even approach people because I worry i'll be bothering them. :p
Actually, I was thinking that you might attract predators if you start coming off as desperate for a relationship! Because obvious desperation often correlates with low self esteem ("I need a partner to be complete!" = "There is something wrong with me; I am not a whole person on my own!") and people with abusive tendencies love to target people with low self esteem. Probably more of an extreme scenario than what you're actually in at the moment, but still, it does happen. Especially with those of us who want to see the best in others and help bring that out of them. :-/

Worrying that you're bothering people merely by approaching them seems to be something that affects a lot of us INFP's (and maybe also some ISFP's?). I still struggle with it when it comes to people I don't really know, but I'm a lot better about "bothering" my friends now. In fact sometimes I wonder if I come across too strong now. XD But I think mostly they appreciate that someone is taking the lead, socially at least. Maybe you could think about things from that side.... think about what you appreciate in your friends and try to emulate more of that for them? If what they want coincides with what you want, of course.

Honestly, we're all just figuring this out as we go along. Some are better at acting confident than others, that's all.
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I don't agree that the right relationship doesn't take work... I think happy, healthy relationships require constant self-awareness and other-awareness, learning how and when to compromise, learning how far you can bend and when you need to take care of yourself, learning to communicate across gaps, and figuring out how to adapt in synchrony to major life changes. I think they are work like a beautiful masterwork painting is work, or like an incredible symphony opus is work, or like an expedition to found a series of schools across a poverty-stricken region is work. It's not less beautiful for the effort expended - I think it's meaningful to be able to look back on what you have overcome and how you have grown and made a history together.
This is how I see it too. I think my relationship, as smooth as it is most of the time, is the result of a lot of work. Working to learn how to express myself to someone who doesn't just magically "get it". Working to learn how his mind ticks. Working to learn when to stand my ground and when to give in. The difference is that when it's with someone good, it doesn't always feel like work. It feels like learning, and like a natural progression, and maybe even like a creation if you see interpersonal relationships as a kind of art. :)
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