erg. I know. I won't. But I guess I was still thinking that perhaps he was still confused and was scared of what it would take to make it better.My guess: You are his go to girl when he wants affection and to give love when his co-worker isn't available.
Even if he does come back, please don't take him back. You were being used.
The thing is, he may have cared about you, but apparently his feelings for this co-worker are stronger.erg. I know. I won't. But I guess I was still thinking that perhaps he was still confused and was scared of what it would take to make it better.
You're probably right. It was just so selfish! And he probably doesn't feel any guilt. urgggggg so frustratingThe thing is, he may have cared about you, but apparently his feelings for this co-worker are stronger.
He wasn't confused, probably just frustrated he couldn't have the one thing he wanted.
Yeah, the same day we broke up he completely blocked me from every mode of communication...lol. I don't blame him for moving on but I definitely don't care for coldness...even though it may be better that way. Thanks for your words. I'll just continue to move on without a "sorry"the only time I go completely cold on a former loved one is when I really like them..
It helps me get over them.
Guilt is a feeling everyone gets, but when you have the ability to rationalize as a coping mechanism, its easy to shift perspective.
No, that's very helpful! And I think I've learned my lesson. The last question is something that's gone though my head, just because it happened before. I know what I would do. Run.
I don't know. I'm sorry. I wouldn't dare tell you what to do or how to behave in this situation, only you know how you feel, do what you think is best if the situation ever presents itself. I'm sorry I've been very little use.
Well if that's the case then let me try. I have personally never cheated on a significant other in this way so I'm not completely sure but I'd be lying if I'd said I was never tempted (and the person I could have cheated with is not in my life right now). I don't believe he set out to hurt you but he just ended up doing it. I remember being very torn between two men but fortunately one of them was just not there, and it was also partly because I was not completely committed and comfortable with the man I was with.No, I completely agree. What I want from this is some understanding of the situation. This was my very first relationship and it confused the hell out of me. I can still see all of the good but everyone is right. He is an asshole. Better luck to the new girl.
I completely agree! With self-awareness portion. He's 24 and I'm 22. The thing that confused me the most was that he came back so sure once all the information about this other woman came to light. He was so sure that I was the one and so much better for him in so many ways. Before I found out, I did feel that maybe he was trying to find flaws in us and in me that would make his decision easier, but he found none. In hindsight, this is probably when his commitment started to falter. Maybe, when he saw me, and the damage he'd done, that was enough of an excuse. His way out.Well if that's the case then let me try. I have personally never cheated on a significant other in this way so I'm not completely sure but I'd be lying if I'd said I was never tempted (and the person I could have cheated with is not in my life right now). I don't believe he set out to hurt you but he just ended up doing it. I remember being very torn between two men but fortunately one of them was just not there, and it was also partly because I was not completely committed and comfortable with the man I was with.
So there's a problem with the relationship and there's a problem with me. I'm with a different man now and I'm totally ready to commit to him. The other guy can be right here and it wouldn't change my decision (and my feelings for him hasn't changed either- I still like him and would date him given the chance, but I know I've made a decision and this is what life handed me). I don't believe I'm an evil person but all I'm saying is that I could have done it. I don't believe he's an evil person but he might be a little less self-aware than I was, blaming you for his troubles (especially "you bore him?" WTF?). And yes, in his shoes I would feel guilty because he sounds like he really, really likes you, but just can't help being selfish. Blaming you might be a manifestation of this guilt. Because after all, if it's all your fault, he's not culpable? Right? Bullshit.
But all the same, the only reason he's torn between the two of you is because there are issues he hasn't worked out. Maybe he hasn't figured out that romance isn't just fun and games and excitement but being truly committed to making it work, "through sickness and health" and all that (you know, sometimes these conventional bullshit just start to make sense to me in these weird moments) Maybe you weren't completely right for each other and he was consciously or subconsciously looking for someone "better". How old is he, by the way? I'm sure it has to do with maturity too... I was wilder a couple of years back but decided to "settle down". Sometimes growing up is a conscious decision. Who knows. I'm not sure all of that made much sense but I hope that helped.
My INTJ bf and I seemed to be a good match.
Irrelevant (just because you do these things does not mean you are a good match, anyone can do this): We had our lives and engagement ring picked out (He initiated everything and couldn't wait to marry me). Where I was loose in my goals and thoughts he balanced me. We were able to have intelligent conversations, watch dorky television, and try new things together happily. He was smitten with me and anyone that could see the way he looked at me knew it. (Your emotions clouding your judgement) I was in love and completely devoted to him.
What I didn't know was that not too long before he and I met he had fallen for a married co-worker that broke his heart. After Africa where we picked out the ring and had an awesome time, they struck up an emotional relationship again as she was going through a divorce. As she fought for him he became more distant but made the decision to stick with me because I was the better choice....after lots of lies and deception.(RED FLAG) We did have a small breakup in between but he came back to me after re-realizing how much he loved me and how much better I was than her (RED FLAG). I accepted but I told him there were things we needed to work on and he was ready to gravel at my feet to fix what he did.
During all this time we were in a long distance relationship and after being with me and seeing how what he did affected me (I needed a bit of nurturing), he suddenly became very, very cold, told me I bored him and blamed me for his actions. He said that he wouldn't go back to this other girl, but he did. Immediately. (RED FLAG)
My opinions, based on your info. Take it or leave it.So my questions:
Do you think he's rebounding? (Irrelevant - he does not respect you - so why would you allow yourself to be a doormat?)
Did seeing how I was distant and hurt scare him off you think? (No, he is using you as a fall back while he searches for something else)
Do INTJ's feel guilt? (Most humans feel guilt {depending on context} regardless of MBTI type, however, based on the information given I think he is just waiting for something better to come along, and is using you as a filler for the time being, and if he is willing to do that, then I would bet he uses his own selfish reasoning and justifications for doing so and therefore does not feel guilty {regardless of whether or not he should}) I mean after swearing to try and lying so much and then just leaving me with the blame I wonder if he realizes or cares that all the things he did were hurtful. (Nope, it clearly looks like he does not care that what he did was hurtful. However, the question is why do YOU tolerate him lying and blaming you? {I know why, but do you? Your emotions clouding your judgement})
And He's so cold now and refuses to talk to me...but do you INTJ's think he'll re-realize how perfect we were, miss me and come back? (NO, and that is the best really (for you), you don't need a man who will treat you like that (you deserve love and respect), so it is best to let it alone, and move on. You need to realize that relationship was not perfect {you used your feelings to idealize him, which keeps/kept you from seeing the kind of person he really is} so that you can start to let go and move on to a healthy relationship.)
I can't stop wondering about it, but I know I can't ask him. He won't give me the time of day.
I think I'll take it. I should have included that I was not trying to get him back however. Just looking for some understanding. And I do see the person he turned into, but before hand he was pretty ideal which is why I gave the second chance. After doing so he did fail me. I should have been clearer, but if was too long I didn't think anyone would read it.My opinions, based on your info. Take it or leave it.
You made an honest mistake, then. I mean, it is your first relationship. My condolences. People often seem ideal at the start of a relationship. I just told my (new) boyfriend a week ago that "I like everything about you right now." "right now" is the key, I think. Their flaws eventually bite us in the ass.I think I'll take it. I should have included that I was not trying to get him back however. Just looking for some understanding. And I do see the person he turned into, but before hand he was pretty ideal which is why I gave the second chance. After doing so he did fail me. I should have been clearer, but if was too long I didn't think anyone would read it.
That's something I could see, within an INTJish context. Using 'reason' to talk yourself into something, even though you don't really want to do it. We're supposedly notorious for deluding ourselves in that way and using the 'logic' or 'pragmatic' aspects of things to suppress the emotional things that (some of us) are bad at dealing with, or just don't want to admit to because we can't explain them, can't justify them, or don't like where they threaten to take us in life. Please don't take this personally as it really doesn't mean there's anything 'wrong' with you. By the sounds of it, all it means is he's either unhealthy or he has some issues he really hasn't worked out in himself yet. Unfortunately, you got caught in that crunch set up by his immaturity. Or his dishonesty. It's really unfair, but you seem to have been a casualty of some denial process he was caught up in within himself.I completely agree! With self-awareness portion. He's 24 and I'm 22. The thing that confused me the most was that he came back so sure once all the information about this other woman came to light.
TBH, it sounds to me like he does feel guilt - as he probably should. But he's been dealing with it by projecting it all outwards onto you, allowing himself to blame YOU for ways he should be feeling about his own self. And probably is, but he doesn't seem to have the courage or integrity to just wear that himself. He's trying to make you carry it.Maybe, when he saw me, and the damage he'd done, that was enough of an excuse. His way out.
Instant-gratification junkie maybe? He also seems like someone who can't face facing himself, so he just takes off from any situation that shows him something he's not willing to see.How can someone that is so eager to commit also be so willing to run I wonder.
