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What the title says, folks. I've read plenty of threads on both forums where people say, "Oh yeah, I dated an INFP/INTP before. It was such a great learning experience. But difficult. We're not together anymore."

Basically, I'm wondering if any of you are married to INTPs, or in a long-term committed relationship, and feel you have "worked out," rather than just struggled to keep understanding each other and eventually grown apart. Care to share experiences? Advice?
 

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hehe... what a great idea. :crazy:
 

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Mine turned to friendship (but with the option to restart things later). However the friendship has been even harder than the relationship was :confused: I don't understand it! It's been a constant struggle.
 

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I am engaged to an INTP. We've been together for five years and known each other for ten. I think it can work, honestly. If it doesn't work, then I will never forgive myself. He is the CLOSEST person I've ever been able to find who I can be myself around and not feel stupid and misunderstood. Granted, there are times when I do feel those things, but they somehow aren't as big of a deal with him. He is such a gentle soul, so easy to be around, I can't imagine not having him in my life. I love living with another introvert because it means we can each fall into our own worlds whenever we want. We don't have to ask the other's permission, "is it ok if I go read a book now?" or any of that crap I had to do when dating extroverts. I can up and leave for a walk, I can say no to whatever event I don't want to attend, I can stay up late, I have the ultimate freedom and he really doesn't care because he also has that freedom. I don't care what he does, as long as he keeps his word, he can do whatever he wants. We never lie or play games with each other. We resolve disputes immediately because neither of us can sit there with a conflict brewing and feel comfortable. We allow each other as much freedom as the other wants/needs. It's very EASY and NATURAL. Granted, he's not the best at helping me understand my feelings, but luckily I have another outlet for that. I know I frustrate him sometimes with my moodiness and he frustrates me sometimes with his oblivion to certain responsibilities, but these things aren't such a huge deal. We are on the same page so often and he is so easy going, that we rarely have big conflicts. He never gets offended by me, which is great because I know some extra sensitive people (like myself) probably would get offended by me because I am always quite honest. He can take any criticism I give him and he is gentle in his criticism of me. We work. and I HOPE AND PRAY we will continue to work!!! Cuz yeah, we're gettin' hitched in July! :)

I hope that helps your search for answers.
 

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He is the CLOSEST person I've ever been able to find who I can be myself around and not feel stupid and misunderstood. Granted, there are times when I do feel those things, but they somehow aren't as big of a deal with him. He is such a gentle soul, so easy to be around, I can't imagine not having him in my life.
We resolve disputes immediately because neither of us can sit there with a conflict brewing and feel comfortable. We allow each other as much freedom as the other wants/needs. It's very EASY and NATURAL.
Sounds like this is the reason we are all asking these questions, b/c we've experienced this part of the relationship..

But sounds like you got past the point the rest of us are struggling with.

Did you have misunderstandings, crossed-signals, and conflicts in the beginning? How did you work past them?
 

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Sounds like this is the reason we are all asking these questions, b/c we've experienced this part of the relationship..

But sounds like you got past the point the rest of us are struggling with.

Did you have misunderstandings, crossed-signals, and conflicts in the beginning? How did you work past them?

You know, I really don't think we have had that many misunderstandings. We are both very patient people. He tells me when I'm pushing his buttons and I somehow can relay to him when he is pushing mine, but it really doesn't happen that much. If there are things about me that he really can't stand, he has yet to tell me. I can remember one time he really pissed me off and I told him so right away. He apologized and we both were very level headed about it. Neither of us make huge deals when it comes to something that may upset the other. I try very hard to be conscious of his feelings, even when he isn't conscious of them himself. I think he tries to do the same with me, although I know he has held back negative things from me because he was afraid I'd be hurt by them. And he's right. So I don't know... When we make the other person feel hurt, we both suddenly become very apologetic and regretful. Neither of us wants the other person to feel bad, even if they deserve to feel bad. I've heard both of us referred to being "too nice" many times. But I just try not to let the little things bother me, and I think he does the same.

I think what has helped me the most is having an outlet that isn't him where I can talk about my deep feelings and feel understood. (I volunteer at a crisis hotline every week and it really helps with this) I think that if I did not have this other outlet, I would probably feel a lot more stifled. And for him, he goes after a lot of intellectual pursuits that I have no interest in. I can't rightfully say that he doesn't NEED an outlet to talk about these things, but it appears to me that he doesn't mind keeping it all to himself. But I don't really know because he has never talked about it. Once he did express dismay in my ignorance of classic literature, math and other academia, but later apologized because I felt hurt by it. (long story) So maybe he does feel alone in those things, but he doesn't complain, so I have to believe that he is ok being alone in these interests.

Also, with my sensitive nature, I have learned to talk about my feelings rather than keep them inside. I am VERY good at working through my feelings if given the permission just to talk about them. And he doesn't mind sitting there listening to me rattle off as long as he knows that he is not expected to solve my problems. And I think he knows this.

I don't know, does that answer your question at all?
 

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I think volunteering is definitely something that INFP can do to get emotional needs fulfilled, especially when the partner is not very good at doing that.

Thanks ethylester for sharing your wonderful story! Hope you guys be together for many many years :D

My bf is extremely patient. It's funny that when he eats he carefully places the napkin on his lap before picking up his food. I find that amusing because normally I would immediately stuff food into my mouth and tend to brush off the crumbs after a satisfying meal. He's very gentle as well but it would be nice if he was more aggressive on our relationship. He takes little baby steps... I'm definitely the more aggressive and demanding one in the relationship. But then again, it seems that INTPs aren't very demanding. They're usually content w/ daily things and just following where the information are.

Anyways, just want to say that being on this forum has helped me a lot to cope and learn about relationships. Hopefully my bf and I will survive and be happy together.
 

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In response to ethylester's post...

Interesting....my problems with INTPs has been the exact opposite. We definitely connected intellectually; a major plus was that we both could discuss these interests (ie. literature, art, music, philosophy, science, etc), and we were both able to be open about our emotions. I often get the "I've never told anyone this before" statement from INTPs when it comes to their softer side. I could also be cynical in my expressions without criticism from the INTP, and he'd do the same with me....we'd egg each other on actually, and then both end up talking the other out of such a negative mindset. Most people would just correct me immediately or write me off as a downer, which I find frustrating. Neither of us offered the other cliche advice either...there was just a listening, an understanding, and then a confirmation of the other's own realization for a solution.

The downside was the "button pushing". The INTPs I dealt with could get belligerent, and would become condescending in asserting their beliefs. The logic blinders would go on, and they'd get so "objective" with their opinions that they'd forget who they were talking to and end up totally insulting my intelligence, even berating me. I realize it was a sort of "intellectual venting", but having that taken out on me was exhausting, and it became downright verbally abusive at times. Then they'd get mad because I'd take it "personally", but they made it personal by attacking my views so they could soothe their pent up anger at the irrational world.

I also got tired of having to explain in detail every belief/feeling I had. If I was not up to making a reasonable argument for every belief I expressed, then my feelings were dismissed by them. I find that disrespectful and degrading, and it's a fast way to run me off in a relationship. I don't owe an explanation of every belief I have, and it's a courtesy when I do consent to explain my views. I mentioned in another thread that just because I don't explain my thinking does not make it unreasonable (it means I don't feel like talking about it), but the INTPs would not accept that, and they'd needle and needle me until I got mad.

One INTP learned to let things go and the relationship went along well, but he was in therapy and on meds at the time (he has a LOT of issues from childhood trauma...). Then he got the bright idea to quit both, and it all went downhill very fast. I sometimes got the feeling he was so insecure that he wanted to come to hate me so he could reject me before I rejected him. It seemed like he picked arguments for this reason....if he could see me as shallow, stupid, and unreasonable as he saw most people, then he could get over me and not risk any hurt.
 
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In response to ethylester's post...

Interesting....my problems with INTPs has been the exact opposite. We definitely connected intellectually; a major plus was that we both could discuss these interests (ie. literature, art, music, philosophy, science, etc), and we were both able to be open about our emotions. I often get the "I've never told anyone this before" statement from INTPs when it comes to their softer side. I could also be cynical in my expressions without criticism from the INTP, and he'd do the same with me....we'd egg each other on actually, and then both end up talking the other out of such a negative mindset. Most people would just correct me immediately or write me off as a downer, which I find frustrating. Neither of us offered the other cliche advice either...there was just a listening, an understanding, and then a confirmation of the other's own realization for a solution.

The downside was the "button pushing". The INTPs I dealt with could get belligerent, and would become condescending in asserting their beliefs. The logic blinders would go on, and they'd get so "objective" with their opinions that they'd forget who they were talking to and end up totally insulting my intelligence, even berating me. I realize it was a sort of "intellectual venting", but having that taken out on me was exhausting, and it became downright verbally abusive at times. Then they'd get mad because I'd take it "personally", but they made it personal by attacking my views so they could soothe their pent up anger at the irrational world.

I also got tired of having to explain in detail every belief/feeling I had. If I was not up to making a reasonable argument for every belief I expressed, then my feelings were dismissed by them. I find that disrespectful and degrading, and it's a fast way to run me off in a relationship. I don't owe an explanation of every belief I have, and it's a courtesy when I do consent to explain my views. I mentioned in another thread that just because I don't explain my thinking does not make it unreasonable (it means I don't feel like talking about it), but the INTPs would not accept that, and they'd needle and needle me until I got mad.

One INTP learned to let things go and the relationship went along well, but he was in therapy and on meds at the time (he has a LOT of issues from childhood trauma...). Then he got the bright idea to quit both, and it all went downhill very fast. I sometimes got the feeling he was so insecure that he wanted to come to hate me so he could reject me before I rejected him. It seemed like he picked arguments for this reason....if he could see me as shallow, stupid, and unreasonable as he saw most people, then he could get over me and not risk any hurt.
When you mentioned being able to connect on an intellectual level, I would have to agree that my fiance and I can do this, too. We will talk about all kinds of intellectual ideas and concepts, but I think what he finds discouraging is that I don't actively pursue these things, where he DOES. He doesn't know the answer to something, then he looks it up. I ask him about something and he doesn't know the whole story, days later he will come back to me with a full report about every little detail. I think this is great. But I am not as active as he is. (I don't HAVE to be, I have him!) Also, I would rather read a journal or a diary of a famous writer than read their novel or discuss their work. I think he would prefer to read their novel, if you get what I'm saying. I'll read Einstein's autobiography (if he has one..?) before I'll read his theory of relativity. My fiance is the opposite.

It is interesting you mention talking each other out of a negative mindset. We totally do that. Both of us really want to see the good in things.

I totally can relate to having to explain every little detail of my beliefs and finding that annoying. I neglected to say that in my post because I had forgotten. He is an atheist, for example, but I am agnostic. Once or twice we have tried to explain our beliefs to each other and both times it ended with me in tears and him feeling frustrated. So you know what? We don't do that anymore! Why argue when we aren't going to change the others' mind? I guess that's how I see it now. I respect how he views the world and I believe that he respects my view. Sometimes if he's been drinking or acting crazy he might put it down in a condescending way, but I try to ignore it. Most of my life, I have been surrounded by people who think they are very smart. I would say I hang out with a lot of smarty-pantses. I guess I'm just used to always having to defend myself and argue. It does get tiring but I think the knowledge I gain from hanging around a bunch of smart dudes that like to argue surpasses the irritation I get from having to explain myself. Yeah, I can be irrational and I freely admit it. I think once I tell my fiance that it doesn't matter to me if I'm being irrational because that's the way I feel, he backs off. He knows you can't argue with someone's feelings.

I really hope that my fiance doesn't become a hot head. He also had a somewhat upsetting childhood. His father was very authoritative and bad tempered. But my mom was, too. Since we can relate on these things, I feel like we have a connection and a promise to each other not to let the other person turn into their domineering parent. :)
 

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I think volunteering is definitely something that INFP can do to get emotional needs fulfilled, especially when the partner is not very good at doing that.

Thanks ethylester for sharing your wonderful story! Hope you guys be together for many many years :D

My bf is extremely patient. It's funny that when he eats he carefully places the napkin on his lap before picking up his food. I find that amusing because normally I would immediately stuff food into my mouth and tend to brush off the crumbs after a satisfying meal. He's very gentle as well but it would be nice if he was more aggressive on our relationship. He takes little baby steps... I'm definitely the more aggressive and demanding one in the relationship. But then again, it seems that INTPs aren't very demanding. They're usually content w/ daily things and just following where the information are.

Anyways, just want to say that being on this forum has helped me a lot to cope and learn about relationships. Hopefully my bf and I will survive and be happy together.

That's so funny you mention the eating story. That is very much like me and my fiance. I just dive right into things without much thought. He, on the other hand, gets everything set up perfectly before he performs his task, whatever it may be. And when he does something, he does it perfectly, flawlessly. Me, on the other hand, i try really hard to make it perfect but I always seem to leave something out. I would also agree with you that I am the more demanding/aggressive one. It's funny, because I'm the girl and I feel like our traditional roles are sort of switched sometimes. I was always a tomboy, and he was always the poetry-reading, shy boy. I think we fit each other nicely!
 

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I really hope that my fiance doesn't become a hot head. He also had a somewhat upsetting childhood. His father was very authoritative and bad tempered. But my mom was, too. Since we can relate on these things, I feel like we have a connection and a promise to each other not to let the other person turn into their domineering parent. :)
INTPs tend to mellow as they get older. Our Fe is last to develop.
 

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I married an ISFJ. It worked out great. My dad is an INTJ (I think), we get along great. Thinking back on boyfriends, I don't think any were INTP, might have been, who knows. I'd take an INTP over anything that started with an E.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
In response to ethylester's post...

Interesting....my problems with INTPs has been the exact opposite. We definitely connected intellectually; a major plus was that we both could discuss these interests (ie. literature, art, music, philosophy, science, etc), and we were both able to be open about our emotions. I often get the "I've never told anyone this before" statement from INTPs when it comes to their softer side. I could also be cynical in my expressions without criticism from the INTP, and he'd do the same with me....we'd egg each other on actually, and then both end up talking the other out of such a negative mindset. Most people would just correct me immediately or write me off as a downer, which I find frustrating. Neither of us offered the other cliche advice either...there was just a listening, an understanding, and then a confirmation of the other's own realization for a solution.

The downside was the "button pushing". The INTPs I dealt with could get belligerent, and would become condescending in asserting their beliefs. The logic blinders would go on, and they'd get so "objective" with their opinions that they'd forget who they were talking to and end up totally insulting my intelligence, even berating me. I realize it was a sort of "intellectual venting", but having that taken out on me was exhausting, and it became downright verbally abusive at times. Then they'd get mad because I'd take it "personally", but they made it personal by attacking my views so they could soothe their pent up anger at the irrational world.

I also got tired of having to explain in detail every belief/feeling I had. If I was not up to making a reasonable argument for every belief I expressed, then my feelings were dismissed by them. I find that disrespectful and degrading, and it's a fast way to run me off in a relationship. I don't owe an explanation of every belief I have, and it's a courtesy when I do consent to explain my views. I mentioned in another thread that just because I don't explain my thinking does not make it unreasonable (it means I don't feel like talking about it), but the INTPs would not accept that, and they'd needle and needle me until I got mad.

One INTP learned to let things go and the relationship went along well, but he was in therapy and on meds at the time (he has a LOT of issues from childhood trauma...). Then he got the bright idea to quit both, and it all went downhill very fast. I sometimes got the feeling he was so insecure that he wanted to come to hate me so he could reject me before I rejected him. It seemed like he picked arguments for this reason....if he could see me as shallow, stupid, and unreasonable as he saw most people, then he could get over me and not risk any hurt.
I can relate to this post a TON, OrangeAppled, especially the button-pushing thing. I think (I hope, hope, hope) that this particular thing is going to gradually get better, because I talked to my SO about it and he seemed to be receptive and to understand. I noticed that once he started pushing my buttons, I would start pushing his as well, and I think he was bothered too. We are both incredibly critical people, and want to be less so.

Yeah, I can be irrational and I freely admit it. I think once I tell my fiance that it doesn't matter to me if I'm being irrational because that's the way I feel, he backs off. He knows you can't argue with someone's feelings.
Yes!!!! This happened to us the other day when we were talking about ugliness. He's very fixated on how society treats people according to their beauty, and I told him I'd just rather have a world where it ceased to matter (implying that we should stop talking about it). And he kept badgering and saying, "But it does matter, it will always matter, it's objective - symmetry, Golden section, etc," and I was getting upset. Then I said, "I know, I agree with you wholeheartedly in an objective way, I just hate that it's true and it makes me sad to think about." Then he stopped.

Thanks so much for sharing, everyone! I'm relieved to hear some of this.
 

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Yes!!!! This happened to us the other day when we were talking about ugliness. He's very fixated on how society treats people according to their beauty, and I told him I'd just rather have a world where it ceased to matter (implying that we should stop talking about it). And he kept badgering and saying, "But it does matter, it will always matter, it's objective - symmetry, Golden section, etc," and I was getting upset. Then I said, "I know, I agree with you wholeheartedly in an objective way, I just hate that it's true and it makes me sad to think about." Then he stopped.
If your INTP is anything like me, I can give you a little trick that might work to prevent a clash like this.

If you make a statement like "The world shouldn't be so fixated on beauty". That comes off as a strong opinion, and an unrealistic one. It is very tempting to challenge a statement like that, on purely logical grounds.

But instead if you say "I wish the world wasn't so fixated on beauty". That comes off as a desire, and there is almost no temptation to challenge it. In fact-- I would even agree with you on this! (funny how two words can make that difference)
 

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I've always wondered about this, since I'm kinda close on the F slider.
 
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