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Discussion Starter #1
I realized this a while ago:

Dom. Aux. Ter. Inf.
INFP Fi Ne Si Te
ISTJ Si Te Fi Ne

One's two main functions are the other's less-used functions. Each can model these functions for the other, possibly speeding personal growth.
I noticed this after having my wife take a few online MBTI tests -- she consistently tested as ISTJ.

Thoughts, people?
 

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I had an istj as a therpaist.
We got along great. She found my humor hilarious, she got me, it was easy to make her understand where I was coming from, but she had a very different focus and was much more grounded than me. I tihnk it was good.
In a marriage, I tihnk some trouble would come from my more abstract interests, which my therapist would always dismiss. Maybe that's good in a therapist relationship to keep me from theorizing too much or getting too far off track, but occasionally i felt I wished I could pursue "ideas" and "theories" more. It could be both a pro and a con in a marriage i guess.
 

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My brother was originally tested as an ISTJ. Took the test again a few more times and he's just split down the middle on the last two so more like ISXX.

We usually have the same view on things, but when we do run into something different, boy, are they different! But, yeah, he's definitely helped me grow into who I am today. And I imagine I'd be quite a different person without him. He's also a lot more grounded than I am and he usually has a different insight than I do.
 

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My dad is an ISTJ. We think quite differently. I can be quite abstract and unconventional, while he is very structured and conventional. He respects the rules and I always want to break them. This lead to a lot of conflict between us. But I also feel that I have grown a lot by learning to appreciate the different way he sees the world. I learnt to respect how dependable and intelligent he is.
 

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-----An INFP-ISTJ relationship can certainly succeed, but such a type combination is anything but a shortcut to personal growth. First, take a look at the charts, below.

-----Our inferior function is often tied to attraction--because it is the function/part of us we start off feeling like we must deny, so we tend to look for it in others to balance us. This search ensues because in order for our dominant function to be the dominant function, its opposing function must be, to some degree, suppressed. Here are the opposing function pairs: Fi/Te, Fe/Ti, Ne/Si, Ni/Se. Early in life, INFPs seek out relationships with ISTJs (Si-Te) and ESTJs (Te-Si) in particular because we are essentially using their conscious functions as crutches for our undeveloped unconscious (and vice versa). In the charts above, every use of one person's dominant or auxiliary function triggers the other person's inferior and/or tertiary functions.
-----Later in life, once we have integrated (and accepted) our tertiary and inferior functions--becoming a complete person in ourselves--then INFPs tend to seek out relationships with complementary partners. Here are the complementary function pairs: Fi/Fe, Te/Ti, Ne/Ni, Se/Si. So, a little later in life, somewhere between 25-35 I'd wager, unattached INFPs tend to seek out relationships with ENFJs (Fe-Ni), INFJs (Ni-Fe)--and other INFPs (Fi-Ne). Notice that in the chart below, the inferior and tertiary functions of both people are relegated to the shadow portions of the other. Theoretically, anyway, this coupling minimizes miscommunication--so long as both people are reasonably mature and have integrated their tertiary and inferior functions.
-----The following article says this and more:
INFJ, INFP, INTP, INTJ Relationships, Compatibility, & the Inferior Function | Personality Junkie
-----Unfortunately, the process of integration and accepting oneself is made more difficult in a "shadow" relationship--not easier. That's because to each person the other represents the eruption of a repressed unconscious. In short, it will take a lot of work to make the relationship work, but it can work.
-----I wish you the best of luck.
 

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I lived with an ISTJ partner for a few years, and I certainly learned a lot from her about structuring certain aspects of my life, and about pragmatic decision making. However her manner of living was just too dominated by her own rule system, so this lead to the relationship failing as I just kept on compromising to suit, ending up emotionally, physically and mentally drained.

I do think the combination could bring benefits but you'd both have to be well adjusted individuals willing to work hard at the relationship.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
It's worked for us for about three years now. She's one of very, very few people who appreciate my views on life, love, existence -- not just appreciates, but shares many of of them. She is, as a few of you have mentioned, grounded and conventional, though she's a lot less conventional than her family.

Thanks for the replies, guys! I like this forum a lot.
 

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From my experience the ISTJ seemed to be a real threat to my spirit and core.
 

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@Owfin I am only speaking of my limited experience and not including each ISTJ out there.
 

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Both my mom and my best friend are ISTJ's and I get along with them better than 95% of other types, suprisingly even other INFP's and NF's. It's odd, but it seems that there is this beneficial connections between INFP's and ISTJ's. We sort of feed off of eachother's energies.
 

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my oldest sister and my dad are istj's. they are actually the people who give me the least amount of conflict in the family most of the time. what i like about my sister and my dad are they're not emotional at all and in their practicality, i learn a lot of insight on how to detail my concepts. my dad knows a lot about things that matter money-wise and i really enjoy the application of that. i also feel like they're a lot easier to please than my isfj mother. for example, for my dad, he explains what he wants in a very concrete manner and so if i fulfill it, he leaves me alone.

but at the end of the day, i don't really think istj and infps are good for each other. infps are emotionally demonstrative while istj's really struggle with being vulnerable. a lot of my childhood has been with me feeling like my dad regarded me more as a responsibility than his daughter.

as well, with my sister and my dad, i've noticed that they get incredibly stressed but won't say, "i'm stressed", and so their behavior and actions become really aggressive and they take it on out on the family. as well, they're not that imaginative and so there's this whole inner world of mine that i can never show them because it's not taken seriously. for a long time, i really considered my father condescending. in some things, i still do.

i think i would benefit more from my dad and my sister if they weren't in my family because whoever meets them has a really great, warm impression of them (especially my dad -- i cannot tell you how many people think he's warm and helpful and even what i would consider infj-ish).
 

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Hrmm. My dad is an ISTJ and we... well, we have a very difficult relationship. As @SadLuckDame said, he seems to be a threat to me in some ways; around my dad, I always feel limited and judged and oppressed as far as expressing who I really am. He's so very rational and structured... I'm naturally very emotional and like being kind of random and abstract, but growing up with him, and his constant judgements and criticisms of people with different priorities and inclinations, has had a lasting effect on me. I'm afraid to try new things, afraid to be open to change, afraid to embrace whoever I might naturally be, afraid to express myself... to this day, I still judge myself on whether what I'm doing is something my dad would approve of (most of this in a subconscious way, I think). Through him, I learned to be afraid of growth, to not trust my own feelings and to feel a lot of shame.

All that said, we still have a surprising number of similarities... though many of them are rather negative (like the way we deal with anger, being judgemental and rigid and sometimes elitist, that sort of thing). :S I wish so much that I could connect with him in certain ways that he just isn't open to, because I do feel that we could learn a lot from each other. My mum has essentially told me to give up on trying for that sort of relationship, though.

I try hard not to judge other ISTJs based on my experiences with my dad. I know he's likely not what one would call a healthy ISTJ, so I imagine I could still have a decent relationship with someone else of the same type.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Thanks again for the responses, guys.
I'm sorry to hear about the distress that a lot of you have gone through. It sounds like your ISTJ's have issues that they haven't dealt with, like they haven't themselves matured. Sometimes people get stuck in a certain mode, get comfortable with it, and stick with it because it "works" for them. Hey, weird thought -- maybe the ISTJ personality lends itself to this sort of this behavior. A lot of the ISTJ descriptions I've read talk about their adherence to tradition, to doing things because "it's the way we've always done it".
I've felt that my wife helps me see the black-and-white of things and that I help her see the grey of things.
 

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i have an istj friend, shes great, really. Shes helped be more positive and proactive with my life and we both get each other which is always nice. the one downside is that the relationship lacks intensity which right now im fine with cuz i get my intensity from other friendships but for marriage i dont know.. you would have to set your priorities straight, what more important to you, feeling accomplished or being able to feel your feelings with the one your with .. its two seperate paths... AHHHHHH I HATE MAKING DESCISIONS!!!
 

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I get along exceptionally well with ISTJ's.....as friends.....and actually, the two people that i consider to be the most reliable and who I get advice from are ISTJ's..I think that I admire them because they stick with things, people, relationships when the going gets tough and for me anyway, that is hard as I start to over analyze and question things when sometimes life is just about hard work. I am more prone to give up on things and I really admire how they stick to their guns. Plus the ISTJ's I know are really intelligent people. socionics has ISTJ's and INFps listed as 'activity partners' and I can also see how this can be the case.
 

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From my experience the ISTJ seemed to be a real threat to my spirit and core.

I think I did actually have my spirit and core damaged by istj mother and grandmother(just guessing
she was and istj; but her behaviour could have been because of the tough times she grew up in)

They however, were damaged in their own childhoods and had much unresolved stuff.

I might add that now she is in her 80's and after the death of my father, for the first time, I
have experienced her showing vulnerability and emotion. It has been very moving and healing
for me, but at the same time almost uncomfortable and embarassing, as I'm so accustomed to
her being in a certain mode.

I'm very grateful for this change though and although we'll never have a true bond, we have
a much better relationship. Pity it took so long.
 

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I think I did actually have my spirit and core damaged by istj mother and grandmother(just guessing
she was and istj; but her behaviour could have been because of the tough times she grew up in)

They however, were damaged in their own childhoods and had much unresolved stuff.
Yep, my dad is also a product of his childhood, which wasn't always easy for him. He's strong enough that he's gotten through life relying on his very typical ISTJ nature, but when it comes to interacting with others (especially those who work in very different ways than he does), that's when you realise that he's not a very emotionally-healthy person at all.
 

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It's worked for us for about three years now. She's one of very, very few people who appreciate my views on life, love, existence -- not just appreciates, but shares many of of them. She is, as a few of you have mentioned, grounded and conventional, though she's a lot less conventional than her family.

Thanks for the replies, guys! I like this forum a lot.
Yea, I think this is quite important for INFP-ISTJ relationship to work. I'm an infp married to istj. My wife also appreciates my idealistic views, my sudden bursts of passion for random things, and sort of laugh off my untidiness. I definitely appreciate her organizational skills and ability to diligently plan things forwards. I think having differences can be a plus as long as you can appreciate each other for these differences.
 
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