INFP in Awesome relationships.. Tell me your secrets!

That resonates with me, I grew up being the awkward, angsty and extremely closed off girl with barely any romantic or sexual experience and at my age I know I might be considered behind by societal standards but why should that be a concern for me? I'm in a long distance relationship with an amazing guy and it's worth all the years of emptiness or pain. I know my future is with him. It's worth all of my current struggles too.

Some things to remember, I'm no expert but I'll share my point of view:

1- Agreeing on 'don't enter a relationship for the sake of it if you're not looking for something casual' because it's only going to break your heart and harden your shell. Not to mention that it might make you feel empty and not understood, as if you were living a lie and both of you were just tied with a shallow knot. Love can grow with time, even from nothing, but expecting it to happen regardless of the situation is a failure in the making.

2- Appreciate your alone time and your independence, you're not less of a person simply because you don't have a romantic partner to share your daily adventures with. Make sure that being single doesn't translate to desperation or an inferiority complex because you're only doing yourself a disservice by numbing who you are and what you could express through your own interests just because you're placing your own happiness in the hands of others.

3- There's no right age to do things. You can be a virgin at 26 or not one at 14 and it's a personal choice, it's all about your own life experience and all the little steps that took you there and no one can ever take this away from you. People will always find something to criticize, to apply ignorant and unfounded 'red flags' on you simply because your life doesn't match their expectations so don't concern yourself with them and be who you are.

4- I know about insecurity, I know about fear of rejection, I know about feeling like a constant bother and feeling choked by enormity of your own flaws. Even more so when it's the result of trauma or of a lifetime of self-conscious shyness. But you are a person with a lot to offer and you're special because no one else shares that unique set of traits that you posses; it's hard to believe, it's hard to get over but a person who truly loves you will help you walk through the shadows and appreciate those quirks and neurosis that make you, you.

5- Don't fixate on an ideal, knowing what you want is good but life is full of surprises. You might find that the one who you want to share a lifetime with is not necessarily the person you expected it to be or maybe it is but there are obstacles in the way since life is not a romcom or a book by Nicholas Sparks. Limerence makes more harm than good because the key to a successful relationship is knowing that your lover is an imperfect person and that things sometimes aren't smooth or straight up daydreams and yet you don't mind. You love them the way you are and traits that would annoy you in others are something that makes you feel even closer to them.

6- Keep communication open and honest. I know it's hard to be straightforward about feelings and moods, that sharing that kind of intimacy makes you emotionally vulnerable and that often most of those things are just in your head. But nothing will make you feel better than having someone who always tries to understands you deeply and helps you grow without wanting to change you or criticizing your beliefs without any good reason. To love someone is to understand and support them, as well as being passionate about each other and deeply connected.

7- Love should never be a chore, if you don't feel like you can be yourself around them, if you don't feel like what you have is worth fighting for, if you can't envision a future with them, then perhaps there are issues to be discussed and this is not the right person for you. But at the same time, don't expect everything to be easy because nothing worthwhile in life is ever given away on a silver platter. All relationships have dry stages, some might have rocky times, breakups or pauses but if you both genuinely love each other, you'll be able to identify and learn from your own mistakes, explore your boundaries, look for new solutions and genuinely slide back into passion, respect and commitment as improved human beings without losing your individuality.

8- Respect each other's needs, space and interests. As much as you love them, you don't have to see the world the same way, spend all of your free time together or share the same friends and hobbies. To love someone is to trust them and to respect their boundaries as well as finding a compromise when your needs and their own are going in opposite directions. I can understand the temptation of wanting to be with them often, even more so in the honeymoon stage or in a LDR (I'm guilty too) but once you practice my second point and develop your own self and your own interests, things become much easier. You both live different lives with different points of view and past experiences and yet you're bonded together by love, future plans, intimacy, passion, mutual understanding and chemistry, how beautiful is that?

9- Compatibility. Sometimes as strong as the chemistry can be and no matter how romantically appealing the idea of complete opposites is, you simply have contrasting expectations that cannot be bridged. If one of you wants kids and a stable, monogamous suburban life while the other wants to travel the world and practice polyamory perhaps this is not a good match. Neither party should sacrifice their own values unless it's a personal and willing choice.

10- Listen to your true feelings, they don't lie to you.
When you find true love and everything feels just right and free from any idealizations, you'll know.

Shameless Nation said:

@Itsmyhead how do you know it's the right person...

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That's a complicated question and given my experiences and situation I might not be the right person to answer.Some people describe just knowing that someone was the right person for them and you hear stories of that kind. In my heart that ideal would be a dream come true, I've experienced that with people before, but then I doubt if it's true when the relationship doesn't work out. I think there is truth in it, but that truth is that the person was right at that time.

I guess because I view relationships as opportunities to learn more about myself and another I don't think I can really know until I've taken that risk and given somebody else the chance to show themselves too. Some people are lucky and they meet the person of their dreams in a short space of time, but then over time they can drift further apart. Others have been much more different when they first met but they end up moving closer and closer to each other over years.

I think the answer for me is by asking myself, is this person the right for me and are we right for each other, right now? People are constantly changing, but in a relationship are you moving closer together or further apart? I can usually find that answer when I'm honest with myself.

Shameless Nation said:

@Itsmyhead how do you know it's the right person...

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At least for me... because when you see them... even when you are furious with them... you can't help but feel full of love and warmth and serenity. You might feel like they have been selfish, stubborn, and willfully offensive, and you still feel like they're family despite it all. And feeling able to trust them with your life.

I don't agree that the right relationship doesn't take work... I think happy, healthy relationships require constant self-awareness and other-awareness, learning how and when to compromise, learning how far you can bend and when you need to take care of yourself, learning to communicate across gaps, and figuring out how to adapt in synchrony to major life changes. I think they are work like a beautiful masterwork painting is work, or like an incredible symphony opus is work, or like an expedition to found a series of schools across a poverty-stricken region is work. It's not less beautiful for the effort expended - I think it's meaningful to be able to look back on what you have overcome and how you have grown and made a history together.

I think INFPs are late bloomers when it comes to many things in life, but dating and relationships are especially difficult to navigate. First off, don’t stress or worry about your lack of experience. You are beginning the journey more mature and with a better perspective than most people. My first kiss and “relationship” was when I was 15. It lasted 4 weeks but she started seeing one of my friends behind my back at 3 weeks. It devastated me. I literally felt as if my world was ending. A few years later I looked back and laughed about how shaken I was by a girl who was so self-centered, so superficial, and so unstable.

It took me about 12 years of dating and a couple of serious relationships before I figured out my place in the dating world and how to navigate it according to my values. The best piece of advice I can give you is to have a sense of humor about dating and relationships. Don’t take it seriously until you know the other person is also taking it seriously. If you remember nothing more out of this post but this, you will be light years ahead of me when I was your age. You have to be able to laugh at yourself, laugh at the awkwardness, laugh at the embarrassment, and laugh at the almost insurmountable task of finding someone who gives you peace. Don’t let awkwardness prevent you from pursuing a relationship. Everyone is/ feels awkward dating or in relationships. INFPs probably feel it more intensely than others but most everyone is awkward. They just hide it better. You will most certainly feel awkward, say embarrassing things, interpret events differently than the other person, etc. Laugh about it. Find a friend who you feel comfortable talking to about these things and laugh. The awkwardness of dating is universal and most everyone can relate on a certain level. Rom-coms are peppered with awkward situations because dating IS awkward and is universal to everyone. I know many on here have stated that they prefer to be friends before they begin a relationship with them. That’s fine, but it will still be awkward because the dynamics between a friendship and a romantic relationship differ in important ways.

Also, expect to get hurt and expect that you will hurt others. There is no avoiding this. When you get hurt, try to deal with the feelings as quickly as possible. If you try to distract yourself or let it fester without dealing with your feelings directly, it will drag on and you will have difficulty getting over it. For me, I would lock myself in a room and listen to depressing music, I would write my own music, and I would vent to friends. I made sure to feel the hurt as intensely as possible. I let all the feelings of anger, embarrassment, disappointment, and hopelessness come to the surface. After a couple of days of this the intensity goes away quickly and then you will be able to keep it in perspective better.

I know some others have said not to jump into a relationship just to jump into a relationship. And that is true. But at the same time, it will be difficult to know if the person you start a relationship with is selfish, unstable, or if you will have compatibility issues. I have had a couple of relationships with girls who I had gotten to know well before being in a relationship, but then once we were involved, they got all sorts of crazy. It happens. I believe that the best way to learn about your own romantic needs is to engage in romantic relationships. Obviously don’t go straight into a relationship with someone just because they are there or are pursuing. But if you find someone intriguing, try to put yourself in a position to be noticed and give them an opportunity to pursue you (or you can pursue them if you are so motivated).

Finally, learn to trust your gut (Fi). It will tell you when things aren't right. Your subconscious knows your needs better than you think. IF something feels off, try to identify it. But if it persists even though you can’t put your finger on it, you need to evaluate whether this relationship is giving you more positives than negatives. Also, don’t confuse your gut with anxiety about dating. AS you experience relationships you will learn how to identify the difference between anxiety, and your gut telling you something is amiss.