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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I posted this in the INFP forum as well but would really like your input too... :happy:

I'm very excited to be considering moving in with my ISTJ -- we're aiming to make this transition in the summer, when we'll have been together about a year.

Any tips /advice on a way to set a good foundation for us going forward would be really helpful!!



  • We don't argue! On the other hand, we are very communicative with each other. It's not like we are hiding things. We discuss them. But we haven't blown up at each other yet, is this OK? Is this normal!? :th_blush:
  • I'm disorganised. He's a neat-freak. I'm a typical INFP with clutter clutter clutter in my mind and in my home (he is amazing in that he grounds me, especially when I'm overwhelmed). I aspire to be organised [inferior Te] but it's not so easy! How can we make sure it's equal work for each other around the house? How can I make sure I'm not letting him do it all, especially since he's more of a natural at it?


Also any general advice for moving in together would be very much appreciated!
 

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You should divide the household tasks evenly. So for instance, you do the dishes while he does the irons the clothing. I'd hate it if I was doing all the work while my SO was just lounging about.

A list of duties comes in handy. Make a complete list of all the things that need to be done and optionally add the average time it takes. Now you can split the tasks into two even sets. Also, make a daily/weekly list of things that need to be done to use as a reminder. If you truly care about him, you will stuck to schedule even if you don't like it.
Nothing annoys me more than to have made a schedule, only for the other person not stick to his/her side of the deal.
 

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To the OP: you did a good job posting this in 2 different forums, so as to get both sides of the coin. Good job.

Now, I have never been involved with any INFP at this kind of level, so I'm extrapolating from my experience dealing with INFPs. I'll focus more on the possible problems, since these are what cause relationships to break down.

1. Expectations. ISTJs tend to set very high standards of themselves in practical things, and they sometimes carry over these standards to others. E.g. certain chores need to be done in a certain timing, etc.

1. Order and cleanliness: ISTJs are quite particular on this. Even myself, as a more messy ISTJ, I do a pretty through cleaning on a regular basis.

If the INFPs do not do their share of the housework, or fall way short of the ISTJs standards (e.g. wasting water while washing dishes), the ISTJs usually won't hesitate to tell them about it.

2. Parent child dynamic Someone in the INFP forum posted about us telling the INFPs what we expect of them. This is quite true - we are normally quite direct in our opinions of things. The INFPs sometimes interpret it another way and assume that we are scolding them - and then they get emotional inside.

The thing is, once you start living together, the frequency of this will increase a lot.

3. Money ISTJs are quite conservative with money. We will minimise discretionary spending if we can. Even things like going to theaters, movies, eating out, etc. The INFP may have some issue with that.

4. Disapproval of others. We will sometimes comment of other people's behaviour as wasteful, lazy, irresponsible, and so on. Again, since you are now living together with said ISTJ, be prepared to see it a lot more than before.

5. Dealing with anger. Some ISTJs may withdraw. Some may explode in rage. I don't know about INFPs, but do be prepared to see this ugly side emerge every now and then.

6. Communication: If you have a need, BE DIRECT AND TELL ISTJ ABOUT IT. If said ISTJ really does love you, and considers your request reasonable, he/she will do everything possible to make it happen.

We tend to hate emotional outbursts, since 1: we don't really handle them well, and 2. it breeds an feeling of unfairness - like why can the person just get his/her way by having an outburst?
 

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Practical issues tend to cause most of the problems. I.e. money, chores and communication.

Money: make sure you both agree on this issue. Things like budget, how much each can spend, etc.

Usage of space: You may need to ask for a messy corner or something. If possible, somewhere not obvious.

Chores: ISTJs don't really care how you get it done, so long as the standards are met without side effects. Agree on the required standards.

Trust me, there are some chores that we especially hate. Not the ones that are really dirty, but the ones that we consider redundant and can be bypassed or eliminated. Go for those chores. It would be difficult to compete with the ISTJ on the other chores.

E.g. I'm still OK with cleaning toilets or fan blades, but I hate folding clothes. I use hangers for as many clothes as possible to reduce this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I really like the messy corner idea and that's something I hadn't thought of before. Maybe I was being unrealistic thinking I could strive to achieve complete organisation!

To the OP: you did a good job posting this in 2 different forums, so as to get both sides of the coin.

The advice I'm getting here is certainly much more practical and applicable, thank you! The INFP forum has been very good in a big picture type of way :happy:

I can see all the points you guys mention in him. Will keep it all in mind. Thank you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Also we're going to get a cleaner, so the big tasks will be taken care of.

I'm thinking in terms of the everyday things like clutter (leaving coats, books, shoes, things, etc around the home) + dishwashing/cooking [it almost doesn't help that he's much more of a cook than I so it's naturally been him doing that most of the time]. I do do the dishes though. But I'm wondering if I'd get sick of it if I had to do it every time just because he cooks every time!?
 

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Ask him if he cooks the same stuff every time. Depending on their level of tolerance, ISTJs usually aren't too bothered by repetition.

Dishes are a 5-10 minute thing, if you plan properly. I don't use dishwashers and don't intend to, simply because manually washing is faster.

As an example of how detailed ISTJs can be, I'll list down my dishwashing procedure.

1. Have a basin in your sink.
2. For stuff coated with stick stuff, soak it in the basin. If you have hot water left over from cooking, best. If it is especially stubborn, get a steel scrub.
3. Take the stuff out of the basin.
4. Use a scotch brite sponge with detergent to scrub. Scrub hard (and hold it securely!) so that you only need to scrub each area once or twice.
5. The soaped stuff - put it in the basin.
6. Completely rinse 1 plate, and all the cutlery over the basin. The water will be enough to rinse the other stuff in the basin. (Rinse as in not 100% clean, but about 80-90% of )
7. Discard the water in basin. Alternatively, pour it into a pail and use it to clean the toilet at a later time.
8. Completely rinse the remaining plates and collect the water in the basin. Minimise the amount of soap going into this basin water.
9. Use the water to rinse the table cloths that you use to clean tables.

Another thing I forgot to mention is that ISTJs are normally quite stingy with praise, because our expectations are quite high and we believe that it is one's duty to excel, regardless of getting praise or not. You can ask the students that I trained in playing piano, I only praised people if they did something beyond what I expected them to do (rare).

The good ones will eventually learn to praise a bit more and criticise a bit less.
 

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INFP married to an ISTJ here.

My ISTJ is not super organized or clean - I'm the organized/clean one, oddly enough. But we're really good at intuitively dividing up the responsibilities. It was established early on that I HATE doing dishes (something about sticking my hand in a sink of water and touching food, ugh) and that he enjoys cooking, but is really slow at it because he follows recipes 100%.

So from there, we determined to help each other out. I cook, he does dishes. I make all of our meals, or we decide together where to go eat. On Saturdays, I clean the house - I start and he jumps in and says "how can I help?" From there, I just ask him to do small, simple things that I know he won't mind doing, that way the house gets clean, he's contributing, and I'm getting help. Everyone wins!

If I know anything about ISTJs, it's that they place high value on structure and order. Try to think of things from his point of view and give him the orderliness he desires.
 
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